AN: This is a look at Lupin's feelings at the end of OoTP. He had to deal with a lot in this book and I thought it would be interesting to look at how it all affected him. This contains a lot of OoTp spoilers, so don't read it if you don't want to know.
New Moon Rising
Lupin sat on the floor in the basement of number twelve Grimmauld place and watched as pale silver light began to make its way slowly across the dirty floor. The creeping eerie light indicated the slow ascent of the full moon. Lupin slowly surveyed the vast empty room and his eyes lighted on the steel reinforced door securely bolted by a number magical locks. He remembered Sirius coming up to him at the first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix and telling him that he had secured a room in the basement so that Lupin could remain at headquarters safely whether the moon was full or not. Lupin smiled slightly at the memory but the cold hollow feeling that had been plaguing him for days wiped the smile from his face.
Unbidden flashes of that day in the department of Mysteries flooded into his consciousness blocking out all else. He had been crossing the great stone room to help Harry when he had heard Bellatrix Lestrange's triumphant scream, he turned on his heels to see what had happened. He had only been vaguely aware of her and Sirius dueling in the center of the room. He thought for a moment that Sirius was merely stunned but then he had seen the horrible emptiness in his friend's eyes as he fell through the great curtain and vanished and the weight of what had just happened hit him. He was momentarily paralyzed with shock. Sirius was dead. It did not seem possible that Sirius who had just moments ago been laughing as he challenged Bellatrix could now be gone. Lupin was snapped from his immobile shock by a blur a movement to his right Harry was running blindly towards the dais screaming Sirius's name. Lupin reached out and caught Harry securely around the chest trying to hold him still. Harry fought and kicked and tried desperately to get away from him all the while calling for Sirius as if he was merely to far away to hear him and could be summoned back at any moment. As Harry urged Lupin to go save Sirius, he was forced to utter the words he, himself could not yet fully believe.
"It's too late, Harry. There's nothing you can do, Harry…nothing…He's gone."
At this Lupin was snapped back to the present. He surveyed the silver light that made its way slowly but steadily across the floor and for the first time in years he longed for the change. He longed to feel anything but the guilt and loneliness that were pressing on him so hard he thought he might break under their weight. He longed to think the simple instinctive thoughts of animal. He thought of the large black dog that had been his companion on so many painful nights as his bones broke and reformed and he had slowly become a monster. He forced this thought again and focused again on the puddle of moonlight. His only consoling thought was that Sirius had died the way he had always wanted to die; in the heat of battle protecting someone he loved. The failure of being unable to protect James and Lily had plagued Sirius for the past decade. Lupin knew that fighting to protect Harry had been a way of exorcising his demons and perhaps finally forgiving himself. As he thought this, Lupin felt his fingers begin to curl in upon them selves and the bones in his body begin to reform themselves. For a moment the old familiar pain shut out any other feeling.
Finally a silver grey wolf sat alone in the darkness and let out a long low mournful howl. No one could be sure but to all who heard it, it sounded as if the creature was crying.
AN: Please let me know what you think, I'd really appreciate some feedback.
New Moon Rising
Lupin sat on the floor in the basement of number twelve Grimmauld place and watched as pale silver light began to make its way slowly across the dirty floor. The creeping eerie light indicated the slow ascent of the full moon. Lupin slowly surveyed the vast empty room and his eyes lighted on the steel reinforced door securely bolted by a number magical locks. He remembered Sirius coming up to him at the first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix and telling him that he had secured a room in the basement so that Lupin could remain at headquarters safely whether the moon was full or not. Lupin smiled slightly at the memory but the cold hollow feeling that had been plaguing him for days wiped the smile from his face.
Unbidden flashes of that day in the department of Mysteries flooded into his consciousness blocking out all else. He had been crossing the great stone room to help Harry when he had heard Bellatrix Lestrange's triumphant scream, he turned on his heels to see what had happened. He had only been vaguely aware of her and Sirius dueling in the center of the room. He thought for a moment that Sirius was merely stunned but then he had seen the horrible emptiness in his friend's eyes as he fell through the great curtain and vanished and the weight of what had just happened hit him. He was momentarily paralyzed with shock. Sirius was dead. It did not seem possible that Sirius who had just moments ago been laughing as he challenged Bellatrix could now be gone. Lupin was snapped from his immobile shock by a blur a movement to his right Harry was running blindly towards the dais screaming Sirius's name. Lupin reached out and caught Harry securely around the chest trying to hold him still. Harry fought and kicked and tried desperately to get away from him all the while calling for Sirius as if he was merely to far away to hear him and could be summoned back at any moment. As Harry urged Lupin to go save Sirius, he was forced to utter the words he, himself could not yet fully believe.
"It's too late, Harry. There's nothing you can do, Harry…nothing…He's gone."
At this Lupin was snapped back to the present. He surveyed the silver light that made its way slowly but steadily across the floor and for the first time in years he longed for the change. He longed to feel anything but the guilt and loneliness that were pressing on him so hard he thought he might break under their weight. He longed to think the simple instinctive thoughts of animal. He thought of the large black dog that had been his companion on so many painful nights as his bones broke and reformed and he had slowly become a monster. He forced this thought again and focused again on the puddle of moonlight. His only consoling thought was that Sirius had died the way he had always wanted to die; in the heat of battle protecting someone he loved. The failure of being unable to protect James and Lily had plagued Sirius for the past decade. Lupin knew that fighting to protect Harry had been a way of exorcising his demons and perhaps finally forgiving himself. As he thought this, Lupin felt his fingers begin to curl in upon them selves and the bones in his body begin to reform themselves. For a moment the old familiar pain shut out any other feeling.
Finally a silver grey wolf sat alone in the darkness and let out a long low mournful howl. No one could be sure but to all who heard it, it sounded as if the creature was crying.
AN: Please let me know what you think, I'd really appreciate some feedback.