Chapter Three

"I couldn't handle it. I let my father die hating him, and in return I murdered thousands of helpless people. It was the first time I had ever lost control. And once I decided what I was going to do, there was no turning back," Reed said, starting to slowly kneed his fingers together. "When we got to the Jupiter station, Admiral Forest was waiting for us. He was a bit more forgiving than the captain, but still made it clear the entire scenario was my fault. Since I was really the only fully trained tactical officer, plus the experience I had gained on missions, he decided to keep me on Enterprise. I was relieved of duty for a month, which I am still on, and I had to write a formal apology to what was left of the colony. When we return home, I will most likely spend some time in the station's brig," Reed continued, faintly smiling at the prospect of being put in the brig instead of putting someone else in one. Reed looked at the ensign. She looked back. She wanted to strangle the man sitting before her, wanted to kick him and punch him, wanted to make him stop. The ensign didn't want to know any more-- she couldn't take it. What had spilled from the lieutenant's lips would stay with her forever, she knew that. What he had said would linger in the depths of her soul, festering until the day she died. But there was still one thing she didn't understand. The single question that lingered in the back of her head since the second she had walked in his cabin suddenly spurted from her mouth.

"Why me?" A little taken aback, Reed thought through his answer.

"When we got to Jupiter station, we took on extra personnel. You were the only new chemist. You had not been on board during the incident and it was decided that the events would be kept confidential. I thought it fitting to kill myself like the other thousands I had murdered, but hydrochloric acid isn't just lying around on the ship. Knowing that the other chemists would not even let me into the chem. lab, you were my only hope," Reed immediately regretted his choice of words on his last comment. "I am sorry to put you through this," he quickly added. "I'm sorry to make you listen to me ramble on and on. But I had to. I had to tell someone. I'm just sorry it had to be you. You didn't deserve this," he slightly smirked. "I screwed up again." That was it.

Reed couldn't handle anything anymore. He tried to hold back his eventual sobs for after the ensign left, but the last dam finally fell, crashing down. The ensign crawled to his side next to the bed and clutched him, pulling him into her arms. She pressed his sobbing head against her chest, and hugged his body close to hers. Whispering slightly into his ear, she rocked him slowly back and forth. Reed squeezed her tightly, wanting to hold onto something pure, something innocent, something not marred by such unfathomable pain. He wanted to feel whole again, and in her arms was the closest he had come to that feeling in a long time.

***

Reed groaned and slowly opened his eyes. An immense whiteness appeared before him and he felt . . . strangely weightless; like something had been tying him down for the longest time and at last the rope was cut. Reed felt like he could move and think and feel, but most of all breathe. The white started to take form, but he couldn't tell what it was. Why can I breathe? What happened? Then it all came flooding back: the acid, his suicide attempt, how he had told everything to the ensign . . . the ensign. She had listened to him. Every single word. And when he was done, she held him. Held him while he cried, while he let go of his guilt and washed it out of his soul forever. He was free . . . as he never thought he could be. Reed couldn't remember a time when he wasn't weighed down by such overwhelming remorse, and yet there it was, staring him in the face. And it was because of her. Because she listened. Sick bay glared at the freed man. What seemed like a rock sank to the bottom of his stomach. They know.

"How are you feeling, Lieutenant?" Phlox asked, walking over from behind the divider. Reed sighed. He tried to let his fervent joy not be replaced by the realization that what he had done would have severe repercussions. He had to find out what they knew.

"What did she tell you?" he asked politely, though an underlying anxiousness was present. Phlox didn't seem to notice his tone and shrugged.

"Nothing more, nothing less than I needed to know," he replied.

"What did she specifically say?" Reed asked, irritation more evident. Fiddling with his instruments, the physician responded:

"That you tried to commit suicide. She wouldn't tell me how or why, but she seemed very concerned and somewhat afraid you would react the way you are now." Reed sank his head back against the flat pillow.

"When can I leave?" he asked, knowing the answer would not be good. Phlox sighed.

"I would like to keep you overnight, and of course you will have to attend counseling. I'm not sure how long those lessons will endure, but don't be hopeful."

"My post. Do you think I will be able to return to it soon?"

"That is the Captain's decision."

"Did you already tell him?"

"Yes. He wants to see you as soon as you are ready to talk to him. Shall I call him now?" Reed closed his eyes. The last time he talked to his captain hadn't gone so well and he was in no rush to give their conversation another chance to fail. If I never talk to him, it'll be too soon. It wasn't that Reed disliked his captain, just the thought of trying to talk to a superior officer about things that, in his mind, was none of their business, didn't exactly thrill him. You better get it over with.

"If you would, please. I guess I will." Phlox walked over to the comm on the wall and Reed heard him confer with Archer. Not a minute later, the tall man walked through the infirmary doors. Reed exhaled deeply and sat up. Archer stopped and stood next to the occupied biobed, and Reed couldn't read his face. Silence ensued as Reed shifted uneasily and the doctor continued to busy himself with unnecessary jobs.

