Title: Say Goodbye
Author: Kayla
Songfic: Say Goodbye by Fleetwood Mac
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns them... but she's not a very good owner. The song is by Fleetwood Mac. Yes, grief has driven me to a songfic.
Summary: Remus lets go for Sirius's sake, after remembering many lives they shared or didn't share.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR OOTP. TELLS WHO DIES.
--------------
~Saw your face yesterday
thinking on the days of old
and the price that we had to pay
for a love that we could not hold~
It's been three long months... why did I have to find a picture of Sirius last night. They say that when you lose someone you love, you can heal, but you never forget. Well, my involvement in this messed up world, and my care for Harry has "eased" it quite a bit.
Harry was Sirius's godson, but in the days following Sirius's death, I find myself closer to him than ever. Poor boy, in a way he's a lot like Siri and I were. No matter how hard the two of us tried, we'd end up suffering. Every bit of good in our lives, seemed to be tortured into a world of agony. Sirius and I had a rocky time as teenagers, even if there were a few beautiful and romantic moments in our lives. His home life was bad, and mine was just weird. My parents didn't accept me either, but because I was a werewolf and they just couldn't accept me as one. So that was a hard time. Like Harry, Sirius and I both had no adult figure to look up to and admire.
Then came the day I was forced to believe that Sirius was guilty of a terrible murder. I don't know how long I remained in denial. I told anyone who would listen that Sirius was innocent, but nobody believed me. I even saw him in Azkaban one time. He begged me to try and clear his name, because they weren't even going to offer him a trial. I still, to this day, remember every word he said. "Remus, I love you and will love you no matter what you decide. Say to me that you don't believe me and I will still love you forever. Please though, Remus, help me."
"Siri... I can't believe you, even though I want to. Lily, James, Peter... they're gone and now, now, you've done it!"
"If you can't believe me than it's all right. Hell, I wouldn't believe my own story really. At least help me get a trial Remus, they wont even give that to me. It was Peter who did it, you must know..."
I had cut Sirius off so quickly at that moment, that I did not even realize till after Siri came back that he was telling me it was Peter. I was blinded with rage and love that was trying to betray my senses. I am an idiot for doing that to Sirius! I gave up on him and didn't even fight for him.
I feel awful, and terribly sorry. Now that he's gone, it hurts me entirely to think that I didn't deserve a lover like Sirius. I've tried to forget that single moment in time, yet it often returns with as little as a small picture.
Then he came back to me so forgiving. "It's in the past," was what Sirius said to me. Well, since the past was over, I just figured that meant the pain was over. We could stop suffering and just stay together forever. I instantly dreamed of a life together.
I could nearly say it was my fault Sirius's name was not cleared then. I turned into the werewolf, causing Peter's sneaky getaway. I know that if he were alive right now, Sirius would tell me that I was being an idiot again.
Yeah, but Sirius would probably just be protecting me. He's done it before so I'd never put it past my love, to shelter me.
We never got total happiness. A few precious moments but awkward teen years, two years of not trusting each other, and fourteen years of loneliness will NEVER make up for the one small year we shared in the end. It was probably less than a year, due to pain and absence, but I was this year beggining to dream again of a life with Sirius. Sirius told me in private, before he died, that his godson should never suffer like we have and I am going to keep that promise.
~I let you slip away
there was nothing I could do
That was so long ago,
still I often think of you~
I hope, wherever he is now, that Siri knows that I'll never stop thinking of him. I love him so much... even now, now that he's gone forever.
I sit down, still holding the fateful picture of my love. "Sirius," I say fondly to the memory. It is of us with James and Harry, just weeks before the death of my friends Lily and James. James is smiling despite all we were going through at that time along with his equally smiling baby son.
Sirius and I are a mix of emotions. He's looking at me, trying to wave at Lily, who was taking our picture, but failing and looking at me. He loved me then, as I loved him, but his suspicions overtook his love, like mine to me at another time.
"Sirius, you jerk." Oh, it is so surprising to hear my own voice, but now I realize that we were both always such fools. If we'd just fallen in love, it all would have been easier. No, we fell to suspicion lies and pain.
I will never forget Sirius, I'm afraid. We've both had such pain filled lives, but now he is no longer hurting like I am. I should feel so happy for him, but I can't. My life is still here, and I miss my love so much.
