Title: A Sweet Blossoming
Author: Yih
Written: April 2002/ May 2002
Disclaimer: All rights of characters are exclusively Clamp.
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8: Long Ago Story
And so he went away.
He went to the edge of a cliff and waited for her. When she came, he told her his story. He told her he did not love her in the way she deserved to be loved. The way a woman was supposed to be loved by a man. He said he was not the man for her, that there was another out there that loved her. He knew it. She asked him who. He only smiled and said that he was nearby. That the one that loved her was near her side. But she didn't see.
And when he went away.
She cried a thousand times. She had invested her soul into loving him. She told him that she did not care whether he loved her or not. She wanted to be with him no matter what. And he was very close to leaving her and all he cared about and the one that he did love behind. He smiled sadly and kissed her sweet lips and said, "I don't love you, Sakura."
And she wept as he held her one last time.
"I love you as I'd love a sister," he whispered into her ear. "It's a different kind of love that makes me want to cry when I hear you cry. Don't cry for me, Sakura. I need to leave. I need to leave this place where my dreams became a nightmare. I love someone else. I love you only as a sister. I'm sorry, Sakura. I have to go now."
And he pulled away from her.
He dried her tears with his hands, rubbing them away until they stopped spilling from her eyes. And when her tears stopped, he kissed her forehead and left. She fell to her knees on the gravel ground, her eyes as arid as the desert. She did not want to cry for him anymore today. He did not love her that way. He did not even love her enough to stay.
She knew soon enough, she'd cry for him again.
"Sakura?" asked Tomoyo with concern, holding her best friend tightly. "Are you okay?"
"Yes," she replied shakily, her eyes refocusing from her memory into the present. "I'm fine. I'll be okay. I was thinking. That's all."
"You were thinking of him again," Touya murmured. "I know you were, you cannot deny it. I'm sorry that he wasn't able to make himself stay for you, Sakura. I'm sorry that I drove him away. I'm sorry that I caused you that hurt. I never meant to hurt you. If I could bring him back, I'd do it now. You know that, don't you?"
Sakura smiled and nodded, reaching with her hand to squeeze Touya's comfortingly. "I know."
"We're here for you," Tomoyo reminded. "It's been a year since you last spoke of him, but I know that you still think of him. I don't have to hear you say anything to know the look in your eyes when you start to remember the memories of him."
"She still cries over him," Kero inputted solemnly, wrapping himself on top of Sakura's lap. "She never tells me why. I always ask, but she won't tell why. But I know why because he didn't stay even though she begged him. She thinks everyone will leave her. He wasn't the only one to leave her. Three of them have left her in all and she was not able to bear losing him, the last to go. Especially what he meant to her."
"Kero," Sakura said in a trembling voice, "you do not know what you speak of."
"I know that you cry for him before you sleep, and you cry for him while you sleep, and you cry for him when you awake. You didn't make him leave, Sakura. It wasn't your fault that he left. And he is not the only one that loves you. We all love you."
Her eyes filled with tears and she flung Tomoyo's arms from her, running up to her room. Tomoyo and Touya stared down at Kero where he laid on his side, dejectedly. "I've tried so hard. I've tried so hard not tell you all what she does everyday. I've tried so hard to tell myself that she's getting better, but she's not. She thinks it's all her fault that he left her. And she mumbles to herself that she doesn't deserve to cry about him. Even Yue doesn't know because of his connection to him. She only reveals it to me. And I can't hide it anymore. It's been too hard to watch her tear herself apart."
He does not love her the way she should be loved by a man.
He left because he loved another more than he loved her. He loved her only as much as he loved a sister. He did not love her at all. He only told her that because he knew how to make her weep. But he was a nice gentle soul to her. He taught her how to cook for college. He watched her while she slept when the first one left. He comforted her when the second one left. And he told her he would always be there. But he was not always there. He is gone now.
He left a year ago.
And she has not stopped crying since that day. She cannot understand that he had to leave. She only knows that he did not love her enough to stay. She did not do enough to make him want to stay. She did not tell him she loved him far enough. He always shushed her when she began to speak. He told her he knew and that he did not need to be reminded. But now she thought maybe because she gave in to his request that maybe he thought she did not love him enough to vocalize her love for him.
She has never been the same since.
