To Yen Vi for listening to me ramble, and getting me out of my rut. And, this is dedicated to the MSWord dictionary, which thinks "gunnels" isn't a word - but Parcheesi is.
-
Ron sighed, rolling over in his big fluffy comfortable and suspiciously empty bed. Severus was up early, again. Contrary to normal behavior, Severus was usually least grouchy in the morning, and Ron liked to spend that time with him. Preferably in the big fluffy bed. However, Severus tended to wake early and spend time in the kitchen, brewing potions or cooking breakfast. Sometimes, he even made pancakes.
It still surprised him. It had been over a year, a year, and he still marveled at the little bizarre things he found out about Severus. The concept of Professor Snape making pancakes would have completely blown his mind his first year, and even the thought of Snape making normal non-poisoned pancakes for him would have sent him screaming into the night. But now, now things were different.
For one, having a ridiculous amount of sex with a person tends to change your perception of said person. Sometimes it even leads to liking that person, which can lead to non-sex-related things, which can, as it did in his case, lead to falling in love with said having-sex-with person. Which lead to a tiny cottage on the outskirts of Hogsmead, pancakes, and big fluffy unoccupied beds when Ron Weasley just wanted to snuggle.
However, you had to wake up very early in the morning to snuggle with Severus Snape, as not-very-many people could testify to, and Ron didn't wake up early unless he really really really had to. So, he settled for breakfast, and stumbled blearily into the kitchen.
School was out, so Severus was either extremely happy because he didn't have to go in to work that day, or extremely brassed off because he didn't have anyone besides Ron to pick on. Ron was hoping for happy, because brassed off usually lead to sex, and he had to get in to the office early today so he could get off early to go to... Anyway, he didn't have time for sex.
"Morning, luv."
"Morning." Severus replied, barely looking up from his Daily Prophet.
Least grouchy, yes, but also least verbal part of the day. Severus was the big strong silent type at the breakfast table. After coffee he usually morphed into the big strong uses-words-of-more-than-one-syllable type.
"Don't forget, Ginny's graduation party is tonight."
Severus merely looked up and quirked one eyebrow before carefully setting his coffee down on the table.
"At what time should I expect you home, then?" And the dance began.
"Come on Sev, can't you go? Just this once? I know you don't, uh, get along with my family, but…"
"Don't get along?" The eyebrow was back, bringing along it's partner in crime, the left side of Severus' upper lip. "Ron, they hate me. And I hate them. For plenty of perfectly valid reasons on both sides. Whenever I'm near them I have to forcibly restrain the desire to kill either them or myself."
"Oh, now, it's not as bad as all that, I'm sure…" Which earned him a smirk and a laugh.
"Ron. You'd be the only person there who doesn't despise me. Must I remind you that very few of your family members have expressed anything other than disapproval of you being here?"
The "I'm moving in with Professor Snape after graduation, because I'm madly in love with him and we've been seeing each other for 6 months behind your back" conversation had not gone over well, to say the least. But, it didn't matter. He was going to make everything work out for the best or bloody well die trying.
"Please, Severus! They're important to me, and whether or not anyone likes admitting it, so are you, damnit! Mum an' Dad will come around, you'll see. And it's for Ginny, and Ginny likes you so. Please?"
Ron's kicked-puppy-eyes were completely wasted on Severus, who simply shook his head slowly, avoiding eye contact.
"Oh, no you don't! I love you, and you're going, Professor. And that's, uh, that's final."
Ron stormed to the bedroom, the bathroom, back to the bedroom, the kitchen for a goodbye kiss, then off to work, huffing angrily all the while.
-
"Completely infuriatingly stubborn! I swear, one of these days I'm going to. Well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I guarantee it's not going to be pretty." Ron growled, banging his head against the wall.
"Ron…" Sighed.
"Oh no you don't Hermione, don't 'Ron' me. I should have slept with you, you like my family. You've never tried to kill my family…" Ron looked pleadingly at Hermione, who was busily sorting through some papers at the coffee table.
"I'm also a girl and a lesbian and dating your sister. One of us would have come to the conclusion that it was a bad idea in time for you to go through with my little plan…" Indecently innocent smirk. "Come on, you like him. You're in love with him. He just happens not to like your family. So what?"
"I don't know, it's just… I spent seventeen years with the freaks, he can at least spend a few hours with them..."
-
"Ron!" Aunt Florie, a spinsterly old witch and his father's sister Gwen's best friend. Practically family enough to leave hideous pink lipstick marks on both his cheeks and exclaim about what a handsome man he'd become. Not family enough to understand the death-glare emanating from his eerily-silent black-robed shadow. "And you are?"
"Severus Snape." Said in such a way that poor Florie suddenly had to bustle off to refresh her barely-touched glass of punch.
"Stop scaring the relatives. It's getting creepy." Ron poked Severus.