~I fall down, I get up
and I've always had to fight
Everything that was wrong
for the things that were right~
"Siri, love?" I ask aloud to the open air. "Tell me then, if you are free now and all knowing... did we do what was right? Fighting for good, suffering for a greater good, was that right? Cause in my opinion, your death did not help anything. It lost Harry his beloved Godfather and it lost me the love of my life."
I never expect an answer to that question. Just the birds outside my home, chirping a happy song of life. A soft wind is blowing inside my house. I wonder if I've left one of the windows open.
I do not remember leaving the kitchen window open, but here it is, wide open. Well...
Wait, I did not leave it like that. After Harry left my house this evening he told me he was locking my window, because I'd left it open.
Something about this window makes me sob. I do not believe in omens or signs, but this feels like something to me. Siri... I don't want to believe he has given me a sign, but perhaps he has. "Sirius, does this mean I just let go?" I cannot believe that I now sob on the floor, when I was just learning composure again.
The wind coming into my room is no sign to anyone else, but it is something we share. The first night we spent together, in the shack, the first night Sirius knew I was a werewolf was a very windy day. I was crying pathetically about him knowing my secret, and how much I loved him. Then Siri said simply, "Remy, please you had a hard day. It's windy too... so let it go."
So wind always meant let the problem go for us.
~Now I've finally found my way
now I know just what to do
Once you said goodbye to me
now I'll say goodbye to you.~
Sign or not, I do need to let go of my love. We will be together some day, when it is time for my life to end as well as his did. I know that he loves me, and always will as I did. I just have to remember him, but not be sad, if that is humanly possible.
God, I miss him so much that I doubt I'll ever let go. Yet, I'm needed for other things. This isn't over yet, I still have so many probably pointless causes to fight and lose friends lives over.
~Now I best be on my way
before the night turns blue
once you said goodbye to me
now I say goodbye to you~
Ack... I almost forgot that it's the full moon again. Time to get out the all familliar locks and chains I've had on my door in recent full moons. My grief tends to get the wolf angrier.
Here we go again. Yet, Sirius, it is a gusty night... so soon my promblems will be forgotten. I guess this is goodbye for now. I love you so very much.
Author: Kayla
Songfic: Say Goodbye by Fleetwood Mac
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns them... but she's not a very good owner. The song is by Fleetwood Mac. Yes, grief has driven me to a songfic.
Summary: Remus lets go for Sirius's sake, after remembering many lives they shared or didn't share.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR OOTP. TELLS WHO DIES.
--------------
~Saw your face yesterday
thinking on the days of old
and the price that we had to pay
for a love that we could not hold~
It's been three long months... why did I have to find a picture of Sirius last night. They say that when you lose someone you love, you can heal, but you never forget. Well, my involvement in this messed up world, and my care for Harry has "eased" it quite a bit.
Harry was Sirius's godson, but in the days following Sirius's death, I find myself closer to him than ever. Poor boy, in a way he's a lot like Siri and I were. No matter how hard the two of us tried, we'd end up suffering. Every bit of good in our lives, seemed to be tortured into a world of agony. Sirius and I had a rocky time as teenagers, even if there were a few beautiful and romantic moments in our lives. His home life was bad, and mine was just weird. My parents didn't accept me either, but because I was a werewolf and they just couldn't accept me as one. So that was a hard time. Like Harry, Sirius and I both had no adult figure to look up to and admire.
Then came the day I was forced to believe that Sirius was guilty of a terrible murder. I don't know how long I remained in denial. I told anyone who would listen that Sirius was innocent, but nobody believed me. I even saw him in Azkaban one time. He begged me to try and clear his name, because they weren't even going to offer him a trial. I still, to this day, remember every word he said. "Remus, I love you and will love you no matter what you decide. Say to me that you don't believe me and I will still love you forever. Please though, Remus, help me."
"Siri... I can't believe you, even though I want to. Lily, James, Peter... they're gone and now, now, you've done it!"
"If you can't believe me than it's all right. Hell, I wouldn't believe my own story really. At least help me get a trial Remus, they wont even give that to me. It was Peter who did it, you must know..."
I had cut Sirius off so quickly at that moment, that I did not even realize till after Siri came back that he was telling me it was Peter. I was blinded with rage and love that was trying to betray my senses. I am an idiot for doing that to Sirius! I gave up on him and didn't even fight for him.
