SEINFELD: THE PLUMBING PRINCE
Written By
Keith McDuffee
ACT I
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
The apartment is empty. NEWMAN is pounding on the apartment door
from the outside.
NEWMAN (O.C.)
Jerry!? C'Mon Jerry open up,
it's Newman.
Knocking continues, then the door slowly opens while NEWMAN
continues to knock, but now gently. NEWMAN peeks into the
apartment.
NEWMAN
Jerry?
CUT TO:
INT: MONK'S CAFE - MORNING
GEORGE and JERRY sit at their regular booth - GEORGE to the left
and JERRY to the right. JERRY has several small pieces of
luggage with him (beside his feet, O.C.). GEORGE has a sandwich and a
cup of coffee in front of him. GEORGE watches a postman walk
into the cafe and hand mail to the cashier.
GEORGE
Y'know, I think the post office
is out to get me.
JERRY looks behind him at the postman who is walking out
the door and turns back again.
JERRY
What, you mean that guy?
GEORGE
No. I mean the post office
organization.
JERRY
The whole empire, huh?
(Exaggerated) Well you picked
the wrong group of people to
mess with pal.
GEORGE
For example, what did you get
for mail yesterday?
JERRY
(Annoyed) I dunno. A magazine, a
couple of bills. Why, what do
they send you when they're out
to get ya?
GEORGE
(Pause) Catalogs. (Pause) It's
unnatural the number of catalogs
I get.
JERRY
So - what's wrong with catalogs?
GEORGE looks at JERRY as if he should know what he is
talking about.
JERRY
(Now understanding)
Oh...Catalogs.
GEORGE
Ya. Those catalogs.
JERRY
Well how many of these catalogs
do you get?
GEORGE measures with his hands.
GEORGE
A stack this high.
JERRY
Do they have your name on them?
GEORGE
(Accentuates with his hands)
George Costanza.
JERRY
So why haven't you thrown them
away?
GEORGE
(Embarrassed) I have.
JERRY
Then how can you have a stack
(uses hands) this high?
GEORGE
(Shrugs) Well you know how they
are. (Pause) They're
illustrated.
JERRY
Well you must be on some kind of
list.
GEORGE
A list? How could I get on that
list?
JERRY
You tell me.
GEORGE
I have NO idea.
JERRY
Well have you bought anything -
you know - sexy lately?
GEORGE
C'mon, Jer. Look who you're
talking to here. The sexiest
thing I've bought in recent
years was a hairpiece. (Pause)
There's only one explanation for
how those catalog companies got
my name. (Pause) The post
office. It's a conspiracy to
get me to buy the lustful things
from these catalogs. You know
how tempting it can get.
JERRY
(Wincing) No. Not really.
GEORGE
Well I'm gonna have to put a
stop to it somehow. The only
problem is, once I've stopped
the catalogs from coming, who
knows what those maniacs will
resort to next.
JERRY
Well maybe a bulletproof vest is
in order.
GEORGE
(Worried) Do you really think
they'd resort to violence?
JERRY gives GEORGE a look of disbelief.
A waitress walks by the table.
GEORGE
(To waitress) Excuse me.
Waitress?
The waitress turns around.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Could you please bring me some
hot salsa? Please? Thank you.
The waitress looks at him a little strange and walks
towards the counter.
JERRY
Aren't you taking this salsa
thing a little too seriously?
GEORGE
Not at all! Y'know I actually
read that spicy foods burn fat?
Burn fat, Jer! I'm telling ya,
the Mexicans were onto something
when they came up with this
stuff.
The waitress comes back to the table and puts down a bowl of
salsa. GEORGE starts putting the salsa in his sandwich.
JERRY
Really? Well, hey, at this rate
you could lose twenty pounds
without ever leaving the booth.
GEORGE
That's right. From now on, hot
stuff on everything!
GEORGE takes a bite of his sandwich. JERRY looks at him with a
grimace. Immediately GEORGE looks bothered by how hot his
sandwich is and begins to wipe his forehead with a napkin.
JERRY
I can just see the pounds melt
away.
JERRY looks at his watch.
JERRY
Oh jeez, I gotta go.
JERRY gets up from the table and picks up his two bags.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Oh, I almost forgot. You can't
use the water in the apartment.
GEORGE
What? Well why not?
JERRY
Yeah, I guess the pipes in the
basement are having trouble, so
they shut off all the water in
the building for a few days.
GEORGE
I'm bringing Amy back there.
How am I supposed to go to the
bathroom all night?
JERRY
With all that salsa you're
eating, I'm sure you'll think of
something.
CUT TO:
EXT: SUPERMARKET - DAY
Close-up on a sign in one of the windows that reads: "ON SALE
TOMORROW ONLY: SALSA - BUY 3 FOR PRICE OF 1"
INT: SUPERMARKET - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
ELAINE is pushing a cart and reading the label on the back of a
jar. As she rounds the end of the aisle, another cart rams into
her cart.
ELAINE
Hey! Watch where you're g...
ELAINE looks up into the face of STEVE, who is pushing the
other cart.
STEVE
Pardon me. Completely my fault.
STEVE smiles and ELAINE smiles back, looking a little
embarrassed and blushing.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The lights are out as the door opens. GEORGE enters and turns
the lights on. He is nicely dressed. With him is his date, AMY
who is also dressed nicely and is laughing.
GEORGE
I just had to give that guy the
space. I mean, I've seen people
do some pretty crazy things to
get a parking space before, but
tap dance while singing "me and
my shadow"? I tell ya, he
deserved it.
GEORGE takes AMY'S coat and hangs it near the door. AMY
is still holding her purse.
AMY
I know! You know, I actually
saw these two guys who fought
over who got to the parking spot
space first, and they wouldn't
leave all day. Can you imagine
that?
GEORGE
(Nervously) Huh. Imagine that.
AMY
As a matter of fact, one of them
had a car just like...
GEORGE
(Interrupting) Uh, Amy! Would
you care for something to drink?
AMY
(A little surprised) Um. Sure.
Just a glass of spring water is
fine. I just need to freshen up
real quick. Can I use your
bathroom?
GEORGE
Sure thing.
GEORGE points to the bathroom.
GEORGE
It's right in there. Just don't
use the toilet. The plumbing's
not working properly. You know
how it is.
AMY
Okay. (Sexy) Be out in a sec.
AMY walks into the bathroom and GEORGE has a confident look about
him. He walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator while
whistling "London Bridges". About five seconds later, AMY runs
out of the bathroom without saying anything, grabs her coat and
runs out the door. GEORGE watches her, dumbfounded.
GEORGE
Amy? What's wrong!? Amy!
GEORGE runs to the door.
CUT TO:
INT: HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE
Amy!
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
GEORGE is slouched in the couch watching television. The
apartment door opens and in slides KRAMER.
KRAMER
Hey. Jerry back yet?
GEORGE
(Glumly) Nah. Not until this
afternoon.
KRAMER
So - I hear you had a date last
night. How'd it go?
GEORGE
I don't know. Everything was
great - dinner - movie - get
back to the apartment and ZOOM -
right out the door without
saying a word. I can't
understand it.
KRAMER
Well with all the excitement
going on yesterday morning I
figured you were all set.
GEORGE
Excitement? What excitement?
KRAMER
You know. The sounds of a woman
in throws of passion.
GEORGE
Throws of passion? Well I wish
I was here when it happened
because nothing at all happened
last night. Besides, nobody was
here until after twelve o'clock.
KRAMER
Well, you coulda fooled me.
