Chapter 4: At the Weathertop Caravan Park
(Note: apologies for my short chapters, it's just the way I write so please be patient. Hopefully this one might be a bit longer, but I'm not making any promises.
You've probably noticed that I tend to make my characters sing a lot, if you don't like that don't read this, cos I ain't changing. I might sometime later, this is one of only two fanfics that will be likely to get finished. I've only attempted four counting this one. Anyway, you're probably sick of reading my notes, so on with the story!)
"Oh what a beautiful mooooooooooooorrrrrrrnniiiiinnnng, oh what a beautiful ddaaaaaaaaaaaayy, I've got a beautiful ffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelliiiiiiiiiiiiiinnng-"
"That you'll never be able to do the splits again once I've finished with you, you stupid girly ranger poof!"
Slider turned around to face the four hobbits, all who were not looking the best mood, but especially Frodo, who had woken up to find someone licking his foot. The fact that the tongue looked suspiciously rangerish had not helped matters in the slightest. The comment about doing the splits had actually come from Merry, who as we all know has a history of doing very brave or very stupid things, or both, but the looks on the other three hobbits' faces showed that they were thinking along the same lines.
"Do you have a problem with my singing?"
"Oh no, why would we have a problem with someone singing the first four lines of a song that we all know far too well and hate with a zealous passion, especially since the someone singing it is one, a drag queen ranger and we don't even know why we agreed to let you come with us, and two can't bloody sing to save their life!" Like Merry, Pippin has a long history of doing and saying very brave or very stupid things, as we all know.
Slider attempted to look shattered and outraged at the same time, but his face muscles didn't manage to pull it off and he ended up looking slightly constipated. "What do you mean I can't sing?"
"We mean that you can't sing! You sound like a cat being strangled, castrated with a blunt knife and being run over by a steamroller simultaneously! Plus you have the worst taste in music out of everybody I've ever met, and yes I'm including Frodo in this."
"Hey!" yelled Frodo, but nobody took much notice except Sam, who calmed him down with some lifesavers to suck on.
"Some people have no appreciation for good music," Slider stuck his nose in the air.
"Good music being a mixture of Celine Dion and seriously ancient musicals? Do you even know the name of the show you got that song off?"
"Of course I do. It's Oklahoma."
The four hobbits gathered into a little group, debating in whispers whether or not they thought 'Oklahoma' was an actual musical.
"Could be elvish, I mean they're big on the music and singing thing."
"Not even elves are that pansy, and I really can't see them letting a drag queen ranger live with them."
"You mean he's not the real Slider?"
"Are you suggesting that there's more than one of them?"
"No, I mean that yes he is the real Slider but we're not supposed to be going with him, like, we've got the total wrong guy and there's some other dude back at the Prancing Pony and he's the one that we're supposed to take."
"So what do we do?"
"Head back to the Prancing Pony and have a look for the other dude?"
"No way, that means they'll make us pay for the drinks and everything."
"You mean we didn't pay?"
"Course not, didn't you guess when we all jumped out the window, grabbed the pony and made a wild run through the streets at about three in the morning?"
"I thought that we were getting away from those weird dudes having a pillow fight next door."
"I'd rather be stuck with them instead of Mr Girly-ranger-poof."
Frodo perked up suddenly. "Hey, I've got it!"
"What?"
"We go to Rivendell for the sleepover, and when we get there we ask the elves if it's the real Slider and if they say no then we know for sure."
"What if they can't tell? I mean, most ranger drag queens look the same."
"That's the point, if the actual dude we're supposed to go with isn't a drag queen then they'll tell us and we can go back and get him."
"If we go back to Bree then we still have to pay."
"We can sell poofy-ranger into prostitution and that'll cover it."
Sam was about to ask why would anybody want to buy a ranger prostitute, when they remembered that Slider was still waiting for them and they were getting hungry. So they smiled and said yes they'd agreed that Oklahoma was in fact a real musical which made Slider very happy, but thankfully he didn't start singing again and was content to reminisce happily about the disco competitions he'd participated in. They supposed that he was remembering the comment about the cat and his singing and was determined to prove that he could live without singing.