I feel awful, and terribly sorry. Now that he's gone, it hurts me entirely to think that I didn't deserve a lover like Sirius. I've tried to forget that single moment in time, yet it often returns with as little as a small picture.
Then he came back to me so forgiving. "It's in the past," was what Sirius said to me. Well, since the past was over, I just figured that meant the pain was over. We could stop suffering and just stay together forever. I instantly dreamed of a life together.
I could nearly say it was my fault Sirius's name was not cleared then. I turned into the werewolf, causing Peter's sneaky getaway. I know that if he were alive right now, Sirius would tell me that I was being an idiot again.
Yeah, but Sirius would probably just be protecting me. He's done it before so I'd never put it past my love, to shelter me.
We never got total happiness. A few precious moments but awkward teen years, two years of not trusting each other, and fourteen years of loneliness will NEVER make up for the one small year we shared in the end. It was probably less than a year, due to pain and absence, but I was this year beggining to dream again of a life with Sirius. Sirius told me in private, before he died, that his godson should never suffer like we have and I am going to keep that promise.
~I let you slip away
there was nothing I could do
That was so long ago,
still I often think of you~
I hope, wherever he is now, that Siri knows that I'll never stop thinking of him. I love him so much... even now, now that he's gone forever.
I sit down, still holding the fateful picture of my love. "Sirius," I say fondly to the memory. It is of us with James and Harry, just weeks before the death of my friends Lily and James. James is smiling despite all we were going through at that time along with his equally smiling baby son.
Sirius and I are a mix of emotions. He's looking at me, trying to wave at Lily, who was taking our picture, but failing and looking at me. He loved me then, as I loved him, but his suspicions overtook his love, like mine to me at another time.
"Sirius, you jerk." Oh, it is so surprising to hear my own voice, but now I realize that we were both always such fools. If we'd just fallen in love, it all would have been easier. No, we fell to suspicion lies and pain.
I will never forget Sirius, I'm afraid. We've both had such pain filled lives, but now he is no longer hurting like I am. I should feel so happy for him, but I can't. My life is still here, and I miss my love so much.
~I fall down, I get up
and I've always had to fight
Everything that was wrong
for the things that were right~
"Siri, love?" I ask aloud to the open air. "Tell me then, if you are free now and all knowing... did we do what was right? Fighting for good, suffering for a greater good, was that right? Cause in my opinion, your death did not help anything. It lost Harry his beloved Godfather and it lost me the love of my life."
I never expect an answer to that question. Just the birds outside my home, chirping a happy song of life. A soft wind is blowing inside my house. I wonder if I've left one of the windows open.
I do not remember leaving the kitchen window open, but here it is, wide open. Well...
Wait, I did not leave it like that. After Harry left my house this evening he told me he was locking my window, because I'd left it open.
Something about this window makes me sob. I do not believe in omens or signs, but this feels like something to me. Siri... I don't want to believe he has given me a sign, but perhaps he has. "Sirius, does this mean I just let go?" I cannot believe that I now sob on the floor, when I was just learning composure again.
The wind coming into my room is no sign to anyone else, but it is something we share. The first night we spent together, in the shack, the first night Sirius knew I was a werewolf was a very windy day. I was crying pathetically about him knowing my secret, and how much I loved him. Then Siri said simply, "Remy, please you had a hard day. It's windy too... so let it go."
So wind always meant let the problem go for us.
~Now I've finally found my way
now I know just what to do
Once you said goodbye to me
now I'll say goodbye to you.~
Sign or not, I do need to let go of my love. We will be together some day, when it is time for my life to end as well as his did. I know that he loves me, and always will as I did. I just have to remember him, but not be sad, if that is humanly possible.
God, I miss him so much that I doubt I'll ever let go. Yet, I'm needed for other things. This isn't over yet, I still have so many probably pointless causes to fight and lose friends lives over.
~Now I best be on my way
before the night turns blue
once you said goodbye to me
now I say goodbye to you~
Ack... I almost forgot that it's the full moon again. Time to get out the all familliar locks and chains I've had on my door in recent full moons. My grief tends to get the wolf angrier.
Here we go again. Yet, Sirius, it is a gusty night... so soon my promblems will be forgotten. I guess this is goodbye for now. I love you so very much.