Chapter 6: The Chapter That Shall Be Nameless Until I Think Of A Good Name
Guess who's back, back again, Enelya's back, tell a friend.... apologies for the appalling length of time it took me to post this chapter, but I do have a good excuse. I have been in various parts of Italy, France, Switzerland and Britain, all of which are very good but from this day forth I shall be known as The Jetlagged One. However, travel broadens the mind so they say and I've got new fanfic ideas coming left , right and centre. Watch out for new fanfics coming out in about, say, the next six months once I've caught up on all the homework I've missed in the past four weeks.
A special thanks to M'arevanye (hopefully I've spelt your name right), my one faithful reviewer who has reviewed ALL FIVE CHAPTERS! (Answering your question, I've never seen or eaten fizzy lifesavers, I just thought they would fit in nicely with the plot. Plus they're ring-shaped.) Anyways, this chapter's dedicated entirely to you.
Disclaimer: the joke near the end about Frodo and Arwen belongs to Mad magazine, I just thought that it would fit in nicely here.
A/N: for those of you who aren't Australian, bandaid = plaster, bandage, whatever you want to call it.
"Ooooooooooooooooooooowwww! Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaamm, it hurts!"
"I know it hurts Frodo, but aren't you being a bit overdramatic?"
"Frodo's a drama queen, Frodo's a drama queen!"
"Shut up Pippin, that's not helping. Now could you please go and see how Slider's going with his fire-dancing practice?"
"Can I wear the pink bunny tutu Mummy?"
"I don't care, just go."
Pippin's experience with the lifesaver-addicts had reduced his mental age to a 4-year-old girl's, but Sam still secretly agreed with his comment about Frodo being a drama queen. The pocketknife incident had been an accident, and the other three black riders had apologised most profusely, with claims that "he's never like this at home", and had even offered to give them a free horse ride to Rivendell. Merry and Pippin had been all for it, but Frodo hadn't stopped whining since the pocketknife incident and Sam didn't want to risk another fight between him and the other black rider, who had been sent to the corner in disgrace. So they had politely declined and found a cave lower down the hill to spend the night. Everyone in Team Hobbit that is except Slider, who had stayed behind to practice his fire- dancing.
"Sam, what if my finger doesn't get better, an' it gets infected, an' I get maggots in it, an', an' it goes all green and swollen an' I'll never be able to knit again an' I'll have to get it amputated an'...."
"Now Frodo, don't you think that you're exaggerating a bit?"
"But it hurts."
"I could break your leg to make you forget about your finger." Sam and Frodo turned around to stare at Merry. "What? It's just a suggestion."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Meanwhile, Pippin had gone to check on Slider, and found him sitting on a rock looking sulky. Pippin's brain also noted that there were no black rider dudes to be seen anywhere.
"Hey Slider, how you going?"
"Lousy."
"Oh."
"I hate those stupid black rider dudes."
"I think Frodo might have confirmed that fact."
"They don't like my fire-dancing. As soon as I started they ran off, and I even included a sword in it to impress them."
"Um....has it ever occurred to you that perhaps they don't like fire?"
"Not you too! I keep telling everyone that setting them on fire was a complete and total accident, but no you don't believe the drag queen ranger. You all hate me!" Slider wailed, blowing his nose on Pippin's tutu.
Pippin was about to say something kind and soothing to Slider when he noticed the state of his tutu. He thought of killing Slider. He thought of being praised and treated like a hero in Rivendell. Then he thought of being caught in drag and having no-one to blame it on. That settled it. The ranger would get to live. For now.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Frodo had been prevented from crying for Merry's, Sam's and his own well being, Pippin the Preschooler was more than they could handle already, the last thing they needed was another hobbit with the mental age of 3. However, just because he wasn't crying didn't mean that he wasn't complaining.
"Sam, I'm hungry."
"You can have something to eat once we get to Rivendell. Now, what sort of bandaid do you want?"
"What sorts are there?"
"You can have a Harry Potter bandaid or a High-5 bandaid." Sam didn't mention that he'd found some very strange bandaids in his pack that had pictures that might be intended to be hobbits, more specifically the four hobbits in this story, on them.
"Harry Potter please."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Walking to Rivendell from the Shire on a sunny day with a bunch of elves, lots of food and a complete and utter lack of anything evil trying to kill you can be a little stressful. Try it in the rain with four hobbits, two of whom have the brain capacity at this precise moment of a prawn sandwich, not to mention a drag queen ranger who's gone off on a sulk, while having to watch out for lifesaver-obsessed black riders with pocketknives and it's damn impossible. Frodo still being on a relatively high hyper because the affects of the fizzy lifesavers hadn't worn off yet was not helping matters in the slightest. Pippin and Slider were keeping very quiet on pain of death, since Sam was looking like the next one to speak would be force-fed poison. Merry, in possession of the map (i.e. the vaguest of vague directions as to where Rivendell was, given to them by one of the black riders, which had then been scrawled on the lifesaver wrapper) was trying to work out exactly which rainforest-covered valley they were in.