So they all had a breakfast that consisted of waffles, maple syrup and baked beans, sprinkled with bits of mushroom, and started walking to a place that Slider said was a caravan park. It was a few hours after their whispered discussion that Sam had a horrible idea: what if there was in fact no real ranger dude and the elves had never heard of him? The looks on Merry and Pippin's faces showed that they were thinking exactly the same thing (Frodo was too busy eating fizzy lifesavers and going on a hyper to think about much else. Except maybe something along the lines of: "Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe! Pretty colours!").
Several hours in which nothing happened after that.
"Here it is! Little hobbit dudes, this is the Weathertop Caravan Park!"
Merry frowned. "Don't see no caravans. Or tents. Or any sign of human habitation less than 1000 years old."
Slider sighed impatiently. "Camping season's over, okay? Everybody'll be back in about three months, and besides, there's stuff that they left behind."
"Such as?"
"Uuuuuuum," Slider looked around frantically. He noticed something pink near his foot. "Look, here's a lifesaver! See, it's not even dirty, they can't have been gone too long."
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" Slider was suddenly tackled by a angry blur that appeared to be Frodo. "That's my lifesaver! Give it back!"
"Finders keepers." Slider poked his tongue out.
"Saaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaammm, he's taken my lifesaver, make him give it back!"
Sam attempted to slip into the role of "ineffective parent". "Slider, put that lifesaver down, it's got germs all over it."
"No. I found it, 's mine. Get your own."
Merry tried his primary school-teacher impression. "Slider, I am going to count to three and if you have not got rid of that lifesaver when I get to three there will be Trouble." Pippin and Sam found themselves standing to attention at the mere sound of the voice. Slider pouted rebelliously but dropped the lifesaver, which was pounced on immediately by two blurs, one of which seemed to be a black rider dude. The others could only guess as to what the other blur was, although as the two started having a tug-of-war with the lifesaver and the strange blur began yelling something about an earring and fizzy lifesavers frequently punctured with cries of "Saaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamm", they began to suspect that it was in fact Frodo.
The fight ended suddenly with another three black rider dudes appearing from somewhere and dragging their friend away from the lifesaver with some difficulty, while Frodo was held down by the other three hobbits and the lifesaver forcibly removed from between his teeth.
Having separated both Frodo and the black rider dude from the lifesaver (accompanied by angry shrieks of "Mine! Mine!" from both parties), Sam chucked it away down the hill, while Slider looked on sulkily.
(Note: apologies for my short chapters, it's just the way I write so please be patient. Hopefully this one might be a bit longer, but I'm not making any promises.
You've probably noticed that I tend to make my characters sing a lot, if you don't like that don't read this, cos I ain't changing. I might sometime later, this is one of only two fanfics that will be likely to get finished. I've only attempted four counting this one. Anyway, you're probably sick of reading my notes, so on with the story!)
"Oh what a beautiful mooooooooooooorrrrrrrnniiiiinnnng, oh what a beautiful ddaaaaaaaaaaaayy, I've got a beautiful ffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelliiiiiiiiiiiiiinnng-"
"That you'll never be able to do the splits again once I've finished with you, you stupid girly ranger poof!"
Slider turned around to face the four hobbits, all who were not looking the best mood, but especially Frodo, who had woken up to find someone licking his foot. The fact that the tongue looked suspiciously rangerish had not helped matters in the slightest. The comment about doing the splits had actually come from Merry, who as we all know has a history of doing very brave or very stupid things, or both, but the looks on the other three hobbits' faces showed that they were thinking along the same lines.
"Do you have a problem with my singing?"
"Oh no, why would we have a problem with someone singing the first four lines of a song that we all know far too well and hate with a zealous passion, especially since the someone singing it is one, a drag queen ranger and we don't even know why we agreed to let you come with us, and two can't bloody sing to save their life!" Like Merry, Pippin has a long history of doing and saying very brave or very stupid things, as we all know.
Slider attempted to look shattered and outraged at the same time, but his face muscles didn't manage to pull it off and he ended up looking slightly constipated. "What do you mean I can't sing?"
"We mean that you can't sing! You sound like a cat being strangled, castrated with a blunt knife and being run over by a steamroller simultaneously! Plus you have the worst taste in music out of everybody I've ever met, and yes I'm including Frodo in this."
"Hey!" yelled Frodo, but nobody took much notice except Sam, who calmed him down with some lifesavers to suck on.
"Some people have no appreciation for good music," Slider stuck his nose in the air.
"Good music being a mixture of Celine Dion and seriously ancient musicals? Do you even know the name of the show you got that song off?"
