Chapter 5: At the Weathertop Caravan Park: Part II
Also known as: A Pocketknife in the Semi-Twilight
"Sorry about that, dude," one of the black riders said to Sam. "He's not usually like that honestly, it's just that he loves fizzy lifesavers and he's kinda addicted to them, and do you know how hard it is to find a decent milkbar in Mordor?"
"Well not about the milkbar bit," said Sam, "But we've got a drag queen ranger to deal with as well as a psychopathic hobbit that also happens to be addicted to fizzy lifesavers." At the words "drag queen ranger" all four black riders winced, and then seemed to give them sympathetic looks. Fortunately Slider hadn't heard Sam's comment, as he, Frodo and the fourth black rider were halfway down the hill in search of the lifesaver.
A sudden burst of swearing from Merry told them that he'd seen the three lifesaver-addicts. "Oi!" Sam yelled, "What are you three up to?" the three jumped, looked around guiltily and tried to hide between various pieces of vegetation, however it failed as they were trying mostly to hide behind bits of grass, so they settled for looking sheepish and staring at their feet.
"You're looking for the lifesaver aren't you?"
They seemed to be nodding, although it was hard to tell because they were almost at the bottom of the hill.
"Well you're not gonna find it there, I chucked it about 20m over that way." Slider, Frodo and the black rider dude lunged in the direction that Sam had pointed. "Hey, hold it right there!" They stopped, but only just.
"Ok, if you three come up here right now and stop looking for that stupid lifesaver, I'll give you two lifesavers each, and you can pick which flavour."
At the sound of "two lifesavers" all three started running up the hill at full blast, none of them wanting to get the banana-flavoured lifesavers as they were known to cause hallucinations (not that Frodo needed any help in that area). Sam took one look at them and decided that getting tackled by frenzied lifesaver-addicts wasn't really a productive way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, so he threw the packet as far away as he could in the opposite direction. Which happened to be towards Pippin.
A general note of warning: when I read I get mental images in my head, and since I'm guessing that most of the people reading this get mental images too, the pictures flashing before your eyes will tend to get a bit violent from here to about, oh I don't know, the rest of the fanfic. Don't flame! Don't send death threats! I will try to make it as subtle as possible, but if you end up being a psychotic freak like. oh sorry not mentioning any names *coughFrodocough* it's entirely your fault. YOU chose to read this fanfic. YOU "accidentally" saw most of a trailer for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre when you were three and it's turned you into .....THIS! A fanfiction author with a fetish for writing about the gruesome adventures of a drag queen ranger, three unhappily drunk hobbits and a delusional karioke freak. (I'm only referring to the general population of authors. I'm sure that somewhere out there *righteous and patriotic music begins playing* there are a scattering of souls who truly believe in goodness, faith and everybody living happily ever after. To whom I say: GET WITH THE PROGRAM PEOPLE, WE ARE NOT LIVIN' IN THE FRIGGIN' SIXTIES! The Brady Bunch look is dead, guys. Oh and by the way, peace dude.
Back to Pippin, after that strange rant about massacres, and psycho authors, and.... NO! NONONONONONO! Am not going to have another rant. Am also going to stop referring to self in a way that makes me sound like the voiceover in Bridget Jones' Diary. And will especially not waste time and space writing these strange, ranting ..er....rants. There, now that I've got that out of my system I can go back to writing the actual fanfic.
Back to Pippin (again). He saw something flying towards him. And caught it easily, because if you can persuade hobbits to stop thinking about food for more than several milliseconds, they are actually quite good at playing football, basketball, soccer, cricket.........*15 minutes later* lacrosse, lawn bowls, polo, twister.... Whatever. Anyway, the point is that he caught it. After congratulating himself on such a good catch, he looked down to find out what he had actually caught. (Yes, I am aware of how dangerously unsafe that is, since what he had caught could have been a bomb, a fireball, a tarantula.... although he's not much better off with lifesavers around his present company.)
