Chapter 3
Revelations
The Baroness Schraeder never considered herself maternal. Frankly, she avoided the company of children whenever she could. She didn't detest them; she just felt as if she had nothing to say to them. How could a child appreciate the finer art of Viennese high life?
But she had to shake that personal dogma. She earnestly wanted to like Georg's children and vice versa. It would be good for everyone, she told herself.
It was with this determination that she suggested to the von Trapp children that they engage in some sort of game. They looked like they wanted some activity, and she wanted to prove she was as energetic, albeit not as enthusiastic, as their former governess.
They looked at her with doubt and remained silent. Damn, why couldn't they work with me? She asked herself.
Liesl broke the awkward pause. "Why," she stammered, "that would be fun, right?" She looked around at her brothers and sisters, trying to make things easier.
They nodded silently.
Elsa fixed her smile. "What do you want to play? Something outdoors perhaps? It is a beautiful day."
The ushered outside and proceeded for about an hour of personal torture for Elsa. They had formed a circle and were throwing the ball at each other, saying only numbers they had assigned to themselves. Elsa was convinced they were throwing the ball at her face on purpose. She tried to make light of her misery, joking at her obvious lack of coordination. They didn't seem amused.
Finally, she had had enough and begged to leave to cool off. For some reason, the morning light had become unbaringly hot. They didn't object, and they quickly went in separate directions.
When Elsa had made it to the sanctuary of the veranda, under the tarp, she looked at her watch. She was dismayed to see only fifteen minutes had gone by. If she couldn't even handle fifteen minutes with these children, how on earth could she possibly stand a lifetime? How had Maria done it?
Georg watched the scene from above, careful to be unnoticed. He couldn't help a smile cross his lips at the sight of the sophisticated Baroness Schraeder playing ball with seven children.
The smile gave way to a frown. He had planned to ask Elsa to marry him. That was at the beginning of the summer, before Maria had come into their lives and everything changed. During the precious weeks they had together, the nine of them (ten, counting Max) had grown accustomed to the happy, family life with the young woman who was at first like a child herself. She always struck him as an innocent, a girl practically. That opinion never wavered, until that one night. The children had gone to bed, and Elsa and Max had claimed fatigue as well…
He wanted to enjoy the warm night and went out towards the gazebo. He was surprised to see her. No, not see. He heard her first. She was singing, to herself. He had never heard her sing like that before. He had been so used to hearing her sing with the children, simple songs that were happy. The song she had chosen for herself was quiet, melancholy, and mystifying. He just stopped, about twenty feet from her, mesmerized by the lines of her back and the angelic quality of her voice.
How come he had never noticed how beautiful she was?
As if sensing someone near, she stopped and quickly turned around. Even in the pale moonlight, and from the distance, he noticed her blush.
"I'm terribly sorry, Fraulein," he laughed sheepishly at being caught. "I didn't know I wasn't the only one who wanted to enjoy the night." He walked quickly to her, and she nervously stepped back and looked down.
"I hope it was alright for me to be out here alone, Captain," she said softly. "I just had to be a part of this night. It's so lovely."
"Lovely," he repeated, still a bit stupefied. She blushed again and looked away. "Fraulein, you have a beautiful voice."
If anything, her cheeks got redder. "It is a gift from God."
He nodded, smiling at her honest modesty. "You use it well. Thank you for sharing."
For a moment, they simply stared at each other, enjoying the sudden easy company…
The bright sun broke the memory. He watched his children near the lake, laughing and continuing to throw the ball around, not letting the fiasco with the Baroness get them down.
They could never love her like they loved Maria. The fact was as plain as day, and he would be a fool to try to convince them otherwise, even over the passage of time. The weeks between his return with the Baroness and the party were the happiest of his life, and it didn't alarm him that Elsa had nothing to do with it.
Just as his children could never love Elsa, neither could he. It was dishonest to both of them, and utterly unfair to Elsa.
"Has she spoken yet?" Mother Superior urged her companion. "Has she said anything?"
Sister Margaretta shook her head. "She doesn't say a word, Mother, except in prayer. She seems happy to be back, and yet she's unhappy too."
The mistress of Nonnberg Abbey looked towards the guest quarters, concerned. She had not anticipated Maria's return to them under such circumstances. She had to admit to herself, she had not anticipated Maria's return at all.
"Poor child," she murmured. "Perhaps I was wrong to send her away from us."
"You thought it was for her own good," Sister Margaretta reminded her. "You felt that convent life was not for her."
The other nodded. "I still feel that way. I just pray that nothing bad has happened. I've never seen her, even at her most solemn, to be so despondent and quiet. She's like a different person."
The younger nun sighed at looked to the sky. "I've been praying for some clarity. I want to help her. She doesn't act as if she's been abused, but you're right. She simply isn't acting like our Maria."
Mother Superior let a small smile escape. I don't think she was ever meant to be Our Maria, she thought. She had to get to the bottom of this. "I think it's time you brought her to me, even if she is not yet ready."
"Do you think it's wise, Mother?"
The elder nun shrugged slightly, and she, too, looked heavenward for enlightenment. "I do not know, but I have confidence that God will help us all."
"Darling!" Elsa exclaimed as she walked out onto the veranda to Georg. "I was looking all over for you."
Georg turned to face her, and she tried not to notice the somber expression he had on his face. He had that expression ever since the ball, and she was starting to feel guilty. She didn't regret her actions, and she had anticipated Georg not being happy for a few days. She had not thought, however, that his mood would last for two weeks with no immediate sign of changing.