"Goddammit."
"What?"
"We've been here before."
"Why am I not surprised?"
"How do you know we've been here before? Most dripping wet forests look the same."
"Because that extremely lifelike statue of an elf woman was there the last time we came here."
"What extremely lifelike statue of an elf woman?"
"That one over there." Merry pointed.
"ARWEN!" Slider squealed happily, before running to the "statue" that was now moving, with a huge grin on his face not unlike the look seen on a five- year-old's face when they've discovered the hidden stash of Easter eggs a week early.
"Oh god it's you. I thought Daddy sent you away to live in Bree. Anyway, you're not allowed back."
Slider looked confused. "Why?"
"Remember last Christmas when you and Elladan and Elrohir flooded the house? And dyed Gildor's hair purple? And rigged the plumbing system so that vanilla coke came out of the taps instead of water? That's why you're not allowed back."
"Oh yeah." Slider had a silly grin on his face. "You should've seen the look on Gildor's face when he saw his hair."
"You should have seen the look on Daddy's face when he saw what you'd done. He's been in counseling sessions for the past six months."
Their conversation was interrupted by Pippin. "Are you an angel?"
"What?"
"An angel. They live on the moons somewhere I think, and they're the most beautiful creatures in the world."
"Uh Pippin....I think you've got the wrong script."
There was a brief pause as Pippin checked. "Sorry, I've got the script for the Phantom Menace here."
Frodo suddenly interrupted with strange ramblings, staring at Arwen. "They're so beautiful....so round and perfect....."
Arwen scowled. "Even though you're delusional and on fizzy lifesavers, I don't think you should talk about my lips that way."
"No, you dummy, I'm talking about those other two beauties...." Frodo swayed slightly.
"What?" Arwen screeched. "You dare to stare at my royal breasts?"
"No, I'm talking about your knees!" Frodo giggled. "Remember, I'm only four feet tall!"
"Right........"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Some time later........
"What are you doing?" Sam asked Arwen as she put Frodo on a horse and got up behind him.
"I'm getting away from poofy-ranger and for your sanity I'm taking the perverted delusional freak away too."
"Oh. That's nice of you."
"Think of it as part of the tour of Rivendell. You're welcome to leave Slider behind, the best way to knock him out cold is to challenge him to rollerskate down the hill and there's a lot of rocks at the bottom."
"Thanks. By the way, watch out for black rider dudes."
"Okay. Must run, Galadriel promised she'd show me how to braid my hair properly and I've got a bet on with Elladan that I can drink him under the table in an hour."
Guess who's back, back again, Enelya's back, tell a friend.... apologies for the appalling length of time it took me to post this chapter, but I do have a good excuse. I have been in various parts of Italy, France, Switzerland and Britain, all of which are very good but from this day forth I shall be known as The Jetlagged One. However, travel broadens the mind so they say and I've got new fanfic ideas coming left , right and centre. Watch out for new fanfics coming out in about, say, the next six months once I've caught up on all the homework I've missed in the past four weeks.
A special thanks to M'arevanye (hopefully I've spelt your name right), my one faithful reviewer who has reviewed ALL FIVE CHAPTERS! (Answering your question, I've never seen or eaten fizzy lifesavers, I just thought they would fit in nicely with the plot. Plus they're ring-shaped.) Anyways, this chapter's dedicated entirely to you.
Disclaimer: the joke near the end about Frodo and Arwen belongs to Mad magazine, I just thought that it would fit in nicely here.
A/N: for those of you who aren't Australian, bandaid = plaster, bandage, whatever you want to call it.
"Ooooooooooooooooooooowwww! Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaamm, it hurts!"
"I know it hurts Frodo, but aren't you being a bit overdramatic?"
"Frodo's a drama queen, Frodo's a drama queen!"
"Shut up Pippin, that's not helping. Now could you please go and see how Slider's going with his fire-dancing practice?"
"Can I wear the pink bunny tutu Mummy?"
"I don't care, just go."
Pippin's experience with the lifesaver-addicts had reduced his mental age to a 4-year-old girl's, but Sam still secretly agreed with his comment about Frodo being a drama queen. The pocketknife incident had been an accident, and the other three black riders had apologised most profusely, with claims that "he's never like this at home", and had even offered to give them a free horse ride to Rivendell. Merry and Pippin had been all for it, but Frodo hadn't stopped whining since the pocketknife incident and Sam didn't want to risk another fight between him and the other black rider, who had been sent to the corner in disgrace. So they had politely declined and found a cave lower down the hill to spend the night. Everyone in Team Hobbit that is except Slider, who had stayed behind to practice his fire- dancing.
"Sam, what if my finger doesn't get better, an' it gets infected, an' I get maggots in it, an', an' it goes all green and swollen an' I'll never be able to knit again an' I'll have to get it amputated an'...."
"Now Frodo, don't you think that you're exaggerating a bit?"
"But it hurts."
