The Legend of How Tyler's Mom Came to Be
Many, many moons ago, before there was supermarkets, malls, Heath Ledger movies or even Heath Ledger (imagine, life without Heath Ledger!), Great Spirit and the Great Spirit's mom's sister's grandfather's half-brother's second cousin-three-times-removed-by-marriage's cleaning lady's aunt's uncle's priest's chess partner's friend's friend stepmother's great aunt's stepson's pediatrician's third patient of December 12's cousins gas attendant teenage son, Polonious, were having an argument.
"Great Spirit," whined Polonious, "how come you have all those people praying to you and asking you for favors? It's not fair."
"Oh, yes it is," disagreed the Great Spirit. "I was always my mom's sister's grandfather's half-brother's second cousin-three-times-removed-by- marriage's cleaning lady's aunt's uncle's priest's chess partner's friend's friend stepmother's great aunt's stepson's pediatrician's gas attendant's favorite."
Polonious pouted. "I know! You get every thing you want."
The Great Spirit paused. Polonious was right. The Great Spirit did get everything he wanted as a child for Hanukkah (you didn't know he was Jewish?) had perfect grades, was teacher's pet, and always acted like a stuck up white kid (which he was). Does he remind you of anyone? Anyway, Great Spirit realized that Polonious was right.
"I have an idea, my friend," said the Great Spirit. "You see, I have this giant planet to rule and many people who love me. You have no planet, and no one loves you. I have the great heavens and beautiful stars with much space, you have nothing. I will grant some.space so you may create a planet and atmosphere of your own.
"Awesome!" cried Polonious. "Hey, Great-man-you won't regret this." "I hope not," sighed the Great Spirit, "but I have a feeling I will anyway." The Great Spirit thought for a minute. "Okay, a couple rules." Polonious nodded. "Number one- no intelligent life. I want my humans to dominant the universe." "No intelligent life," translated Polonious. "Got it." "Second," said the Great Spirit, inventing as he went along. "No copying what I have on Earth, except things like water." Polonious nodded. "No copying." "And, last," said the Great Spirit sternly. "No loud music." "Damn," said Polonious. Then, Polonious left to get busy creating the planet designs. He didn't want it to big, because then the Great Spirit might get mad. Plus, a big planet was a big responsibility. So, Polonious finally declared he wanted a planet the size of present-day France. "This is how big you want it?" asked the Great Spirit, when he saw the plans. "The hot tube is bigger then the mountain range*!" Polonious shrugged. "You said I could have it anyway I wanted," he said defensively. The Great Spirit nodded and with a great flourish, waved his wand. "Ichka la wanmba!" cried the Great Spirit as he waved his wand. Dust was starting to gather in the area Polonious wanted his planet. It suddenly changed in to a bunny. "Oops," said the Great Spirit. "Wrong spell." He flicked his wand back. "Salago doola, menchika boola-" Dust was forming faster. The wand was gripped tighter. "Bippity!" he cried. The dust became a tennis ball. "Boppity!" The tennis ball became basketball. "BOO!" screamed the Great Spirit. There was a deafening bang. "You have unlimited power over the rest of your realm. Do whatever you wish as long as it complies with my rules. And there," said the Great Spirit to Polonious, "is your planet." *************************************************************
Polonious was thrilled at the idea of a new planet. He owned it; it was all HIS and no one was going to take it away from him. He set to work on making it decent. He filled his hot tube and built himself a house. He had set up his own personal ski resort in the mountain range. Polonious did everything he could think of to make his new planet as luxurious as possible.
He added underground caverns and a fishing cove. He moved his planet close enough to the sun so it could be very hot at some parts, but cold enough to ski in others. Finally, he declared his planet perfect.
"In fact," Polonious remarked, "I believe my planet is even better then the Great Spirit's. In fact, it is."
The Great Spirit heard this remark and was angry. "Foolish mom's sister's grandfather's half-brother's second cousin-three-times-removed-by- marriage's cleaning lady's aunt's uncle's priest's chess partner's friend's friend stepmother's great aunt's stepson's pediatrician's gas attendant's teenage son!" he hollered at Polonious as he threw lightning bolts and balls of fire at his planets.
"What?" exclaimed Polonious.
"You believe yourself to be more perfect then the great, Great Spirit."
