~*Chapter Two*~
"Remus. Remus Lupin."
That introduction...how could I have known that it held so much weight for you...for the both of us. Of course, I had no idea...but you. You knew it all. Every little thing about who I was...who I had been once...
How could I have known of all the hidden love you bore for me through all those many years...Throughout all our years at Hogwarts, you bore such a burden for my sake, and when you bothered to tell me, I laughed. I thought it was another grand Marauders joke. I never considered the pained look in your eyes when I complimented you on the joke...I never considered all the evidence you offered me...
The clues were right in front of me...and I soffed at them with a grin and a shake of a head...how could I have known that every little gesture I did against what you said to me...But Remus, we were sixteen; what did you expect me to do? You had centuries of memories...I had sixteen years of thoughts. I remembered nothing of what you said...None of it made logical sense to me. How could I believe you?
And now...now, I'm paying for my lack of insight...I suffer each day for my damned blindness...
Ten years I've been here in this suffocating darkness. Ten years amidst these endless screams, watching those spectres float through these darkened, gloomy halls...I've lived and breathed Death for a decade, Remus; my innocence killed though I did nothing...
Now I realize the irony of it all...
Oh, how those dreams haunted me! Those strange, vague dreams that plagued me all through Hogwarts...even now, as I sit here in the darkness of Azkaban, they haunt me. I fear sleep for I do not want those damned dementors to take away the illuminating visage that comes to me only in dreams. How many years I lay witness to that vague scene, only to see it clearly now in the depths of despair...
You knew, of course. You knew that when I spoke of that strange, recurring dream, I was speaking of us...and what once was. I, however, did not. I thought it just a weird dream that came from eating too many Fizzing Wizbees.
I remember it all; the rocky events that followed the first few occurances of that dream...we were in our last days at Hogwarts; seventeen and ready to unleash the Marauders onto the world. Reckless, wild, jubilant...all the way up to the death of James and Lily did I scorn your words of those ancient days. I suppose that now you truely do hate me...after all those years of undying love, you hate me now.
Perhaps I really should give into death one more time...your immortal love has finally died though you live...and now, I see my folly...
Why did I say those last words? Why did I have to say such damning things to you! Despite all that you said about moon spirits and druids, though you thought it would intice me to your side...I loved you then, Remus. I loved you when I spoke those last words to you...though I never realized it until now. Now I see...
Those damned dementors can't take away that dream...they can't take away all the thoughts of the terrible things I said...the dream was a life...It was *my* life; and its end was less than happy. I'm haunted by it all...Like the dark dementors haunt my eyes, your illuminating visage haunts my mind, Remus. The only light in this impenetrable darkness, and it has to be a light like scorching fire against my world-weary mind...
I'm forced to remember the myth of Endymion as I sit here...Endymion, the handsome shepherd of Greek myth whom the Moon, Selene, fell in love with...and every night, she would lull him into a peaceful sleep and come to him...but though he saw her in his dreams, he never knew of her reality..of her true love and lovely nature.
A curious allusion...you've always haunted my dreams in your vague, soft way...and I never knew of the love you bore for me, though it was such a weighty burden...
Damn my blindness...
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"Remus. Remus Lupin."
That introduction...how could I have known that it held so much weight for you...for the both of us. Of course, I had no idea...but you. You knew it all. Every little thing about who I was...who I had been once...
How could I have known of all the hidden love you bore for me through all those many years...Throughout all our years at Hogwarts, you bore such a burden for my sake, and when you bothered to tell me, I laughed. I thought it was another grand Marauders joke. I never considered the pained look in your eyes when I complimented you on the joke...I never considered all the evidence you offered me...
The clues were right in front of me...and I soffed at them with a grin and a shake of a head...how could I have known that every little gesture I did against what you said to me...But Remus, we were sixteen; what did you expect me to do? You had centuries of memories...I had sixteen years of thoughts. I remembered nothing of what you said...None of it made logical sense to me. How could I believe you?
And now...now, I'm paying for my lack of insight...I suffer each day for my damned blindness...
Ten years I've been here in this suffocating darkness. Ten years amidst these endless screams, watching those spectres float through these darkened, gloomy halls...I've lived and breathed Death for a decade, Remus; my innocence killed though I did nothing...
Now I realize the irony of it all...
Oh, how those dreams haunted me! Those strange, vague dreams that plagued me all through Hogwarts...even now, as I sit here in the darkness of Azkaban, they haunt me. I fear sleep for I do not want those damned dementors to take away the illuminating visage that comes to me only in dreams. How many years I lay witness to that vague scene, only to see it clearly now in the depths of despair...
You knew, of course. You knew that when I spoke of that strange, recurring dream, I was speaking of us...and what once was. I, however, did not. I thought it just a weird dream that came from eating too many Fizzing Wizbees.
I remember it all; the rocky events that followed the first few occurances of that dream...we were in our last days at Hogwarts; seventeen and ready to unleash the Marauders onto the world. Reckless, wild, jubilant...all the way up to the death of James and Lily did I scorn your words of those ancient days. I suppose that now you truely do hate me...after all those years of undying love, you hate me now.
Perhaps I really should give into death one more time...your immortal love has finally died though you live...and now, I see my folly...
Why did I say those last words? Why did I have to say such damning things to you! Despite all that you said about moon spirits and druids, though you thought it would intice me to your side...I loved you then, Remus. I loved you when I spoke those last words to you...though I never realized it until now. Now I see...
Those damned dementors can't take away that dream...they can't take away all the thoughts of the terrible things I said...the dream was a life...It was *my* life; and its end was less than happy. I'm haunted by it all...Like the dark dementors haunt my eyes, your illuminating visage haunts my mind, Remus. The only light in this impenetrable darkness, and it has to be a light like scorching fire against my world-weary mind...
I'm forced to remember the myth of Endymion as I sit here...Endymion, the handsome shepherd of Greek myth whom the Moon, Selene, fell in love with...and every night, she would lull him into a peaceful sleep and come to him...but though he saw her in his dreams, he never knew of her reality..of her true love and lovely nature.
A curious allusion...you've always haunted my dreams in your vague, soft way...and I never knew of the love you bore for me, though it was such a weighty burden...
Damn my blindness...
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