"You wouldn't have to worry about then if you'd let me stay behind, you know. I can hardly say any emotional trauma they sustain is my fault."
Ron heaved a world-weary sigh, kissed Severus on the cheek, then went back to check on Ginny and Hermione, who were busily unwrapping presents.
-
"And what's this about a plan?" Ron blinked at Hermione, who was trying to look engrossed in paperwork. "Hermione? Come on. What plan?"
"I, uh, you know, back at Hogwarts." A faint flush was starting to creep its way across her face.
"Yes, I know about Hogwarts. I went there, remember? That's how we met. What plan?"
"Well, you. You were kind of unhappy. And. Ginny mentioned how you, well, you were always talking about Professor Snape anyway. I figured out that you had a crush, of sorts, on him. Snape. So, I came up with the plan. To get you two together."
"You figured out that I… How? I didn't figure that out until. Until, well. How?" Ron gaped.
"Hey, I'm not the youngest Minister of Magic for no reason! You were always talking about him. You even said you liked his haircut once. I mean, it was obvious. You used to stare at him all the time, and swear I saw you write 'Ron Weasley-Snape' on a piece of parchment before you threw it into the fire. Deduction, my dear Weasley."
-
"Hey, isn't that cousin Jenny hitting on your boyfriend?" His tirade on proper etiquette when spending time with your loved one's loved ones was cut short. Ron spun abruptly on his heal and, sure enough, Jennifer April Weasley, Aunt Gwen's first child, was trying to chat up Severus "No Middle Name, I Don't Care If You Love Me I'm Not Telling Anyone" Snape.
Before Sir Ron, protector of not-at-all-innocents, could spring into action, Severus was saved by… Ron's mother, of all people. They actually seemed to be having a rational conversation as Ron wove his way back to them.
"…even Neville, bless his heart. It's you I worry the least about, actually. Ron could do worse."
Ron blinked.
"Mum?"
"Oh, hello dear. Severus and I were just having a little chat. Lovely party, isn't it? We're all so proud of little Ginny. Top of her class! I suspect much of it was Hermione's influence, but still - it's quite an accomplishment. " His mother kissed him on the forehead, winked, and disappeared into the crowd.
"Ron, I do believe I'm afraid of your mother."
"She has that affect on people, yes."
"Oh?"
"Hermione's said she's scared witless around her, which is saying a lot. Neville, well, Neville's scared of his own shadow, so he's not the best example, but - he's fainted because of her. I think it's the 'personally feed you to the dementors' speech, honestly." Ron smiled, wrapping his arm around Severus.
"Come to think of it, it did seemed to have a practiced quality to it. The five older siblings must contribute somewhat, I gather."
"Four, really. Fred and George are primarily one girl guys… Unless Mum gives them the same speech twice. Or she could vary the punishment scenario for either twin. Hurt George and you get the dementors. Hurt Fred and you get fed to Charlie's dragons, or something."
Ron was content, head on his - lover? partner? boyfriend? -'s shoulder, watching the disaster of the semi-annual A Weasley Graduates From Hogwarts party. Fred and George's had been spectacular - every five seconds someone burst into feathers or something exploded. His own had been a wreck - he'd been freaked out about Severus half the time and at Draco Malfoy's throat the rest. Ginny's was surprisingly calming, even with his other half scaring the bejesus out of half the guests.
-
"The whole thing was planned? Did Harry know? Harry knew! Why didn't you ever tell me? Bloody hell Hermione…" Ron paced, then came to an abrupt stop. "Even the whipped cream?"
"No, that was just a - bonus."
"I think I'm going to cry." Ron sat heavily across form Hermione, consciously not drinking his coffee.
"Ron, come one. It's not that bad. It's not bad at all! You're happy, I'm happy, hell, even Harry and Malfoy are happy! Everyone's happy!" Hermione sighed. She'd been doing it a lot lately. It was probably the presence of Weasleys wherever she went.
"I know that. I just. I dunno." It was probably cold by now anyway. His coffee. The was no reason to drink it anymore, really. He didn't even know why he bothered buying it. "When Severus ends up killing my entire family - save Ginny, probably - I'm going to tell the police that it was all the fault of Hermione Granger's plan."
"He's not going to try and kill your entire family…"
"He's told me himself that he's tried to kill Dad! More than once! Thank whoever he didn't do a very good job of it."
"Whomever."
"Whatever. Why couldn't you have set me up with a nice, normal boy? A Hufflepuff?" Hermione shook her head. "I just - I love him and all, but he's so."
Sigh.
"Listen, it's like - he's only ever happy when we're alone. Moment we're around other people he's back to being a complete arsewipe to just about everyone. I want him to be happy, but I don't want to spend every minute at home… I."
"You've said yourself that he's had a lot of things in his life to deal with. Give him time, I'm sure things will work out. They tend to, anyway." He was graced with the 'I mean this, Ron Weasley, don't think I don't because I do' look that usually heralded an end to their conversations.
