The One With the Ouija Board
A Friends fanfic by Pjazz
2003
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.
THE GANG ARE WATCHING 'DAYS OF OUR LIVES'.
RACHEL
Let me get this straight. Joey's character's long lost brother Brick is a transvestite, while you've got the brain of a woman transplanted in your skull?
JOEY
Uh huh. And later Brick gets a sex change and becomes Briquette Ramoray. Pretty cool, huh?
ROSS
Briquette? Sheesh, wouldn't want to invite him to a barbecue.
MONICA
Man, these writers are amazing. How do they keep coming up with this stuff?
CHANDLER
And all without the aid of mind-expanding drugs.
RACHEL
If Shakespeare were alive today he'd be writing for 'Days of our Lives'.
ROSS
Ah, hello. The Bard of Avon? The greatest literary talent of all time working for a daytime soap opera? I don't think so, Rach.
CHAND
'Lo what light through yonder window breaks? Tis Dr Ramoray with the transplanted brain of a woman.'
PHOEBE
Ross is right.
ROSS
Thank you, Phoebs.
PHOEBE
Shakespeare told me he'd really like to work in movies.
ROSS
Shakespeare told you? You, uh, talk to many playwrights who have been dead for 400 years?
PHOEBE
A few.
ROSS
Isn't that...insane?
PHOEBE
Well obviously I don't talk to him by phone.
CHAND
Shakespeare's unlisted. I checked. These paranoid celebrities.
PHOEBE
I contact him with my ouija board.
RACHEL
Aren't those things dangerous?
PHOEBE
No, you're thinking of guns. Bullets and shooting and stuff. Ouija boards are safe. Though you amateurs shouldn't meddle.
MONICA
You saying we're a bunch of wusses?
PHOEBE
Uh huh. Pretty much.
CHAND
We're not wusses.
JOEY
Chandler, you were too fraidy cat to go see the new Harry Potter movie.
CHAND
Voldemort's really scary!
MONICA
I had to tell him what happened and he still peed his pants.
RACHEL
Chandler!
CHAND
Hey, it was an involuntary loss of bladder control. It's a proven medical condition.
ROSS
You talk to many, uh, dead people, Phoebs?
PHOEBE
Uh huh. Marilyn Monroe and I are really good friends. Did you know she was doing it with President Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy and Rock Hudson?
RACHEL
Rock Hudson was gay, Phoebs.
PHOEBE
He was?
RACHEL
Uh huh.
PHOEBE
(YELLS) Here that, Marilyn? Rock was gay, you dumb bitch! Ugh, she had such terrible taste in men. Like Monica.
CHAND
Hey, I resent that.
MONICA
It's true, honey.
CHAND
Yeah,but..jeez.
JOEY
You ever talk to Robert DeNiro?
RACHEL
Robert DeNiro's alive, Joe.
JOEY
I knew that. I just wondered if Phoebe ever talked to him.
ROSS
Not that I believe any of this, but do you ever talk to Albert Einstein?
PHOEBE
All the time. He explained E=MC2 to me. It's really quite simple.
ROSS
Uh, Phoebs, some of the greatest minds in history don't fully understand what E=MC2 means.
PHOEBE
Yea for me! Oh, and Einstein is a really big Knicks fan.
JOEY
Way to go, Einstein!
MONICA
You should bring the ouija board round. Then we can all talk to the dead.
ROSS
And share her lunacy? No, thank you.
MONICA
Chandler could wear his special rubber pants.
JOEY
Dude, you told me they were to help you lose weight!
CHAND
It's a proven medical condition, people.
PHOEBE
Alrighty. I'll bring it over tomorrow night.
CHAND
Oh man, I am never drinking liquids again.
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.
BEDROOM.
A WATER BED HAS JUST BEEN INSTALLED.
MONICA
Wow. A water bed. This is so 70s. I feel I should have flicks in my hair and be called Farrah.
CHAND
Should we try it out? Our maiden voyage, so to speak?
MONICA
Phoebe's coming over, remember?
CHAND
Right. The ouija board. Talking to dead people. Big passion killer.
MONICA
And don't brag to Joey we've got a water bed. He'll only bring dates over here.
