Chapter 3: Slider
"Can we go in now? I'm freezing!"
"But it's not time yet! We have to wait for our cue!"
"If we don't get inside soon, you'll all be witnessing the creation of Lake Pippin right in front of the Bree gate."
The four hobbits were in fact standing in front of the Bree gate, debating in whispers whether they should give up waiting for their cue and just go in or not. However, the comment about Lake Pippin had settled it, so they knocked on the door, were let in without much fuss, and found the Prancing Pony (although Frodo had to lie and say that his name was Underhill) and were just settling down for a nice dinner followed by supper when they noticed something strange. There appeared to be a disco ball and various coloured lights in the middle of the room, but what was more disturbing was the fact that there was 70's dance music playing from somewhere, and that someone dressed in a dance suit covered with purple sequins was in fact dancing to the music.
"Hey dude," said Frodo to the bartender as he ordered a double whisky, "Who is that guy?"
"He's one of them rangers," said the bartender, "Weirdoes, the lot of them, wandering around dressed like that, and this one's the only one I've met thank god. Never found out his real name, but around here he's known as Slider."
"Slider? Isn't it supposed to be Strider?"
"Shut up!" the man hissed, "You want a lawsuit filed against you? Listen, he's Slider, and you four are Freddo, Marry, Pepper and Sum. Got that?"
"Yessirverysorrywon'thappenagain," said Frodo, who was getting a bit scared and wondering if this was why Gandalf had gone to his 'dentist appointment', and escaped back to their table.
And of course, the pint scene.
"What's that?" Pippin asked Frodo as he came back to the table.
"This? This is a double whisky."
"Oh." Pippin looked slightly disappointed. "What's that?" he asked brightly as Merry came back to the table.
"This, my friend, is a pint," said Merry, who was beaming because he had his pint and he'd remembered his line.
"It comes in pints?" Pippin looked extremely excited. "I'm getting one!"
"You've already had three!" Sam yelled at his hobbit companion as he disappeared into the crowd and hopefully didn't get squashed.
"Oh give the kid a break Sam. Honestly, the way you fuss over us, you'd think you were all our mothers."
It was only because of Merry and Pippin being there and Sam's self-control that stopped Frodo from getting punched in the face and dragged through every puddle, pond and lake from Bree to Rivendell. He was seriously wondering if any elvish sleepover was worth putting up with Frodo treating him as his servant 24/7.
Several hours later they were all bored, tired and there'd be hangover headaches all round in the morning. They were just beginning to think that maybe going to see the elves wasn't such a good idea, when for reasons best left to himself, Frodo had thought that maybe he should wear his earring as a ring because then he could actually see it. So he put the ring on his finger and hey presto! He vanishes. It was a while before the others noticed, as they were eating mushrooms and had launched into a deep conversation concerning exactly how to cook a nice rabbit stew, but when they did notice they were extremely impressed at how much magic Gandalf had taught Frodo that evening when he wasn't actually there, and then a bit worried because Slider had been watching their table and they had a disturbing feeling that he might be coming on to Frodo.
But Frodo reappeared safe and sound, although he was gibbering about eyes and shadows and things seeing him. The others were about to call the Bree psychiatrist when they realised that it was in fact Slider and decided that leaving him alone with Frodo wasn't a good idea, so they assured Frodo that it was all in his head and managed to calm him down somewhat.
That was until the rollerskating disco competition, which involved Slider doing lots of complicated disco movements in rollerskates and quite impressively, pulling them off with minimal damage to animals or property. But Frodo's weird psychotic mind fits neither of these categories, and he went an interesting shade of off-white, before getting up, pointing his finger at Slider and addressing him thus: "I SEE INTO YOUR MIND! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, FOR I SEE ALL! YOU ARE THE SERVANT OF HIM!" This was followed by a strange gurgling shriek and Merry, Pippin and Sam stared in fascinated mute horror as Frodo began singing Celine Dion horrifically off-key. It got worse, as Slider saw a chance to show off his singing talents and joined him. It was then that they started loudly voicing their wishes to be killed as quickly as possible.