"You'll see. He's coming to Ginny's party tonight. Rather, I'm dragging him along to Ginny's party tonight."
-
"I do believe I've been sucked into a dimension of hell."
"I only get that feeling when the drapes catch fire." And then they did. Burst into flames. The drapes. And Aunt Gwen, in her infinite wisdom and impatience put them out with the entire bowl of punch. Severus quirked an eyebrow at him, as if to say 'what did you expect?'
Which, sadly, was one of those expressions that made Ron want to shove him against a wall and - do things completely inappropriate for a family gathering. Which, most likely, was why Severus was making no attempt to stop. Which was how Ron ended up kissing him in a room stuffed to the gunnels with relatives. Which…
It was one of those really good 'bed-sex-now' kinds of kisses, ranked directly below the 'love-you-forever' kind, but still something that he really didn't want disrupted by Aunt Gwen fainting.
Sigh.
-
The 'I mean this Ron…' look fell to the wayside completely overshadowed by the giant light bulb in Hermione's eyes.
"No."
"Ron! No, listen, it's perfect…"
"Not another plan."
"But they work out so well!"
"No, no, no, no… Your plans scare me, seriously. I ended up having sex with a teacher because of your plans. Harry's practically married to his former arch-rival because of your plans. Your plans are evil, unnatural things that must never see the light of day and this is having no effect whatsoever on you, is it?"
"Nope."
"Fine, fine." Pause. Vaguely panic-stricken expression. "So. What's the plan?"
-
"Oh my." Was all his mother said as she whipped out the magical smelling salts and brought Gwen back to consciousness. "I wasn't expecting this until Christmas. Almost makes me feel like I can't predict you boys anymore." She patted Ron on the head before patting Severus on the shoulder, and returning to patting Aunt Gwen on the cheek.
Ron just managed to stop a forming 'what did you expect' face with a 'please burst into flames now' glare, patent pending. He sighed, again. He'd been doing that a lot lately.
With a quick glance back at his lover he figured that now was as good a time as any to implement Hermione's "Plan of Doom."
-
"It's all rather simple. You hardly have to lift a finger - except for some light spell-casting, and I'll help you with that. What? You thought you were going this one alone?" Ron winced at Hermione's 'don't fuck with the rooster!' eyes. Long story.
"Yes?" Gulp.
"Think again, Mr. Weasley." She could have been a transfigurations teacher. She had McGonagall's 'you're already a toad, but I can turn you into something worse' voice.
"Yes, Mrs. Weasley."
"Oh shut up." A brief pause between sticking her tongue out and instantaneously wiping all severity from her face. "What you have to do is this, get your parents, your brothers, Ginny, and Snape all together in a room…"
-
Getting all the Weasleys (well, the ones that counted, anyway) into one room was no easy feet. It all had to happen very quickly, so as to avoid someone getting bored and wandering back out again, so they had to split up the workload.
The twins had to be convinced that Ron had a shy friend named Louisa that wanted to meet them in private.
Hermione had the pleasure of telling Charlie that they had procured another dragon's egg that needed to be brought back to Romania with him.
Harry, since he was such a sweet little boy, cajoled Mr. And Mrs. Weasley by asking them for advice on how to propose to Draco, which, yes, was secretly true, but.
Draco, having mysteriously befriended Bill at Ron's graduation party last year, managed to get him into the room by means unknown.
Ginny simply went where Hermione asked her to.
Severus, of course, had to be dragged.
-
"I know this charm - it'll make people want to keep playing a game or dancing or something until they agree to do something. It has to be something that they can do or want to do or, well, you get the idea." She stood and started pacing furiously, her thought process chugging along a few paces ahead of her voice.
"So… We make them do what, exactly? The electric slide? Isn't that just a bit - cruel?" Ron shuddered. Charlie's wedding had been enough dancing to last him a year. (He still had three more months left.)
"I was thinking of a game, like, like trivial pursuit or…"
-
"Twister!"
The charm had worked like one, and his entire family was taking off their shoes.
"The rules are, you all have to play until you work something out. You don't have to like each other or anything, but we have to have an understanding here! I'm going crazy!" Severus shot him a glare that could cut glass, but it was thwarted due to the fact that he was wearing pair of fluffy green socks.
"Just like a Weasley to choose a game where the only objective is not to fall on one's arse." His voice was pure venom, but still not enough to overcome his choice of footwear.
"Which is just the kind of attitude that got you here in the first place. Now." Flick. "Right hand blue." And everybody moved.
-
"Twister?"
"Yeah, it's this mat where there are these colored dots and-" Ron chose to stop her when she started charming chalk-drawings of the game in play mid-air. It was interesting to watch, yes, but some of the stick-figures were placing themselves highly inappropriate positions.
"I know what it is." And he did - his father was completely fascinated by Muggle board-games for reasons unknown to the common man.