The buzzer sounds. Nobody moves to answer it. KRAMER looks
nervously at GEORGE and the buzzer. It buzzes again.
KRAMER
Well aren't you gonna answer
that?
GEORGE
Nah. You go ahead. It's
probably Elaine. She probably
thinks Jerry's back, too.
Nobody's here to see me.
KRAMER
But perhaps not my friend. That
may be the answer you are
waiting for
KRAMER points to the buzzer.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
right there. That could be Amy,
back to explain everything. I
think you should answer it.
GEORGE
It's not her.
KRAMER
Oh - but what if it is?
The buzzer sounds again.
GEORGE
(Obviously annoyed) Will you
just answer the damn buzzer!
KRAMER
(Shaken) Well you don't have to
be so pushy!
KRAMER (INTO INTERCOM)
Yello! Seinfeld residence -
this is Kramer.
ELAINE (O.C.)
It's me. Is Jerry back yet?
KRAMER (INTO INTERCOM)
Nope. C'mon up!
KRAMER presses the buzzer and opens the door.
GEORGE
Ya see. No one's here to see
me.
KRAMER
Hey hey. Cheer up pal. I'm
here to see ya. I wanted to
show you what I bought down at
the auction yesterday.
GEORGE
Oh yeah. What's that?
KRAMER excitedly walks to the coffee table and slams one
of his feet down on the table. It is shod with a very
strange looking dress shoe that looks tattered.
KRAMER
Look at that baby!
GEORGE
So it's a shoe.
KRAMER
Oh this is no ordinary shoe my
friend.
GEORGE
Okay. It's an ugly shoe. One
half of a pair of ugly shoes.
So what's the big deal?
ELAINE walks in the door.
KRAMER
Elaine. Come over here and
check these babies out.
ELIANE
(Wincing) Where'd you get those
hideous shoes?
KRAMER
Down at the auction yesterday.
I got them for a steal. Do you
know who once wore these shoes?
ELAINE
The wino who sits outside
Greene's?
KRAMER
Get this. (Excited) Humphrey
Bogart. Bogey himself wore
these here shoes!
GEORGE
What, did he trek through the
Sierra Madre with those on?
They're ready to crumble to
pieces.
ELAINE
Now how do you know those are
actually his shoes?
KRAMER
Well why else would they start
bidding at one-thousand dollars?
ELAINE
One-thousand?! Are you crazy?!
GEORGE
Yeah. I'd like to see some
proof before I'd pay a thousand
bucks for a crummy pair of
shoes.
KRAMER
These are no crummy shoes!
They're hand crafted especially
for the man. They're one of a
kind. And man I tell ya, these
babies are real comfortable.
Bogey sure knew how to walk in
style.
KRAMER puts his foot down and does a studly strut towards
the kitchen.
ELAINE
Y'know, I bet if you could prove
they were his, this guy I just
met would pay top dollar for
those. He's a major, major
Bogart fan.
KRAMER opens the refrigerator door.
KRAMER
Ho! Were'd you meet this guy?
ELAINE
I met him in the grocery store
yesterday. His cart just like
accidentally (slaps her hands
together) slammed into mine
right out of the blue.
GEORGE
(Nodding and smirking)
Accidentally, huh?
ELAINE
What, you think he did it on
purpose to meet me?
GEORGE shrugs his shoulders.
KRAMER is still rummaging through the refrigerator.
ELAINE
C'mon! That's ridiculous! What
kind of a low life would
actually go out of their way and
do something like that to meet
women?
GEORGE looks around the room, looking guilty.
GEORGE
Yeah, well, can you think of a
better way for a low life to
meet women?
ELAINE
C'mon! That's silly! He's not
the type of guy who would do
something like that.
GEORGE
Okay. Okay. Well then to prove
me wrong, why don't you go on
back to the same store today and
see if he's there again. If I'm
right, he'll be there knowing
the odds of you being there
again are incalculable.
ELAINE
Why would I need to go there
again? I was just there
yesterday. You think I'm a
grocery story junkie or
something?
GEORGE
Well, can you go for me? I
gotta be here when Jerry gets
back and there's a sale on salsa
there today.
KRAMER closes the refrigerator door and has an apple in
his hand.
KRAMER
Mmm. Salsa. Love that HOT
salsa! Burns fat away, y'know.
GEORGE stands up from the couch.
GEORGE
That's right. That's right!
C'mon Elaine, just go down and
pick me up a dozen jars or so.
I'll pay you back later.
ELAINE
Well. Okay. But you'll owe me,
and then I'll prove you wrong
while I'm there. (Pause) I gotta
use the bathroom.
GEORGE
No! The water's off in the
building. You can't use it
until tonight.
ELAINE
(Sarcastically) So, okay. I
guess I'll just come back
tonight just to use Jerry's
bathroom.
KRAMER walks towards the door.
GEORGE
Where are you going?
KRAMER
I'm gonna put a stop to this.
Those bums down there don't know
a pipe from a tree branch. I'll
show 'em who's boss around here.
They don't call me the Plumbing
Prince for nothing you know!
CUT TO:
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - SHORTLY FOLLOWING
The basement has an inch of water on the floor and there are
several PLUMBERS working on the pipes at various levels along the
walls. KRAMER enters. His shoes are in one hand and his pants
are rolled up to his knees.
KRAMER
Hey! What's the hold up down
here? I wanna take a shower
sometime today!
PLUMBER 1
What the hell are you doing down
here? We're taking care of the
problem mister, so just go on
back to your apartment an you'll
be splashin' around in your tub
with your rubber ducky in no time.
A couple of PLUMBERS chuckle.
KRAMER surveys the plumbers at work and the water on the
floor.
KRAMER
Well. You guys are going about
it all wrong.
PLUMBER 1
What are you talking about?
PLUMBER 2
Yeah. Who do you think you are,
coming down here trying to tell
us our business?
KRAMER
Why, I'm Kramer. Cosmo Kramer
as a matter of fact.
The two PLUMBERS look surprised and look at each other
with gaping mouths.
PLUMBER 1
Did you say Cosmo Kramer?
KRAMER
That's right. Cosmo Kramer!
PLUMBER 2
Cosmo. Son of Pipey Kramer?
PLUMBER 1
Pipey, the Plumbing King of New
York?
KRAMER
The very same.
The two PLUMBERS take off their hard hats.
PLUMBER 1
Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Kramer! If I
had known who you were I would
have never treated you that way.
If there's anything I can do...
KRAMER puts his hand up to stop him from talking.
KRAMER
Tut tut my good man. If you
would just point me to the
person in charge here, I think I
may be able to enlighten you all
with the fine toodling my father
bestowed upon me.
PLUMBER 2
(Obviously happy) Yes sir!
Right this way.
FADE OUT:
END ACT I
ACT II
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE is sitting on the couch again. ELAINE is gone. The door
to the apartment opens and JERRY walks in with his bags.
JERRY
Hey!
GEORGE
(Still looking miserable) Hey.
JERRY
So how'd it go?
GEORGE
I wish I knew. Once again I was
witness to the mysteries of
women. If there was a course I
could take on the subject, the
situation last night would be
the final exam.
JERRY puts his bags on the floor behind the couch.
JERRY
(Sarcastically) So. It went
well!
GEORGE
Besides that, I had to run to
the late night coffee shop all
night to go to the bathroom.
I've never had to go to the
bathroom so much in all my life.
JERRY
Gotta love that salsa.
KRAMER barges in the door, still with his shoes in his hand and
his pants rolled up. All his clothes look a bit wet.
GEORGE
(Sarcastically) Here to see me?
KRAMER
(Looking to JERRY) Jerry!