"And iiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiii, will always llooooooooooooovveeee yooooooooouuuuu!!!" Frodo and Slider sang/screamed hysterically, before collapsing on the bar top into a fit of giggles. Sam ordered three vodkas and a strawberry whisky, tipped all of it into Pippin's half-finished pint and drank it down in one go. At another part of the bar table, he could see Merry and Pippin doing the same thing. All he wanted was to be unconscious, and as far away from Frodo as possible.
At that time the bartender decided that that was enough excitement for one night and carried them all into a room to solve their differences away from the public eye.
"So my slidey buddy," Frodo slurred and giggled, "Who are you, cos I know, I KNOW you secret an', an' you, you ain't Celide Nion."
"You come 'ere an' say that buddy, cos I am SLIDER!" Slider emphasized his point with jabs at his chest that threatened to make him fall over. "I am SLIDER, ranger, drag queen and disco drunk at y'r service. You gotta a PROBLEM wi' tha' pal?" This last comment was directed at an unfortunate miniature cactus that happened to be at his eye level.
"Nah, we're just three unhappily drunk hobbits an' a delusional karioke freak," Pippin was sitting on the shelf examining the cactus. "hey look at tha', 's spiky! Spikyspikyspiky!"
"Heehehehehehehehehe, pretty spiky!" Merry had gone off into his own little world.
"Tired. Have to go walkies lots. Elvy-sleepy, big party thingy. Rivednell. We all big happy family, go sleepy over. An' then, we go THEN!" Slider was making no sense at all to Sam, who, like the other four hobbits, was rapidly losing consciousness. The last thing any of them heard was a Spice Girls CD being played somewhere below them.
Two in the morning. The bartender and his helper were seated in one of the tables drinking cocktails with paper umbrellas. It had been a rough night. First ranger drag queens, then stoned and delusional hobbits, and then a bunch of black rider dudes had come in at about midnight and were currently having a pillow fight complete with swords in the room directly above.
"Can we go in now? I'm freezing!"
"But it's not time yet! We have to wait for our cue!"
"If we don't get inside soon, you'll all be witnessing the creation of Lake Pippin right in front of the Bree gate."
The four hobbits were in fact standing in front of the Bree gate, debating in whispers whether they should give up waiting for their cue and just go in or not. However, the comment about Lake Pippin had settled it, so they knocked on the door, were let in without much fuss, and found the Prancing Pony (although Frodo had to lie and say that his name was Underhill) and were just settling down for a nice dinner followed by supper when they noticed something strange. There appeared to be a disco ball and various coloured lights in the middle of the room, but what was more disturbing was the fact that there was 70's dance music playing from somewhere, and that someone dressed in a dance suit covered with purple sequins was in fact dancing to the music.
"Hey dude," said Frodo to the bartender as he ordered a double whisky, "Who is that guy?"
"He's one of them rangers," said the bartender, "Weirdoes, the lot of them, wandering around dressed like that, and this one's the only one I've met thank god. Never found out his real name, but around here he's known as Slider."
"Slider? Isn't it supposed to be Strider?"
"Shut up!" the man hissed, "You want a lawsuit filed against you? Listen, he's Slider, and you four are Freddo, Marry, Pepper and Sum. Got that?"
"Yessirverysorrywon'thappenagain," said Frodo, who was getting a bit scared and wondering if this was why Gandalf had gone to his 'dentist appointment', and escaped back to their table.
And of course, the pint scene.
"What's that?" Pippin asked Frodo as he came back to the table.
"This? This is a double whisky."
"Oh." Pippin looked slightly disappointed. "What's that?" he asked brightly as Merry came back to the table.
"This, my friend, is a pint," said Merry, who was beaming because he had his pint and he'd remembered his line.
"It comes in pints?" Pippin looked extremely excited. "I'm getting one!"
"You've already had three!" Sam yelled at his hobbit companion as he disappeared into the crowd and hopefully didn't get squashed.