"Oh. Sorry."
"But, why, Hermione. Why."
"Nobody resolves issues over Parcheesi. It just doesn't make sense." Ron found himself seriously confused by Hermione's logic, because somehow twister did.
-
"Left foot yellow."
"Listen, Severus, we really don't want to have such a bad relationship with you…"
Snort.
"It's just that-"
"Right foot green."
"Well, you see, Ron's just - he's our son, and we went to school with you. There's what, a 20 year difference? It's just a bit hard to adjust to."
"That, and you're a slimy git."
"George!"
"Right hand yellow."
"Sorry Mum."
"I understand perfectly, if I had had a son, well, no doubt I wouldn't want him to date me…"
"And we have very little reason to really trust you. It shows a good deal of character to spy for Dumbledore, but you had to be in a position to spy from in the first place…"
"Right foot yellow."
"Well, yes. I mean to say, that I'm, well, I'm sorry about that whole point in my life."
Desperately awkward silence.
"Left hand blue."
-
"What if it doesn't work? My family and Sev could be playing twister for all of eternity!" Which was that odd combination of really really damn funny and hideously scary with a pinch of very sad, to the tune of "Help!" by the Beatles.
"They'll work it out - how could they not? They all love you!" Hermione smiled a blinding smile, enhanced by a rigorous 'parents-are-dentists!' oral hygiene routine.
"Your plans scare me."
"You mentioned that." Hermione kept grinning, only pausing to whistle a few bars of some deliriously happy tune. Ron was practically quaking with fear. Severus had nothing on Hermione Granger(-Soon-To-Be)-Weasley as far as inspiring true gut-wrenching dread.
"I know. It's worth repeating."
Hermione just smiled.
"Often."
Absolutely nothing.
-
"I still say you're a slimy git, Snape."
"Fred!"
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"Right foot red."
"I don't think you're slimy."
"Thank you Ginny."
"I mean, Ron makes you wash your hair all the time and-"
"Thank you Ginny."
"I, well, for some reason I don't really dislike you all that much."
"Charlie? You turncoat!"
"George!"
"Well - I'm not the one who came close to failing Potions!"
"That was Fred."
"You're the same sodding person, and everyone knows it."
"Left foot green."
"I. Well, as long as Ron likes you."
"Thank you Bill. George, stop that."
"Stop what."
"Sticking out your tongue."
"You can't even see-"
"And don't roll your eyes at me, young man. I'm still your-"
"Left hand blue."
"It's got to be a spell."
"Nope. Sorry. Hermione's mother can do it too - and she's a Muggles. I've seen it."
"Thank you Ginny."
"You are a very strange group of people."
"Thank you Severus."
-
"You're just doing this because you think it's funny - aren't you." Hermione had the decency to look slightly guilty before her vehement denial.
"Of course not! Not that watching Snape play twister with the entire Weasley clan wouldn't be absolutely hilarious." At this point, she started staring blankly into space, around they area where the chalk-drawings had been, giggling every couple of seconds. She shook her head. "I'm doing this because he needs to find a way to be civil, at least, around your family."
"I appreciate your concern." Ron sighed, yet again, and threw his untouched coffee-cup into the Trash-Be-Gone (with automatic voice-recall - in case you threw away something important).
"Oh, now. Don't mention it. Honestly Ron, we should get back to work - we've been on break for half an hour!" Ron half-glared at her as she started clearing the giant table of all her hundred piles of papers.
"Listen, 'Mione, and mark my words. If this doesn't work, I'm telling Mum about all of your little plans. Except the one about - um - you know. Because she doesn't need to. Know that. That would be bad." Ron shook his head. "Anyway - this falls through? You're facing your someday-to-be mother-in-law's wrath." Hermione shuddered.
-
"Left hand green."
"Alright! Alright! We give!"
"George?"
"Yes, Fred, we give - we, we think you and Ron are-"
"No! Don't say it!"
"Cute together!"
Smirk.
"Oh?"
"No."
"Yes! Fred."
"Fine."
"Right foot yellow.'
"But - you know - if you ever -"
"Ever do anything to hurt him -"
"We swear to make your life a living hell -"
"For as long as you stay alive…"
"Left hand red."
"Well, that's good to know." The self-satisfied smile that appeared on Severus' face managed to last well into the next week.
-
It took about an hour to get everything out.
(Hermione diligently recorded the whole event, for posterity's sake alone. Cough.)
There was snarling, there was sniping, there was a lot of falling on one's arse, but - they'd made a truce. Severus was A-Ok with the Weasley crew, and they were A-Ok with him - and just about everyone was mad at Ron.
But, overall, it was more a 'lovable scamp' anger than a 'kill kill kill' kind of anger - so, he was most definitely getting laid tonight. And if Sev was wearing fluffy green socks - then he was probably wearing Ron's favorite pair of green underwear…
And once again, thanks to Hermione Granger's plans, everything was right with the world.
