Alright, I admit it's taken me an appalling amount of time to update, I've
been busy writing How to teach a Dwarf to swim and other things, and a lot
of people liked that so I decided to keep them happy. And that fanfic's got
68 reviews at present, as opposed to the 8 reviews this one's got. You
don't need to be the next Einstein to work out which one's more popular.
On the other hand, thankyou to the two new people who have reviewed this fanfic, here's a little note:
Shieldmaiden: it's the funniest fic you've read yet? I'm honoured. I agree that the thing about Arwen's beautiful knees was a bit weird, but it fitted and I would like to point out that I didn't make up that joke, I got it out of a Mad magazine. I won't say any more.
Mendora, Queen of Fire: Slider is a mascot? I had no idea! Wow, he's famous, hopefully for the right reasons. He sounds funny. Are you getting bad mental images or good mental images? If good, good, if bad then I take no responsibility for any damage sustained to animals or property, but your mind probably doesn't come under either of those categories. Send all the flames you want, it's cold in here. I need the heat.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 7: The Sleepover of Elrond
Frodo woke up, and immediately wished he hadn't. He had a splitting headache, which could have come from several things: being stabbed by the black rider's pocketknife, being forcefully taken on an extended pony ride by Arwen, the aftermath of witnessing Slider's karaoke, or the lingering side-effects of the fizzy lifesavers. He winced with the thought. If he hadn't eaten so many lifesavers he might not have this headache......
He could also hear some very strange music, what sounded like a mixture of Justin Timberlake....... and Atomic Kitten. Being sung along to by someone horribly off-key. He knew that voice. There was only one being warped enough to attempt to sing along to "Cry Me A River". A ranger. Slider.
Frodo decided to go back to sleep.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He woke up again several hours later. Thankfully, the Justin Timberlake music had been turned off and was now replaced by one of those CDs that have the sounds of bird calls and running water and ocean waves, etc.
"Frodo! How you doing, man?" Gandalf appeared to have come out of thin air.
"Eeeeeeeep!" shrieked Frodo. And promptly passed into a faint from surprise. Then, "Don't sneak up on me like that!" about half an hour later when Gandalf had managed to wake him up again.
"Sorry."
"That's okay."
"Frodo!" Merry and Pippin appeared in the doorway. "So glad you're finally awake, the party's been absolutely smashing but it's just not the same without the Awesome Foursome!"
"Huh?"
"Oh, don't you know? We're now officially the Awesome Foursome, we made it up a little while ago! Now come on, you've simply got to meet some people or otherwise everybody will think you're some sort of introvert, hiding in your room like that!"
Frodo was about to protest that he'd been in a coma for god knows how long, but was cut off by another strange rant by his now-strange friends.
"Ooooooooh look Merry, there's that Mirkwood chap Arwen said would show us how to colour-code our socks! Simply must go and talk to him, see you later Frodo darling, byeeeeeeeeeee!" They swept out of the room in a whirl of strange sparkly clothes and even stranger perfume. Frodo and Gandalf sat in shock for several minutes.
"All right, what on earth was all that about?" Frodo could tell even before he said it that he didn't want to know.
"Er.........I'll go and get Sam, he can explain it better."
"What do you mean he can explain it better?"
"Well.........it's been going on for quite a while and I only got here last week."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sam appeared without further ado, and seeing the look on Frodo's face decided that a nice cup of tea was needed. The drink was dutifully made and drunk and Frodo was looking curious without the shock mixed with at-a- complete-loss-for-words-and-unable-to-defend-oneself-against-any-sort-of- strange-and-completely-ghastly-ideas-for-boredom-fighting-activities horror. (AN: if there was a word to describe all of that I'd use it, but since there isn't I'm sticking with my version. However, I am open to suggestions as to what this elusive word might actually be. Send me your ideas.)
Anyways, after that strange collection of words and explanations, we can get back to the fanfic. The tea drinking had progressed on and Frodo was sipping a cup of Earl Grey (for emotional support) as Sam told him the events that had led up to The Change with Merry and Pippin.
"I'm not quite sure exactly when it started, but it was sometime before last autumn when I think I went out berry-picking with Bill." (AN: Bill is the pony they took with them.)
"Last autumn?" Frodo was in shock. "Exactly how long have I been in this coma for?"
Sam frowned. "Well, I'm not quite sure of the exact time because we stopped counting after day 467. That was about three weeks ago."
