00Pervert
Co-written by:
Liss, Pipsy, Nimsy, & Kat
Note: As you may know, James Bond, aka 007, is a pervert. We came up with this story to express how much we are disgusted with him. So please, sit back, relax, and read this true, heart-felt story of how us girls get back at that revolting womanizer.
Disclaimer: James Bond is not ours! The tunes "Bad Boys" and "Poor Unfortunate Soul" belong to their movies, and not to us! So there.
James Bond is on a secret mission in the heights of the Andes Mountains. He must locate and retrieve a set of ancient pantyhose, spun of gold, that were stolen from the Ancient Pantyhose Museum of Tibet. He trudges through the snow wrap in a fluffy mink coat (white) that he picked up off his latest victim.
Bond: I hope that this coat doesn't make me look fat. I have to look nice for the ladies (cocks eyebrow).
Bond is making his way to the lair of the evil K.G. Boxer (cue evil music: BUM, Bum, BUM!). K.G and his evil sidekick, Virgil, plot to steal all the ancient hosiery available to fulfill their pleasure of wearing pantyhose.
Bond: Hark! The facility lies just over yonder hill. I must depart and speed away to rescue the golden panties!
Bond enters the facility through an open air duct on the side. There was an unguarded door in the front, but as always, he had to chose the hard way.
James: (panting desperately) Gah! Must….make…..flashy……entrance!
Bond crawls through the duct until he finds an open vent board with of course, a women changing below. This woman, Helga Buff, appears to be one of his many past victims.
Helga: (Gasp) What was the noise?
Bond: Huba Huba! (Shifts to get a better view and absently leans too hard against the vent grate. Bond gives a high-pitched (but still manly) squeal and tumbles out of the vent and down onto the bedroom floor)
Helga: James! Is that you?
James: Ouch!!!! Oh...I broke a nail.
Helga: Of course it's you. You can never land on your feet. James, I have something very important to tell you. (pauses) James, I'm pregnant.
James: (GASP) Not again!
Helga: (alarmed) What do you mean not again?
James: Uh…nothing sweetie pie.
Helga: What will we do, James?
James: There's always adoption.
Helga: Oh James, I'm serious here!
James: So was I.
Helga: You heartless monster!!
James: Not now, you windbag, I must go retrieve the ancient golden pantyhose. (pauses) By the way, what are you doing here the heights of the Andes Mountains?
Helga: Umm…..I come here every winter. But you wouldn't know that, would you, since you left me for another woman?
James: Oh, that's right. That was two months ago…with Nancy…or Bertha…or maybe that was Mildred?
Helga: What in tarnation???
James: Uh….gotta blast! (At that very instant, he jumps up and fires the jet back on his back for a quick escape….but misscalculates the angle and runs into a rafter. After a brief moment of recovery, he continues and blasts through the sunroof above with stars in his eyes.
James: (delirious) Birrrrrd Man!
Helga: (shaking her fist) James, you deadbeat, get back here!
James: Sorry, toots, I gotta go save a set of golden spun ancient pantyhose from an evil, twisted, gender maniac.
James makes his way down another air duct, free of past girlfriends. He drops into a side hallway, suspiciously devoid of guards. He sneaks to the end of the hall and stares up at the big safe before him.
James: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire what a big door.
Suddenly, he hears a soft voice from behind and above him.
Voice: Bigger than you might think.
James: What? Who said that? Come and fight like a man!
The team WAW (also known as Women Against Womenizers) drops down from the ceiling on their grappling guns. The same individual that had spoken before, a tall woman with her long brown hair flowing free about her shoulders, dislodges her grapple from the ceiling and secures it in her belt.
Bond: Holy toleto! Who are you?
Woman: Not that it's any of your business, Mr. Bond…but we are the W.A.W. Moneypenny gave us a ring after she sent you on this mission.
Bond: (incredulously) What?! She doesn't trust me anymore?
The other three women beside her snort behind their hands. The girl nearest to him, a willowy woman with her long scarlet hair pulled into a high bun, rolls her eyes and sighs.
Woman: Your reputation precedes you, Mr. Bond. These are my colleagues, Agent Jaime O (indicates woman that first spoke—or, the Looks), Agent Crunch (the Muscle), and Agent Sweet Thang (the dumb blonde without the blonde, used as a distraction). My own code is 006 ¾, or Agent Honeybuns (the Brains).
Crunch: We were sent by Agent Moneypenny and our own Barely Townsend to make sure you didn't get into trouble.
Bond: …Barely Townsend?
Honeybuns: Charlie's brother. Ever heard of the Angels?
Bond: Er…
Jaime O: Anyway, we're here to make sure you don't stir up and trouble.
Bond: Trouble?! What kind of trouble?!
Sweet Thang: You know what we mean, sweet cakes! (Winks thickly. All stare at her.)
Jaime O: She's only here because Barley's her uncle.
Honeybuns: (whispers) Angel's reject, you know…she gets touchy about the subject.
Bond: Oh, I see…(cue the infamous Bond eyebrow). Care for an escort, ladies?
Honeybuns: We have one. (She steps aside to reveal the one and only…Simon Cowell!)
Simon: (in his fussy, arrogant tone) Mr. Bond, you proceed to give Britain a bad name even as we speak!
Jaime O, continuing to speak over the ranting Mr. Cowell: He's excellent for warding off anyone without a shred of confidence. Tears them right down, doesn't he?
All in agreement: Sure does!
Crunch: Now, Mr. Bond… Have you caused any trouble today?
Sweet Thang: Of course he has!
Bond: (moving closer with a glimmer in his eyes) Actually, I haven't…not one thing.
Jaime O: No pregnant women? No HIV or syphilis?
Bond: Eh…of course not!
Helga stumbles in clutching her swollen abdomen. She shoots an evil glare at Bond and begins to wail.
Helga: Oh, my poor baby! How will I feed him!—or her—and clothe him!—or her—
Crunch: Ah ha! Pregnancy!
Jaime O: You lie!
Honeybuns: Take him away, Simon!
Simon, who is still spewing numerous insults, takes Bond and latches his hands behind his back.
Bond: What?! I can't be arrested! I have more women to woo!
Simon: Your wooing days are over, buddy!
Bond: (squealing to the WAW as Simon leads him out of the facility) No, wait! Did it hurt?
Sweet Thang: What?
Bond: (his voice echoing as Simons shoves him into the paddy wagon.) When you fell from heaven!
Music starts playing from nowhere: (to the tune of "Bad Boys")
Bad perv, bad perv, what'cha gonna do?
What'cha gonna do when they come for you?
Jaime O: Even when he is thrown in the paddy wagon, he still tries to sweep a girl off of her feet.
Honeybuns: I think our job is done here, girls. (Sweetly) Simon, sweety! Let's go!
Mr. Cowell comes back, wearing his trademark black top and pants, his nose stuck high into the air. Honeybuns hangs on his arm, while all the others stare at her in disgust.
Jaime O: You had GOT to be kidding me.
Crunch: Totally.
Sweet Thang: …is it
dinner time yet?
Music, end credits:
You poor unfortunate perv
Look what you've done
You have broken many hearts
You have tried many lines!
But still, you are a fool.
You poor unfortunate perv
You are so lame
You wear the same clothes ever day
And your hair is turning gray
Do we care?
No we don't!
'Cause you're a POOR UN-FORTUNATE PEERRRRRRRVV!