This is the new exciting story for our series!!! It follows all the criteria, it's after the Fellowship, it's completely random and Arwen pops up too! (Oh yeah, they are also very AU) So please enjoy, and I'll see you at the end!
*We do not own the characters, or LOTR. We own the depressing story we put them in. Although… if we DID own LOTR then Aragorn would be ours! Damn!!! We've got more to acknowledge this time. Let's just say that to be able to understand every little plagerised joke we've put into this story, you need to have: read and watched the 2 LOTR book and movies so far, known about Figwit, watched Shrek, watch The Sketch Show (British sketch comedy) and Big Bite (Australian sketch comedy). Also, if anything from Matrix pops up, don't be surprised.*
(As usual, happy molecule's parts are written in italics)
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Ode to a beer can
Merry was depressed. After returning home from the Fellowship, he had discovered that his favourite pet cockroach, Robert the Bruce, had died now he was depressed.
Merry had wept about it for days and nights. Pippin had tried to cheer him up, but a hobbit and a cockroach just wasn't the same. He wanted Robert back and he hated to think that he would never see him again.
"Cheer up, Merry," Pippin said. "it will be okay. Here, have a beer." He handed Merry a can of beer. Merry brushed it aside.
"Merry! You hurt the beer's feelings!" Pippin cried. He put his ear to the beer can. "What's that? You want me to drink you? Well, only if it will make you feel better."
And so Pippin drank the beer. And while he drank, Merry was feeling more and more sad. How could Pippin be having fun at a time like this?
Pippin soon finished his beer and seeing Merry had no more, left, leaving his empty beer can on the table. Merry was very pissed at this. How dare Pippin leave rubbish lying around? He got up to throw the beer can into the bin, when he realised how amazingly attractive it was.
Merry was soon mesmerised by the way the colours on the aluminium blended in with each other in such an aesthetically pleasing way, and how the shape of the cylinder was so perfect, so symmetrical. He loved the words on the can, the ones that said "8.7% alcohol content" and the brand name and –
"Oh!!" cried Merry as he discovered that the beer was made by the same company that made his underwear. "I love you!!!" he cried to the beer can.
The beer can said nothing in reply. Merry took this as a sign that the beer can loved him too, and whisked the beer can away to his bedroom.
***
The next day, Merry woke up to a glorious morning with his beer can. It looked so peaceful and happy, just lying there on one of his pillows, oblivious to the world. He couldn't help but love it more. Then he was overcome by a strong desire to hug it. Tightly. So he did.
Crack! Oh no! the can now had a dent in it because Merry had hugged it too tight! Frantically he rushed out of bed, cradling the beer can in his arms and trying to get dressed at the same time. He crooned softly to it.
"It's okay," he said, "Merry's here. We'll find you a doctor, don't you worry."
He snatched up the phone and frantically dialled 123 (Middle Earth's emergency number). He told them of the tragedy that had occurred to his beloved, and both were immediately whisked away to the hospital.
***
Merry was anxiously pacing outside the O.R. Suddenly he saw someone familiar. It was Arwen, Aragorn's beloved! What was she doing here, in the hospital?
"Arwen?" said Merry, and Arwen smiled at him. "What on Middle Earth are you doing here?"
She sighed. "Aragorn thought it would be a good idea to adopt a tree from the Tree-room. He's now seeing the Tree-doctor."
For a moment, Merry forgot everything about his misery. "The Tree-room! Oh boy, I love that place! Trees are so cool!"
"Yeah…" Arwen drifted off into a trance. She suddenly shook her head. "Anyway, why are YOU here?"
Merry began to cry hysterically. "Oh, it's so sad!!! My – my love… it's terrible!"
Arwen looked at him puzzledly. "So… er… who is she?"
Merry though for a while. "Hmm… well, actually, it's not really a she…"
"It's a HE?!"
"NO!!! Nonononono!" Merry shouted. A couple of people stared at him.
"It's a dwarf then?"