CUT TO
LIVING ROOM. LATER.
THE GANG ARE SAT AROUND THE TABLE WITH A OUIJA BOARD, LIT ONLY BY CANDLES.
MONICA
I didn't know what kind of snacks go best with raising the dead, so I baked cookies and chilli dip. Take your pick.
PHOEBE
We're not raising the dead, Monica. We're communicating with the afterlife.
ROSS
Yeah, Monica. Get real.
CHAND
It's kinda spooky with just the candles lit.
MONICA
You got your rubber pants on, right?
CHAND
Check.
RACHEL
Who should we talk to first?
JOEY
How about Elvis? The King.
PHOEBE
Okay. Elvis? Are you there?
RACHEL
Whoa!
MONICA
What is it? Do you feel Elvis?
RACHEL
Well, someone just felt my butt.
JOEY
That was me. Sorry. Reflex action. When the lights go out, Joey goes for the good stuff.
PHOEBE
I think I sense Elvis.
ROSS
Yeah? Ask him to sing a song, why don't you.
PHOEBE
Elvis says his throat's kinda sore.
ROSS
From all those cheese burgers. Ask him if it's true he was so fat he wore nappies on stage.
PHOEBE
Ross, Elvis says when you're dead he's going to hunt you down and whup you like a dog.
ROSS
You're kidding, right? Because that's not funny. I bruise like a peach.
PHOEBE
OOh ooh, Monica. Elvis says your cookies smell delicious. Just like his mama used to bake.
MONICA
Why thank you, Elvis. Always been a big fan.
RACHEL
You can smell stuff in the afterlife?
PHOEBE
Sure. And taste it. And you never gain a pound.
MONICA
Oh man, I'm gonna love being dead!
RACHEL
Try Lee Harvey Oswald. I want to know did he really shoot JFK or was it all a conspiracy.
PHOEBE
Ok. Ooh. Ooh. Sorry, Rach. Lee's busy shooting skeet. With John Lennon. Which is kinda ironic what with the all the 'Give Peace a Chance' schtick.
ROSS
Any chance of a chat with James Joyce? There are a few questions I have regarding 'Ulysses'.
JOEY
Forget that. Try Joe DiMaggio. Or Babe Ruth.
RACHEL
Jackie Onassis.
MONICA
Princess Diana.
PHOEBE
Not all at once, people! Let's see. Princess Di? Oh, I'm so sorry, your royal highness.
RACHEL
What happened?
PHOEBE
She was with Dodi Fayed. Let's just say, nice buns.
CHAND
You can have sex in the afterlife?
PHOEBE
Sure. With anyone you want.
JOEY
Man, I'm going to love being dead, too!
PHOEBE
Ok, who next?
JOEY
I know, try Notre Dame.
ROSS
Notre Dame's not a person, Joe.
JOEY
He is too. Notre Dame, the guy who predicted the future. Ask him if he knows the lottery numbers.
ROSS
That's Nostradamus.
JOEY
Notre Dame-us.
ROSS
Close enough. That's not a bad idea, though.
MONICA
Oh so now Agent Scully's suddenly a believer. Ross, you are such a hypocrite.
ROSS
I may be a hypocrite but at least I'm a ...greedy hypocrite.
RACHEL
And ask Nostradamus how the new Ralph Lauren Fall line is gonna do. If it's a hit I get a big bonus.
MONICA
Rach, if Nostradamus gives us the lottery numbers you could afford to buy Ralph Lauren.
RACH
Hey that'd be cool. I could totally fire that bitch in internal accounting. No money for a new coffee machine, my ass.
PHOEBE
Nostradamus. Are you there, Nostradamus? Talk avec Mademoiselle Phoebe.
JOEY
Come in crazy dead French dude.
PHOEBE
Will you shush. I can't hear the dead.
RACHEL
Yeah, shush.
PHOEBE
Will you shush shushing, Rachel.
RACHEL
Sorry, Phoebs.
SUDDENLY PHOEBE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT. SHE SPEAKS IN A DEEP, SONOROUS MAN'S VOICE.