"Of course I do. It's Oklahoma."
The four hobbits gathered into a little group, debating in whispers whether or not they thought 'Oklahoma' was an actual musical.
"Could be elvish, I mean they're big on the music and singing thing."
"Not even elves are that pansy, and I really can't see them letting a drag queen ranger live with them."
"You mean he's not the real Slider?"
"Are you suggesting that there's more than one of them?"
"No, I mean that yes he is the real Slider but we're not supposed to be going with him, like, we've got the total wrong guy and there's some other dude back at the Prancing Pony and he's the one that we're supposed to take."
"So what do we do?"
"Head back to the Prancing Pony and have a look for the other dude?"
"No way, that means they'll make us pay for the drinks and everything."
"You mean we didn't pay?"
"Course not, didn't you guess when we all jumped out the window, grabbed the pony and made a wild run through the streets at about three in the morning?"
"I thought that we were getting away from those weird dudes having a pillow fight next door."
"I'd rather be stuck with them instead of Mr Girly-ranger-poof."
Frodo perked up suddenly. "Hey, I've got it!"
"What?"
"We go to Rivendell for the sleepover, and when we get there we ask the elves if it's the real Slider and if they say no then we know for sure."
"What if they can't tell? I mean, most ranger drag queens look the same."
"That's the point, if the actual dude we're supposed to go with isn't a drag queen then they'll tell us and we can go back and get him."
"If we go back to Bree then we still have to pay."
"We can sell poofy-ranger into prostitution and that'll cover it."
Sam was about to ask why would anybody want to buy a ranger prostitute, when they remembered that Slider was still waiting for them and they were getting hungry. So they smiled and said yes they'd agreed that Oklahoma was in fact a real musical which made Slider very happy, but thankfully he didn't start singing again and was content to reminisce happily about the disco competitions he'd participated in. They supposed that he was remembering the comment about the cat and his singing and was determined to prove that he could live without singing.
So they all had a breakfast that consisted of waffles, maple syrup and baked beans, sprinkled with bits of mushroom, and started walking to a place that Slider said was a caravan park. It was a few hours after their whispered discussion that Sam had a horrible idea: what if there was in fact no real ranger dude and the elves had never heard of him? The looks on Merry and Pippin's faces showed that they were thinking exactly the same thing (Frodo was too busy eating fizzy lifesavers and going on a hyper to think about much else. Except maybe something along the lines of: "Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe! Pretty colours!").
Several hours in which nothing happened after that.
"Here it is! Little hobbit dudes, this is the Weathertop Caravan Park!"
Merry frowned. "Don't see no caravans. Or tents. Or any sign of human habitation less than 1000 years old."
Slider sighed impatiently. "Camping season's over, okay? Everybody'll be back in about three months, and besides, there's stuff that they left behind."
"Such as?"
"Uuuuuuum," Slider looked around frantically. He noticed something pink near his foot. "Look, here's a lifesaver! See, it's not even dirty, they can't have been gone too long."
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" Slider was suddenly tackled by a angry blur that appeared to be Frodo. "That's my lifesaver! Give it back!"
"Finders keepers." Slider poked his tongue out.
"Saaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaammm, he's taken my lifesaver, make him give it back!"
Sam attempted to slip into the role of "ineffective parent". "Slider, put that lifesaver down, it's got germs all over it."
"No. I found it, 's mine. Get your own."
Merry tried his primary school-teacher impression. "Slider, I am going to count to three and if you have not got rid of that lifesaver when I get to three there will be Trouble." Pippin and Sam found themselves standing to attention at the mere sound of the voice. Slider pouted rebelliously but dropped the lifesaver, which was pounced on immediately by two blurs, one of which seemed to be a black rider dude. The others could only guess as to what the other blur was, although as the two started having a tug-of-war with the lifesaver and the strange blur began yelling something about an earring and fizzy lifesavers frequently punctured with cries of "Saaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamm", they began to suspect that it was in fact Frodo.
The fight ended suddenly with another three black rider dudes appearing from somewhere and dragging their friend away from the lifesaver with some difficulty, while Frodo was held down by the other three hobbits and the lifesaver forcibly removed from between his teeth.
Having separated both Frodo and the black rider dude from the lifesaver (accompanied by angry shrieks of "Mine! Mine!" from both parties), Sam chucked it away down the hill, while Slider looked on sulkily.