"So then I've been in a coma for.........." there was considerably lengthy pause as Frodo rummaged around in his backpack, found his calculator and did the sum, "488 days! I think that's a world record! Quick! Somebody call those Guinness Book people!"
"We can do that later, do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"
"Oh. Yes. Of course." Frodo stopped what he was doing (which was frantically looking for the phone even though there wasn't one in his bedroom [this was only a 91/2 star Elvish hotel room, of course] and went back to his cup of Earl Grey.
"Yes, I think that's when they started acting so..........."
"Gay?" suggested Frodo.
"No, that's not really the right word because they're not really, well, all over each other, if you know what I mean."
"I know exactly what you mean and I'm wishing right now that I didn't, because I'm getting the most horrible mental images." Frodo began to hyperventilate.
"Whoa, stay calm Frodo!" cried Sam. "Just breathe in," Frodo took a shaky breath, "And out, and in again, and out. And have some more tea."
"Th-th-thanks Sam."
"Well we can't having you dying in the middle of a party, can we?"
"So yeah, back to the story."
"Hmmm? Oh yes, I was trying to find a word to describe them..........not gay............camp! I think that's it. Yes, it was camp."
"I'm not sure which one's worse. How do you reckon they got like this?"
"It could have been anything, Elves, lifesavers, the black riders, tea, this bread stuff they've managed to get their hands on called lembas, a mind-boggling amount of alcohol, just about anything."
Just then voices could be heard outside the bedroom. They appeared to belong to Merry, Pippin and somebody Frodo didn't know, although from the conversation he assumed it was an Elf.
"Perry, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, you're just not a Summer!"
"He's not Perry, I am!"
"Then who on earth am I?"
"You're Mippin!"
"Oh yeah, of course!"
"Yah, whatever. As I was saying, Perry-"
"I'm Mippin!"
"Then where on earth is Perry?"
"Here!"
"But I thought you where Mippin!"
"For the last ruddy time, I'm Perry and he's Mippin!"
"Alright. Alright. I'm terribly sorry that I get you two mixed up, but that's what you should expect if you're going to dress like twins. Now Perry, I've analysed your eye and hair colour, skin tone, etc, and it's perfectly obvious that you're a Spring through and through."
"But I want to be a Summer!"
"I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen. Get over it."
"But.......but........"
"Don't worry, there's plenty of options for socks in Spring colours."
"Showme! Showmeshowmeshowme!"
"Alright, look, I'm sure there's some around here somewhere.........." the voices drifted away.
Frodo looked at Sam. "Did we just hear a conversation about matching socks to your skin tone?"
"I hate to admit it, but I think that's correct."
"This calls for some serious therapy. I think we need some more tea. A lot more tea."
"Yes. That's a very good idea. I'll go put the kettle on again, you see if there's any Lime and Ginseng left."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Five English Breakfasts, two Lapsangs and half a cup of Chamomile and Spearmint later, Frodo and Sam decided that they were relaxed enough to brave the rest of Rivendell in full party mode. That, and they needed to find a bathroom.
They wandered through many twisting corridors before they found what seemed to be the main party room, and seeing that there was no sign Merry and Pippin, decided to go down and get a drink. They'd only just got to the buffet table when Gandalf appeared seemingly out of nowhere, grabbed them both, and disappeared seemingly into nowhere. They found themselves in a dimly-lit passageway.
"Cool! A secret passage!" Sam and Frodo were considerably excited because you don't come across many secret passages in the Shire, and even if you do they usually lead to somewhere completely normal and boring. Such as a field just when they need more people to plant the crops and do work.
"Shhhhhhh! This is one of the not-so-secret ones. There's more secret and not-so-secret passages in this place than all the hot dinners you've ever had." (Which, considering how much hobbits eat, is quite a mind-boggling amount.)
"Where are we going?"
"Can't tell you right now. Secret."
"Are there bathrooms where we're going?"
"Yes, of course. Come on."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Gandalf led them through too many passages, corridors, halls, antechambers, vestibules, lobbies and foyers to count, a lot of them twisting and turning, so by the time he stopped Frodo and Sam were extremely dizzy.
Gandalf stopped in front of a painting of a dragon sleeping on top of a heap of treasure and knocked. The door opened slightly and an Elf poked his head out. At least they thought it was a he. Elves were so strange it could have just been an ugly female Elf.
"Password?" asked the Elf.