-
Ron sighed, rolling over in his big fluffy comfortable and suspiciously empty bed. Severus was up early, again. Contrary to normal behavior, Severus was usually least grouchy in the morning, and Ron liked to spend that time with him. Preferably in the big fluffy bed. However, Severus tended to wake early and spend time in the kitchen, brewing potions or cooking breakfast. Sometimes, he even made pancakes.
It still surprised him. It had been over a year, a year, and he still marveled at the little bizarre things he found out about Severus. The concept of Professor Snape making pancakes would have completely blown his mind his first year, and even the thought of Snape making normal non-poisoned pancakes for him would have sent him screaming into the night. But now, now things were different.
For one, having a ridiculous amount of sex with a person tends to change your perception of said person. Sometimes it even leads to liking that person, which can lead to non-sex-related things, which can, as it did in his case, lead to falling in love with said having-sex-with person. Which lead to a tiny cottage on the outskirts of Hogsmead, pancakes, and big fluffy unoccupied beds when Ron Weasley just wanted to snuggle.
However, you had to wake up very early in the morning to snuggle with Severus Snape, as not-very-many people could testify to, and Ron didn't wake up early unless he really really really had to. So, he settled for breakfast, and stumbled blearily into the kitchen.
School was out, so Severus was either extremely happy because he didn't have to go in to work that day, or extremely brassed off because he didn't have anyone besides Ron to pick on. Ron was hoping for happy, because brassed off usually lead to sex, and he had to get in to the office early today so he could get off early to go to... Anyway, he didn't have time for sex.
"Morning, luv."
"Morning." Severus replied, barely looking up from his Daily Prophet.
Least grouchy, yes, but also least verbal part of the day. Severus was the big strong silent type at the breakfast table. After coffee he usually morphed into the big strong uses-words-of-more-than-one-syllable type.
"Don't forget, Ginny's graduation party is tonight."
Severus merely looked up and quirked one eyebrow before carefully setting his coffee down on the table.
"At what time should I expect you home, then?" And the dance began.
"Come on Sev, can't you go? Just this once? I know you don't, uh, get along with my family, but…"
"Don't get along?" The eyebrow was back, bringing along it's partner in crime, the left side of Severus' upper lip. "Ron, they hate me. And I hate them. For plenty of perfectly valid reasons on both sides. Whenever I'm near them I have to forcibly restrain the desire to kill either them or myself."
"Oh, now, it's not as bad as all that, I'm sure…" Which earned him a smirk and a laugh.
"Ron. You'd be the only person there who doesn't despise me. Must I remind you that very few of your family members have expressed anything other than disapproval of you being here?"
The "I'm moving in with Professor Snape after graduation, because I'm madly in love with him and we've been seeing each other for 6 months behind your back" conversation had not gone over well, to say the least. But, it didn't matter. He was going to make everything work out for the best or bloody well die trying.
"Please, Severus! They're important to me, and whether or not anyone likes admitting it, so are you, damnit! Mum an' Dad will come around, you'll see. And it's for Ginny, and Ginny likes you so. Please?"
Ron's kicked-puppy-eyes were completely wasted on Severus, who simply shook his head slowly, avoiding eye contact.
"Oh, no you don't! I love you, and you're going, Professor. And that's, uh, that's final."
Ron stormed to the bedroom, the bathroom, back to the bedroom, the kitchen for a goodbye kiss, then off to work, huffing angrily all the while.
-
"Completely infuriatingly stubborn! I swear, one of these days I'm going to. Well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I guarantee it's not going to be pretty." Ron growled, banging his head against the wall.
"Ron…" Sighed.
"Oh no you don't Hermione, don't 'Ron' me. I should have slept with you, you like my family. You've never tried to kill my family…" Ron looked pleadingly at Hermione, who was busily sorting through some papers at the coffee table.
"I'm also a girl and a lesbian and dating your sister. One of us would have come to the conclusion that it was a bad idea in time for you to go through with my little plan…" Indecently innocent smirk. "Come on, you like him. You're in love with him. He just happens not to like your family. So what?"
"I don't know, it's just… I spent seventeen years with the freaks, he can at least spend a few hours with them..."
-
"Ron!" Aunt Florie, a spinsterly old witch and his father's sister Gwen's best friend. Practically family enough to leave hideous pink lipstick marks on both his cheeks and exclaim about what a handsome man he'd become. Not family enough to understand the death-glare emanating from his eerily-silent black-robed shadow. "And you are?"
"Severus Snape." Said in such a way that poor Florie suddenly had to bustle off to refresh her barely-touched glass of punch.
"Stop scaring the relatives. It's getting creepy." Ron poked Severus.
"You wouldn't have to worry about then if you'd let me stay behind, you know. I can hardly say any emotional trauma they sustain is my fault."