"Doctor, if you wouldn't mind leaving, I would appreciate it," Archer said, no emotion in his voice. The physician obliged and the doors swooshed shut behind him. Archer's eyes bore into Reed's face, but the lieutenant didn't return the gaze. "Well, are you going to tell me?" Reed paused slightly before answering. He felt like the captain already knew most of why he tried to do what he did, but some of it he was missing.

"If you don't mind me being so blunt, sir . . . No," came Reed's simple answer. Archer didn't look surprised at his lieutenant's response.

"You know, Malcolm, I am more than just your captain. I would like to consider myself your friend . . ." Archer left the sentence hanging for Reed to pick up. Reed knew what the captain was trying to do: guilt him into telling why he had attempted what he did.

"That would be . . . nice, sir, but I still would like to keep this matter to myself," Reed replied, trying to avoid the trap.

"Between you and the ensign, you mean," Archer corrected. Reed snapped his head to look directly at the captain. Why the hell is he bringing her into this? He had bared his soul to the ensign, but he didn't feel like repeating everything he said to her to the captain. But most importantly he didn't need to. It seemed amazing to the lieutenant that a woman he never met could bring him such . . . peace.

"Yes, if you want to look at it that way, between me and her," Reed surreptitiously said.

"I could always order you to tell me . . ." Reed noticeably stiffened, but replied:

"And, respectfully, sir, I would refuse to follow your order."

"Or I could order her." Archer looked straight into the lieutenant's gray eyes. "But I would much prefer to hear it first-hand from you." Shit. Reed sighed again, contemplating how to tell Archer in as few of words as possible.

"Well," he started, exhaling. "It was really a combination of the circumstances surrounding my father's death, and the ummmmm . . . the incident at the planet with the torpedo." Archer's face didn't change.

"Is that it?" he asked. Reed nodded, not caring to go into much more detail. "What circumstances?" Clenching his fists, the lieutenant tried to keep his cool.

"Sir, I've already told you more than I'd care to, and I would greatly appreciate it if you would leave it at that . . . and not bother the ensign about it." Archer nodded.

"I won't bring the Ensign into this, but eventually I expect you to level with me. It's not that I enjoy making you . . . relive anything, it's just that I like to know what's going on with my crew." The captain paused before continuing, wondering if he should continue with his train of thought. "You scared the shit out of all of us, Malcolm. No one ever expected you to do anything like this; you always had this tremendous sense of self-control and to see you lose it . . . I don't know." Archer paused, rethinking his position. Reed was somewhat in shock. The thought never occurred to him that doing what he intended to would have such an effect on anyone else. "I hope that this . . . experience might have . . . changed your mind about killing yourself. God knows we need you here." He paused again, hoping Reed would say something. Looking at his hands, the lieutenant spoke.

"She helped me. She made me see. And the funny thing is, all she did was listen. That's all I needed, and yet I didn't see it. I feel . . . weightless now. Like I could fly." Archer nodded his head. He didn't know how the lieutenant felt, but he knew what he meant. He was going to be okay.

"If that's all, Lieutenant, I have to return to the bridge."

"Sir, when do you think I will be able to return to my post?" Reed quickly asked. Archer shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know, Lieutenant. Depends on your counseling lessons and the recommendations of the doctor. To be honest, probably not for another three or four weeks."

"Yes, sir," Reed replied, disappointment lucid in his voice. Giving him a salute, Reed watched the captain walk out.

***

He heard the doors push open, but didn't lift his head and closed his eyes, not wanting any visitors. He wanted nothing more than to just relish what the ensign had given him.

"Ah, hello, Ensign," he heard the doctor say. She didn't look at Reed immediately, but instead turned to speak to Phlox.

"Good evening, Doctor," she replied. "Is it alright if I visit with the Lieutenant?"

"It's fine with me, though it doesn't appear he is awake," he said, nodding. However, seeing the disappointment in the ensign's face, he added, "I was just about to go eat dinner, if you would like to stay here while I am away. I should be gone no longer than . . . an hour? Can you remain here that long?"

"Yes, that would be fine," she replied, smiling. Reed sat up once he heard the doors close behind Phlox. Her smile widened when she saw him rise.

"I thought you were asleep," she jokingly accused.

"I thought you were the captain," he explained, returning her smile. Both chuckled, eyes locked. The laughter quickly died down, a comfortable stillness following.

"Are you . . . ok?" she quietly asked.

"I'm fine, better than I have been in a long time," he murmured. There was another pause, though this one less complacent. Bringing her hands together, the ensign slowly began to knead her fingers.