KRAMER slaps his free hand to his shoe soles.
GEORGE
I thought so.
GEORGE gets up from the couch and walks over near JERRY
and KRAMER.
JERRY
Yeah, what's up?
KRAMER
Look, I'm gonna get this water
thing all fixed up. Someone's
just gotta go check to see if
the toilet in here works yet.
JERRY
How are you supposed to fix
things?
KRAMER
On the account of my father,
Pipey Kramer - (proudly) The
Plumbing King of New York.
GEORGE
Plumbing King of New York?
KRAMER
That's right. And I'm the
Plumbing Prince.
JERRY
What are you talking about -
Prince?
KRAMER
My father was the best plumber
in the city. He could unstop a
sewer drain with a simple coat
hanger. He had his own practice
not too far from this apartment
here.
GEORGE
Own practice? You make it sound
like the guy was a doctor or
something.
KRAMER
Plumbing's serious business in
this city. I mean, go look at
that basement sometime. I tell
ya, it's no job for a mere
peasant plumber.
JERRY
(Laughs a bit) Yeah. But
Plumbing Prince? C'mon!
GEORGE laughs.
KRAMER
Yeah yeah yeah. Well will
someone just go on in there and
check to see if the toilet
works. I gotta job to do here.
GEORGE
Yeah. Hold on.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
P.O.V. camera shot from inside the toilet looking up towards the
bathroom's entrance. We see GEORGE enter into the bathroom and
look down into the toilet. He opens his mouth in horror and
disgust and runs out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is pinned up against the wall directly across from the
bathroom entrance. He is holding his hand over his mouth.
JERRY
What is it? What's wrong?
KRAMER
It doesn't work yet?
GEORGE slowly walks over to JERRY and KRAMER, still with his hand
over his mouth.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE pulls down his hand from his mouth and blurts out
angrily.
GEORGE
You should know what's lurking
in there! It is yours! Take a
look for yourself!
JERRY walks into the bathroom, looking very curious and
concerned.
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
P.O.V. camera shot from the toilet as before. We see JERRY walk
in, talking behind himself.
JERRY
What is the matter with you?
What could be so...
JERRY looks into the toilet and has a very disgusted look on his
face. GEORGE is now standing in the doorway but not looking in.
JERRY
Oh my.
GEORGE
How could you do it, Jer! How
could you leave...it...in there
like that for someone to
discover? Amy discovered it
last night and it scared her so
much she ran five blocks to the
subway! Do you have any
decency?
JERRY
Me? Well...it...isn't mine! I
don't even eat those! Maybe
it's her...it...in there! Did
you ever think of that?
GEORGE
No way. She hates those! She's
allergic to them!
KRAMER walks into the bathroom. As he speaks, he looks into the
toilet.
KRAMER
What's the probl...YAAAH!
JERRY
My thoughts exactly. Did you
leave...it...in here? Because
whoever did is gonna pay for it.
KRAMER
Well it ain't mine. That's a
plumber's nightmare in there.
KRAMER looks down to the floor.
KRAMER
Ho, what's this?
KRAMER bends down and picks up what looks like a magazine.
KRAMER
Interesting reading material,
Jer.
JERRY
What? Lemme see that.
JERRY looks the catalog over and shows signs of anger.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
JERRY and KRAMER exit the bathroom and stand outside by its door.
JERRY
Can you explain THIS?
JERRY shoves the magazine into GEORGE'S chest.
GEORGE
(Shocked) Hey! This is one of
those catalogs I keep getting
with all the...
JERRY
(Interrupting GEORGE, still
angry) I know what it is.
Would you mind explaining how it
got into my bathroom and how
it's addressed to you?
GEORGE
(Shocked) Well. I don't know
how it got in there. I didn't
do it! (Alerted) But I bet
whoever's...it...is in there is
the one responsible for sending
me these catalogs.
JERRY
Well what are we gonna do about
it? This needs to be fixed!
KRAMER
Well I can't fix that.
GEORGE snaps his fingers.
GEORGE
You know. If we find out who
eats those, I bet we'll find out
who...it...belongs to.
JERRY
Well how are we supposed to do
that?
KRAMER
Well you fellas can stand here
and figure all that out. I got
more work to do.
KRAMER turns towards the bathroom door.
KRAMER
Watch out. I'm going in.
KRAMER holds his nose and runs into the bathroom. We hear him
trying to flush the toilet. All that happens is the rattle of
the flush handle, but no flush. He comes barreling out and gasps
for air.
JERRY
Oh this is just great!
KRAMER
I'll put a stop to this once and
for all!
KRAMER runs for the door.
CUT TO:
INT: SUPERMARKET - DAY
ELAINE is carrying a small grocery basket which is filled with
jars. She walks down one of the aisles and spots STEVE. She
notices that he is acting strangely. We see that he is standing
behind his cart, peering down one of the aisles. A beautiful
WOMAN comes up the aisle, and as she does, he deliberately bumps
into her cart just as he did with ELAINE the previous day. STEVE
and the WOMAN begin to talk and laugh. ELAINE looks upset and
walks toward him.
STEVE
(Surprised) Uh, Elaine! What
are you doing here again?
ELAINE
Oh, I thought I'd bring a basket
this time and try my luck at the
market again. Like this.
ELAINE takes the basket and shoves it into STEVE'S gut. He bends
over in pain.
STEVE
OOF! What...what..
The WOMAN he was talking to looks totally shocked and begins to
cart away.
STEVE
(To WOMAN) Wait. I...
ELAINE
Hmmm. That didn't work. Let's
try this.
We can see now that STEVE is now wearing the same shoes that
KRAMER was wearing. ELAINE stomps a foot down on one of them and
grinds down with her heel. STEVE lets out with a yell of pain.
STEVE
Hey! Do you know who these
shoes belonged to?
ELAINE takes STEVE'S cart and pushes it down the aisle.
ELAINE
Here's looking at you...Jerk!
ELAINE walks away smiling.
CUT TO:
INT: SUPERMARKET AISLE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
The carriage rolls down the aisle and STEVE chases after it,
limping. It slams into another carriage, but we do not see who
it belongs to yet. STEVE then approaches and we see a look of
some horror on his face.
CUT TO:
INT: SUPERMARKET AISLE - P.O.V. STEVE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
We see the owner of the other carriage, who is a very fat and
UGLY WOMAN. She is smiling.
UGLY WOMAN
Well. Hello.
FADE OUT:
END ACT II
ACT III
FADE IN:
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - DAY
All the PLUMBERS are gathered around KRAMER.
SUPERVISOR
Look, we know who your father
was, but you ain't no Plumbing
Prince. We're getting real sick
of you ordering us around like
we're a bunch of bums.
PLUMBER 1
Yeah. We've had it with you,
Cosmo. Just let us do the job
our way. We were almost
finished anyway.
The other PLUMBERS begin to express their agreement with
miscellaneous mumbings.
KRAMER
Gentlemen, gentlemen. As
impossible as it may seem, I am
the Plumbing Prince of New York.
And if you would all just follow
the perfect plans I laid out for
you all, we will have these
pipes back to health in no time.
PLUMBER 2
Yeah, but what's in it for us?
SUPERVISOR
Yeah. What do we get by
following your orders
(sarcastically) oh mighty one?
KRAMER
Well...If you all follow my
orders precisely, I will, with
my very hand, make you
all...uh...honorary knights of
Pipey Kramer.
PLUMBER 1
What? You gotta be kidding!
SUPERVISOR
Let's get outta here guys. This
guy's nuts.