Ron heaved a world-weary sigh, kissed Severus on the cheek, then went back to check on Ginny and Hermione, who were busily unwrapping presents.
-
"And what's this about a plan?" Ron blinked at Hermione, who was trying to look engrossed in paperwork. "Hermione? Come on. What plan?"
"I, uh, you know, back at Hogwarts." A faint flush was starting to creep its way across her face.
"Yes, I know about Hogwarts. I went there, remember? That's how we met. What plan?"
"Well, you. You were kind of unhappy. And. Ginny mentioned how you, well, you were always talking about Professor Snape anyway. I figured out that you had a crush, of sorts, on him. Snape. So, I came up with the plan. To get you two together."
"You figured out that I… How? I didn't figure that out until. Until, well. How?" Ron gaped.
"Hey, I'm not the youngest Minister of Magic for no reason! You were always talking about him. You even said you liked his haircut once. I mean, it was obvious. You used to stare at him all the time, and swear I saw you write 'Ron Weasley-Snape' on a piece of parchment before you threw it into the fire. Deduction, my dear Weasley."
-
"Hey, isn't that cousin Jenny hitting on your boyfriend?" His tirade on proper etiquette when spending time with your loved one's loved ones was cut short. Ron spun abruptly on his heal and, sure enough, Jennifer April Weasley, Aunt Gwen's first child, was trying to chat up Severus "No Middle Name, I Don't Care If You Love Me I'm Not Telling Anyone" Snape.
Before Sir Ron, protector of not-at-all-innocents, could spring into action, Severus was saved by… Ron's mother, of all people. They actually seemed to be having a rational conversation as Ron wove his way back to them.
"…even Neville, bless his heart. It's you I worry the least about, actually. Ron could do worse."
Ron blinked.
"Mum?"
"Oh, hello dear. Severus and I were just having a little chat. Lovely party, isn't it? We're all so proud of little Ginny. Top of her class! I suspect much of it was Hermione's influence, but still - it's quite an accomplishment. " His mother kissed him on the forehead, winked, and disappeared into the crowd.
"Ron, I do believe I'm afraid of your mother."
"She has that affect on people, yes."
"Oh?"
"Hermione's said she's scared witless around her, which is saying a lot. Neville, well, Neville's scared of his own shadow, so he's not the best example, but - he's fainted because of her. I think it's the 'personally feed you to the dementors' speech, honestly." Ron smiled, wrapping his arm around Severus.
"Come to think of it, it did seemed to have a practiced quality to it. The five older siblings must contribute somewhat, I gather."
"Four, really. Fred and George are primarily one girl guys… Unless Mum gives them the same speech twice. Or she could vary the punishment scenario for either twin. Hurt George and you get the dementors. Hurt Fred and you get fed to Charlie's dragons, or something."
Ron was content, head on his - lover? partner? boyfriend? -'s shoulder, watching the disaster of the semi-annual A Weasley Graduates From Hogwarts party. Fred and George's had been spectacular - every five seconds someone burst into feathers or something exploded. His own had been a wreck - he'd been freaked out about Severus half the time and at Draco Malfoy's throat the rest. Ginny's was surprisingly calming, even with his other half scaring the bejesus out of half the guests.
-
"The whole thing was planned? Did Harry know? Harry knew! Why didn't you ever tell me? Bloody hell Hermione…" Ron paced, then came to an abrupt stop. "Even the whipped cream?"
"No, that was just a - bonus."
"I think I'm going to cry." Ron sat heavily across form Hermione, consciously not drinking his coffee.
"Ron, come one. It's not that bad. It's not bad at all! You're happy, I'm happy, hell, even Harry and Malfoy are happy! Everyone's happy!" Hermione sighed. She'd been doing it a lot lately. It was probably the presence of Weasleys wherever she went.
"I know that. I just. I dunno." It was probably cold by now anyway. His coffee. The was no reason to drink it anymore, really. He didn't even know why he bothered buying it. "When Severus ends up killing my entire family - save Ginny, probably - I'm going to tell the police that it was all the fault of Hermione Granger's plan."
"He's not going to try and kill your entire family…"
"He's told me himself that he's tried to kill Dad! More than once! Thank whoever he didn't do a very good job of it."
"Whomever."
"Whatever. Why couldn't you have set me up with a nice, normal boy? A Hufflepuff?" Hermione shook her head. "I just - I love him and all, but he's so."
Sigh.
"Listen, it's like - he's only ever happy when we're alone. Moment we're around other people he's back to being a complete arsewipe to just about everyone. I want him to be happy, but I don't want to spend every minute at home… I."
"You've said yourself that he's had a lot of things in his life to deal with. Give him time, I'm sure things will work out. They tend to, anyway." He was graced with the 'I mean this, Ron Weasley, don't think I don't because I do' look that usually heralded an end to their conversations.