Gandalf sighed. "Elrond, it's me."
Pause.
"Gandalf."
"I don't know that unless you say the password. You three could be Slider, Merry and Pippin in disguise."
"Ok, ok. Death to the camp ranger and hobbits."
"I'll think about it."
"I've said the sodding password, now let us in!"
"Oh, alright." Elrond opened the door wider and let them in. Frodo and Sam found themselves in a room with a lot of strange people, but they didn't notice at first since they were busy making a dash for the bathroom.
They came out again and noticed what was going on, everybody appeared to be sitting around in a circle in various stages of being drunk. What was strange was that there appeared to be Dwarves and Men there as well as a lot of Elves. Frodo was looking around and trying to decide where to sit when he noticed a hobbit sitting near Elrond. One that looked very familiar.
"Bilbo!" said Frodo.
"Frodo!" said Bilbo. "And Sam! Come and sit down and have a drink, you two look like you've seen a ghost."
"No, we've seen something a lot worse."
"Oh yes I heard about that. Stupid black rider dudes."
"Er..........I was actually talking about Merry and Pippin and Slider."
"Yes, that too."
The next hour or so passed away quite happily, mainly because they had access to large amounts of pipeweed, alcohol and Adults Only Lembas (TM). Then everybody decided they were sufficiently drunk and hyper enough to find out exactly why they had all been brought there, through various secret passages.
Elrond tapped the side of a wine bottle for attention, tried to stand up, gave up because the amount of alcohol he'd consumed was making him have problems with the concept of "vertical", and settled for looking suitably troubled. Or as troubled as you can look when you're drunk on alcohol AND Adults Only Lembas.
"Strange peoples from, hehe, distant lands, you have been summoned here to help us deal with a most horrible problem." Elrond suddenly turned very serious. "As you all know, there is a terrible threat right here in Rivendell!"
There was a very tense silence. Then everybody started making mostly wildly inaccurate guesses.
"Black rider dudes?"
"Dark Lords?"
"Evil rings?"
"Frilly shirts for men?"
"Britney Spears?" (AN: yes, I am aware that I've bagged Britney Spears before, but I just can't help myself. You'll have to put up with it.)
"No, no, no, although those are all reasonably serious threats, I'm not talking about those." Expectant pause. "I am talking........" dramatic pause, "About the drag queen ranger and his newly enlisted hobbit friends!" Boos and hisses, and general nastiness. "As you are all probably aware, Slider has been a nuisance since the day he was born, he's gone all over the place frightening people with karaoke and horrible dancing, and he must be stopped!"
Everybody else made various supportive noises. Then the suggestions came pouring in.
"Burn them!"
"Decapitate them!"
"Make them wash their hair!"
"Make them listen to Celine Dion music for all eternity!"
"That won't work, he likes Celine Dion!"
"Who?"
"Slider!"
"Damn!"
Then someone came up with the prizewinner, "Send them to Mordor and throw them into the volcano!"
Silence.
"Sorry, it just slipped out."
"Hey no wait." Elrond was look thoughtful. "That could work."
"Really? I was just joking."
"Well, that was a very good joke."
"Let's do it!" People began cheering. Gandalf suddenly tapped his wine bottle and voiced a few problems.
"That sounds like a great plan, but how exactly are we going to get them there?"
Elrond frowned. "We need somebody to persuade them to go to Mordor, and be trusted not to tell them anything. One of you must do this."
The room went very quiet. Then Frodo, who had been out of it for a while, suddenly realised what was going on. He stood up and began to talk to them rather angrily. "Slider, Merry and Pippin might be annoying at times, but does it really have to come to this? We take them to Mordor? Are you suggesting we lead them to their deaths?"
"Would you miss them?" somebody piped up.
Frodo considered this for a few minutes. He had considered Merry and Pippin to be his friends, but that was strictly before they started acting all camp. And Slider. He didn't even want to begin thinking about Slider. Did he really want to have to put up with Merry and Pippin at least for the rest of his life? The short answer was-
"No, not really."
"Good. But that still doesn't solve the problem of who's going to actually get them there."
"Oh I will, I don't mind." Now that Frodo had decided that he didn't care about them anymore he was quite happy to go along with this little scheme.
"I'm coming with you Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.
"Why Sam?"
"Because 1) I'm you're loyal servant and you're going to need me to cook for you, and 2) you made me promise to come with you if you ever decided to go off on a scary quest thing with absolutely no hope of coming back alive."