"I am sorry . . . about calling Phlox and the Captain, but I had to. I was just worried about you and I didn't want you to try anything like that again. Plus, it was my duty to tell them. You can understand that, can't you? I never wanted to hurt you, just to . . . protect you I guess." The ensign never looked directly into Malcolm's eyes, trying to avoid what surely was anger.

"I'm not mad at you, if that's what you think," Reed began, extending his hand. She took it and sat facing him on his biobed. "I was at first, I won't lie to you, but I am very glad you walked in when you did. Besides, I would expect you to tell Phlox and the captain." Reed deliberately paused, trying to put into words what he knew in his heart. "Ensign, I . . . I . . ." Shit, how can you be this uncomfortable with a woman who knows so much about you? You told her everything and yet you can't even thank her. He suddenly and forcefully grabbed her hands, and held them tightly in his own. She didn't seem to notice the pressure, and looked straight into his dusky, almost hypnotizing eyes. "You made me free." That was all Reed could utter, and yet it said everything. Gazing into his eyes, the ensign found herself gazing into his very soul, and she smiled at what she saw. The guilt was not there. It would never be there again. A wave of relief swept over the woman as she realized he was liberated from what had held him down for so long. Shaking her hands free from his, she cupped them behind his head and drew his face in close to hers. Their foreheads touched, and for a moment that lasted an eternity, they stared into each other's eyes. Both simultaneously pushed their chins together and their lips met. The kiss was long and gentle, simple and sweet. Reed reveled in the vast softness and warmth of the ensign, her velvety lips caressing his own. He closed his eyes, and lifted his hands to push her closer to him. Her hands slid down to his chest as she let herself be pressed against the lieutenant. Forever it seemed they were locked tighter, lips intertwined, hearts racing. Each inhaled the other's smell, memorizing it, tasting it. Eyes slightly fluttering, the ensign pulled back and stared once more into the gray abyss. Malcolm smiled back. She swept her cheek slowly back and forth across his slightly scraggy face, finally letting her head rest on his shoulder. "Thank you," the almost inaudible noise escaped Reed's lips. She lifted her head to face his again, smiling broadly.

"You're welcome." Reed forged his lips against hers, his body quivering at her exhilarating touch. This kiss was more passionate, though it retained its tenderness. Their heads swayed unnoticed back and forth in opposition to the other, eyes closed, hearts thumping madly. Reed found himself clinging to her, just as he had done the night before. But this time it wasn't because he wanted to be comforted; it was because he wanted her. The lieutenant lifted his hand to caress her cheek, her forehead, her other cheek. The ensign felt herself becoming lost in a whirlwind of emotions and sensations, none of which she could sort out or cared to. The doors to sick bay flew open. Hands dropping immediately, and heads whipping to see who had entered, Reed and the ensign broke their affair. Trip's face blushed slightly as he stopped short in his tracks.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt anythin'," the commander sheepishly said, turning on his heels to go.

"No, Commander, quite alright. The Lieutenant and I were just . . . talking," the ensign said, pushing a loose piece of hair away from her eyes, own face turning a muted shade of pink.

"I just came by to see how ya were doin', Mal, but ya seem to be ok, so I'm gonna go," Trip said, slightly stuttering. The ensign lifted herself from the biobed.

"No, really, Commander. I was just leaving," she said. "I'll come by later sometime, if that's alright with you," she declared, turning to Reed.

"Yes, if you have time," Reed replied. Nodding faintly, the ensign hurried out of the infirmary. Reed smirked at Trip's raised eyebrow as the commander lowered himself into a chair.

"And I thought you weren't doin' too well. My mistake," Trip said, chuckling. "Is she ah . . . the one who . . . ya talked to?"

"Yeah, she is. How do you know?"

"Briefed by the Cap'n a while ago."

"I see. Does everyone know?" Reed inquired, somewhat afraid to hear the answer.

"No, jest me, Phlox, the Cap'n, and T'Pol. And the ensign, of course. How do ya know her?"

"I don't."

"Oh . . . I see," Trip answered, a little confused and hurt. "Why didn't you come to me?" Reed was a little surprised by the question, but tried to answer him without totally destroying their mild friendship.

"Well, I . . . I didn't really mean to tell her. I didn't want to tell her, I just did. It's not like I planned on it," he managed to say. Trip shook his head.

"That's not what I entirely mean. You coulda come and talked to me about any of that shit that was goin' on. I woulda listened. It just doesn't feel that great when one of yer friends tries ta . . . and ya feel like you coulda helped." Trip looked straight into the lieutenant's eyes. "Don't ever do that again, Malcolm. Hell, ya scared us all half to death," Trip said, him and Reed softly laughing at his unintended pun. The commander's face suddenly turned serious again. "You can always come talk to me. Anytime, anywhere. I know yer dad filled ya with protocol shit, stuff about crewmen and how you can't talk to me 'cause I'm your superior, but hell! I'm also your friend. And far as I'm concerned, we both belong on a star ship…"

***THE END***