Chapter Eight: A "Crash" Course in Helicopter Piloting

(cut to the roof)

(Finite is standing over Peo, looking at a helicopter.)

Finite: Crank, I need a download on how to pilot a helicopter. (waits) Damn it, I said helicopter! Not ancient Egyptian sexual techniques! (waits) Thank you. Come on Peo.

(the two climb into the helicopter and lift off.)

(cut to the room)

(a helicopter appears hovering by the window.)

Kiss: Oh, shit!

(Peo opens fire, killing all three Agents but somehow miraculously missing Morphbus. Morphbus starts running towards the window.)

Peo: Go, Morphbus, go!

(Kiss comes in from a door and shoots Morphbus in the ankle. He stumbles.)

Finite: He's not going to make it!
Peo: Oh well, we did our best. If at first…AH!

Finite: GET OUT THERE JACKASS!

(Finite pushes Peo out of the helicopter. Peo grabs Morphbus and Finite flies away. As the fly, a seagull hits them in the engine tank. The helicopter begins to fall.)

Peo: OH CRAP! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I TAKE THE BLUE PILL????

Morphbus: Have faith, Peo. (looks down) OH SHIT!

Finite: Sayonara, suckas!

(Finite jumps out of the plane, a parachute on her back. She takes out a tube of white powder, unscrews the cap, and takes a deep whiff.)

Finite: Oh, thank God that's over.

(the helicopter crashes into a building. Morphbus and Peo land nearby on the roof a conveniently placed building.)

Peo: Something's been bothering me.

Morphbus: What?

Peo: Well, if this world isn't real, why can't we fly and shit?

Morphbus: We can!

Peo: Really?

Morphbus: Yea! Here, let me show you! (pushes Peo off roof) Bitch.

(Peo is falling off the building.)

Peo: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Peo grabs a window ledge and swings into a female bathroom. Bitch is standing in there.)

Peo: I thought you were dead!

Bitch: Nope. See, I'm really a program! And now I have to kill you!

(Bitch kicks Peo through a stall door where an Old Lady is sitting. The Lady pounds Peo on the head with a handbag. Peo jumps over her and runs up the wall. Bitch grabs his leg, swings him around, and throws him through a wall. He tumbles down forty flights of stairs and ends up in a subway, bleeding badly. He sees Morphbus and Finite.)

Peo: Guys! Wait up!

Finite (whispering): Shit! Hurry up, Morphbus!

(Morphbus exits the Matrix.)

Peo: I call next!

Finite: Bitch. (exits Matrix)

Bitch (entering): Yes?

Peo: AUGH!

(Bitch shoots the phone, causing it to shatter. She runs at Peo. Peo sidesteps and she flies into the subway tunnel. She is soon run over by a train.)

Peo: That's a relief.

(there is a sucking sound and a crazy bum turns into Agent Kiss.)

Kiss: Mister Handerson. You have caused me a great deal of trouble!

Peo: Good! I kill you now!

(They leap at each other firing guns. Time seems to slow down.)

Larry Wachowski: ANDY! STOP MESSING WITH THE TIME GAUGE!

Andy Wachowski: But Larry! Mom told you to share!!

Larry Wachowski: Yea, well, Mom's dead now, isn't she! Let go!

(there is a smacking sound and time returns to normal. The two end up with guns pointed at each other.)

Peo: You're empty.

Kiss: You too.

Peo: Psych! (shoots him) Whew! Now to get the hell out of here! Crank! Where's an exit?

Finite (deep voice): Um…sorry Peo, there aren't any.

Peo: Crank?

Crank (muffled): Gmbgh! Helgh methes!

Peo: Huh?

Finite: Bye!

Kiss: Mister Handerson!

Peo: Why the hell do you say that every damn time? God!

Kiss: It's Andy's fault. He wrote me!

Peo: Come on, time for a fight scene!

(They fight. Kiss grabs Peo and throws him onto the train tracks.)

Kiss: Sucka!

Peo: TAKE THIS! (rips off thong)

Kiss: MY EYES! (stumbles backwards)

(Peo leaps out of the tracks as a train hits Kiss. Kiss exits the subway.)

Peo: OH SHIT! THAT'S ONLY HAPPENED FIFTY TIMES BEFORE! DAMN! I DIDN'T EXPECT IT!

Kiss: DIE BEYOTCH!!!!

(Peo runs out of the subway. He climbs an apartment building, which turns out to be his. He races through it, stopping only to shoot his landlord.)

Peo: Bitch.

Bitch: Yes?

Peo (jumps): Goddam it! How do you keep doing that?

Bitch: (shrugs) I dunno.

Peo: Finite is coming! Stand right here by the door!

Bitch: Okay, thanks!

(Peo continues running. Kiss bursts through the door and kills Bitch. He chases Peo through the building. Not Important and Slightly More Important but Still Not Important appear at the end of the hallway. Peo hears a phone ringing, dashes into a room, and answers it.)

Peo: NO! WRONG MOVIE! (hangs up)

Kiss: I told you I'd be back!

Peo: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!