Anyway, to Pippin's analysis of the box. It seemed to be a packet of lollies. He turned it over to read the label. Lifesavers. Fizzy lifesavers. His first thought was: hmmmmm, where have I heard of these in the past few days. Then he looked up. Slider, Frodo and a black rider dude thirsty for blood...flavoured lifesavers is not a pretty sight at the best of times. It's a hell of a lot worse when they're running full pelt towards you, and you've only just realised that you're holding the packet of said lifesavers. And so Pippin did the only thing a hobbit, man, elf, dwarf, ent or any other thing that's not completely senseless could do. He stared in mute horror at them charging towards him, then opened his mouth to speak the words used all over both earths (in various languages, but it's got the same feel). "Oh sh-"
*Picture goes black, save for a small white spot in the centre. Classic cartoon and movie procedure. Hear the sounds of muffled swearing in several forms of elvish, then in arabic, french, english, japanese, and although the screen's completely black it can be sensed that the author is making the hand movements for swearing in sign language. Also, the sounds of various technological appliances being smashed can be heard. Then hysterical sobbing, for I have lost my computer, my own, my precious, and it can never be replaced. Except for the computer upstairs. Which is strictly for work. Thinks: this counts as work! Looks around quickly, then climbs into the air conditioning vent system and begins crawling through the house to the sounds of Mission Impossible*.
And Pippin's comment. What followed those one and a half words is anyone's guess, but I'm prepared to bet that it wasn't "Shoddles! I forgot to pack the jumper that Great Aunt Mabel knitted for me that would be perfect for tramping around middle earth in!"
Anyway, it's likely we'll never know exactly what he said because at that moment he was rugby tackled by all three lifesaver addicts, complete with screams along the lines of "They're mine bitch!" and "Saaaaaaaaa- aaaaaaaaaaaaam!". After what seemed to be a very, very, very long time the clump of fists, feet and lifesaver wrappers was split apart as Pippin ran for all he was worth and collapsed in a gibbering heap under a bush. Merry and Sam were starting to get a bit worried, at this rate Pippin was going to need even more psychiatric care sessions than Frodo. Sam made a mental note to look up every shrink in the telephone book for future reference once they got to Rivendell. If they got to Rivendell.
Fighting two other people while trying to eat fizzy lifesavers and keeping them away from the fizzy lifesavers is quite a tiresome and lengthy business. Normal people would have given up in an hour or so and gone off to the nearest milkbar to buy their own packet of lifesavers. Of course, in most parts of the world drag queen rangers, delusional karioke freaks and black rider dudes don't usually count as normal people. So Frodo, Slider and the black rider didn't give up since none of them wanted to end up with the banana flavoured lifesavers, which they could all be relied on to bypass, and they went on fighting their little fight complete with screams until about six in the evening (A/N: in this fanfic it's summer so it's still relatively light.) In the end, Slider gave up and went off to practice his dance moves, and out of mercy for the others, out of hearing and seeing distance.
Frodo and the black rider were fighting with new energy because they'd worked out that there was only one person to fight now that Slider had given up, when Frodo snatched up the packet of lifesavers and began stuffing them inside his mouth. At this, the black rider screeched in outrage, then unexpectedly pulled out a pocketknife. At this, the other black riders hastily restrained it, while Sam and Merry dragged Frodo away to a relatively safer distance. Then, by a strange coincidence, Frodo's earring (which had been in his pants pocket since the night before) suddenly rolled out onto the grass in plain view.
"Lifesaver!" The black rider broke free of its companions and hurtled towards the earring. At the same time, Frodo broke free from Merry and Sam and hurtled towards the earring. By chance or just the general thing, you know, Frodo reached the earring a split second before the black rider. (Please remember that at this point the black rider still has its pocketknife). The two remaining lifesaver-addicts then went into a fierce tug of war, and things might have gone on like this all night, if not for...
Suddenly, by accident (or not, depending on which version of the story you're reading) the black rider's pocketknife pricked Frodo's finger. Frodo grabbed the earring and ran back to Sam and Merry.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHoowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow OH DEAR GOD IT HURTS!"