The PLUMBERS begin to leave, mumbling.
KRAMER
Okay! You will be nothing
without a blessing from my hand!
You'll be lucky to get work
snaking a smoker's pipe with a
pipe cleaner without my
knowledge backing you up!
The PLUMBERS have all left, and a leak bursts into KRAMER'S chest
from a pipe against the wall. KRAMER, looking worried, slaps his
hand over the leak.
KRAMER
Guys! Hey men! I have another
plan! You'll like it much
better!
Another leak bursts from the same pipe but a few feet across from
the first leak. KRAMER, still holding his shoes, takes them to
his mouth and holds them with his teeth. He uses that hand to
cover the other leak. He is now mumbling wildly through his
teeth for the PLUMBERS to return.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE is on the phone.
GEORGE
Well (laughs) it's a funny
thing, y'see. I'm not
responsible for what you saw in
the bathroom last night. It's a
complete misunderstanding is all
it is.
CUT TO:
INT: AMY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
The camera only shows AMY on the phone from chest up.
AMY
I'm not sure what you're talking
about.
*(As each character speaks the camera cuts to their location)*
GEORGE
Well..y'know...The embarrassing
oversight in the toilet.
AMY
Oversight in the toilet?
GEORGE
Y'know. Someone
left...it...unflushed. It's
quite embarrassing actually.
AMY
More like disgusting. Why are
you telling me this, George?
GEORGE
Well...isn't that why you ran
out of here so quickly last
night?
AMY
I have no idea what you're
talking about, but I think it's
as sick as the catalogs you
read. Good bye, George!
AMY slams down the phone.
GEORGE has a shocked look on his face, still holding the
phone to his ear.
CUT TO:
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
KRAMER is still holding two leaks, one with each hand, and one
leak with one of his feet. He has given up trying to yell for
help. Suddenly we see a P.O.V. from KRAMER as he focuses into
one of his shoes. We see a signature in one of them, "Humphrey
Bogart". The camera cuts back to the previous shot, which shows
KRAMER'S excited look. Another leak then sprouts directly in
front of his face, causing him to let go of the shoes and drop
them into what is now a foot of water. The leak is larger than
the other three and is now spraying violently into KRAMER'S face.
He makes gestures to try to block the spray with his tongue
somehow.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is no longer on the phone and sits on the couch. JERRY is
in the kitchen.
GEORGE
My life is over, Jerry. Now the
whole world thinks I read those
catalogs. She thinks it's all
some kind of a sick joke I
played. I'll never get a date
in this town thanks to...it. Or
whoever's...it...it is.
JERRY
Well, we'll find the culprit.
Don't you worry. I'll scavenge
every corner of this building
until I find the home where it
came from. That person will
bring it to its final resting
place.
Outside JERRY'S apartment door we hear someone whistling "London
Bridges". JERRY hears the whistling and listens closer. He then
heads for the door.
GEORGE
What? What is it?
JERRY
(Angry) I know that tune.
CUT TO:
INT: HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
We see the back of NEWMAN walking down the hall, dressed in his
postman's uniform with a large mail bag on his back. He is still
whistling the same tune. JERRY'S door opens.
JERRY
Newman!
NEWMAN stops whistling suddenly and stops walking, but does not
turn around.
NEWMAN
(Nervously) Uh...yes Jerry?
JERRY
(Distrusting) You didn't happen
to see anyone come into my
apartment...say, sometime
yesterday morning...did you?
NEWMAN remains with his back turned to JERRY.
NEWMAN
Uh...why, no. I didn't see
anybody, Jer. Heh heh.
JERRY notices that there is a familiar looking catalog sticking
out of NEWMAN'S bag. JERRY reaches over and snags the catalog
from the bag and looks at it. JERRY has an angry look on his
face now.
JERRY
Turn around, Newman.
NEWMAN
Uh...heh heh.
JERRY
Turn around!
NEWMAN turns around and we see that his face is covered in
chocolate. In his hands are "Chunky" wrappers. JERRY walks
closer to him and grabs the wrappers.
JERRY
(Grimacing) Give me that.
JERRY reads the wrapper.
JERRY
Just as I thought. With
peanuts!
NEWMAN
I'm sorry, Jer! I thought that
it was just my toilet that
wasn't working, so when I saw
you weren't around, I figured it
was okay to use yours. I didn't
realize it was the whole
building. Honest!
JERRY
You! Do you know what you did
to poor George in there! His
life's ruined because of these
catalogs! You should be ashamed
of yourself - using George as
the scapegoat in your devilish
plot to read cheap porn!
NEWMAN
I know. I know. I did it all.
I'm sorry!
JERRY
Go in there and apologize to him
and finish the job you started
in there!
NEWMAN sinks his head low and shuffles into JERRY'S apartment.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
P.O.V. Toilet - Nobody is in the room yet.
GEORGE (O.C.)
Well just get in there
and get rid of it now. I'm
calling Amy so you can explain
all of this to her.
NEWMAN (O.C.)
Okay okay!
NEWMAN enters and he peers into the toilet. He even has a
disgusted look on his face. He reaches over to the toilet's
flush handle and pushes it. We see that the toilet is working
and gurgling at the force it's trying to put on what's being
flushed down.
JERRY (O.C.)
Finally!
CUT TO:
INT: BASEMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
KRAMER is still fighting with the water in his face. Suddenly,
the water in his face stops, but the other leaks continue. He
looks relieved. A couple of seconds go by, and then there is a
rumbling noise coming from the pipes. He begins to look worried
as it get louder and the pipes begin to rattle.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is holding the phone out to NEWMAN.
GEORGE
(Angry) Now you tell her you're
responsible, or I swear I'll...
NEWMAN reaches for the phone.
NEWMAN
Okay. Okay. You don't need to
be pushy.
O.C. we hear an explosion and a blood curdling scream from
KRAMER in the basement.
FREEZE FRAME.
END ACT III
ACT IV
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The apartment is empty and dark except for a light coming from
under the bathroom door. The apartment door opens and JERRY and
ELAINE enter. JERRY turns on the lights to the apartment.
ELAINE is holding a semi-full paper bag.
JERRY
"Here's lookin' at you...Jerk?"
ELAINE
Well it was all that I could
come up with at the time. What,
you think you can do better?
JERRY
Well you certainly made it up by
making him come face to face
with two-ton Tara. I know I'd
think twice about visiting the
supermarket if I had close
encounters with the three T's.
ELAINE
Three T's?
JERRY
Yeah. Two...Ton...Tara.
ELAINE nods, understanding.
From the bathroom we hear what sounds almost like a woman in
"throws of passion" or pain of some sort.
ELAINE
(Shocked) What is that?
JERRY
(Shocked) I dunno. I don't
remember leaving the door
unlocked. (Pause) (Angrily)
Unless...
JERRY storms toward the bathroom door.
The noises continue.
JERRY
Newman! I know it's you in
there now come on out! I
thought I told you not to come
in here anymore!
JERRY pounds on the bathroom door.
The noises stop.
JERRY
(Angrily) Newman!
There's no answer.
JERRY
(More angrily) That's it Newman.
I'm giving you one last chance.
I'm gonna leave for ten minutes,
and when I get back you'd better
be gone. Understand?
Still no answer.
JERRY turns and walks towards ELAINE. ELAINE puts the
paper bag she has down on the counter.
JERRY
(Angrily) C'mon. Let's go.
He'd better be gone when I get
back.
JERRY and ELAINE leave and close the door behind them. We then
hear that familiar whistling of "London Bridges" come from the
bathroom.
