Whatever Happened to Canon?
by A. Smithee
Disclaimer: I'm not that good a writer. You think I could come up with characters like these? No. They are the property of J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., etc.
Author's Note: This is the unofficial sequel to "Chainsmoking Harry" by B Bennett. Check her story out at Sugarquill.net.
Scene One
The Three Broomsticks
(Bill and Charlie are extremely inebriated; Ron and Hermione are fooling around in a corner; Harry is jealous and chain-smoking; Ginny is also drunk and has picked up the habit from her new boyfriend.)
Bill: Oy, pass me another free beer, Chaz! It's free!
Charlie "Chaz": (in a drunken slur) No I won't, you prat! If you drink too much you'll wet yer loincloth … again! (He bursts into laughter at the memory.)
Bill: Just like you just did! (Bill also laughs, slightly hacking and spitting. Presently he passes out, and Charlie quickly follows suit.)
Ginny: I just can't believe Tom did that to me. (Sobbing) He – he …
Harry: Yeah, I really know what ya mean. Wanna go make out? (Ginny stares.) What? It's only a harmless suggestion. I can show you what love is, babe.
Ginny: (under her breath) Cursed KBTT.
Hermione: Oh, Ron! Do it again!
Ron: Um, I didn't do anything.
Hermione: Oh – well in that case, do something!
Ron: (under his breath) Maybe I should have gone with Harry after all.…
(Harry races over at these words.)
Harry: You really mean that, Ron?!
Chaz: (slightly groggily) Of course he means it! Don't ya, Ickle Ronniekins?
Ron: No.
Harry: Aw, shucks. (Chaz passes out again. Harry lights a cigarette and looks around.) Maybe that tree would make out with me if I asked it nicely.
(All stare at Harry.)
Hermione: What are you smoking, Harry?
Harry: I don't really know. A guy sold it to me out back a couple minutes ago.
Hermione: Oh…. Can I have some? (She lights up. Presently, both Harry and Hermione's eyes are bloodshot and they are arguing about things that Ron doesn't quite follow.)
Harry: I can't believe you like the Backstreet Boys. Everything they do is so perfectly choreographed, including the way they have sex with each other after the shows! (pauses) Actually, that Howie guy is pretty hot….
Hermione: Shut up! Howie's mine! You always want everything that I have: Ron, Howie, Victoria's Secret lingerie, Crookshanks …
Harry: (pouts) I never wanted Crookshanks!
Ron: That's it! (He gets up.) You two have to stop smoking!
Harry: (sullenly) Oh, yeah? Who cares if I don't stop? Who cares if I end up in a gutter in thirty years, drunk and stoned and –
Ron: Don't say that, Harry. I – we care about you.
Hermione: Well, isn't that something?! My best friend fools around with me for a minute, only to be picked up by my other best friend! (She steals another "cigarette" from Harry and puffs furiously.)
Ron: Don't say that, Harry – uh, Hermione. I, uh, I love you. I think?
Harry: What is love, anyway? (He breaks out into a horrible rendition of "Where is Love?")
(Ron concentrates, trying to think of a way to get both his friends off the "cigarettes." He is starting to believe that they are not innocent little sticks of tobacco and paper.)
Harry: "Whe-e-e-e-ere is loooove?"
Hermione: Shut up. I don't like that song, you prat! (She giggles) Prat. Prat! Puh-ratt! That's a funny word.
(Harry stops singing and looks pleased.)
Harry: I knew I could always make you smile. Vladimir –
Ron and Hermione: Who?
Harry: – The guy who sold me the pot –
Ron: Aha! They're not cigarettes after all!
Harry: Shut up. (To Hermione) Vladimir has a shed out back – that's where his stash is. Want me to make you really high?
(From across the room) Ginny: You cheating, lying bastard!
Madame Rosmerta: Hey! Ginny isn't supposed to know that kind of language. Whatever happened to canon?
Ron: Uh, have you been paying attention at all to the last ten minutes?
Hermione: (To Harry) Sure, what the Hell. (She giggles.) Wow, I just swore. You really get me out of my head, Harry Potter. (She takes his hand and they head out back.)
(However, Ron figures out this isn't going his way.)
Ron: Wait! Hermione, you're my girlfriend!
Hermione: Like … like Hell you are!
Harry: (à la Nelson from The Simpsons) Ha-ha! I knew she liked me better!
(Harry and Hermione walk off to Vladimir's shed, not seeing the tears running down Ron's face. He thinks for a minute.)
Ron: Uh, Ginny? I know you're my sister, and I could be arrested for incest and all, but –
Ginny: No chance, Mister.
(Ron pouts again. Lavender pops up from behind the tree Harry wanted to make out with.)
Lavender: (Giggling) Hi, Ron! I always thought you were kinda cute. Are you desperate enough yet? I haven't lost my virginity! (She crosses her fingers behind her back.)
Ron: I think I'm safer with that tree, thanks.
(Lavender looks disappointed and angrily stalks back to behind her tree.)