She felt hopeless then and she feels hopeless now. She wishes that he would come back to her. But he cannot return any longer. And she knows that, but she still wishes that he would. Every time she sees a falling star, she makes that wish.
She wishes he would come back to her and love her and never leave her.
"Sakura, open the door!" shouted Touya, banging on her door.
She opened the door and Touya fell in with Tomoyo tumbling down on top of him. Kero launched himself at Sakura and cried out, "I'm so sorry that I told. I did not want to tell, but I cannot hold it in no longer. I don't want you to be sad Sakura. I love you too much. I want you to be happy. I want nothing more than for you to be happy."
"I know," she said, clutching Kero in her arms. "I want you to comfort me alone." She stared down at Touya and Tomoyo. "I want you to comfort me alone."
Kero nodded and when she let go of him, he transformed into his true form and pushed Tomoyo and Touya out of the room. He closed the door and plopped himself down on the rug. She came to him and lied down next to him, her face resting underneath his chin as he rubbed her back reassuringly as she cried her tears once more.
"I loved him so much, Kero. Why did he have to leave me?"
"I don't know Sakura. But maybe one day he'll come back."
They both knew he was never coming back. But she needed to hear that and she needed to believe that. All that Kero wanted was his Sakura back the way she had been before he had left her broken hearted. And maybe given a little more time, she might see that he was not going to come back and that there really was someone that loved her the way she deserved to be loved.
"I wish he would."
"That's all you can do is wish and maybe it'll come true."
"I miss him so much, Kero."
"I know," he answered warmly, licking her face. "And there is somebody else that loves you."
"You, I know," she whispered back, snuggling closer into his warmth.
He rumbled and held her tightly. "It's not only me, Sakura."
If Sakura only opened her eyes, he knew she would see how much Yue worshipped her. He'd tell her if he could, but Yue had sworn him to silence when he had confronted his fellow guardian about it. That had been nearly half a year ago. He had watched as Yue watched Sakura, and it ached him to see them both miserable when they had the chance to be happy together in each others arms.
"Maybe."
"It's not maybe," he said firmly. "It is."
She closed her eyes and the tears fell away from her face. She clutched Kero's thick mane and allowed herself to drift into a restless sleep that temporarily took her mind away from the distress into a brief nothingness. But Kero knew if she slept too long, she'd begin to dream and when she began to dream, the nightmares took its customary place to haunt her night after night.
He said to her that there was somebody else that loved her.
So she went and found the other two that had left her before him. And when she was about to ask them if they loved her they turned away from her. They rejected her. Leaving her dejected and alone. She did not even have to ask. She already knew their answer. She wanted him to know that there was nobody that loved her like she wanted to be loved by him.
But he had never been wrong before.
There must be someone she said to herself over and over again. There must be someone that loves me. She knew that there were people out there that loved her but not in the way that she wanted him to love her but he could not because he loved another until it drove him away. How hard she looked and how hard she cried she still was not able to find the one he spoke of.
And she cried not only for him but herself now.
All she had ever wanted in life was to be wife and a mother. To be safe and to be happy and to be loved. She never thought that was much of a request. But now she knew how precious it was. She swore to herself that when she found someone to love her she was going to love him back as much as she was able to. It might not be as much as she loved. But she loved that someone because he loved her back.
She swore to find someone who loved her.
"I never knew."
"I had no idea it was that bad."
Touya held Tomoyo tightly in his arms, cradling her as they both tried to find comfort they wished to bestow upon Sakura as soon as she was ready. Hugging each other closely, they eventually kissed each other with a bittersweet emotion of love and guilt. They had found each other when the one that they loved had been suffering such incredible pain.
"I want Sakura to be happy."
"So do I."
"At least, Kero's with her."
"I'm glad she tells someone, even if it is him."
She reached up and cupped his face tenderly. "I love you, Touya." She kissed both of his cheeks. "And Sakura loves you." She met him lips to lips. "Don't forget that you are her oniichan and that you are her family. She didn't want to hurt you because you felt guilty that he went away and if you knew what pain she was in, she knew it was going to hurt you. Be patient and she will come to you for help."
He leaned heavily against her for support. "I hope she comes to both of us."
"So do I."
She drifted from her sweet dreams of him.
She drifted away into the dark nightmare.
She drifted for the sake of drifting somewhere
---far from here.
Author's Note: The series isn't dead. But the motivation to write it is dwindling pretty fast. Please review, thanks.