FADE OUT:
END ACT IV
END
Written By
Keith McDuffee
ACT I
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
The apartment is empty. NEWMAN is pounding on the apartment door
from the outside.
NEWMAN (O.C.)
Jerry!? C'Mon Jerry open up,
it's Newman.
Knocking continues, then the door slowly opens while NEWMAN
continues to knock, but now gently. NEWMAN peeks into the
apartment.
NEWMAN
Jerry?
CUT TO:
INT: MONK'S CAFE - MORNING
GEORGE and JERRY sit at their regular booth - GEORGE to the left
and JERRY to the right. JERRY has several small pieces of
luggage with him (beside his feet, O.C.). GEORGE has a sandwich and a
cup of coffee in front of him. GEORGE watches a postman walk
into the cafe and hand mail to the cashier.
GEORGE
Y'know, I think the post office
is out to get me.
JERRY looks behind him at the postman who is walking out
the door and turns back again.
JERRY
What, you mean that guy?
GEORGE
No. I mean the post office
organization.
JERRY
The whole empire, huh?
(Exaggerated) Well you picked
the wrong group of people to
mess with pal.
GEORGE
For example, what did you get
for mail yesterday?
JERRY
(Annoyed) I dunno. A magazine, a
couple of bills. Why, what do
they send you when they're out
to get ya?
GEORGE
(Pause) Catalogs. (Pause) It's
unnatural the number of catalogs
I get.
JERRY
So - what's wrong with catalogs?
GEORGE looks at JERRY as if he should know what he is
talking about.
JERRY
(Now understanding)
Oh...Catalogs.
GEORGE
Ya. Those catalogs.
JERRY
Well how many of these catalogs
do you get?
GEORGE measures with his hands.
GEORGE
A stack this high.
JERRY
Do they have your name on them?
GEORGE
(Accentuates with his hands)
George Costanza.
JERRY
So why haven't you thrown them
away?
GEORGE
(Embarrassed) I have.
JERRY
Then how can you have a stack
(uses hands) this high?
GEORGE
(Shrugs) Well you know how they
are. (Pause) They're
illustrated.
JERRY
Well you must be on some kind of
list.
GEORGE
A list? How could I get on that
list?
JERRY
You tell me.
GEORGE
I have NO idea.
JERRY
Well have you bought anything -
you know - sexy lately?
GEORGE
C'mon, Jer. Look who you're
talking to here. The sexiest
thing I've bought in recent
years was a hairpiece. (Pause)
There's only one explanation for
how those catalog companies got
my name. (Pause) The post
office. It's a conspiracy to
get me to buy the lustful things
from these catalogs. You know
how tempting it can get.
JERRY
(Wincing) No. Not really.
GEORGE
Well I'm gonna have to put a
stop to it somehow. The only
problem is, once I've stopped
the catalogs from coming, who
knows what those maniacs will
resort to next.
JERRY
Well maybe a bulletproof vest is
in order.
GEORGE
(Worried) Do you really think
they'd resort to violence?
JERRY gives GEORGE a look of disbelief.
A waitress walks by the table.
GEORGE
(To waitress) Excuse me.
Waitress?
The waitress turns around.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Could you please bring me some
hot salsa? Please? Thank you.
The waitress looks at him a little strange and walks
towards the counter.
JERRY
Aren't you taking this salsa
thing a little too seriously?
GEORGE
Not at all! Y'know I actually
read that spicy foods burn fat?
Burn fat, Jer! I'm telling ya,
the Mexicans were onto something
when they came up with this
stuff.
The waitress comes back to the table and puts down a bowl of
salsa. GEORGE starts putting the salsa in his sandwich.
JERRY
Really? Well, hey, at this rate
you could lose twenty pounds
without ever leaving the booth.
GEORGE
That's right. From now on, hot
stuff on everything!
GEORGE takes a bite of his sandwich. JERRY looks at him with a
grimace. Immediately GEORGE looks bothered by how hot his
sandwich is and begins to wipe his forehead with a napkin.
JERRY
I can just see the pounds melt
away.
JERRY looks at his watch.
JERRY
Oh jeez, I gotta go.
JERRY gets up from the table and picks up his two bags.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Oh, I almost forgot. You can't
use the water in the apartment.
GEORGE
What? Well why not?
JERRY
Yeah, I guess the pipes in the
basement are having trouble, so
they shut off all the water in
the building for a few days.
GEORGE
I'm bringing Amy back there.
How am I supposed to go to the
bathroom all night?
JERRY
With all that salsa you're
eating, I'm sure you'll think of
something.
CUT TO:
EXT: SUPERMARKET - DAY
Close-up on a sign in one of the windows that reads: "ON SALE
TOMORROW ONLY: SALSA - BUY 3 FOR PRICE OF 1"
INT: SUPERMARKET - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
ELAINE is pushing a cart and reading the label on the back of a
jar. As she rounds the end of the aisle, another cart rams into
her cart.
ELAINE
Hey! Watch where you're g...
ELAINE looks up into the face of STEVE, who is pushing the
other cart.
STEVE
Pardon me. Completely my fault.
STEVE smiles and ELAINE smiles back, looking a little
embarrassed and blushing.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The lights are out as the door opens. GEORGE enters and turns
the lights on. He is nicely dressed. With him is his date, AMY
who is also dressed nicely and is laughing.
GEORGE
I just had to give that guy the
space. I mean, I've seen people
do some pretty crazy things to
get a parking space before, but
tap dance while singing "me and
my shadow"? I tell ya, he
deserved it.
GEORGE takes AMY'S coat and hangs it near the door. AMY
is still holding her purse.
AMY
I know! You know, I actually
saw these two guys who fought
over who got to the parking spot
space first, and they wouldn't
leave all day. Can you imagine
that?
GEORGE
(Nervously) Huh. Imagine that.
AMY
As a matter of fact, one of them
had a car just like...
GEORGE
(Interrupting) Uh, Amy! Would
you care for something to drink?
AMY
(A little surprised) Um. Sure.
Just a glass of spring water is
fine. I just need to freshen up
real quick. Can I use your
bathroom?
GEORGE
Sure thing.
GEORGE points to the bathroom.
GEORGE
It's right in there. Just don't
use the toilet. The plumbing's
not working properly. You know
how it is.
AMY
Okay. (Sexy) Be out in a sec.
AMY walks into the bathroom and GEORGE has a confident look about
him. He walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator while
whistling "London Bridges". About five seconds later, AMY runs
out of the bathroom without saying anything, grabs her coat and
runs out the door. GEORGE watches her, dumbfounded.
GEORGE
Amy? What's wrong!? Amy!
GEORGE runs to the door.
CUT TO:
INT: HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE
Amy!
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
GEORGE is slouched in the couch watching television. The
apartment door opens and in slides KRAMER.
KRAMER
Hey. Jerry back yet?
GEORGE
(Glumly) Nah. Not until this
afternoon.
KRAMER
So - I hear you had a date last
night. How'd it go?
GEORGE
I don't know. Everything was
great - dinner - movie - get
back to the apartment and ZOOM -
right out the door without
saying a word. I can't
understand it.
KRAMER
Well with all the excitement
going on yesterday morning I
figured you were all set.
GEORGE
Excitement? What excitement?
KRAMER
You know. The sounds of a woman
in throws of passion.
GEORGE
Throws of passion? Well I wish
I was here when it happened
because nothing at all happened
last night. Besides, nobody was
here until after twelve o'clock.
KRAMER
Well, you coulda fooled me.
The buzzer sounds. Nobody moves to answer it. KRAMER looks
nervously at GEORGE and the buzzer. It buzzes again.
