Title: A Sweet Blossoming
Author: Yih
Written: August 2001/ December 2001
Disclaimer: All rights of characters are exclusively Clamp.
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2: Nothing Under the Sun
The darkness hurt his eyes. Another gloomy day turned into a miserable night. He had tried not to mope after Sakura's rejection of his affection, but it was hard not to feel dejected. All his hopes, all his dreams had been in some way threaded with his fantasy of her. Now that it was a path shut off to him, decided for him again much like the Judgment had been decided for him. He wasn't even given the chance to try and change what would be. It was to be what it was to be, whether he liked it or not. And Yue was bitter, eaten up inside by this continuous cycle of what's chosen for him.
If only…
If only he had been kinder in the beginning, maybe then he could have used the crush she had on Yukito for his own gain. In truth, that would have been the cleverest thing—the trickiest thing he might have pulled to make Sakura feel what he felt for her. But that was then, when he was still caught up in the maelstrom of emotions for Clow Reed. It was true, he did love his former Master in ways he perhaps would never fully understand, but it wasn't that burning desire he felt for Sakura. Rather it seemed almost parental, and that made the most sense because Clow Reed in essence had been his creator and father. Yet he hadn't realized his affection, the root of his love for her until it was too late.
If only he had shone more personality than a rock, if he dazzled her like Yukito had done. If only he had reacted sooner than this. But would that have really changed anything? He sighed painfully, as if every breath living with this huge disappointment weighed upon his fragile soul in a detrimental way. It was all he could do to draw that oxygen into his lungs so that he might live one second longer in a barren world without any dreams any longer.
"Why?" he whispered to himself, a voice so softly echoed into the dead of night that the silence after that disturbance of peace was eerie and uncanny. But he didn't feel like he was going to be able to keep all these feelings, these suppression in his soul anymore. He had to release them somehow—in a way he wasn't entirely comfortable with. Yet how could he ever be content when he was so utterly desolated now? He had took the chance and lost the prize. The prize—the love of his life, Sakura.
"Why?" he uttered this time louder, breaking up the quietness. "Why?!" he nearly shouted. "Why!" he screamed as loud as he could. "Why does this always have to happen to me? Why am I always the one left alone? Why am I the one that is continuously rejected? Why—why—why me? Why not him? Why does it have to be the one that feels truly for her as I do? He doesn't love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. But why doesn't she love me?
"She loves him more than I can bare because the pain is so visible upon her face—since he's gone away. But why does it have to happen to her when I'm here for her? Why can't she love me as she loves him? Is it because my life is meant only to serve and not to feel? Than why do I feel this pain in my heart when I see how hurt she is? Why can't it be like before when I was hurting her, trying to make her fail the Judgment for you, Clow? Why can't it be like that again?
"Wasn't leaving me alone here enough, Clow? Wasn't leaving me here by myself when you knew I wanted to go with you, not enough? Why must you make me so weak inside? Why did you give me these human feelings? Why did you give me the capability to love you and to love Sakura? Why can't I be just thing that can be wielded like the cards? Why must I be able to think and feel and be and know and see and hear and—to feel—oh to feel such burning pain when she's in pain… oh to feel such agony watching her love someone else? To watch her actually reject me in front of my face…"
The images from the past haunting him as he stood on the edge of the ledge, a balance so fragile it could be broken by the faintest of movements. Just one wrong step or move would bring utter disaster, but he knew this edge well. He came here often, not to rant but to just be. It wasn't often that he even uttered a word. He usually just came here to be alone and to allow all his thoughts to overwhelm himself of her. But tonight was different, he had her answer now and nothing he could do would change anything anymore. It was final. It was done. There was nothing he could do or say.
She didn't love him, and she never would.
"I can't stand this anymore."
And so he took that deadly step, allowing himself to fall a plunging 100 stories to his fateful doom. He didn't even try to open his wings because he wanted the full impact of gravity to crunch his bones and decimate his body. What was this existence anymore without her? What was this trying to go on? It was nothing. It was better not to be. He bit his lip for a second as the rush of the cool night's air tickled his feathered wings, itching him for the moment he would release himself from this dangerous situation. But he wouldn't allow himself to give him. He closed his eyes and swept his mind into himself.
He wanted this end.
He needed this end.