"Did I?"
"Yes."
"Then I suppose you do have to come with me."
"Yes."
"I'm coming too!"
"Really Gandalf?"
"Of course. I need to get some exercise."
"Ok, anybody else want to come?" Silence. "Anybody?" Frodo asked again more desperately.
"Oh alright, we'll come." A man, a Dwarf and an Elf put up their hands. Frodo noticed something familiar about the Elf. "Hey, aren't you the one that was helping Merry and Pippin colour-code their socks?"
"I was helping them. Not any more. They've gone totally against my advice and decided that they're both Autumns and I will have nothing more to do with them." The Elf looked like he was holding back either tears or screams (or both) so they hastily fed him liberal amounts of Adults Only Lembas and some nice herbal tea.
"Cool. Let's go then everybody."
"Hey wait, you guys need a name."
"That's a good idea. What do you think we should be called?"
"The Spam Drinkers!"
"The Psychotic Bunny Rabbits!"
"The Banana People from Outer Space!"
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Frodo turned to the group. "Any of those appeal to you?"
"God no," they all said together.
"I've got it!" Elrond paused for dramatic effect. "You shall be known as The Fellowship of the Ring!"
"But this quest isn't about rings, it's about killing drag queen rangers and camp hobbits."
Elrond sighed. "Fine, you shall be known as The Fellowship of the........er........"
Sam suddenly piped up. "The spoon!"
Elrond snapped onto it. "Yes! From this day forth, you shall be known as The Fellowship of the Spoon!"
And there was much rejoicing.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm very aware that I may beat the world record for the number of flames received for one fanfic chapter by enraged fangirls for the characterisation of Merry and Pippin. Send all the flames you want, as I said before I'm cold and I need the heat. Don't sue because 1) you don't know where I live, 2) I have exactly $1.45 in the entire world, and 3) you can't get blood from a toaster.
I said, burr, it's cold in here, I said there must be some.....er......things in the atmosphere! I said o-e-o-e-o, ice, ice, ice, o-e-o-e-o, ice, ice, ice.........
Luv from yours truly, enelya.
PS. I was aiming for a sort of Bridget Jone's mother, in the book or movie (or both), for the characterisation of Merry and Pippin. Aiming is the operative word here, so hopefully you're not confused anymore and wondering what the hell I'm talking about.
On the other hand, thankyou to the two new people who have reviewed this fanfic, here's a little note:
Shieldmaiden: it's the funniest fic you've read yet? I'm honoured. I agree that the thing about Arwen's beautiful knees was a bit weird, but it fitted and I would like to point out that I didn't make up that joke, I got it out of a Mad magazine. I won't say any more.
Mendora, Queen of Fire: Slider is a mascot? I had no idea! Wow, he's famous, hopefully for the right reasons. He sounds funny. Are you getting bad mental images or good mental images? If good, good, if bad then I take no responsibility for any damage sustained to animals or property, but your mind probably doesn't come under either of those categories. Send all the flames you want, it's cold in here. I need the heat.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 7: The Sleepover of Elrond
Frodo woke up, and immediately wished he hadn't. He had a splitting headache, which could have come from several things: being stabbed by the black rider's pocketknife, being forcefully taken on an extended pony ride by Arwen, the aftermath of witnessing Slider's karaoke, or the lingering side-effects of the fizzy lifesavers. He winced with the thought. If he hadn't eaten so many lifesavers he might not have this headache......
He could also hear some very strange music, what sounded like a mixture of Justin Timberlake....... and Atomic Kitten. Being sung along to by someone horribly off-key. He knew that voice. There was only one being warped enough to attempt to sing along to "Cry Me A River". A ranger. Slider.
Frodo decided to go back to sleep.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He woke up again several hours later. Thankfully, the Justin Timberlake music had been turned off and was now replaced by one of those CDs that have the sounds of bird calls and running water and ocean waves, etc.
"Frodo! How you doing, man?" Gandalf appeared to have come out of thin air.
"Eeeeeeeep!" shrieked Frodo. And promptly passed into a faint from surprise. Then, "Don't sneak up on me like that!" about half an hour later when Gandalf had managed to wake him up again.
"Sorry."
"That's okay."
"Frodo!" Merry and Pippin appeared in the doorway. "So glad you're finally awake, the party's been absolutely smashing but it's just not the same without the Awesome Foursome!"
