Whatever Happened to Canon?
Chapter Three
Scene Three
One second later
(Ron furiously massages his forehead where the rock hit him.)
Ron: Hermione, what in bloody Hell was that for? The duel's for me, not with me!
Hermione: I have bad aim, okay? (She picks up another rock and positions it in her loincloth.)
Harry: Damn, why didn't I think of that? Now I'll have to find something to do with my loincloth that's even more outrageous than flinging rocks with it! (to all) Hey, what's something I could do with this loincloth?
(Everyone stares.)
Ginny: Harry, for a perverted bastard you're pretty dense.
Harry: (smacks head) Of course! I am dense! Why didn't I think of this before?
(Everyone gasps as Harry quickly strips off his jeans. Everyone gasps again when they realize Harry must really, really admire commandos. Harry quickly puts on the loincloth and takes his belt out of his beltloops.)
Harry: Now I've got a whip! (he conjures a cowboy hat) Look at me! I'm Indiana Jones!
Everyone who has heard of Indiana Jones: What the –?
Ron: Who's Indiana Jones?
Harry and Hermione: (to Ron) Shut up.
Hermione: (scathingly) That's it? Bring it on! Have at you, fiend!
(Hermione continues to shout random phrases that everyone manages to tune out. Meanwhile, Harry and Hermione start to circle around Bill and Chaz's bodies.)
Harry: You know, all you had to do was admit that Ron doesn't love you. If you truly loved me, you would have let me be with Ron!
Ron: Er … I don't think Hermione loves you, Harry. No offense.
Hermione: (impatiently) Less yakking, more cracking.
Harry: I can tell you're into S & M. Well – if that's the way you like it –
(Harry charges. He leaps over Bill and Chaz and lands, unsteadily, right in front of Hermione. Hermione desperately gropes for a rock to hurl and Harry unsuccessfully tries to whip Hermione; he does not realize that the "whip" is caught on Bill.)
Hermione: Die, you stupid bastard!
Harry: Fuck you!
Hermione: I'd rather not. I'd rather screw – Ron? What are you doing?
(Harry stops struggling with his belt and Hermione drops her loincloth. Everyone in the pub looks over at Ron, who is standing next to a large Russian man.)
Harry: Ron, why are you and – and –
Ron: (strongly) Do you mean my new partner Vladimir?
Everyone in the room: Gasp!
Ron: Yes, Vladimir. Harry and Hermione, your pointless bickering has disrupted this whole pub. If I actually chose one of you, what would you do then? (sadly) Come on, you're my best mates.
(Harry giggles. Ron doesn't hear him.)
Ron: I mean, how could I face manhood, knowing that I had caused one of you to come onto hard things?
(Harry giggles harder.)
Ron: So … I choose Vladimir. I don't choose Harry, or Hermione, or Howie from the Backstreet Boys, or Pikachu. Vladimir is the one I want to be with. And with that … I bid you adieu.
(Ron leaps into Vladimir's arms. They walk out of the now-silent pub.)
Harry: (wondering) How on Earth could Ron have known what a Pikachu is?
Hermione: Harry, you're really missing the point here. Look – I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry we both destroyed all of our friendships over a boy. Let's never do it again.
Harry: I'm sorry too, Hermione. (Hermione smiles.) Sorry that you can't hurl a rock to save your lovelife!
Hermione: Why you – AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHH!
(And so, Harry is chased out of the Three Broomsticks by Hermione. They are never seen again. Ginny Weasley becomes a nun – she was eager to find something that completely prohibited romance in any form. Bill and Chaz died of alcohol poisoning in St. Mungo's. Lavender picked up the habit of making out with trees. And Madame Rosmerta continues to tell the story of the time when romance completely destroyed her pub – for a fee of undisclosed doings.)
The End.