KRAMER
Well aren't you gonna answer
that?
GEORGE
Nah. You go ahead. It's
probably Elaine. She probably
thinks Jerry's back, too.
Nobody's here to see me.
KRAMER
But perhaps not my friend. That
may be the answer you are
waiting for
KRAMER points to the buzzer.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
right there. That could be Amy,
back to explain everything. I
think you should answer it.
GEORGE
It's not her.
KRAMER
Oh - but what if it is?
The buzzer sounds again.
GEORGE
(Obviously annoyed) Will you
just answer the damn buzzer!
KRAMER
(Shaken) Well you don't have to
be so pushy!
KRAMER (INTO INTERCOM)
Yello! Seinfeld residence -
this is Kramer.
ELAINE (O.C.)
It's me. Is Jerry back yet?
KRAMER (INTO INTERCOM)
Nope. C'mon up!
KRAMER presses the buzzer and opens the door.
GEORGE
Ya see. No one's here to see
me.
KRAMER
Hey hey. Cheer up pal. I'm
here to see ya. I wanted to
show you what I bought down at
the auction yesterday.
GEORGE
Oh yeah. What's that?
KRAMER excitedly walks to the coffee table and slams one
of his feet down on the table. It is shod with a very
strange looking dress shoe that looks tattered.
KRAMER
Look at that baby!
GEORGE
So it's a shoe.
KRAMER
Oh this is no ordinary shoe my
friend.
GEORGE
Okay. It's an ugly shoe. One
half of a pair of ugly shoes.
So what's the big deal?
ELAINE walks in the door.
KRAMER
Elaine. Come over here and
check these babies out.
ELIANE
(Wincing) Where'd you get those
hideous shoes?
KRAMER
Down at the auction yesterday.
I got them for a steal. Do you
know who once wore these shoes?
ELAINE
The wino who sits outside
Greene's?
KRAMER
Get this. (Excited) Humphrey
Bogart. Bogey himself wore
these here shoes!
GEORGE
What, did he trek through the
Sierra Madre with those on?
They're ready to crumble to
pieces.
ELAINE
Now how do you know those are
actually his shoes?
KRAMER
Well why else would they start
bidding at one-thousand dollars?
ELAINE
One-thousand?! Are you crazy?!
GEORGE
Yeah. I'd like to see some
proof before I'd pay a thousand
bucks for a crummy pair of
shoes.
KRAMER
These are no crummy shoes!
They're hand crafted especially
for the man. They're one of a
kind. And man I tell ya, these
babies are real comfortable.
Bogey sure knew how to walk in
style.
KRAMER puts his foot down and does a studly strut towards
the kitchen.
ELAINE
Y'know, I bet if you could prove
they were his, this guy I just
met would pay top dollar for
those. He's a major, major
Bogart fan.
KRAMER opens the refrigerator door.
KRAMER
Ho! Were'd you meet this guy?
ELAINE
I met him in the grocery store
yesterday. His cart just like
accidentally (slaps her hands
together) slammed into mine
right out of the blue.
GEORGE
(Nodding and smirking)
Accidentally, huh?
ELAINE
What, you think he did it on
purpose to meet me?
GEORGE shrugs his shoulders.
KRAMER is still rummaging through the refrigerator.
ELAINE
C'mon! That's ridiculous! What
kind of a low life would
actually go out of their way and
do something like that to meet
women?
GEORGE looks around the room, looking guilty.
GEORGE
Yeah, well, can you think of a
better way for a low life to
meet women?
ELAINE
C'mon! That's silly! He's not
the type of guy who would do
something like that.
GEORGE
Okay. Okay. Well then to prove
me wrong, why don't you go on
back to the same store today and
see if he's there again. If I'm
right, he'll be there knowing
the odds of you being there
again are incalculable.
ELAINE
Why would I need to go there
again? I was just there
yesterday. You think I'm a
grocery story junkie or
something?
GEORGE
Well, can you go for me? I
gotta be here when Jerry gets
back and there's a sale on salsa
there today.
KRAMER closes the refrigerator door and has an apple in
his hand.
KRAMER
Mmm. Salsa. Love that HOT
salsa! Burns fat away, y'know.
GEORGE stands up from the couch.
GEORGE
That's right. That's right!
C'mon Elaine, just go down and
pick me up a dozen jars or so.
I'll pay you back later.
ELAINE
Well. Okay. But you'll owe me,
and then I'll prove you wrong
while I'm there. (Pause) I gotta
use the bathroom.
GEORGE
No! The water's off in the
building. You can't use it
until tonight.
ELAINE
(Sarcastically) So, okay. I
guess I'll just come back
tonight just to use Jerry's
bathroom.
KRAMER walks towards the door.
GEORGE
Where are you going?
KRAMER
I'm gonna put a stop to this.
Those bums down there don't know
a pipe from a tree branch. I'll
show 'em who's boss around here.
They don't call me the Plumbing
Prince for nothing you know!
CUT TO:
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - SHORTLY FOLLOWING
The basement has an inch of water on the floor and there are
several PLUMBERS working on the pipes at various levels along the
walls. KRAMER enters. His shoes are in one hand and his pants
are rolled up to his knees.
KRAMER
Hey! What's the hold up down
here? I wanna take a shower
sometime today!
PLUMBER 1
What the hell are you doing down
here? We're taking care of the
problem mister, so just go on
back to your apartment an you'll
be splashin' around in your tub
with your rubber ducky in no time.
A couple of PLUMBERS chuckle.
KRAMER surveys the plumbers at work and the water on the
floor.
KRAMER
Well. You guys are going about
it all wrong.
PLUMBER 1
What are you talking about?
PLUMBER 2
Yeah. Who do you think you are,
coming down here trying to tell
us our business?
KRAMER
Why, I'm Kramer. Cosmo Kramer
as a matter of fact.
The two PLUMBERS look surprised and look at each other
with gaping mouths.
PLUMBER 1
Did you say Cosmo Kramer?
KRAMER
That's right. Cosmo Kramer!
PLUMBER 2
Cosmo. Son of Pipey Kramer?
PLUMBER 1
Pipey, the Plumbing King of New
York?
KRAMER
The very same.
The two PLUMBERS take off their hard hats.
PLUMBER 1
Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Kramer! If I
had known who you were I would
have never treated you that way.
If there's anything I can do...
KRAMER puts his hand up to stop him from talking.
KRAMER
Tut tut my good man. If you
would just point me to the
person in charge here, I think I
may be able to enlighten you all
with the fine toodling my father
bestowed upon me.
PLUMBER 2
(Obviously happy) Yes sir!
Right this way.
FADE OUT:
END ACT I
ACT II
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE is sitting on the couch again. ELAINE is gone. The door
to the apartment opens and JERRY walks in with his bags.
JERRY
Hey!
GEORGE
(Still looking miserable) Hey.
JERRY
So how'd it go?
GEORGE
I wish I knew. Once again I was
witness to the mysteries of
women. If there was a course I
could take on the subject, the
situation last night would be
the final exam.
JERRY puts his bags on the floor behind the couch.
JERRY
(Sarcastically) So. It went
well!
GEORGE
Besides that, I had to run to
the late night coffee shop all
night to go to the bathroom.
I've never had to go to the
bathroom so much in all my life.
JERRY
Gotta love that salsa.
KRAMER barges in the door, still with his shoes in his hand and
his pants rolled up. All his clothes look a bit wet.
GEORGE
(Sarcastically) Here to see me?
KRAMER
(Looking to JERRY) Jerry!
KRAMER slaps his free hand to his shoe soles.