To be continued.....
Also known as: A Pocketknife in the Semi-Twilight
"Sorry about that, dude," one of the black riders said to Sam. "He's not usually like that honestly, it's just that he loves fizzy lifesavers and he's kinda addicted to them, and do you know how hard it is to find a decent milkbar in Mordor?"
"Well not about the milkbar bit," said Sam, "But we've got a drag queen ranger to deal with as well as a psychopathic hobbit that also happens to be addicted to fizzy lifesavers." At the words "drag queen ranger" all four black riders winced, and then seemed to give them sympathetic looks. Fortunately Slider hadn't heard Sam's comment, as he, Frodo and the fourth black rider were halfway down the hill in search of the lifesaver.
A sudden burst of swearing from Merry told them that he'd seen the three lifesaver-addicts. "Oi!" Sam yelled, "What are you three up to?" the three jumped, looked around guiltily and tried to hide between various pieces of vegetation, however it failed as they were trying mostly to hide behind bits of grass, so they settled for looking sheepish and staring at their feet.
"You're looking for the lifesaver aren't you?"
They seemed to be nodding, although it was hard to tell because they were almost at the bottom of the hill.
"Well you're not gonna find it there, I chucked it about 20m over that way." Slider, Frodo and the black rider dude lunged in the direction that Sam had pointed. "Hey, hold it right there!" They stopped, but only just.
"Ok, if you three come up here right now and stop looking for that stupid lifesaver, I'll give you two lifesavers each, and you can pick which flavour."
At the sound of "two lifesavers" all three started running up the hill at full blast, none of them wanting to get the banana-flavoured lifesavers as they were known to cause hallucinations (not that Frodo needed any help in that area). Sam took one look at them and decided that getting tackled by frenzied lifesaver-addicts wasn't really a productive way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, so he threw the packet as far away as he could in the opposite direction. Which happened to be towards Pippin.
A general note of warning: when I read I get mental images in my head, and since I'm guessing that most of the people reading this get mental images too, the pictures flashing before your eyes will tend to get a bit violent from here to about, oh I don't know, the rest of the fanfic. Don't flame! Don't send death threats! I will try to make it as subtle as possible, but if you end up being a psychotic freak like. oh sorry not mentioning any names *coughFrodocough* it's entirely your fault. YOU chose to read this fanfic. YOU "accidentally" saw most of a trailer for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre when you were three and it's turned you into .....THIS! A fanfiction author with a fetish for writing about the gruesome adventures of a drag queen ranger, three unhappily drunk hobbits and a delusional karioke freak. (I'm only referring to the general population of authors. I'm sure that somewhere out there *righteous and patriotic music begins playing* there are a scattering of souls who truly believe in goodness, faith and everybody living happily ever after. To whom I say: GET WITH THE PROGRAM PEOPLE, WE ARE NOT LIVIN' IN THE FRIGGIN' SIXTIES! The Brady Bunch look is dead, guys. Oh and by the way, peace dude.
Back to Pippin, after that strange rant about massacres, and psycho authors, and.... NO! NONONONONONO! Am not going to have another rant. Am also going to stop referring to self in a way that makes me sound like the voiceover in Bridget Jones' Diary. And will especially not waste time and space writing these strange, ranting ..er....rants. There, now that I've got that out of my system I can go back to writing the actual fanfic.
Back to Pippin (again). He saw something flying towards him. And caught it easily, because if you can persuade hobbits to stop thinking about food for more than several milliseconds, they are actually quite good at playing football, basketball, soccer, cricket.........*15 minutes later* lacrosse, lawn bowls, polo, twister.... Whatever. Anyway, the point is that he caught it. After congratulating himself on such a good catch, he looked down to find out what he had actually caught. (Yes, I am aware of how dangerously unsafe that is, since what he had caught could have been a bomb, a fireball, a tarantula.... although he's not much better off with lifesavers around his present company.)
