Scene Two

Five minutes later

(Harry and Hermione walk back into the Three Broomsticks, stepping over Bill and Chaz who are passed out on the floor.)

Hermione: Harry, no offense but once I got off that high I realized you're … well, let's just say you're not extremely skilled.  I'm sorry, but it's not going to work out between you and me.  I'm going back to Ron.

Harry: But – but I want him!  (He thinks quickly.) What do you say to a three-way?

Hermione: (considers this for a moment) Umm … no.  Sorry Harry, but only one of us can have Ron.  Preferably me.

Harry: (angrily) There's only one way to settle this, Hermione. 

Hermione: (scathingly) And what, pray tell, would that be?

Harry:  Hermione Granger, I challenge you to a duel!

(At these words, the entire pub falls silent.)

Madame Rosmerta:  Not another one.  Who are they fighting over this time?

Hermione: If you must know— (Ron stumbles in, his mouth full of bark and twigs.)

Harry: Ron!

Ron: (spits out twigs) What'd I miss?

Bill: (giggling) They're dueling.  (Bill passes out again.)

Ron: Over wh—oh no, not me!  I'm flattered … I think …

(Harry and Hermione stumble to opposite ends of the pub.  Apparently, the pot hasn't worn off.  Sensing this, Ron decides to take their wands from them before they have a chance to protest; Ron is flattered by the attention but doesn't want one of his friends to go to Azkaban for murder and the other to be … dead.)

Hermione: (as Ron snatches her wand) Hey!  What are you doing?

Ron: I can't allow you two to duel over me with real weapons.

Hermione: Well, smart one, if we don't have our wands I can't mortally wound and humiliate Harry!  What weapon am I supposed to use?

(Ron glances around the pub.  He sees broken liquor bottles, the sword collection, and two goblins.  He quickly vetoes all options.  Panicking, he spots Bill and Chaz, sprawled unconscious on the floor.  Presently the two older Weasleys are stripped of their slightly yellowed loincloths.  Harry and Hermione accept their weapons grudgingly.)

Hermione: (looking over at Bill and Chaz) Urgh!  I really didn't need to see that!

Harry: Actually, I find it strangely attractive.

Hermione: You would.

Harry: Oh, yeah?  Well, at least I don't kiss my Gilderoy Lockhart poster every night before I go to slee–

Hermione: Shut up!

Ron: You're still in love with Lockhart?!  How could you, Hermione?

Hermione: No!  I mean … that is … I hate you, Harry!…  Wait a minute.  How do you know I kiss my Lockhart poster?

Harry: (grinning) I snuck into your dorm room last week.

Hermione: What?!  You bastard!

Harry: You know, I've been getting that a lot lately.

Bill: (slightly slurred) Will you two just shut up and start dueling?  I've got a bet going with Chaz here.  Wagers don't just settle themselves, you know!

Chaz: (also slurred) Yeah!  Hey, why am I naked?

Bill: (looks down) I'm naked too, bro!  They must not have been able to resist our sexy charms and –

Ginny: Okay, okay!  Let's not go making any wild accusations.

Ron: Will you two (gestures to Bill and Chaz) shut up, and will you two (gestures to Harry and Hermione) just get this duel over wi– Ow!

(He is cut off by a small rock smashing into his forehead.  While Bill and Chaz were rambling, Hermione apparently snuck outside, picked up a few stones, and she is now using her loincloth as a slingshot.)

Hermione: Duel's started.