Xander's not into guys. That's what he tells himself every morning when he wakes up to Jonathan's face, staring down at him from the dozen or so posters that Anya's plastered on every single wall.
It's weird, this having to remind himself. Xander's pretty sure that it's not even supposed to be an issue: that he's not supposed to worry about it. He shouldn't think about not thinking about guys. They should just be there, and he should just be Xander, not this big mess of angst that's been posing as Xander lately.
He thinks maybe it's the smile. It's a great smile: self-assured, but not cocky. It smiles up at him from every comic and book and video in the room. It's hard to avoid.
Usually he can rationalise it as a confidence thing. The guy oozes confidence, and it's tough not to be drawn to that. Everyone's drawn to Jonathan.
It's when the smile starts to make him all wibbly, that he starts to worry. Guys should not make him wibbly.
And it's not just the smile.
Last week, Anya brought over a copy of Jonathan's album. Xander still hasn't taken it out of his CD player. He tells himself it's because they had sex while it was playing: it's a reminder of sex. Sex with Anya. It's certainly not that the music is sexy. Even if the voice is smooth as melted chocolate and makes his insides soften like snow in the sun. That's certainly not why he falls asleep listening to it.
It's not getting any easier now that Jonathan's working alongside the Slayer-circle. Back in school Xander was just one of dozens of kids who got to watch Jonathan from across the cafeteria or down the hallways, but now he's patrolling with them, hanging out in Giles' apartment... Once he even sat next to Xander on Giles' couch.
Of course, it helps that none of the group seems to notice any differences in Xander's behaviour. The girls are allowed to swoon and fawn over Jonathan, so they focus all their attention on him instead of on Xander. Riley's too wrapped up in Buffy to pay attention to anyone else, and Giles...well, Giles still has the stiff-upper-lippiness going for him, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking. They just leave Xander alone to wonder why his body insists on liquefying inside whenever Jonathan's around.
Denial's become habitual, he knows that. Even when he wants to let everyone know just how amazing he feels, the hiding just happens without him even having to think about it. Because he's not into guys. It's not his fault if he tingles whenever he's close to Jonathan.
*****
It's weird, this having to remind himself. Xander's pretty sure that it's not even supposed to be an issue: that he's not supposed to worry about it. He shouldn't think about not thinking about guys. They should just be there, and he should just be Xander, not this big mess of angst that's been posing as Xander lately.
He thinks maybe it's the smile. It's a great smile: self-assured, but not cocky. It smiles up at him from every comic and book and video in the room. It's hard to avoid.
Usually he can rationalise it as a confidence thing. The guy oozes confidence, and it's tough not to be drawn to that. Everyone's drawn to Jonathan.
It's when the smile starts to make him all wibbly, that he starts to worry. Guys should not make him wibbly.
And it's not just the smile.
Last week, Anya brought over a copy of Jonathan's album. Xander still hasn't taken it out of his CD player. He tells himself it's because they had sex while it was playing: it's a reminder of sex. Sex with Anya. It's certainly not that the music is sexy. Even if the voice is smooth as melted chocolate and makes his insides soften like snow in the sun. That's certainly not why he falls asleep listening to it.
It's not getting any easier now that Jonathan's working alongside the Slayer-circle. Back in school Xander was just one of dozens of kids who got to watch Jonathan from across the cafeteria or down the hallways, but now he's patrolling with them, hanging out in Giles' apartment... Once he even sat next to Xander on Giles' couch.
Of course, it helps that none of the group seems to notice any differences in Xander's behaviour. The girls are allowed to swoon and fawn over Jonathan, so they focus all their attention on him instead of on Xander. Riley's too wrapped up in Buffy to pay attention to anyone else, and Giles...well, Giles still has the stiff-upper-lippiness going for him, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking. They just leave Xander alone to wonder why his body insists on liquefying inside whenever Jonathan's around.
Denial's become habitual, he knows that. Even when he wants to let everyone know just how amazing he feels, the hiding just happens without him even having to think about it. Because he's not into guys. It's not his fault if he tingles whenever he's close to Jonathan.
*****