"I could break your leg to make you forget about your finger." Sam and Frodo turned around to stare at Merry. "What? It's just a suggestion."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Meanwhile, Pippin had gone to check on Slider, and found him sitting on a rock looking sulky. Pippin's brain also noted that there were no black rider dudes to be seen anywhere.
"Hey Slider, how you going?"
"Lousy."
"Oh."
"I hate those stupid black rider dudes."
"I think Frodo might have confirmed that fact."
"They don't like my fire-dancing. As soon as I started they ran off, and I even included a sword in it to impress them."
"Um....has it ever occurred to you that perhaps they don't like fire?"
"Not you too! I keep telling everyone that setting them on fire was a complete and total accident, but no you don't believe the drag queen ranger. You all hate me!" Slider wailed, blowing his nose on Pippin's tutu.
Pippin was about to say something kind and soothing to Slider when he noticed the state of his tutu. He thought of killing Slider. He thought of being praised and treated like a hero in Rivendell. Then he thought of being caught in drag and having no-one to blame it on. That settled it. The ranger would get to live. For now.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Frodo had been prevented from crying for Merry's, Sam's and his own well being, Pippin the Preschooler was more than they could handle already, the last thing they needed was another hobbit with the mental age of 3. However, just because he wasn't crying didn't mean that he wasn't complaining.
"Sam, I'm hungry."
"You can have something to eat once we get to Rivendell. Now, what sort of bandaid do you want?"
"What sorts are there?"
"You can have a Harry Potter bandaid or a High-5 bandaid." Sam didn't mention that he'd found some very strange bandaids in his pack that had pictures that might be intended to be hobbits, more specifically the four hobbits in this story, on them.
"Harry Potter please."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Walking to Rivendell from the Shire on a sunny day with a bunch of elves, lots of food and a complete and utter lack of anything evil trying to kill you can be a little stressful. Try it in the rain with four hobbits, two of whom have the brain capacity at this precise moment of a prawn sandwich, not to mention a drag queen ranger who's gone off on a sulk, while having to watch out for lifesaver-obsessed black riders with pocketknives and it's damn impossible. Frodo still being on a relatively high hyper because the affects of the fizzy lifesavers hadn't worn off yet was not helping matters in the slightest. Pippin and Slider were keeping very quiet on pain of death, since Sam was looking like the next one to speak would be force-fed poison. Merry, in possession of the map (i.e. the vaguest of vague directions as to where Rivendell was, given to them by one of the black riders, which had then been scrawled on the lifesaver wrapper) was trying to work out exactly which rainforest-covered valley they were in.
"Goddammit."
"What?"
"We've been here before."
"Why am I not surprised?"
"How do you know we've been here before? Most dripping wet forests look the same."
"Because that extremely lifelike statue of an elf woman was there the last time we came here."
"What extremely lifelike statue of an elf woman?"
"That one over there." Merry pointed.
"ARWEN!" Slider squealed happily, before running to the "statue" that was now moving, with a huge grin on his face not unlike the look seen on a five- year-old's face when they've discovered the hidden stash of Easter eggs a week early.
"Oh god it's you. I thought Daddy sent you away to live in Bree. Anyway, you're not allowed back."
Slider looked confused. "Why?"
"Remember last Christmas when you and Elladan and Elrohir flooded the house? And dyed Gildor's hair purple? And rigged the plumbing system so that vanilla coke came out of the taps instead of water? That's why you're not allowed back."
"Oh yeah." Slider had a silly grin on his face. "You should've seen the look on Gildor's face when he saw his hair."
"You should have seen the look on Daddy's face when he saw what you'd done. He's been in counseling sessions for the past six months."
Their conversation was interrupted by Pippin. "Are you an angel?"
"What?"
"An angel. They live on the moons somewhere I think, and they're the most beautiful creatures in the world."
"Uh Pippin....I think you've got the wrong script."
There was a brief pause as Pippin checked. "Sorry, I've got the script for the Phantom Menace here."
Frodo suddenly interrupted with strange ramblings, staring at Arwen. "They're so beautiful....so round and perfect....."
Arwen scowled. "Even though you're delusional and on fizzy lifesavers, I don't think you should talk about my lips that way."
"No, you dummy, I'm talking about those other two beauties...." Frodo swayed slightly.
"What?" Arwen screeched. "You dare to stare at my royal breasts?"
"No, I'm talking about your knees!" Frodo giggled. "Remember, I'm only four feet tall!"
"Right........"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Some time later........
"What are you doing?" Sam asked Arwen as she put Frodo on a horse and got up behind him.
"I'm getting away from poofy-ranger and for your sanity I'm taking the perverted delusional freak away too."
"Oh. That's nice of you."
"Think of it as part of the tour of Rivendell. You're welcome to leave Slider behind, the best way to knock him out cold is to challenge him to rollerskate down the hill and there's a lot of rocks at the bottom."
"Thanks. By the way, watch out for black rider dudes."
"Okay. Must run, Galadriel promised she'd show me how to braid my hair properly and I've got a bet on with Elladan that I can drink him under the table in an hour."