"No! Merry shuddered at the thought. "It's not a dwarf"
"Then what/who is he/she/it?"
"It's name is… Merry'slovethebeercan!"
"Ok then…" she shook her head. "WHY must my 'husband's' friends be so weird?" she muttered
"What did you say?" Merry asked.
"Oh, nothing… I just said… 'Why must my dust pans' trends be so teared?'"
"Ok…" Merry thought that Arwen was very strange. He slowly started edging away from her. Why did Strider always love such strange things? First he loved that full beer can, then that goat, and now Arwen. Very strange man.
"Where are you going, Merry?" asked Arwen.
"I, um… I have to…" Merry thought hard. He couldn't exactly say 'I want to get away from you,' could he? Finally, he said,
"I need to use the little girls', I mean the little boys'! I need to use the little boys' room!" He ran away, leaving Arwen laughing hysterically on the floor.
Merry ran down the corridor, but was suddenly stopped by a passing nurse, saying, "There, there, little wooden puppet!"
"I'm not a puppet," Merry protested, "I'm a REAL boy!"
"Sure you are," she nodded knowingly.
"Of course I am!" he said. "By the way, do you know the whereabouts of the tree-room?" Merry thought that he might go look at some trees while he waited for Merry'slovethebeercan.
"The tree-room? Uh, I'm not sure they let people under the age of eighteen in there…"
Merry shuddered. Ok, maybe he didn't want to go in there anymore.
"Ok, well, then, is my beloved out of the O.R. yet?" he asked the nurse.
"Your beloved?" asked the nurse, bewildered. "Er… how old did you think you were?"
"I'm fifty-nine!" said Merry proudly.
"What the hell?" said the nurse. She was twice as tall as him and Merry was a little bewildered.
"I'm fifty-nine," he said again, albeit meekly.
"You lie!" the nurse hissed.
"Nah!"
"Yeah!"
"Nah!"
"Yeah!"
"Be quiet out there will you?" said a voice coming from the O.R. "Merry'slovethebeercan needs sleep!"
"It's alive? YAY!!!" Merry began running around in ecstasy. Then he ran straight into a door.
***
Merry was dreaming about Merry'slovethebeercan. It was bigger, the same size as Merry, and they were taking a walk along the Brandywine River. Suddenly he felt someone slapping him.
"Go away!" he yelled.
"Go away?! GO AWAY?!"
He looked up. "Aaaaaaaaaah!" He yelled. "Pippin, what the HELL are you doing here?"
Pippin was hurt. "You're not glad to see me?"
"Of course I am!" He hugged him.
"YAY! I'm loved!" Pippin cried. He hugged Merry back. Merry tried to pull away, but Pippin continued to hold on.
"Ah, Pippin?"
"Yesh, Merry?" said Pippin's muffled voice.
"Uh…" Merry was reluctant to tell Pippin about his new-found love. "I… um…"
"Yes, I love you too Merry."
"No, Pippin, I mean – "
And suddenly he saw Merry'slovethebeercan standing behind Pippin.
"My love!" he cried
"Ah ha! I knew you loved me!"
"No, I meant my beer can lover."
Pippin stepped back.
"You love a beer can and not me?" Pippin's voice trembled.
"I love you Pip," Merry said quickly, "Just not in that way."
"Oh." Pippin sniffed. Then he began sobbing.
"Pip, don't cry!"
Pippin looked out the window. "Merry, you're gre– WHO IS THAT?!" he ran out of the room.
And Merry was left alone with Merry'slovethebeercan.
"Let's go home, Merry'slovethebeercan!" he exclaimed and he thought that he heard it say 'yes'.
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Why hello again!
The other stories in this series are: (On happy molecule's account) Laughingus Fishius (Legolas), Green and Orange braces (Aragorn), Of Butterfly clips and funky monkeys (Elrond), (on my account) The Watchers of the Weight (Sam) and now this one.
Hope you enjoyed it and look forward to your reviews!