GEORGE
I thought so.
GEORGE gets up from the couch and walks over near JERRY
and KRAMER.
JERRY
Yeah, what's up?
KRAMER
Look, I'm gonna get this water
thing all fixed up. Someone's
just gotta go check to see if
the toilet in here works yet.
JERRY
How are you supposed to fix
things?
KRAMER
On the account of my father,
Pipey Kramer - (proudly) The
Plumbing King of New York.
GEORGE
Plumbing King of New York?
KRAMER
That's right. And I'm the
Plumbing Prince.
JERRY
What are you talking about -
Prince?
KRAMER
My father was the best plumber
in the city. He could unstop a
sewer drain with a simple coat
hanger. He had his own practice
not too far from this apartment
here.
GEORGE
Own practice? You make it sound
like the guy was a doctor or
something.
KRAMER
Plumbing's serious business in
this city. I mean, go look at
that basement sometime. I tell
ya, it's no job for a mere
peasant plumber.
JERRY
(Laughs a bit) Yeah. But
Plumbing Prince? C'mon!
GEORGE laughs.
KRAMER
Yeah yeah yeah. Well will
someone just go on in there and
check to see if the toilet
works. I gotta job to do here.
GEORGE
Yeah. Hold on.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
P.O.V. camera shot from inside the toilet looking up towards the
bathroom's entrance. We see GEORGE enter into the bathroom and
look down into the toilet. He opens his mouth in horror and
disgust and runs out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is pinned up against the wall directly across from the
bathroom entrance. He is holding his hand over his mouth.
JERRY
What is it? What's wrong?
KRAMER
It doesn't work yet?
GEORGE slowly walks over to JERRY and KRAMER, still with his hand
over his mouth.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE pulls down his hand from his mouth and blurts out
angrily.
GEORGE
You should know what's lurking
in there! It is yours! Take a
look for yourself!
JERRY walks into the bathroom, looking very curious and
concerned.
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
P.O.V. camera shot from the toilet as before. We see JERRY walk
in, talking behind himself.
JERRY
What is the matter with you?
What could be so...
JERRY looks into the toilet and has a very disgusted look on his
face. GEORGE is now standing in the doorway but not looking in.
JERRY
Oh my.
GEORGE
How could you do it, Jer! How
could you leave...it...in there
like that for someone to
discover? Amy discovered it
last night and it scared her so
much she ran five blocks to the
subway! Do you have any
decency?
JERRY
Me? Well...it...isn't mine! I
don't even eat those! Maybe
it's her...it...in there! Did
you ever think of that?
GEORGE
No way. She hates those! She's
allergic to them!
KRAMER walks into the bathroom. As he speaks, he looks into the
toilet.
KRAMER
What's the probl...YAAAH!
JERRY
My thoughts exactly. Did you
leave...it...in here? Because
whoever did is gonna pay for it.
KRAMER
Well it ain't mine. That's a
plumber's nightmare in there.
KRAMER looks down to the floor.
KRAMER
Ho, what's this?
KRAMER bends down and picks up what looks like a magazine.
KRAMER
Interesting reading material,
Jer.
JERRY
What? Lemme see that.
JERRY looks the catalog over and shows signs of anger.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
JERRY and KRAMER exit the bathroom and stand outside by its door.
JERRY
Can you explain THIS?
JERRY shoves the magazine into GEORGE'S chest.
GEORGE
(Shocked) Hey! This is one of
those catalogs I keep getting
with all the...
JERRY
(Interrupting GEORGE, still
angry) I know what it is.
Would you mind explaining how it
got into my bathroom and how
it's addressed to you?
GEORGE
(Shocked) Well. I don't know
how it got in there. I didn't
do it! (Alerted) But I bet
whoever's...it...is in there is
the one responsible for sending
me these catalogs.
JERRY
Well what are we gonna do about
it? This needs to be fixed!
KRAMER
Well I can't fix that.
GEORGE snaps his fingers.
GEORGE
You know. If we find out who
eats those, I bet we'll find out
who...it...belongs to.
JERRY
Well how are we supposed to do
that?
KRAMER
Well you fellas can stand here
and figure all that out. I got
more work to do.
KRAMER turns towards the bathroom door.
KRAMER
Watch out. I'm going in.
KRAMER holds his nose and runs into the bathroom. We hear him
trying to flush the toilet. All that happens is the rattle of
the flush handle, but no flush. He comes barreling out and gasps
for air.
JERRY
Oh this is just great!
KRAMER
I'll put a stop to this once and
for all!
KRAMER runs for the door.
CUT TO:
INT: SUPERMARKET - DAY
ELAINE is carrying a small grocery basket which is filled with
jars. She walks down one of the aisles and spots STEVE. She
notices that he is acting strangely. We see that he is standing
behind his cart, peering down one of the aisles. A beautiful
WOMAN comes up the aisle, and as she does, he deliberately bumps
into her cart just as he did with ELAINE the previous day. STEVE
and the WOMAN begin to talk and laugh. ELAINE looks upset and
walks toward him.
STEVE
(Surprised) Uh, Elaine! What
are you doing here again?
ELAINE
Oh, I thought I'd bring a basket
this time and try my luck at the
market again. Like this.
ELAINE takes the basket and shoves it into STEVE'S gut. He bends
over in pain.
STEVE
OOF! What...what..
The WOMAN he was talking to looks totally shocked and begins to
cart away.
STEVE
(To WOMAN) Wait. I...
ELAINE
Hmmm. That didn't work. Let's
try this.
We can see now that STEVE is now wearing the same shoes that
KRAMER was wearing. ELAINE stomps a foot down on one of them and
grinds down with her heel. STEVE lets out with a yell of pain.
STEVE
Hey! Do you know who these
shoes belonged to?
ELAINE takes STEVE'S cart and pushes it down the aisle.
ELAINE
Here's looking at you...Jerk!
ELAINE walks away smiling.
CUT TO:
INT: SUPERMARKET AISLE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
The carriage rolls down the aisle and STEVE chases after it,
limping. It slams into another carriage, but we do not see who
it belongs to yet. STEVE then approaches and we see a look of
some horror on his face.
CUT TO:
INT: SUPERMARKET AISLE - P.O.V. STEVE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
We see the owner of the other carriage, who is a very fat and
UGLY WOMAN. She is smiling.
UGLY WOMAN
Well. Hello.
FADE OUT:
END ACT II
ACT III
FADE IN:
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - DAY
All the PLUMBERS are gathered around KRAMER.
SUPERVISOR
Look, we know who your father
was, but you ain't no Plumbing
Prince. We're getting real sick
of you ordering us around like
we're a bunch of bums.
PLUMBER 1
Yeah. We've had it with you,
Cosmo. Just let us do the job
our way. We were almost
finished anyway.
The other PLUMBERS begin to express their agreement with
miscellaneous mumbings.
KRAMER
Gentlemen, gentlemen. As
impossible as it may seem, I am
the Plumbing Prince of New York.
And if you would all just follow
the perfect plans I laid out for
you all, we will have these
pipes back to health in no time.
PLUMBER 2
Yeah, but what's in it for us?
SUPERVISOR
Yeah. What do we get by
following your orders
(sarcastically) oh mighty one?
KRAMER
Well...If you all follow my
orders precisely, I will, with
my very hand, make you
all...uh...honorary knights of
Pipey Kramer.
PLUMBER 1
What? You gotta be kidding!
SUPERVISOR
Let's get outta here guys. This
guy's nuts.
The PLUMBERS begin to leave, mumbling.
