Wish You Were Here
Incubus
Lyrics
appear in the //
He pulled the knife slowly across the tips of
his fingers, letting the blade's weight draw blood. There was this dark side to
him that no one suspected, the side that tried to draw the demons out, the side
that was silently screaming at everyone who told him something was wrong when
it felt so right.
He went outside, letting the blood drip the
path. The sand of the beach was cooled by the night air and dampened from the
divine waters.
//I dig my toes into the sand//
Waves rolled in and out as if rocking the cradle of the world, residual foam tracing a lacy line up and down the coast. The horizon was lost as the sea and sky glowed the same deep shade of midnight blue. It was here where he was safe, alone, free to think about Trowa.
//The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket//
It had been three months since they'd seen each other last. The missions were over, the colonies were safe. He had been made a hero, but didn't know what he really won. He had sacrificed his beliefs and soul for this. Sometimes it didn't even seem worth it. But at least he had found the only person who understood his sensitivity. At least then he felt alive.
//I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless//
Wufei had been too cold-hearted, and Heero&Duo, well, they were together, and for good reason. Heero was too serious, and Duo too fanciful. But Trowa understood. There was a part of Trowa that hurt just as bad as Quatre did.
//And in this moment I am happy//
Trowa...
//Happy//
He had been so elated with him. Trowa was his hidden paradise, and Quatre's heart ached for him once more.
//I wish you were here//
He wondered if Trowa felt the same. Just as scared, just as alone, just as in love.
//I wish you were here//
Quatre was never sure. There had been times, when he needed Trowa's touch the most, that his lover coldly turned his back. Then Quatre's eyes would fill with tears and he would cry, hugging his knees, staring up at the moon - he found it amazing how he and Trowa were under the same moon, so close yet so far.
//I wish you were here//
There were other times, though, when it had been nothing but bliss. The way Trowa would smile when Quatre giggled; the way he made Quatre feel when he was inside; the way he always protected him, even when there was no danger. Quatre felt special for a real reason - not because he was rich or handsome, but because he was just Quatre. That was true love.
//I wish you were here//
He laid backward, quietly stroking himself into pleasure.
//I lay my head onto the sand//
Faded dots of stars shone like tiny miracles. He smiled, thinking about one time during the second war when they had gotten a little older. It had been a while, and they had both grown so much, putting on toned muscle and height. He remembered the exact moment he had seen Trowa in the hallway, so lean, so sexy. He ran as fast as he could to him, and threw his arms around his boyfriend's waste, sobbing into his chest.
//The sky resembles a back-lit canopy with holes punched in it//
A star shot passed. Quatre had never seen a shooting star, so he closed his eyes and made a wish. He wished Trowa were with him. True, these silly superstitions never worked. But maybe, just maybe...
//I'm counting UFOs
I signal them with my lighter//
Maybe then they could be together forever.
//And in this moment I am happy//
Forever...
//Happy//
He used to think it could be a reality. Ha, he used to think a lot of things. During the missions, their hours and days together were long. He got so used to seeing Trowa every day and falling asleep with him every night that when it ended, it seemed that life did too. He felt like a walking corpse.
//I wish you were here//
It was taken away so fast. He thought at least Trowa would call or write. So when he didn't, Quatre ached intensely. He didn't get a chance to savor every moment, because he thought it would last forever and it didn't.
//I wish you were here//
When they were all called together a second
time he knew he wouldn't miss his second chance. Quatre committed every word
and breath and touch to memory. He was convinced that his loneliness was over.
But Trowa saw it differently.
"Quatre, this can't go on," Trowa
said remorsefully one night after Quatre asked him to promise they'd never be
apart again. "We are two different people. This isn't a fairy tale."
"Can't we just pretend?" Quatre's
eyes were emploring him.
"No, Quatre," Trowa sighed, looking
away to avoid guilt.
The sound of his own name sent chills down
Quatre's spine. "Trowa, can't you just hold me?" the vulnerable
blonde sobbed, clinging to him.
To that Trowa obliged.
//I wish you were here//
Quatre felt a sob escape suddenly, and he collapsed, hugging himself. Some things never changed.
//Wish you were here//
"Quatre, talk to me," his older
sister had whispered that night. "You've done nothing but brood for the
past three months."
"You wouldn't understand," he
insisted.
"Of course I would," she pushed.
"Don't be afraid."
"...I'm in love," he admitted.
"That's wonderful! With who?"
"My best friend."
"Well love is a beautiful thing. It's
nothing to be sad about, you should be happy you've been blessed with such a
feeling!"
Quatre sighed with the relief that someone
understood. "He's so wonderful-"
"He/" She paused, looking like she
just swallowed a bug.
"Trowa."
"Oh..."
"What?"
She sighed. "Love is not meant to be
between two men. Quatre, honey, you're just confused."
Indeed he was confused. How could he and
Trowa not be meant for each other? Did that mean that everything he had felt
was wrong?
How could something that made his heart burst
and his pulse race and his back arch be wrong?
He didn't even care
anymore.
//The world's a roller coaster
And I am not strapped in//
The blood on his fingers perfectly reflected the light from the house and stars. He moved his fingers, letting it dance. He lifted his arms higher, trying to catch the sky and letting the crimson blood drip a trail down his hand, shining. It was releasing the pain in his heart, flowing through his veins, out onto the earth where it could soak in and hurt someone else, not him.
//Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air//
He wondered why he tortured himself like this - not the cutting, but the scars deeper than the surface, the ones he constantly reopened. He knew nothing he said or did would bring back Trowa, so why did he even think about him so much?
//I wish you were here//
He reached his arm out to his side, pretending Trowa was there. he could feel his body. He fantasized that Trowa was there holding him, kissing him.
//I wish you were...//
Perhaps their paths would cross again some day. They had been lucky enough to find each other. All the pleasure was worth the pain. Quatre sat up again, silently praying for happiness.
//I wish you were here//
The moonlight glowed upon him, making him look angelic. He had changed so much, had become more handsome, more mature. He wanted to see Trowa, to show him how different he dressed and looked, to witness the expression of shock and approval that would cross his face.
//I wish you were here//
He let his head fall back and he stared at that big moon, inhaling the breeze. Maybe Trowa was watching that same moon, right now, thinking about him, sharing a connection even though they were lifetimes apart.
//I wish you were here//
Trowa, I don't care what anyone thinks. I want you. I love you.
//Wish you were here//
~Owari