For You - November 2007
Chapter Forty-Eight
I sit here locked inside my head Remembering everything you said The silence get us nowhere Gets us nowhere way too fast The silence is what kills me I need someone here to help me But you don't know how to listen And let me make, my decisions You're insults and your curses Make me feel like I'm not a person And I feel like I am nothing But you made me, so do something Cause I'm fucked up Because you all need attention Attention you couldn't give
For You - Staind
Dawn and Spike were sitting quietly in the dining room, eating their dinners. It had been like this for several weeks now. Dawn knew their relationship had completely unraveled. She had known it for months now, she had just been waiting for him to say it. The silence between them unnerved her. They had always been able to talk to one another about anything. And now there was just silence. And it was killing her. She hated to think she was the reason that he was so miserable, but she knew it was true. He hardly even looked her in the eye anymore.
What was it that they had even had? That was the thought passing through Dawn's brain. She picked apart their entire relationship in her mind. She had chased him for years, what if he had just gotten sick of running from her? She had known that something hadn't been right even before the cancer. She knew that Spike loved her, but it was as a friend. They had never even slept together. She told herself she would give him a little while longer before she finally said something to him.
Spike looked up at Dawn, she was staring at her plate, picking at her food. She looked so sad, so confused. Spike hated the silence between them, it was horrible. He had taken to sleeping on the couch, making excuses that he had fallen asleep there or he had to get up early the next morning and didn't want to wake her up. He did love her, but just not the way she had always dreamed that he would. He knew now that he couldn't. He wasn't willing to do whatever it took to make her happy, unlike he had done with Buffy. If he wanted to make her happy he would have at least slept with her by now or professed his non-existent love to her. He just didn't know how to proceed. Whatever he did, he was going to break her heart. He was doing it this very moment. She was such a beautiful woman and he knew that eventually she would find someone worthy of her. He just needed to find the right moment to do it.
He stood up and started to clear the table. He gently brushed Dawn's hand as he picked up her plate and he could feel her looking at him. He was frightened to look into those bright blue eyes, because he was certain that they were filled with hurt and sadness. Sadness that he had caused. He picked up her plate and took it to the kitchen to do the dishes. When he was finished he walked out to find her still sitting at the dining room table. This was usually the time that she made it to the bedroom, so they didn't have to fight. So they didn't have to say anything to one another. And a little more of his heart broke when he looked into her eyes.
"What are you doing pet?" Spike asked.
"Just waiting for you." Dawn replied.
"You need to talk about something?"
"I was just wondering if you were going to come to bed tonight." Dawn said quietly.
Spike saw her lip quiver in her request. There was no way that he could say no to her.
"Course luv, just let me take a shower and I'll be in, in a few." Spike said.
Dawn smiled a little and wandered into the bedroom. She thought maybe she had been wrong. Maybe they could have one time together before she left him, or he left her. She went into the bedroom and pulled out a long red silk night gown. She slipped in on and waited for Spike to join her.
Spike walked into the bedroom and stared at the girl lying on his bed so seductively. The physical part of his body was screaming to take her, it had been almost five years since he had a woman. And Dawn was stunning to look at. His brain kept telling him this wasn't fair to her, he didn't love her. He sighed and made his way to the bed. He climbed into his side and kissed Dawn chastely before turning to go to sleep.
Before he could protest Dawn was sitting on top of him, pulling his shirt over his head. His brain lacked function for a moment when she pushed him back and kissed him harshly. The kiss was bruising and took Spike by surprise. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and returned the kiss. She smelled so feminine to him, like raspberries. And she was so soft and felt so wonderful against his hard body. He stroked her back as their tongues dueled in their passionate kiss.
Dawn rocked herself against Spike's clothed erection, she could feel him against her and she moaned. She could feel his hands reaching under her flimsy night gown and cupping her ass. She hissed slightly as she pushed her wetness, her urgency against him. She was surprised to find him grunting and pushing into her. Spike then ripped the nightgown from Dawn's body and roughly fondled her breasts. She was delighted with the feel of his rough hands working on her flesh. She craved him like he had once craved blood. She clawed at his chest, she bent over and sucked on his nipples.
Spike ran his hands through Dawn's long silky hair, he rolled her on her side and then proceeded to stroke her warm awaiting lips. He pushed them open and gently put two digits in there, stroking her lovingly. He never stopped kissing her, he moved to her neck, kissing it, then her breast bone. He was then sucking on her nipples, all the while she rocked against him, moaning, screaming his name. She came and he continued to stroke her until her swollen lips quivered once more. He sucked roughly on her nipples, while she ran her fingers through her hair.