"Huh?"
"Oh, don't you know? We're now officially the Awesome Foursome, we made it up a little while ago! Now come on, you've simply got to meet some people or otherwise everybody will think you're some sort of introvert, hiding in your room like that!"
Frodo was about to protest that he'd been in a coma for god knows how long, but was cut off by another strange rant by his now-strange friends.
"Ooooooooh look Merry, there's that Mirkwood chap Arwen said would show us how to colour-code our socks! Simply must go and talk to him, see you later Frodo darling, byeeeeeeeeeee!" They swept out of the room in a whirl of strange sparkly clothes and even stranger perfume. Frodo and Gandalf sat in shock for several minutes.
"All right, what on earth was all that about?" Frodo could tell even before he said it that he didn't want to know.
"Er.........I'll go and get Sam, he can explain it better."
"What do you mean he can explain it better?"
"Well.........it's been going on for quite a while and I only got here last week."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sam appeared without further ado, and seeing the look on Frodo's face decided that a nice cup of tea was needed. The drink was dutifully made and drunk and Frodo was looking curious without the shock mixed with at-a- complete-loss-for-words-and-unable-to-defend-oneself-against-any-sort-of- strange-and-completely-ghastly-ideas-for-boredom-fighting-activities horror. (AN: if there was a word to describe all of that I'd use it, but since there isn't I'm sticking with my version. However, I am open to suggestions as to what this elusive word might actually be. Send me your ideas.)
Anyways, after that strange collection of words and explanations, we can get back to the fanfic. The tea drinking had progressed on and Frodo was sipping a cup of Earl Grey (for emotional support) as Sam told him the events that had led up to The Change with Merry and Pippin.
"I'm not quite sure exactly when it started, but it was sometime before last autumn when I think I went out berry-picking with Bill." (AN: Bill is the pony they took with them.)
"Last autumn?" Frodo was in shock. "Exactly how long have I been in this coma for?"
Sam frowned. "Well, I'm not quite sure of the exact time because we stopped counting after day 467. That was about three weeks ago."
"So then I've been in a coma for.........." there was considerably lengthy pause as Frodo rummaged around in his backpack, found his calculator and did the sum, "488 days! I think that's a world record! Quick! Somebody call those Guinness Book people!"
"We can do that later, do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"
"Oh. Yes. Of course." Frodo stopped what he was doing (which was frantically looking for the phone even though there wasn't one in his bedroom [this was only a 91/2 star Elvish hotel room, of course] and went back to his cup of Earl Grey.
"Yes, I think that's when they started acting so..........."
"Gay?" suggested Frodo.
"No, that's not really the right word because they're not really, well, all over each other, if you know what I mean."
"I know exactly what you mean and I'm wishing right now that I didn't, because I'm getting the most horrible mental images." Frodo began to hyperventilate.
"Whoa, stay calm Frodo!" cried Sam. "Just breathe in," Frodo took a shaky breath, "And out, and in again, and out. And have some more tea."
"Th-th-thanks Sam."
"Well we can't having you dying in the middle of a party, can we?"
"So yeah, back to the story."
"Hmmm? Oh yes, I was trying to find a word to describe them..........not gay............camp! I think that's it. Yes, it was camp."
"I'm not sure which one's worse. How do you reckon they got like this?"
"It could have been anything, Elves, lifesavers, the black riders, tea, this bread stuff they've managed to get their hands on called lembas, a mind-boggling amount of alcohol, just about anything."
Just then voices could be heard outside the bedroom. They appeared to belong to Merry, Pippin and somebody Frodo didn't know, although from the conversation he assumed it was an Elf.
"Perry, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, you're just not a Summer!"
"He's not Perry, I am!"
"Then who on earth am I?"
"You're Mippin!"
"Oh yeah, of course!"
"Yah, whatever. As I was saying, Perry-"
"I'm Mippin!"
"Then where on earth is Perry?"
"Here!"
"But I thought you where Mippin!"
"For the last ruddy time, I'm Perry and he's Mippin!"
"Alright. Alright. I'm terribly sorry that I get you two mixed up, but that's what you should expect if you're going to dress like twins. Now Perry, I've analysed your eye and hair colour, skin tone, etc, and it's perfectly obvious that you're a Spring through and through."
"But I want to be a Summer!"
"I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen. Get over it."
"But.......but........"
"Don't worry, there's plenty of options for socks in Spring colours."