"Oh!" said Polonious. "Well, if that's all, can you quit with all the flashy lights and balls of fire? It's making me dizzy."
Instead of ceasing, the Great Spirit added thunder to his mix. "Fine!" howled Polonious. "Then it is to be war between us!"
Polonious thought hard about what to send to Earth. Finally, after thinking for a while, he sent a typhoon. The swirling winds and pounding rain confused and baffled humans. Their confusion angered the Great Spirits.
The Great Spirit sent a tornado to Polonious' home. It destroyed his ski resort, which made Polonious furious.
Polonious then sent a huge missile down to Earth that zoomed around and went through windows and broke china and was generally annoying. The Great Spirit responded by bombing Polonious' hot tub and home.
The fury that Polonious felt before was nothing to his current anger. "Now what," he asked himself, "is powerful enough to drive people to suicide, but pleasing enough to the eye so it isn't suspicious?" Polonious gasped and snapped his fingers. "I got it! A boy band!" he shouted.
Moments later, six guys were standing in front of Polonious. "Perfect," commented Polonious. "Now, go to Earth and sing. Sing to your hearts content. Sing everywhere. Stop for nothing!"
"Okay," answered one of the guys with very odd hair.
"Yeah," added another, "I can't wait to drive those Earthlings crazy. After all," he said, facing Polonious. "I drive myself crazy."
"I am going to drive more people crazy then all of you guys combined," predicted one.
"You're crazy, Joey," said another. "It's Gonna Be Me." He turned to the first guy. "What do you say about that, Justin?"
"All I can say is that we will do our best to corrupt those people. This I Promise You." Justin winked at Polonious. "With No Strings Attached."
"Yeah," said the only guy who hadn't spoken. "We can't promise More Then That."
"NO, YOU FOOL!" screamed Justin. "That's a Backstreet Boy's song!"
"Let's shoot him!" called one of the guys.
"Yes, shoot him!" responded all the others. In perfect sync with one another, the other five boys pulled out guns from their pants pockets (Polonious noticed that their pants were ten sizes too big).
"Ready, guys?" shouted Justin. They yelled back yes.
"Bye!" yelled Justin. The five guys each shot their unfortunate comrade once.
"Please, Justin! Joey! Lance! Chris, can't you even remember the good times? Don't you remember what you said to me on the beach? Have mercy! Please." sobbed the bloody guy.
"Bye!" called Justin again. Five more shots went in to the guy's body. He started twitching.
"BYE!" Five more bullets caught the dead guy in the leg, arm, neck, ear, and mouth.
"And that," said Justin to Polonious as the other four guys put their guns away. "Is why they call us *Nsync." Justin winked, "See ya later." He and the other four disappeared.
As you could imagine, at first Earthlings greeted these "Nsync" people enthusiastically. Then, they began going crazy. "If I hear 'It's Gonna Be Me' one more time," they said to one another, "I'm going to kill myself."
And of course, as soon they finished saying this, of course, strains of When finally/ You get to love somebody/ Guess what/ It's gonna be- (sound of gun being shot off.)
Finally, the Great Spirit went to Polonious. "Please," he begged. "Take them away. Please! I can't bear it anymore!"
"I don't know," said Polonious. "It seems that "Every little thing I do/ never seems enough for you/ You don't want loose it again/But I'm not like- "
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, POLONIOUS!" shouted the Great Spirit as he disappeared.
"I'm sure I will," remarked Polonious sarcastically. After all, he had the evil powers of *NSYNC on his side. What could possible more cruel or sinister?
Or, maybe. what couldn't?
DUM DUM DUMMMMMMM DA DA DUM ******************************************************************
Now the Great Spirit was furious. He HATED *NSYNC. He hated their faces, their music, their families. everything about them. And you can't blame him. Who doesn't?
So the Great Spirit decided to take matters in to his own hands. He was going to create a sensation. A person so hot, so charming, so talented that no one would ever even remember who Justin Timberlake was. He would need to have the talent of every actor on earth, the voice of every singer, the charm of the most charming creature. and then it came to the great spirit.
He got out his wand.
"Musique est beau, joie est un acteur," Great Spirit stopped.
"BEAU EST AUSTRALIA!"
POOF!
And standing before the Great Spirit was Heath Ledger. Even the Greta Spirit had to admit how attractive his creature was. He named the creature "Heath" after the flower that blooms in Australia.