"I love you so much William." Dawn panted.
"Dawn." Spike said, jumping back to reality.
He looked at the naked beauty sitting in front of him. She was gorgeous and flushed from her orgasm. She almost looked shy even though she had been naked in front of him dozens of times. She didn't try to cover up though, she just drank it in when she saw him appreciatively rake his eyes over her body. She then reached inside his boxers and began to stroke him, he grunted, but he didn't pull away. It felt bloody wonderful, to have her small, soft fingers wrapped around his hard cock. He then looked at her and saw the longing in her eyes. He saw all the love that she felt for him, he knew she would do anything for him, and it killed him. He could fuck her right there, all night and she wouldn't complain. What would he do in the morning though? What would he do when he woke up and hated himself? He gently pulled her hand out of his boxers, he still hadn't gotten used to being blue balled. It was still painful as hell, put he pushed the pain away and focused on his confused nibblit.
"Dawn, I'm sorry." Was all he said.
"It's over, isn't it?" Was all she said.
"Been over for awhile, don't you think?" Spike said quietly.
"I don't think there was ever anything to get over." Dawn responded bitterly.
"Bit, please. I tried, s'not fair to you though." Spike said.
"You never had to love me, you know that don't you?" Dawn quivered.
"You deserve to be loved. Out of all of us, you deserve it the most. But I can't do it."
"But I was happy loving you. I'm sorry I'm not her." Dawn said, with only a touch of bitterness.
"No, you're not and no one ever wanted you to be her. I can't tell you why I love her so much. I can't explain it. S'not because she's a better person than you though. I can tell you that much."
"So what, I didn't treat you like a piece of garbage so I'm not good enough? I didn't treat you like my lap dog that I kept around for my amusement. You can't love me because I never beat the shit out of you? You won't love me because I love you back?" Dawn spat angrily.
"Pet, you know it's not like that. I can't help being in love with Buffy anymore than you can help how you feel about me."
"Yeah, well you go ahead and love Buffy, because she will never love you. She got over you a long time ago. I was it Will. I was the only chance you ever really had with the Summer's women and you just fucked it up like you've fucked up everything else in your sorry excuse for a life." Dawn said venomously.
Spike looked at her, he saw her puffy eyes and the tears streaming down her face. He knew she was pissed and she had every right to be. He just cocked his head and looked at her. She needed to get this off her chest, so he patiently waited for her to finish.
"God, I am so stupid. I actually thought I could get you to be happy with me. But you're just like her. Stuck in the dark, stuck in the pain, stuck in the misery. Jesus, you wouldn't even fuck me. Two god damn years and you wouldn't even let me suck you off. You've used me emotionally for this long, why not go the extra mile and make it physical too?"
Spike winced at the sting of her words. He knew she was right. He had used her. He used her so he didn't have to face the world, so he didn't have to move on. He continued to look at her while she got dressed. He felt his heart break into a million pieces at that moment. He had already lost Buffy, and now he was going to lose his best friend. He guessed he had lost her long ago though. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He searched for his jeans.
Dawn looked over and saw Spike's back. She began to cry even harder. Why did he have to admit it? She was torn. She was relieved that it was over. Her make believe relationship with the broken man was finally over. She was also crushed. She hated herself for the hateful words she spat at him while he sat there and took it all in. He hadn't even tried to defend himself. She then crawled onto the bed and sat behind him. She let her legs fall off the side of the bed, her chest pressed against his bare back, her arms hugging his stomach. She softly cried into his shoulder. She gently took his hands into hers.
"I'm sorry baby, I shouldn't have said those things." She cried.
"Dawn, you were right, bout everything. I used you, it was wrong. I thought, maybe given time I could love you like I loved her. But I just hurt you. I'm so sorry I hurt you." Spike whispered softly.
"I used you too. God, how did we get here? I love you so much, I don't want to lose you."
"Nor I you." Spike said.
"I need time though. I feel so stupid, so foolish. Everyone knew didn't they? That's why everyone always stopped talking when I came into the room, isn't it? That's why everyone gave us sad pity filled looks when we were in the same room. God, everyone knew except for me." Dawn said guiltily.
"They were just worried about you luv. This is completely my fault. If there is blame to lay it's on me. If there is anyone to hate, it's me. If there is a bad guy in this, it's me. Dawn, you are not to blame for any of this, they all still love you. I still love you. And I always will." Spike said.