She decided to be blunt, but naïve. "Georg, dear," she purred. "You've been moping around for weeks now. Isn't there something I can do to cheer you up?"
He smiled, a little sheepish. "I'm sorry, Elsa, I have been a terrible host."
She didn't deny it, playing the victim for as long as she could. She tried not to focus on the fact that he didn't return a term of endearment. "Let's get away, dear. Let's take a ride into town and see a concert or something. Think of how much fun that would be! We should take advantage of this country warmth!"
Elsa moved closer and took his hands. "Wouldn't that be lovely?"
She was inwardly thrilled when he squeezed her hands gently. But his smile didn't reach his eyes. "That would be nice, Elsa, but I cannot leave the children. They're still upset about Fraulein Maria leaving."
Elsa sighed in annoyance, forgetting to keep the light façade. "Children are stronger than you think, Georg. You told me that many times over the months. Where are they now?"
Georg looked out at the lake. "I think they went berry picking. At least that's what they told me."
"See?" she gestured broadly with her arms. "They're over Fraulein Maria. Please, Georg, let's go into town."
"No, Elsa," he insisted, backing away. He looked at her intently. "They're not 'over' her. I don't think they will ever be."
"Georg, she was just a governess, some one you could easily -"
"She is not just a governess," he snapped. "She is much more important to me than that."
"You, Darling?" she asked sadly.
Her observation silenced him. Gazing out at the lake, he knew that he had to finally take action. He looked at her again.
"Elsa, I don't think this is going to work."
"You've been unhappy, child," Mother Superior sighed as Maria knelt to kiss her hand. She gestured for Sister Margaretta to leave. "I'm sorry."
"Reverend Mother," Maria said quietly.
"Sit down, Maria," the head nun instructed. "Tell me what happened."
Maria obeyed the command to sit, but looked uneasy to speak of what had happened. She was so terribly frightened that Mother Superior would be angry with her for not following her duties. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
"Don't be afraid," Mother Superior coaxed gently. "Please, tell me why they sent you away."
Maria shook her head. "They didn't send me away, Mother, I left."
The other looked puzzled. "Why?"
"Well, I," Maria stammered. "I was frightened."
"Frightened!? Were they unkind to you?" the Reverend Mother gasped and walked quickly over to her.
"Oh no!" Maria quickly admonished, not wanting to give a false impression. "No, they were wonderful. But I was confused, I felt… I never felt that way before. I had to get away. I knew here I'd be away from it. I'd be safe."
"Maria," Mother Superior said firmly, but gently. "These walls were not meant to shut out problems. What is it you can't face?"
"Him," Maria whispered and then looked away as she spoke louder, finally voicing her fears and desires. "I can't face him again."
"Him?" The Reverend Mother had not expected this turn. She stood there in silence, soaking in the revelation. So that explains it, she thought. That's where God wants this child to go. "Captain von Trapp?"
Maria could only stare forward, not daring to glance at Mother Superior. The elder woman did notice, however, some spark return to the girl's face at the mention of the Captain.
"Are you in love with him?"
"I don't know!" Maria cried, feeling the terrifyingly wonderful emotions start to overcome her again. She jumped out of her seat at practically ran to the far wall. "I don't know! The Baroness said I was. She said that he was in love with me, but I didn't want to believe it."
She whirled around again, seeing the kind understanding in the Reverend Mother's eyes. Maybe she wasn't mad at her after all. Maybe God wasn't either…
"Oh, there were times when we would look at each other," she started, a whimsical smile forming on her face. "Oh, Mother, I could hardly breathe."
"Did you let him see how you felt?"
The panic returned. "If I did, I didn't know it. That's what's been torturing me! I was there on God's errands. To have asked for his love would have been wrong. I couldn't stay I just couldn't." She turned around again, facing a crucifix, trying to find what God was telling her to do.
"I'm ready at this moment to take my vows," she confessed. "Please help me."
The Reverend Mother remained silent for a little while. Maria felt as if hours past by as she just stood there, facing God and waiting for something, anything, to show her that she was making the right decision.
"Maria, my dear," the voice finally came quietly. "Tell me something."
Maria turned again to face Mother Superior, and wiped the tears from her face. The other walked to her slowly, a kind smile on her lips. She put her hands on Maria's shoulders.
"Tell me," she repeated, "in your deepest heart, where do you think you'll be happiest?"
Maria's immediate reflex to answer was there, at the abbey with Reverend Mother, and the only life she had known. But something in Mother's face told her to think about it for a moment.
"It's one of the hardest things to do, isn't it?" Mother stated before Maria could answer. "To place your trust so completely in God."
"But I've pledged my life to God. I've placed my life to his service," Maria insisted, feeling that she was trying to convince herself, rather than the Reverend Mother.
"My daughter, if you love this man, it doesn't mean you love God less."
"But I don't know what he'll do," Maria rationalized. "I've been told he has been planning to marry the Baroness."
"Maria," the elder woman stated, a faint memory gracing her face for a moment. "You will never know God's plan if you keep closing the doors. You must take chances. These walls were not meant to shut out life's problems. You have to face them."
"Oh, please, Mother!" Maria cried, knowing where this was going. "Please don't send me back! Please! I beg you!"
"Maria. That decision is yours to make. You are welcome here with your sisters. You have a home here, if you like" Mother Superior stated slowly. "However, I must insist that you pray about this. Whatever you decide will be for the rest of your life. So I must ask you again, my child. Where do you think you'll be happiest?"