"Now, Heath," the Great Spirit told him. "Go forth in to the world and show them who you are. Show them your talent!"
Heath Ledger went down to Earth and suddenly any thought of NSYNC disappeared. Posters of NSYNC were burned; billboards with Heath's gorgeous face replaced them. Heath Ledger was becoming a legend. In his first movie, 10 Things I Hate About You, he charmed the world with singing the hit song, I Love You Baby. He then appeared in The Patriot and played a rebellious young son. Then he played the lead in A Knight's Tale. He was so successful that he astonished critics, who had nothing left to critique.
All this infuriated Polonious. He threw a fit when he heard of Heath Ledger, for he knew that he could not create anything to reveal the talents of Heath Ledger. So he merely created a huge bolder and hurled it down to Earth, hoping to it would land on Heath Ledger and kill him. Instead, it landed on President George W. Bush, but as the President's skull is so thick, he did not die (In fact, to quote the President himself, "I am able bodied enough to assertion of what vigorous and robustion mind I am in during this despondentionary time, my fellow Americans.")
Furious at the attempt to harm his rising young star, the Great Spirit sent a horrible wind to the planet of Polonious. The wind was so strong it began to rock the little planet. Polonious couldn't think of a way to stabilize his planet. So with a great crash, his planet fell out of orbit, and due to the weight on it, it fell with a great crash down to Earth. Polonious, knowing there was nothing he could do went to the Great Spirit and begged forgiveness.
"Forgive me, my dear mom's sister's grandfather's half-brother's second cousin-three-times-removed-by-marriage's cleaning lady's aunt's uncle's priest's chess partner's friend's friend stepmother's great aunt's stepson's pediatrician's third patient of December 12's cousins gas attendant teenage cousin! I was horrible wrong to challenge your powers."
Being the enlightened Great Spirit that he was, the Great Spirit grudgingly accepted the apology. They shook hands and agreed to be friends again. While lighting up cigars, they praised each other's clever plots and brilliant actions. Yet slowly, they realized they could not undo the damage of Polonious' small planet embedded into the Earth.
"But what shall we do with that bolder?" pondered the Great Spirit. He pondered for a moment and snapped his fingers. "I've got a theory."
Many, many moons ago, before there was supermarkets, malls, Heath Ledger movies or even Heath Ledger (imagine, life without Heath Ledger!), Great Spirit and the Great Spirit's mom's sister's grandfather's half-brother's second cousin-three-times-removed-by-marriage's cleaning lady's aunt's uncle's priest's chess partner's friend's friend stepmother's great aunt's stepson's pediatrician's third patient of December 12's cousins gas attendant teenage son, Polonious, were having an argument.
"Great Spirit," whined Polonious, "how come you have all those people praying to you and asking you for favors? It's not fair."
"Oh, yes it is," disagreed the Great Spirit. "I was always my mom's sister's grandfather's half-brother's second cousin-three-times-removed-by- marriage's cleaning lady's aunt's uncle's priest's chess partner's friend's friend stepmother's great aunt's stepson's pediatrician's gas attendant's favorite."
Polonious pouted. "I know! You get every thing you want."
The Great Spirit paused. Polonious was right. The Great Spirit did get everything he wanted as a child for Hanukkah (you didn't know he was Jewish?) had perfect grades, was teacher's pet, and always acted like a stuck up white kid (which he was). Does he remind you of anyone? Anyway, Great Spirit realized that Polonious was right.
"I have an idea, my friend," said the Great Spirit. "You see, I have this giant planet to rule and many people who love me. You have no planet, and no one loves you. I have the great heavens and beautiful stars with much space, you have nothing. I will grant some.space so you may create a planet and atmosphere of your own.