"You'll see. He's coming to Ginny's party tonight. Rather, I'm dragging him along to Ginny's party tonight."
-
"I do believe I've been sucked into a dimension of hell."
"I only get that feeling when the drapes catch fire." And then they did. Burst into flames. The drapes. And Aunt Gwen, in her infinite wisdom and impatience put them out with the entire bowl of punch. Severus quirked an eyebrow at him, as if to say 'what did you expect?'
Which, sadly, was one of those expressions that made Ron want to shove him against a wall and - do things completely inappropriate for a family gathering. Which, most likely, was why Severus was making no attempt to stop. Which was how Ron ended up kissing him in a room stuffed to the gunnels with relatives. Which…
It was one of those really good 'bed-sex-now' kinds of kisses, ranked directly below the 'love-you-forever' kind, but still something that he really didn't want disrupted by Aunt Gwen fainting.
Sigh.
-
The 'I mean this Ron…' look fell to the wayside completely overshadowed by the giant light bulb in Hermione's eyes.
"No."
"Ron! No, listen, it's perfect…"
"Not another plan."
"But they work out so well!"
"No, no, no, no… Your plans scare me, seriously. I ended up having sex with a teacher because of your plans. Harry's practically married to his former arch-rival because of your plans. Your plans are evil, unnatural things that must never see the light of day and this is having no effect whatsoever on you, is it?"
"Nope."
"Fine, fine." Pause. Vaguely panic-stricken expression. "So. What's the plan?"
-
"Oh my." Was all his mother said as she whipped out the magical smelling salts and brought Gwen back to consciousness. "I wasn't expecting this until Christmas. Almost makes me feel like I can't predict you boys anymore." She patted Ron on the head before patting Severus on the shoulder, and returning to patting Aunt Gwen on the cheek.
Ron just managed to stop a forming 'what did you expect' face with a 'please burst into flames now' glare, patent pending. He sighed, again. He'd been doing that a lot lately.
With a quick glance back at his lover he figured that now was as good a time as any to implement Hermione's "Plan of Doom."
-
"It's all rather simple. You hardly have to lift a finger - except for some light spell-casting, and I'll help you with that. What? You thought you were going this one alone?" Ron winced at Hermione's 'don't fuck with the rooster!' eyes. Long story.
"Yes?" Gulp.
"Think again, Mr. Weasley." She could have been a transfigurations teacher. She had McGonagall's 'you're already a toad, but I can turn you into something worse' voice.
"Yes, Mrs. Weasley."
"Oh shut up." A brief pause between sticking her tongue out and instantaneously wiping all severity from her face. "What you have to do is this, get your parents, your brothers, Ginny, and Snape all together in a room…"
-
Getting all the Weasleys (well, the ones that counted, anyway) into one room was no easy feet. It all had to happen very quickly, so as to avoid someone getting bored and wandering back out again, so they had to split up the workload.
The twins had to be convinced that Ron had a shy friend named Louisa that wanted to meet them in private.
Hermione had the pleasure of telling Charlie that they had procured another dragon's egg that needed to be brought back to Romania with him.
Harry, since he was such a sweet little boy, cajoled Mr. And Mrs. Weasley by asking them for advice on how to propose to Draco, which, yes, was secretly true, but.
Draco, having mysteriously befriended Bill at Ron's graduation party last year, managed to get him into the room by means unknown.
Ginny simply went where Hermione asked her to.
Severus, of course, had to be dragged.
-
"I know this charm - it'll make people want to keep playing a game or dancing or something until they agree to do something. It has to be something that they can do or want to do or, well, you get the idea." She stood and started pacing furiously, her thought process chugging along a few paces ahead of her voice.
"So… We make them do what, exactly? The electric slide? Isn't that just a bit - cruel?" Ron shuddered. Charlie's wedding had been enough dancing to last him a year. (He still had three more months left.)
"I was thinking of a game, like, like trivial pursuit or…"
-
"Twister!"
The charm had worked like one, and his entire family was taking off their shoes.
"The rules are, you all have to play until you work something out. You don't have to like each other or anything, but we have to have an understanding here! I'm going crazy!" Severus shot him a glare that could cut glass, but it was thwarted due to the fact that he was wearing pair of fluffy green socks.
"Just like a Weasley to choose a game where the only objective is not to fall on one's arse." His voice was pure venom, but still not enough to overcome his choice of footwear.
"Which is just the kind of attitude that got you here in the first place. Now." Flick. "Right hand blue." And everybody moved.
-
"Twister?"
"Yeah, it's this mat where there are these colored dots and-" Ron chose to stop her when she started charming chalk-drawings of the game in play mid-air. It was interesting to watch, yes, but some of the stick-figures were placing themselves highly inappropriate positions.
"I know what it is." And he did - his father was completely fascinated by Muggle board-games for reasons unknown to the common man.
"Oh. Sorry."