Anyway, to Pippin's analysis of the box. It seemed to be a packet of lollies. He turned it over to read the label. Lifesavers. Fizzy lifesavers. His first thought was: hmmmmm, where have I heard of these in the past few days. Then he looked up. Slider, Frodo and a black rider dude thirsty for blood...flavoured lifesavers is not a pretty sight at the best of times. It's a hell of a lot worse when they're running full pelt towards you, and you've only just realised that you're holding the packet of said lifesavers. And so Pippin did the only thing a hobbit, man, elf, dwarf, ent or any other thing that's not completely senseless could do. He stared in mute horror at them charging towards him, then opened his mouth to speak the words used all over both earths (in various languages, but it's got the same feel). "Oh sh-"
*Picture goes black, save for a small white spot in the centre. Classic cartoon and movie procedure. Hear the sounds of muffled swearing in several forms of elvish, then in arabic, french, english, japanese, and although the screen's completely black it can be sensed that the author is making the hand movements for swearing in sign language. Also, the sounds of various technological appliances being smashed can be heard. Then hysterical sobbing, for I have lost my computer, my own, my precious, and it can never be replaced. Except for the computer upstairs. Which is strictly for work. Thinks: this counts as work! Looks around quickly, then climbs into the air conditioning vent system and begins crawling through the house to the sounds of Mission Impossible*.
And Pippin's comment. What followed those one and a half words is anyone's guess, but I'm prepared to bet that it wasn't "Shoddles! I forgot to pack the jumper that Great Aunt Mabel knitted for me that would be perfect for tramping around middle earth in!"
Anyway, it's likely we'll never know exactly what he said because at that moment he was rugby tackled by all three lifesaver addicts, complete with screams along the lines of "They're mine bitch!" and "Saaaaaaaaa- aaaaaaaaaaaaam!". After what seemed to be a very, very, very long time the clump of fists, feet and lifesaver wrappers was split apart as Pippin ran for all he was worth and collapsed in a gibbering heap under a bush. Merry and Sam were starting to get a bit worried, at this rate Pippin was going to need even more psychiatric care sessions than Frodo. Sam made a mental note to look up every shrink in the telephone book for future reference once they got to Rivendell. If they got to Rivendell.
Fighting two other people while trying to eat fizzy lifesavers and keeping them away from the fizzy lifesavers is quite a tiresome and lengthy business. Normal people would have given up in an hour or so and gone off to the nearest milkbar to buy their own packet of lifesavers. Of course, in most parts of the world drag queen rangers, delusional karioke freaks and black rider dudes don't usually count as normal people. So Frodo, Slider and the black rider didn't give up since none of them wanted to end up with the banana flavoured lifesavers, which they could all be relied on to bypass, and they went on fighting their little fight complete with screams until about six in the evening (A/N: in this fanfic it's summer so it's still relatively light.) In the end, Slider gave up and went off to practice his dance moves, and out of mercy for the others, out of hearing and seeing distance.
Frodo and the black rider were fighting with new energy because they'd worked out that there was only one person to fight now that Slider had given up, when Frodo snatched up the packet of lifesavers and began stuffing them inside his mouth. At this, the black rider screeched in outrage, then unexpectedly pulled out a pocketknife. At this, the other black riders hastily restrained it, while Sam and Merry dragged Frodo away to a relatively safer distance. Then, by a strange coincidence, Frodo's earring (which had been in his pants pocket since the night before) suddenly rolled out onto the grass in plain view.
"Lifesaver!" The black rider broke free of its companions and hurtled towards the earring. At the same time, Frodo broke free from Merry and Sam and hurtled towards the earring. By chance or just the general thing, you know, Frodo reached the earring a split second before the black rider. (Please remember that at this point the black rider still has its pocketknife). The two remaining lifesaver-addicts then went into a fierce tug of war, and things might have gone on like this all night, if not for...
Suddenly, by accident (or not, depending on which version of the story you're reading) the black rider's pocketknife pricked Frodo's finger. Frodo grabbed the earring and ran back to Sam and Merry.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHoowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow OH DEAR GOD IT HURTS!"
To be continued.....