"Awesome!" cried Polonious. "Hey, Great-man-you won't regret this." "I hope not," sighed the Great Spirit, "but I have a feeling I will anyway." The Great Spirit thought for a minute. "Okay, a couple rules." Polonious nodded. "Number one- no intelligent life. I want my humans to dominant the universe." "No intelligent life," translated Polonious. "Got it." "Second," said the Great Spirit, inventing as he went along. "No copying what I have on Earth, except things like water." Polonious nodded. "No copying." "And, last," said the Great Spirit sternly. "No loud music." "Damn," said Polonious. Then, Polonious left to get busy creating the planet designs. He didn't want it to big, because then the Great Spirit might get mad. Plus, a big planet was a big responsibility. So, Polonious finally declared he wanted a planet the size of present-day France. "This is how big you want it?" asked the Great Spirit, when he saw the plans. "The hot tube is bigger then the mountain range*!" Polonious shrugged. "You said I could have it anyway I wanted," he said defensively. The Great Spirit nodded and with a great flourish, waved his wand. "Ichka la wanmba!" cried the Great Spirit as he waved his wand. Dust was starting to gather in the area Polonious wanted his planet. It suddenly changed in to a bunny. "Oops," said the Great Spirit. "Wrong spell." He flicked his wand back. "Salago doola, menchika boola-" Dust was forming faster. The wand was gripped tighter. "Bippity!" he cried. The dust became a tennis ball. "Boppity!" The tennis ball became basketball. "BOO!" screamed the Great Spirit. There was a deafening bang. "You have unlimited power over the rest of your realm. Do whatever you wish as long as it complies with my rules. And there," said the Great Spirit to Polonious, "is your planet." *************************************************************
Polonious was thrilled at the idea of a new planet. He owned it; it was all HIS and no one was going to take it away from him. He set to work on making it decent. He filled his hot tube and built himself a house. He had set up his own personal ski resort in the mountain range. Polonious did everything he could think of to make his new planet as luxurious as possible.
He added underground caverns and a fishing cove. He moved his planet close enough to the sun so it could be very hot at some parts, but cold enough to ski in others. Finally, he declared his planet perfect.
"In fact," Polonious remarked, "I believe my planet is even better then the Great Spirit's. In fact, it is."
The Great Spirit heard this remark and was angry. "Foolish mom's sister's grandfather's half-brother's second cousin-three-times-removed-by- marriage's cleaning lady's aunt's uncle's priest's chess partner's friend's friend stepmother's great aunt's stepson's pediatrician's gas attendant's teenage son!" he hollered at Polonious as he threw lightning bolts and balls of fire at his planets.
"What?" exclaimed Polonious.
"You believe yourself to be more perfect then the great, Great Spirit."
"Oh!" said Polonious. "Well, if that's all, can you quit with all the flashy lights and balls of fire? It's making me dizzy."
Instead of ceasing, the Great Spirit added thunder to his mix. "Fine!" howled Polonious. "Then it is to be war between us!"
Polonious thought hard about what to send to Earth. Finally, after thinking for a while, he sent a typhoon. The swirling winds and pounding rain confused and baffled humans. Their confusion angered the Great Spirits.
The Great Spirit sent a tornado to Polonious' home. It destroyed his ski resort, which made Polonious furious.
Polonious then sent a huge missile down to Earth that zoomed around and went through windows and broke china and was generally annoying. The Great Spirit responded by bombing Polonious' hot tub and home.
The fury that Polonious felt before was nothing to his current anger. "Now what," he asked himself, "is powerful enough to drive people to suicide, but pleasing enough to the eye so it isn't suspicious?" Polonious gasped and snapped his fingers. "I got it! A boy band!" he shouted.
Moments later, six guys were standing in front of Polonious. "Perfect," commented Polonious. "Now, go to Earth and sing. Sing to your hearts content. Sing everywhere. Stop for nothing!"
"Okay," answered one of the guys with very odd hair.
"Yeah," added another, "I can't wait to drive those Earthlings crazy. After all," he said, facing Polonious. "I drive myself crazy."
"I am going to drive more people crazy then all of you guys combined," predicted one.
"You're crazy, Joey," said another. "It's Gonna Be Me." He turned to the first guy. "What do you say about that, Justin?"
"All I can say is that we will do our best to corrupt those people. This I Promise You." Justin winked at Polonious. "With No Strings Attached."
"Yeah," said the only guy who hadn't spoken. "We can't promise More Then That."
"NO, YOU FOOL!" screamed Justin. "That's a Backstreet Boy's song!"
"Let's shoot him!" called one of the guys.
"Yes, shoot him!" responded all the others. In perfect sync with one another, the other five boys pulled out guns from their pants pockets (Polonious noticed that their pants were ten sizes too big).
"Ready, guys?" shouted Justin. They yelled back yes.
"Bye!" yelled Justin. The five guys each shot their unfortunate comrade once.