"I think we just need some time apart, you know?"
"Kitten, I think you're right. It hurts to look at you right now, for all the pain I've caused you. I don't want to fight with you, not any more, not ever again." Spike replied.
"I'm going to go stay with Buffy for awhile. I have an easy class load this semester, I'm sure my professors will let me take my exams early."
"You need any help packing?" Was all Spike could think of to say.
"If you want. I was going to call Gunn and Angel to see if they can come over and help me load up." Was all Dawn could think of to say.
The two then broke from their final embrace and set their minds on packing. Dawn worked in what was once their room while Spike worked on the storage closet in Julia's room. They both tried to hold back their tears and neither dared say anything to other, afraid that it would simply break out into another fight. Gunn and Angel showed up about two hours later. Neither man knew exactly what to say when they saw the two silent former partners. So they silently worked on loading Dawn's truck up.
They worked all night and about an hour before sunrise Dawn was ready to go. Spike and Dawn looked at one another like it was the end of the world. Spike reached down and tucked a loose strand of Dawn's hair behind her ears. Dawn gently ran her hand down Spike's cheek. The embraced tightly, neither really wanting to let the other one go. Dawn then kissed Spike on the cheek and made her way to the driver's side of the car. She promised Angel that she would call him when she got to Sunnydale. She then drove away.
"You gonna be all right man?" Gunn asked.
"Not worried about me." Spike said simply before he walked back into the complex.
Gunn and Angel exchanged knowing glances before heading back to the hotel.
**************************
Dawn pulled up in front of her house on Revello Drive about two and half hours later. Her eyes were completely bloodshot and irritated from the non- stop crying. She had no idea how to approach her sister. They had been barely on speaking terms for the last couple of years. She wouldn't have come here, but she had nowhere else to go. Nowhere else that she wouldn't be thought of as a charity case anyway. She grabbed her overnight bag and headed toward the door. She knocked on it and waited for her sister to answer. When Buffy answered the door she knew immediately what had happened.
"Dawny." She said, wrapping her arms around her sister.
"Buffy." Dawn said in relief, returning the embrace.
"How do you feel?" Buffy asked.
"Like I'm dying inside." Dawn replied honestly.
Buffy gave Dawn an understanding nod and the two went into the house where they spent most of the morning crying and catching up.
I sit here locked inside my head Remembering everything you said The silence get us nowhere Gets us nowhere way too fast The silence is what kills me I need someone here to help me But you don't know how to listen And let me make, my decisions You're insults and your curses Make me feel like I'm not a person And I feel like I am nothing But you made me, so do something Cause I'm fucked up Because you all need attention Attention you couldn't give
For You - Staind
Dawn and Spike were sitting quietly in the dining room, eating their dinners. It had been like this for several weeks now. Dawn knew their relationship had completely unraveled. She had known it for months now, she had just been waiting for him to say it. The silence between them unnerved her. They had always been able to talk to one another about anything. And now there was just silence. And it was killing her. She hated to think she was the reason that he was so miserable, but she knew it was true. He hardly even looked her in the eye anymore.
What was it that they had even had? That was the thought passing through Dawn's brain. She picked apart their entire relationship in her mind. She had chased him for years, what if he had just gotten sick of running from her? She had known that something hadn't been right even before the cancer. She knew that Spike loved her, but it was as a friend. They had never even slept together. She told herself she would give him a little while longer before she finally said something to him.
Spike looked up at Dawn, she was staring at her plate, picking at her food. She looked so sad, so confused. Spike hated the silence between them, it was horrible. He had taken to sleeping on the couch, making excuses that he had fallen asleep there or he had to get up early the next morning and didn't want to wake her up. He did love her, but just not the way she had always dreamed that he would. He knew now that he couldn't. He wasn't willing to do whatever it took to make her happy, unlike he had done with Buffy. If he wanted to make her happy he would have at least slept with her by now or professed his non-existent love to her. He just didn't know how to proceed. Whatever he did, he was going to break her heart. He was doing it this very moment. She was such a beautiful woman and he knew that eventually she would find someone worthy of her. He just needed to find the right moment to do it.
He stood up and started to clear the table. He gently brushed Dawn's hand as he picked up her plate and he could feel her looking at him. He was frightened to look into those bright blue eyes, because he was certain that they were filled with hurt and sadness. Sadness that he had caused. He picked up her plate and took it to the kitchen to do the dishes. When he was finished he walked out to find her still sitting at the dining room table. This was usually the time that she made it to the bedroom, so they didn't have to fight. So they didn't have to say anything to one another. And a little more of his heart broke when he looked into her eyes.