"Oh give the kid a break Sam. Honestly, the way you fuss over us, you'd think you were all our mothers."
It was only because of Merry and Pippin being there and Sam's self-control that stopped Frodo from getting punched in the face and dragged through every puddle, pond and lake from Bree to Rivendell. He was seriously wondering if any elvish sleepover was worth putting up with Frodo treating him as his servant 24/7.
Several hours later they were all bored, tired and there'd be hangover headaches all round in the morning. They were just beginning to think that maybe going to see the elves wasn't such a good idea, when for reasons best left to himself, Frodo had thought that maybe he should wear his earring as a ring because then he could actually see it. So he put the ring on his finger and hey presto! He vanishes. It was a while before the others noticed, as they were eating mushrooms and had launched into a deep conversation concerning exactly how to cook a nice rabbit stew, but when they did notice they were extremely impressed at how much magic Gandalf had taught Frodo that evening when he wasn't actually there, and then a bit worried because Slider had been watching their table and they had a disturbing feeling that he might be coming on to Frodo.
But Frodo reappeared safe and sound, although he was gibbering about eyes and shadows and things seeing him. The others were about to call the Bree psychiatrist when they realised that it was in fact Slider and decided that leaving him alone with Frodo wasn't a good idea, so they assured Frodo that it was all in his head and managed to calm him down somewhat.
That was until the rollerskating disco competition, which involved Slider doing lots of complicated disco movements in rollerskates and quite impressively, pulling them off with minimal damage to animals or property. But Frodo's weird psychotic mind fits neither of these categories, and he went an interesting shade of off-white, before getting up, pointing his finger at Slider and addressing him thus: "I SEE INTO YOUR MIND! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, FOR I SEE ALL! YOU ARE THE SERVANT OF HIM!" This was followed by a strange gurgling shriek and Merry, Pippin and Sam stared in fascinated mute horror as Frodo began singing Celine Dion horrifically off-key. It got worse, as Slider saw a chance to show off his singing talents and joined him. It was then that they started loudly voicing their wishes to be killed as quickly as possible.
"And iiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiii, will always llooooooooooooovveeee yooooooooouuuuu!!!" Frodo and Slider sang/screamed hysterically, before collapsing on the bar top into a fit of giggles. Sam ordered three vodkas and a strawberry whisky, tipped all of it into Pippin's half-finished pint and drank it down in one go. At another part of the bar table, he could see Merry and Pippin doing the same thing. All he wanted was to be unconscious, and as far away from Frodo as possible.
At that time the bartender decided that that was enough excitement for one night and carried them all into a room to solve their differences away from the public eye.
"So my slidey buddy," Frodo slurred and giggled, "Who are you, cos I know, I KNOW you secret an', an' you, you ain't Celide Nion."
"You come 'ere an' say that buddy, cos I am SLIDER!" Slider emphasized his point with jabs at his chest that threatened to make him fall over. "I am SLIDER, ranger, drag queen and disco drunk at y'r service. You gotta a PROBLEM wi' tha' pal?" This last comment was directed at an unfortunate miniature cactus that happened to be at his eye level.
"Nah, we're just three unhappily drunk hobbits an' a delusional karioke freak," Pippin was sitting on the shelf examining the cactus. "hey look at tha', 's spiky! Spikyspikyspiky!"
"Heehehehehehehehehe, pretty spiky!" Merry had gone off into his own little world.
"Tired. Have to go walkies lots. Elvy-sleepy, big party thingy. Rivednell. We all big happy family, go sleepy over. An' then, we go THEN!" Slider was making no sense at all to Sam, who, like the other four hobbits, was rapidly losing consciousness. The last thing any of them heard was a Spice Girls CD being played somewhere below them.
Two in the morning. The bartender and his helper were seated in one of the tables drinking cocktails with paper umbrellas. It had been a rough night. First ranger drag queens, then stoned and delusional hobbits, and then a bunch of black rider dudes had come in at about midnight and were currently having a pillow fight complete with swords in the room directly above.