KRAMER
Okay! You will be nothing
without a blessing from my hand!
You'll be lucky to get work
snaking a smoker's pipe with a
pipe cleaner without my
knowledge backing you up!
The PLUMBERS have all left, and a leak bursts into KRAMER'S chest
from a pipe against the wall. KRAMER, looking worried, slaps his
hand over the leak.
KRAMER
Guys! Hey men! I have another
plan! You'll like it much
better!
Another leak bursts from the same pipe but a few feet across from
the first leak. KRAMER, still holding his shoes, takes them to
his mouth and holds them with his teeth. He uses that hand to
cover the other leak. He is now mumbling wildly through his
teeth for the PLUMBERS to return.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE is on the phone.
GEORGE
Well (laughs) it's a funny
thing, y'see. I'm not
responsible for what you saw in
the bathroom last night. It's a
complete misunderstanding is all
it is.
CUT TO:
INT: AMY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
The camera only shows AMY on the phone from chest up.
AMY
I'm not sure what you're talking
about.
*(As each character speaks the camera cuts to their location)*
GEORGE
Well..y'know...The embarrassing
oversight in the toilet.
AMY
Oversight in the toilet?
GEORGE
Y'know. Someone
left...it...unflushed. It's
quite embarrassing actually.
AMY
More like disgusting. Why are
you telling me this, George?
GEORGE
Well...isn't that why you ran
out of here so quickly last
night?
AMY
I have no idea what you're
talking about, but I think it's
as sick as the catalogs you
read. Good bye, George!
AMY slams down the phone.
GEORGE has a shocked look on his face, still holding the
phone to his ear.
CUT TO:
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
KRAMER is still holding two leaks, one with each hand, and one
leak with one of his feet. He has given up trying to yell for
help. Suddenly we see a P.O.V. from KRAMER as he focuses into
one of his shoes. We see a signature in one of them, "Humphrey
Bogart". The camera cuts back to the previous shot, which shows
KRAMER'S excited look. Another leak then sprouts directly in
front of his face, causing him to let go of the shoes and drop
them into what is now a foot of water. The leak is larger than
the other three and is now spraying violently into KRAMER'S face.
He makes gestures to try to block the spray with his tongue
somehow.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is no longer on the phone and sits on the couch. JERRY is
in the kitchen.
GEORGE
My life is over, Jerry. Now the
whole world thinks I read those
catalogs. She thinks it's all
some kind of a sick joke I
played. I'll never get a date
in this town thanks to...it. Or
whoever's...it...it is.
JERRY
Well, we'll find the culprit.
Don't you worry. I'll scavenge
every corner of this building
until I find the home where it
came from. That person will
bring it to its final resting
place.
Outside JERRY'S apartment door we hear someone whistling "London
Bridges". JERRY hears the whistling and listens closer. He then
heads for the door.
GEORGE
What? What is it?
JERRY
(Angry) I know that tune.
CUT TO:
INT: HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
We see the back of NEWMAN walking down the hall, dressed in his
postman's uniform with a large mail bag on his back. He is still
whistling the same tune. JERRY'S door opens.
JERRY
Newman!
NEWMAN stops whistling suddenly and stops walking, but does not
turn around.
NEWMAN
(Nervously) Uh...yes Jerry?
JERRY
(Distrusting) You didn't happen
to see anyone come into my
apartment...say, sometime
yesterday morning...did you?
NEWMAN remains with his back turned to JERRY.
NEWMAN
Uh...why, no. I didn't see
anybody, Jer. Heh heh.
JERRY notices that there is a familiar looking catalog sticking
out of NEWMAN'S bag. JERRY reaches over and snags the catalog
from the bag and looks at it. JERRY has an angry look on his
face now.
JERRY
Turn around, Newman.
NEWMAN
Uh...heh heh.
JERRY
Turn around!
NEWMAN turns around and we see that his face is covered in
chocolate. In his hands are "Chunky" wrappers. JERRY walks
closer to him and grabs the wrappers.
JERRY
(Grimacing) Give me that.
JERRY reads the wrapper.
JERRY
Just as I thought. With
peanuts!
NEWMAN
I'm sorry, Jer! I thought that
it was just my toilet that
wasn't working, so when I saw
you weren't around, I figured it
was okay to use yours. I didn't
realize it was the whole
building. Honest!
JERRY
You! Do you know what you did
to poor George in there! His
life's ruined because of these
catalogs! You should be ashamed
of yourself - using George as
the scapegoat in your devilish
plot to read cheap porn!
NEWMAN
I know. I know. I did it all.
I'm sorry!
JERRY
Go in there and apologize to him
and finish the job you started
in there!
NEWMAN sinks his head low and shuffles into JERRY'S apartment.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
P.O.V. Toilet - Nobody is in the room yet.
GEORGE (O.C.)
Well just get in there
and get rid of it now. I'm
calling Amy so you can explain
all of this to her.
NEWMAN (O.C.)
Okay okay!
NEWMAN enters and he peers into the toilet. He even has a
disgusted look on his face. He reaches over to the toilet's
flush handle and pushes it. We see that the toilet is working
and gurgling at the force it's trying to put on what's being
flushed down.
JERRY (O.C.)
Finally!
CUT TO:
INT: BASEMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
KRAMER is still fighting with the water in his face. Suddenly,
the water in his face stops, but the other leaks continue. He
looks relieved. A couple of seconds go by, and then there is a
rumbling noise coming from the pipes. He begins to look worried
as it get louder and the pipes begin to rattle.
CUT TO:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING
GEORGE is holding the phone out to NEWMAN.
GEORGE
(Angry) Now you tell her you're
responsible, or I swear I'll...
NEWMAN reaches for the phone.
NEWMAN
Okay. Okay. You don't need to
be pushy.
O.C. we hear an explosion and a blood curdling scream from
KRAMER in the basement.
FREEZE FRAME.
END ACT III
ACT IV
FADE IN:
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The apartment is empty and dark except for a light coming from
under the bathroom door. The apartment door opens and JERRY and
ELAINE enter. JERRY turns on the lights to the apartment.
ELAINE is holding a semi-full paper bag.
JERRY
"Here's lookin' at you...Jerk?"
ELAINE
Well it was all that I could
come up with at the time. What,
you think you can do better?
JERRY
Well you certainly made it up by
making him come face to face
with two-ton Tara. I know I'd
think twice about visiting the
supermarket if I had close
encounters with the three T's.
ELAINE
Three T's?
JERRY
Yeah. Two...Ton...Tara.
ELAINE nods, understanding.
From the bathroom we hear what sounds almost like a woman in
"throws of passion" or pain of some sort.
ELAINE
(Shocked) What is that?
JERRY
(Shocked) I dunno. I don't
remember leaving the door
unlocked. (Pause) (Angrily)
Unless...
JERRY storms toward the bathroom door.
The noises continue.
JERRY
Newman! I know it's you in
there now come on out! I
thought I told you not to come
in here anymore!
JERRY pounds on the bathroom door.
The noises stop.
JERRY
(Angrily) Newman!
There's no answer.
JERRY
(More angrily) That's it Newman.
I'm giving you one last chance.
I'm gonna leave for ten minutes,
and when I get back you'd better
be gone. Understand?
Still no answer.
JERRY turns and walks towards ELAINE. ELAINE puts the
paper bag she has down on the counter.
JERRY
(Angrily) C'mon. Let's go.
He'd better be gone when I get
back.
JERRY and ELAINE leave and close the door behind them. We then
hear that familiar whistling of "London Bridges" come from the
bathroom.
FADE OUT:
END ACT IV
END