"Showme! Showmeshowmeshowme!"
"Alright, look, I'm sure there's some around here somewhere.........." the voices drifted away.
Frodo looked at Sam. "Did we just hear a conversation about matching socks to your skin tone?"
"I hate to admit it, but I think that's correct."
"This calls for some serious therapy. I think we need some more tea. A lot more tea."
"Yes. That's a very good idea. I'll go put the kettle on again, you see if there's any Lime and Ginseng left."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Five English Breakfasts, two Lapsangs and half a cup of Chamomile and Spearmint later, Frodo and Sam decided that they were relaxed enough to brave the rest of Rivendell in full party mode. That, and they needed to find a bathroom.
They wandered through many twisting corridors before they found what seemed to be the main party room, and seeing that there was no sign Merry and Pippin, decided to go down and get a drink. They'd only just got to the buffet table when Gandalf appeared seemingly out of nowhere, grabbed them both, and disappeared seemingly into nowhere. They found themselves in a dimly-lit passageway.
"Cool! A secret passage!" Sam and Frodo were considerably excited because you don't come across many secret passages in the Shire, and even if you do they usually lead to somewhere completely normal and boring. Such as a field just when they need more people to plant the crops and do work.
"Shhhhhhh! This is one of the not-so-secret ones. There's more secret and not-so-secret passages in this place than all the hot dinners you've ever had." (Which, considering how much hobbits eat, is quite a mind-boggling amount.)
"Where are we going?"
"Can't tell you right now. Secret."
"Are there bathrooms where we're going?"
"Yes, of course. Come on."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Gandalf led them through too many passages, corridors, halls, antechambers, vestibules, lobbies and foyers to count, a lot of them twisting and turning, so by the time he stopped Frodo and Sam were extremely dizzy.
Gandalf stopped in front of a painting of a dragon sleeping on top of a heap of treasure and knocked. The door opened slightly and an Elf poked his head out. At least they thought it was a he. Elves were so strange it could have just been an ugly female Elf.
"Password?" asked the Elf.
Gandalf sighed. "Elrond, it's me."
Pause.
"Gandalf."
"I don't know that unless you say the password. You three could be Slider, Merry and Pippin in disguise."
"Ok, ok. Death to the camp ranger and hobbits."
"I'll think about it."
"I've said the sodding password, now let us in!"
"Oh, alright." Elrond opened the door wider and let them in. Frodo and Sam found themselves in a room with a lot of strange people, but they didn't notice at first since they were busy making a dash for the bathroom.
They came out again and noticed what was going on, everybody appeared to be sitting around in a circle in various stages of being drunk. What was strange was that there appeared to be Dwarves and Men there as well as a lot of Elves. Frodo was looking around and trying to decide where to sit when he noticed a hobbit sitting near Elrond. One that looked very familiar.
"Bilbo!" said Frodo.
"Frodo!" said Bilbo. "And Sam! Come and sit down and have a drink, you two look like you've seen a ghost."
"No, we've seen something a lot worse."
"Oh yes I heard about that. Stupid black rider dudes."
"Er..........I was actually talking about Merry and Pippin and Slider."
"Yes, that too."
The next hour or so passed away quite happily, mainly because they had access to large amounts of pipeweed, alcohol and Adults Only Lembas (TM). Then everybody decided they were sufficiently drunk and hyper enough to find out exactly why they had all been brought there, through various secret passages.
Elrond tapped the side of a wine bottle for attention, tried to stand up, gave up because the amount of alcohol he'd consumed was making him have problems with the concept of "vertical", and settled for looking suitably troubled. Or as troubled as you can look when you're drunk on alcohol AND Adults Only Lembas.
"Strange peoples from, hehe, distant lands, you have been summoned here to help us deal with a most horrible problem." Elrond suddenly turned very serious. "As you all know, there is a terrible threat right here in Rivendell!"
There was a very tense silence. Then everybody started making mostly wildly inaccurate guesses.
"Black rider dudes?"
"Dark Lords?"
"Evil rings?"
"Frilly shirts for men?"
"Britney Spears?" (AN: yes, I am aware that I've bagged Britney Spears before, but I just can't help myself. You'll have to put up with it.)