The force of gravity pulling him closer and closer to terminal velocity, the gathering speed rushing around him as his body accelerated at a dizzying rate. And all he could think about was Sakura. Sakura's enchanting eyes. Sakura's luscious lips. Sakura's cheerful cheeks. Sakura's wonderful ways. Sakura's funny fears. Sakura's sweet smile. Sakura's tempting tenderness. Sakura's saintly soul.
It was her soul that he loved more than anything. That she would hold out her hand after he had spent himself trying to defeat her, to end all the glorious memories she had capturing the cards. He didn't care then; he didn't care at all. But he did now, if that mattered any to the fates. It was her soul that made him ache inside thinking of that horrible time. It lingered within him, that want inside to change things. More than anything he wanted… he needed.. he should have shown himself to her the moment he met her. He definitely should have re-enforced that growing affection that she had for Yukito.
He was the one that controlled Yukito if he had wished. But he had not. He had only observed her child-like cuteness with stolid solemnity. How could he not adored her antics? How could he not relish her rants on Touya? But somehow he had, he had let himself stay trapped within Yukito as merely an observer at a boring convention. Yet it was anything but dull or boring. It was interesting; it was alive—refreshing. And he couldn't handle it then, he wasn't sure he could even handle it now after all the years he had been in his real form.
He bit his lip harder, nearly drawing blood as his long silken strands flew wildly around as his body caught upon a whiff of a breeze, wrinkling through his traditional guardian robes softly as compared to the rushing air of his deadly plunge. He barely felt it, but what he felt reminded him of Sakura. Everything that was beautiful beyond compare; anything that was loaded with loveliness—made him think of her. All the good in the world came into itself and infused itself into Sakura. How could he not realize that it was her all along?
That she was meant to be the Mistress of the Clow Cards and the Mistress of his heart?
He was damned foolish—so utterly clueless. How had he not known? He was so insightful, unlike Keroberos. He saw what there was to see, heard what was to heart—yet he hadn't known all along his destiny was in front of him. He thought he had passed it by because Clow Reed was gone, but that was hardly the case. Now he knew and it was too late.
"Too late," he murmured, barely hearing his voice as the surging air snatched his words and carried them faraway from him into the world of the wind. He sighed retrospectively as he delved deeper into himself and lost touch with the reality of the lost dream. In this mode he neither thought too harshly of the missed joy nor too whimsically on what might have been, instead he just thought and questioned moving more into the thoughts of Sakura than the rhetorical meaningless questions that would remain unanswered.
He dragged into his lungs perhaps his last breath as his body continued to descend to the Earth at a fatal speed. His mind, his thoughts, his feelings, his emotions, his soul being captured into this bubble that would dramatically burst freeing his spirit to wander and to find a place for him to belong. With that last intake, he waited to feel the impact of his physical being crumbled into gritty fragments that were misshapen and disfigured.
In the very last second he opened his eyes to see the gray ground widening in a strange way as if it were going to open up, crack away the pavement and envelop his body. The fractures on the ground of common foundation problems seemed to broaden into the jaws of death waiting to swallow his soul as he plummeted down, nothing could stop him anymore. Even if he released his wings, that would just bring the fall into a softer, kinder fall—perhaps sparing his life. But the pain would come and it would hurt… oh it would hurt.
But it wasn't anything he couldn't take. He would take this. He would take this over losing her again and again. Because this was final and would never be felt again. This was momentary while she was eternity. Infinite pain he knew he couldn't stand. It was too much for one that was built with a soul as his, sensitively rooted deep within him—almost clouded by this solid exterior he exuded. And so he was ready to die this death.
He was ready and willing for this end.
He wanted it.
He craved it.
He needed it.
He desired it.
It was harder to live than to die.
Without her, he was nothing; with her, he was everything.
And he could have her, could he?
No, no it was not to be.
So he closed his eyes and waited for Death's doors.
"There's hope in this route."
Author's Note: Wow! 3 months and this series gets kickin' again. Wow! Reminiscent's update is on the way. Give me time. I'm just gettin' into my writing mode again (right before Finals, not smart eh?!) Well… expect an update in Reminiscent this X-mas break and most likely I'll try to write the ending's definite layout so I can finish it before it's birthdate sometime this upcoming spring. ^_^ As always reviews are highly appreciated.
P.S. If you leave an email in your review I'll email you when the next chapter's out.