"What are you doing pet?" Spike asked.
"Just waiting for you." Dawn replied.
"You need to talk about something?"
"I was just wondering if you were going to come to bed tonight." Dawn said quietly.
Spike saw her lip quiver in her request. There was no way that he could say no to her.
"Course luv, just let me take a shower and I'll be in, in a few." Spike said.
Dawn smiled a little and wandered into the bedroom. She thought maybe she had been wrong. Maybe they could have one time together before she left him, or he left her. She went into the bedroom and pulled out a long red silk night gown. She slipped in on and waited for Spike to join her.
Spike walked into the bedroom and stared at the girl lying on his bed so seductively. The physical part of his body was screaming to take her, it had been almost five years since he had a woman. And Dawn was stunning to look at. His brain kept telling him this wasn't fair to her, he didn't love her. He sighed and made his way to the bed. He climbed into his side and kissed Dawn chastely before turning to go to sleep.
Before he could protest Dawn was sitting on top of him, pulling his shirt over his head. His brain lacked function for a moment when she pushed him back and kissed him harshly. The kiss was bruising and took Spike by surprise. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and returned the kiss. She smelled so feminine to him, like raspberries. And she was so soft and felt so wonderful against his hard body. He stroked her back as their tongues dueled in their passionate kiss.
Dawn rocked herself against Spike's clothed erection, she could feel him against her and she moaned. She could feel his hands reaching under her flimsy night gown and cupping her ass. She hissed slightly as she pushed her wetness, her urgency against him. She was surprised to find him grunting and pushing into her. Spike then ripped the nightgown from Dawn's body and roughly fondled her breasts. She was delighted with the feel of his rough hands working on her flesh. She craved him like he had once craved blood. She clawed at his chest, she bent over and sucked on his nipples.
Spike ran his hands through Dawn's long silky hair, he rolled her on her side and then proceeded to stroke her warm awaiting lips. He pushed them open and gently put two digits in there, stroking her lovingly. He never stopped kissing her, he moved to her neck, kissing it, then her breast bone. He was then sucking on her nipples, all the while she rocked against him, moaning, screaming his name. She came and he continued to stroke her until her swollen lips quivered once more. He sucked roughly on her nipples, while she ran her fingers through her hair.
"I love you so much William." Dawn panted.
"Dawn." Spike said, jumping back to reality.
He looked at the naked beauty sitting in front of him. She was gorgeous and flushed from her orgasm. She almost looked shy even though she had been naked in front of him dozens of times. She didn't try to cover up though, she just drank it in when she saw him appreciatively rake his eyes over her body. She then reached inside his boxers and began to stroke him, he grunted, but he didn't pull away. It felt bloody wonderful, to have her small, soft fingers wrapped around his hard cock. He then looked at her and saw the longing in her eyes. He saw all the love that she felt for him, he knew she would do anything for him, and it killed him. He could fuck her right there, all night and she wouldn't complain. What would he do in the morning though? What would he do when he woke up and hated himself? He gently pulled her hand out of his boxers, he still hadn't gotten used to being blue balled. It was still painful as hell, put he pushed the pain away and focused on his confused nibblit.
"Dawn, I'm sorry." Was all he said.
"It's over, isn't it?" Was all she said.
"Been over for awhile, don't you think?" Spike said quietly.
"I don't think there was ever anything to get over." Dawn responded bitterly.
"Bit, please. I tried, s'not fair to you though." Spike said.
"You never had to love me, you know that don't you?" Dawn quivered.
"You deserve to be loved. Out of all of us, you deserve it the most. But I can't do it."
"But I was happy loving you. I'm sorry I'm not her." Dawn said, with only a touch of bitterness.
"No, you're not and no one ever wanted you to be her. I can't tell you why I love her so much. I can't explain it. S'not because she's a better person than you though. I can tell you that much."
"So what, I didn't treat you like a piece of garbage so I'm not good enough? I didn't treat you like my lap dog that I kept around for my amusement. You can't love me because I never beat the shit out of you? You won't love me because I love you back?" Dawn spat angrily.
"Pet, you know it's not like that. I can't help being in love with Buffy anymore than you can help how you feel about me."
"Yeah, well you go ahead and love Buffy, because she will never love you. She got over you a long time ago. I was it Will. I was the only chance you ever really had with the Summer's women and you just fucked it up like you've fucked up everything else in your sorry excuse for a life." Dawn said venomously.