"No, no, no, although those are all reasonably serious threats, I'm not talking about those." Expectant pause. "I am talking........" dramatic pause, "About the drag queen ranger and his newly enlisted hobbit friends!" Boos and hisses, and general nastiness. "As you are all probably aware, Slider has been a nuisance since the day he was born, he's gone all over the place frightening people with karaoke and horrible dancing, and he must be stopped!"
Everybody else made various supportive noises. Then the suggestions came pouring in.
"Burn them!"
"Decapitate them!"
"Make them wash their hair!"
"Make them listen to Celine Dion music for all eternity!"
"That won't work, he likes Celine Dion!"
"Who?"
"Slider!"
"Damn!"
Then someone came up with the prizewinner, "Send them to Mordor and throw them into the volcano!"
Silence.
"Sorry, it just slipped out."
"Hey no wait." Elrond was look thoughtful. "That could work."
"Really? I was just joking."
"Well, that was a very good joke."
"Let's do it!" People began cheering. Gandalf suddenly tapped his wine bottle and voiced a few problems.
"That sounds like a great plan, but how exactly are we going to get them there?"
Elrond frowned. "We need somebody to persuade them to go to Mordor, and be trusted not to tell them anything. One of you must do this."
The room went very quiet. Then Frodo, who had been out of it for a while, suddenly realised what was going on. He stood up and began to talk to them rather angrily. "Slider, Merry and Pippin might be annoying at times, but does it really have to come to this? We take them to Mordor? Are you suggesting we lead them to their deaths?"
"Would you miss them?" somebody piped up.
Frodo considered this for a few minutes. He had considered Merry and Pippin to be his friends, but that was strictly before they started acting all camp. And Slider. He didn't even want to begin thinking about Slider. Did he really want to have to put up with Merry and Pippin at least for the rest of his life? The short answer was-
"No, not really."
"Good. But that still doesn't solve the problem of who's going to actually get them there."
"Oh I will, I don't mind." Now that Frodo had decided that he didn't care about them anymore he was quite happy to go along with this little scheme.
"I'm coming with you Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.
"Why Sam?"
"Because 1) I'm you're loyal servant and you're going to need me to cook for you, and 2) you made me promise to come with you if you ever decided to go off on a scary quest thing with absolutely no hope of coming back alive."
"Did I?"
"Yes."
"Then I suppose you do have to come with me."
"Yes."
"I'm coming too!"
"Really Gandalf?"
"Of course. I need to get some exercise."
"Ok, anybody else want to come?" Silence. "Anybody?" Frodo asked again more desperately.
"Oh alright, we'll come." A man, a Dwarf and an Elf put up their hands. Frodo noticed something familiar about the Elf. "Hey, aren't you the one that was helping Merry and Pippin colour-code their socks?"
"I was helping them. Not any more. They've gone totally against my advice and decided that they're both Autumns and I will have nothing more to do with them." The Elf looked like he was holding back either tears or screams (or both) so they hastily fed him liberal amounts of Adults Only Lembas and some nice herbal tea.
"Cool. Let's go then everybody."
"Hey wait, you guys need a name."
"That's a good idea. What do you think we should be called?"
"The Spam Drinkers!"
"The Psychotic Bunny Rabbits!"
"The Banana People from Outer Space!"
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Frodo turned to the group. "Any of those appeal to you?"
"God no," they all said together.
"I've got it!" Elrond paused for dramatic effect. "You shall be known as The Fellowship of the Ring!"
"But this quest isn't about rings, it's about killing drag queen rangers and camp hobbits."
Elrond sighed. "Fine, you shall be known as The Fellowship of the........er........"
Sam suddenly piped up. "The spoon!"
Elrond snapped onto it. "Yes! From this day forth, you shall be known as The Fellowship of the Spoon!"
And there was much rejoicing.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm very aware that I may beat the world record for the number of flames received for one fanfic chapter by enraged fangirls for the characterisation of Merry and Pippin. Send all the flames you want, as I said before I'm cold and I need the heat. Don't sue because 1) you don't know where I live, 2) I have exactly $1.45 in the entire world, and 3) you can't get blood from a toaster.
I said, burr, it's cold in here, I said there must be some.....er......things in the atmosphere! I said o-e-o-e-o, ice, ice, ice, o-e-o-e-o, ice, ice, ice.........
Luv from yours truly, enelya.
PS. I was aiming for a sort of Bridget Jone's mother, in the book or movie (or both), for the characterisation of Merry and Pippin. Aiming is the operative word here, so hopefully you're not confused anymore and wondering what the hell I'm talking about.