"But, why, Hermione. Why."
"Nobody resolves issues over Parcheesi. It just doesn't make sense." Ron found himself seriously confused by Hermione's logic, because somehow twister did.
-
"Left foot yellow."
"Listen, Severus, we really don't want to have such a bad relationship with you…"
Snort.
"It's just that-"
"Right foot green."
"Well, you see, Ron's just - he's our son, and we went to school with you. There's what, a 20 year difference? It's just a bit hard to adjust to."
"That, and you're a slimy git."
"George!"
"Right hand yellow."
"Sorry Mum."
"I understand perfectly, if I had had a son, well, no doubt I wouldn't want him to date me…"
"And we have very little reason to really trust you. It shows a good deal of character to spy for Dumbledore, but you had to be in a position to spy from in the first place…"
"Right foot yellow."
"Well, yes. I mean to say, that I'm, well, I'm sorry about that whole point in my life."
Desperately awkward silence.
"Left hand blue."
-
"What if it doesn't work? My family and Sev could be playing twister for all of eternity!" Which was that odd combination of really really damn funny and hideously scary with a pinch of very sad, to the tune of "Help!" by the Beatles.
"They'll work it out - how could they not? They all love you!" Hermione smiled a blinding smile, enhanced by a rigorous 'parents-are-dentists!' oral hygiene routine.
"Your plans scare me."
"You mentioned that." Hermione kept grinning, only pausing to whistle a few bars of some deliriously happy tune. Ron was practically quaking with fear. Severus had nothing on Hermione Granger(-Soon-To-Be)-Weasley as far as inspiring true gut-wrenching dread.
"I know. It's worth repeating."
Hermione just smiled.
"Often."
Absolutely nothing.
-
"I still say you're a slimy git, Snape."
"Fred!"
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"Right foot red."
"I don't think you're slimy."
"Thank you Ginny."
"I mean, Ron makes you wash your hair all the time and-"
"Thank you Ginny."
"I, well, for some reason I don't really dislike you all that much."
"Charlie? You turncoat!"
"George!"
"Well - I'm not the one who came close to failing Potions!"
"That was Fred."
"You're the same sodding person, and everyone knows it."
"Left foot green."
"I. Well, as long as Ron likes you."
"Thank you Bill. George, stop that."
"Stop what."
"Sticking out your tongue."
"You can't even see-"
"And don't roll your eyes at me, young man. I'm still your-"
"Left hand blue."
"It's got to be a spell."
"Nope. Sorry. Hermione's mother can do it too - and she's a Muggles. I've seen it."
"Thank you Ginny."
"You are a very strange group of people."
"Thank you Severus."
-
"You're just doing this because you think it's funny - aren't you." Hermione had the decency to look slightly guilty before her vehement denial.
"Of course not! Not that watching Snape play twister with the entire Weasley clan wouldn't be absolutely hilarious." At this point, she started staring blankly into space, around they area where the chalk-drawings had been, giggling every couple of seconds. She shook her head. "I'm doing this because he needs to find a way to be civil, at least, around your family."
"I appreciate your concern." Ron sighed, yet again, and threw his untouched coffee-cup into the Trash-Be-Gone (with automatic voice-recall - in case you threw away something important).
"Oh, now. Don't mention it. Honestly Ron, we should get back to work - we've been on break for half an hour!" Ron half-glared at her as she started clearing the giant table of all her hundred piles of papers.
"Listen, 'Mione, and mark my words. If this doesn't work, I'm telling Mum about all of your little plans. Except the one about - um - you know. Because she doesn't need to. Know that. That would be bad." Ron shook his head. "Anyway - this falls through? You're facing your someday-to-be mother-in-law's wrath." Hermione shuddered.
-
"Left hand green."
"Alright! Alright! We give!"
"George?"
"Yes, Fred, we give - we, we think you and Ron are-"
"No! Don't say it!"
"Cute together!"
Smirk.
"Oh?"
"No."
"Yes! Fred."
"Fine."
"Right foot yellow.'
"But - you know - if you ever -"
"Ever do anything to hurt him -"
"We swear to make your life a living hell -"
"For as long as you stay alive…"
"Left hand red."
"Well, that's good to know." The self-satisfied smile that appeared on Severus' face managed to last well into the next week.
-
It took about an hour to get everything out.
(Hermione diligently recorded the whole event, for posterity's sake alone. Cough.)
There was snarling, there was sniping, there was a lot of falling on one's arse, but - they'd made a truce. Severus was A-Ok with the Weasley crew, and they were A-Ok with him - and just about everyone was mad at Ron.
But, overall, it was more a 'lovable scamp' anger than a 'kill kill kill' kind of anger - so, he was most definitely getting laid tonight. And if Sev was wearing fluffy green socks - then he was probably wearing Ron's favorite pair of green underwear…
And once again, thanks to Hermione Granger's plans, everything was right with the world.