Spike looked at her, he saw her puffy eyes and the tears streaming down her face. He knew she was pissed and she had every right to be. He just cocked his head and looked at her. She needed to get this off her chest, so he patiently waited for her to finish.
"God, I am so stupid. I actually thought I could get you to be happy with me. But you're just like her. Stuck in the dark, stuck in the pain, stuck in the misery. Jesus, you wouldn't even fuck me. Two god damn years and you wouldn't even let me suck you off. You've used me emotionally for this long, why not go the extra mile and make it physical too?"
Spike winced at the sting of her words. He knew she was right. He had used her. He used her so he didn't have to face the world, so he didn't have to move on. He continued to look at her while she got dressed. He felt his heart break into a million pieces at that moment. He had already lost Buffy, and now he was going to lose his best friend. He guessed he had lost her long ago though. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He searched for his jeans.
Dawn looked over and saw Spike's back. She began to cry even harder. Why did he have to admit it? She was torn. She was relieved that it was over. Her make believe relationship with the broken man was finally over. She was also crushed. She hated herself for the hateful words she spat at him while he sat there and took it all in. He hadn't even tried to defend himself. She then crawled onto the bed and sat behind him. She let her legs fall off the side of the bed, her chest pressed against his bare back, her arms hugging his stomach. She softly cried into his shoulder. She gently took his hands into hers.
"I'm sorry baby, I shouldn't have said those things." She cried.
"Dawn, you were right, bout everything. I used you, it was wrong. I thought, maybe given time I could love you like I loved her. But I just hurt you. I'm so sorry I hurt you." Spike whispered softly.
"I used you too. God, how did we get here? I love you so much, I don't want to lose you."
"Nor I you." Spike said.
"I need time though. I feel so stupid, so foolish. Everyone knew didn't they? That's why everyone always stopped talking when I came into the room, isn't it? That's why everyone gave us sad pity filled looks when we were in the same room. God, everyone knew except for me." Dawn said guiltily.
"They were just worried about you luv. This is completely my fault. If there is blame to lay it's on me. If there is anyone to hate, it's me. If there is a bad guy in this, it's me. Dawn, you are not to blame for any of this, they all still love you. I still love you. And I always will." Spike said.
"I think we just need some time apart, you know?"
"Kitten, I think you're right. It hurts to look at you right now, for all the pain I've caused you. I don't want to fight with you, not any more, not ever again." Spike replied.
"I'm going to go stay with Buffy for awhile. I have an easy class load this semester, I'm sure my professors will let me take my exams early."
"You need any help packing?" Was all Spike could think of to say.
"If you want. I was going to call Gunn and Angel to see if they can come over and help me load up." Was all Dawn could think of to say.
The two then broke from their final embrace and set their minds on packing. Dawn worked in what was once their room while Spike worked on the storage closet in Julia's room. They both tried to hold back their tears and neither dared say anything to other, afraid that it would simply break out into another fight. Gunn and Angel showed up about two hours later. Neither man knew exactly what to say when they saw the two silent former partners. So they silently worked on loading Dawn's truck up.
They worked all night and about an hour before sunrise Dawn was ready to go. Spike and Dawn looked at one another like it was the end of the world. Spike reached down and tucked a loose strand of Dawn's hair behind her ears. Dawn gently ran her hand down Spike's cheek. The embraced tightly, neither really wanting to let the other one go. Dawn then kissed Spike on the cheek and made her way to the driver's side of the car. She promised Angel that she would call him when she got to Sunnydale. She then drove away.
"You gonna be all right man?" Gunn asked.
"Not worried about me." Spike said simply before he walked back into the complex.
Gunn and Angel exchanged knowing glances before heading back to the hotel.
**************************
Dawn pulled up in front of her house on Revello Drive about two and half hours later. Her eyes were completely bloodshot and irritated from the non- stop crying. She had no idea how to approach her sister. They had been barely on speaking terms for the last couple of years. She wouldn't have come here, but she had nowhere else to go. Nowhere else that she wouldn't be thought of as a charity case anyway. She grabbed her overnight bag and headed toward the door. She knocked on it and waited for her sister to answer. When Buffy answered the door she knew immediately what had happened.
"Dawny." She said, wrapping her arms around her sister.
"Buffy." Dawn said in relief, returning the embrace.
"How do you feel?" Buffy asked.
"Like I'm dying inside." Dawn replied honestly.
Buffy gave Dawn an understanding nod and the two went into the house where they spent most of the morning crying and catching up.