"Please, Justin! Joey! Lance! Chris, can't you even remember the good times? Don't you remember what you said to me on the beach? Have mercy! Please." sobbed the bloody guy.
"Bye!" called Justin again. Five more shots went in to the guy's body. He started twitching.
"BYE!" Five more bullets caught the dead guy in the leg, arm, neck, ear, and mouth.
"And that," said Justin to Polonious as the other four guys put their guns away. "Is why they call us *Nsync." Justin winked, "See ya later." He and the other four disappeared.
As you could imagine, at first Earthlings greeted these "Nsync" people enthusiastically. Then, they began going crazy. "If I hear 'It's Gonna Be Me' one more time," they said to one another, "I'm going to kill myself."
And of course, as soon they finished saying this, of course, strains of When finally/ You get to love somebody/ Guess what/ It's gonna be- (sound of gun being shot off.)
Finally, the Great Spirit went to Polonious. "Please," he begged. "Take them away. Please! I can't bear it anymore!"
"I don't know," said Polonious. "It seems that "Every little thing I do/ never seems enough for you/ You don't want loose it again/But I'm not like- "
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, POLONIOUS!" shouted the Great Spirit as he disappeared.
"I'm sure I will," remarked Polonious sarcastically. After all, he had the evil powers of *NSYNC on his side. What could possible more cruel or sinister?
Or, maybe. what couldn't?
DUM DUM DUMMMMMMM DA DA DUM ******************************************************************
Now the Great Spirit was furious. He HATED *NSYNC. He hated their faces, their music, their families. everything about them. And you can't blame him. Who doesn't?
So the Great Spirit decided to take matters in to his own hands. He was going to create a sensation. A person so hot, so charming, so talented that no one would ever even remember who Justin Timberlake was. He would need to have the talent of every actor on earth, the voice of every singer, the charm of the most charming creature. and then it came to the great spirit.
He got out his wand.
"Musique est beau, joie est un acteur," Great Spirit stopped.
"BEAU EST AUSTRALIA!"
POOF!
And standing before the Great Spirit was Heath Ledger. Even the Greta Spirit had to admit how attractive his creature was. He named the creature "Heath" after the flower that blooms in Australia.
"Now, Heath," the Great Spirit told him. "Go forth in to the world and show them who you are. Show them your talent!"
Heath Ledger went down to Earth and suddenly any thought of NSYNC disappeared. Posters of NSYNC were burned; billboards with Heath's gorgeous face replaced them. Heath Ledger was becoming a legend. In his first movie, 10 Things I Hate About You, he charmed the world with singing the hit song, I Love You Baby. He then appeared in The Patriot and played a rebellious young son. Then he played the lead in A Knight's Tale. He was so successful that he astonished critics, who had nothing left to critique.
All this infuriated Polonious. He threw a fit when he heard of Heath Ledger, for he knew that he could not create anything to reveal the talents of Heath Ledger. So he merely created a huge bolder and hurled it down to Earth, hoping to it would land on Heath Ledger and kill him. Instead, it landed on President George W. Bush, but as the President's skull is so thick, he did not die (In fact, to quote the President himself, "I am able bodied enough to assertion of what vigorous and robustion mind I am in during this despondentionary time, my fellow Americans.")
Furious at the attempt to harm his rising young star, the Great Spirit sent a horrible wind to the planet of Polonious. The wind was so strong it began to rock the little planet. Polonious couldn't think of a way to stabilize his planet. So with a great crash, his planet fell out of orbit, and due to the weight on it, it fell with a great crash down to Earth. Polonious, knowing there was nothing he could do went to the Great Spirit and begged forgiveness.
"Forgive me, my dear mom's sister's grandfather's half-brother's second cousin-three-times-removed-by-marriage's cleaning lady's aunt's uncle's priest's chess partner's friend's friend stepmother's great aunt's stepson's pediatrician's third patient of December 12's cousins gas attendant teenage cousin! I was horrible wrong to challenge your powers."
Being the enlightened Great Spirit that he was, the Great Spirit grudgingly accepted the apology. They shook hands and agreed to be friends again. While lighting up cigars, they praised each other's clever plots and brilliant actions. Yet slowly, they realized they could not undo the damage of Polonious' small planet embedded into the Earth.
"But what shall we do with that bolder?" pondered the Great Spirit. He pondered for a moment and snapped his fingers. "I've got a theory."