Chapter Five: Oracle, Schmoracle

(cut to the Matrix)

(The rebels begin filing out of a building. Morphbus is wearing a trenchcoat and glasses. Finite has on a cape and purple leather. Gopher is wearing a big sign that says "Kick Me." Bitch is wearing all white. Louse has on a gray suit. Peo is wearing a small red thong. Gopher starts painting a sign on the building it says "WE ARE COMING HERE, KISS. SIGNED: GOPHER.")

Morphbus: What are you doing, gee?

Gopher: Uh…

Peo: It's obvious. By writing this, Kiss will think we aren't here and are trying to trick him into thinking we are. Right?

Gopher (relieved): Yea, that's it…

(cut to a hallway.)

Morphbus: I can only show you the door. You have to walk through it yourself.

Peo: Why is that?

Morphbus: Well, the doorknob's broken on this side, and you kinda have to kick the door in to enter, and when I'm high I can't see well enough. So…

Peo: Right, right…

(Peo kicks the door in.)

Oracle (from kitchen): DAMN IT MORPHBUS! NOT AGAIN! I TOLD YOU, USE THE FUCKING DOORBELL!

Morphbus: Sorry!

(a lady walks out and leads Peo into a room.)

Lady: These are the other adepts. Wait here.

(a bald boy is bending a spoon with his hands. A girl is levitating blocks with her hands.)

Peo: Who wants to play cards?

(he begins teaching the spoon boy how to play poker.)

Peo: Let's make this more exciting. How about my hat against your spoon.

Boy: Do not try to win the spoon; only try to realize the truth.

(the boy bends the spoon and bends it back with his hands.)

Peo: Here, let me try.

(Peo takes the spoon and breaks it in half. The boy stares at him and then breaks into tears.)

Peo: BEYOTCH!

(Peo throws a vase at him.)

Peo: He he!

(Peo takes the blocks from the girl and starts throwing them at her, and she runs into the kitchen. The Oracle and Bearaph enter)

Oracle: STOP, PEO! THOSE ARE MY KIDS, SHITFACE!

Bearaph: I can take you to the Oracle. But first, I must apologize.

Peo: For what?

Bearaph: For this.

(Bearaph starts fighting Peo; He is soon beating the crap out of him, literally. Peo's thong is stained brown.)

Oracle (walking in): BEARAPH! WRONG MOVIE, SHITHEAD!

Bearaph: Sorry.

(he leaves.)

Oracle: Come in. Have a…cookie. (she sniffs the air.) What smells like crap?

(Peo eats a brown wafer. The Oracle snickers.)

Oracle: Dumbass. Stick out your palms and open your mouth.

(when he does, Oracle gives him a French kiss.)

Oracle: He he! Works every time!

Peo: God dammit! Yuck!

Oracle: Anyway, don't worry about the vase.

Peo: What vase?

Oracle: The one you threw at my spoon kid, dumbass. God, you're annoying. I can't see why see likes you.

Peo: Who, Finite?

Oracle: No, Morphbus. We'll get to that later.

Peo: Okay. So, am I the One?

Oracle: No. And Gopher will betray you. And you will have to make a choice between your life and Morphbus's life. Oh, and Agent Kiss is gonna kill you.

Peo: Is that all?

Oracle: No, actually. Morphbus is biologically a woman, and he has designs on you. He and Finite will get into a fight. And Bitch is gonna die. And Louse. And Sentinels are gonna come after you. And then the Merovingian. Don't forget about the Key Maker!

Peo: What the hell?

Oracle: Sorry, got ahead of myself. Enjoy the cookie, dipshit.

Peo: Bye…

(Peo walks out, past the bleeding boy. He grabs Peo's leg.)

Boy: Water, please…

Peo: Ew…

(Peo steps on the boy's hand.)

Morphbus: What was said was for you and you alone.

Peo: Good.

(Peo looks at Morphbus strangely and backs away.)

Morphbus: What smells?

Peo (nervously): I don't know. What did the Oracle tell you?

Morphbus: That my operation would be successful, and that I would find the one. Or she could have said 'be a bum.' I was high at the time. Anyway, time to go.

(the two walk down to the car and get in. They don't notice the Agents following them in a neon pink car.)

Finite: What smells?

Peo: Morphbus