PHOEBE
HARK, O MOST UNRIGHTEOUS MEDDLERS! WATER IST WHENCE THOU CAME, AND WATER WHENCE THOU SHALL
RETURN. BEWARE! THE BRINE SHALL SEAL THY FATE!
THE CANDLES GO OUT.
THE GIRLS SCREAM. THEN CHANDLER.
JOEY
My eyes! What happened to my eyes!
ROSS
The candles went out, Joe.
JOEY
Oh thank God!
RACHEL
Omigod! Something touched my butt.
JOEY
That was me again. Sorry.
PHOEBE
Was that Nostradamus?
ROSS
Well it sure as hell wasn't Walt Whitman.
PHOEBE
Ugh! What's that smell?
CHAND
Dammit, the rubber pants sprang a leak.
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S BEDROOM. LATER.
CHANDLER'S IN PJ'S, MONICA A NIGHTIE.
CHAND
You really want to do this? Nostradamus didn't totally freak you out?
MONICA
Sure. That 'the brine shall seal thy fate?' That's Phoebe trying to scare us.
CHAND
It sure didn't sound like Phoebe.
MONICA
You wanna have sex, or discuss Phoebe's practical joke?
CHAND
Ok. Let's get it on. On the count of 3. 1. 2. 3.
MONICA AND CHANDLER LEAP ON THE WATER BED. IT BURSTS, SENDING WATER EVERYWHERE.
CUT TO
INT. BEDROOM. LATER.
MR TREAGER, THE BUILDING SUPER, AND A BEDRAGGLED MONICA AND CHANDLER ARE SURVEYING THE SODDEN MESS.
MR TREAGER
Wow. I haven't seen a water bed outside a 70s porn film.
MONICA
Do ya think you can help us? We tried mopping up, but it's no use. There's too much water.
MR TREAGER
Technically you're in breach of the tenancy agreement. I should have you evicted.
MONICA
Oh please, Mr Treager. Don't kick us out.
CHAND
Yeah, man. We'll get rid of the bed. Help us out here.
MR TREAGER
What the hell. I've got a pump downstairs I used when the laundry room mysteriously flooded. I'll bring it up.
CHAND
(TO MONICA) Should I tell him it was my fault the laundry room flooded?
MONICA
(TO CHAND) You do and I'll chop your fool head off.
INT. CENTRAL PERK.
ROSS SEATED AT THE COUNTER.
BRIDGET, A PRETTY ENGLISH GIRL, ENTERS.
BRIDGET
(TO GUNTHER) 'Cuse me. You wouldn't happen to serve tea?
GUNTHER
Sure.
BRIDGET
Brill. I could murder a cuppa.
ROSS
You're either English, or a very weird psycopath. Murder a cuppa, I mean, not that you're a weird psy.....Hi, I'm Ross.
BRIDGET
Bridget.
ROSS
Like Bridget Jones? I love that movie. I love fat girls. Um, not that you're fat. The movie was so empowering for....
BRDGET
Fat girls?
ROSS
Uh huh.
BRIDGET
Nice to know.
FRANK, A ROYAL NAVY SAILOR IN UNIFORM, ENTERS.
FRANK
Oi, what are you doing pulling my bird?
ROSS
Excuse me? What bird? There's no birds here. Try the aviary. Jeez.
BRIDGET
This is Frank, my fiancee. Frank, Ross. He likes fat girls.
FRANK
You calling my bird fat?
ROSS
Oh, bird means woman in England. Here it's broad. Bridget's a broad.
BRIDGET
I'm broad, am I? As well as fat.
ROSS
No, no. American women are broads. You're a fat bird. No, sorry. Just a bird. Not fat. Or broad.
BRIDGET
You're a horrible sexist pig. Frank, punch his lights out.
FRANK THROWS A PUNCH AT ROSS.
CUT TO
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. LATER.
ROSS HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS NOSE. PHOEBE AND RACHEL FUSS AROUND HIM.
ROSS
I mean I know Onagi. I could literally have killed that guy with my bare hands.
RACHEL
Right. Onagi. How come you're the one with the busted nose?
ROSS
Don't touch it. It's still very tender. I mean, big deal so he's in the British Royal navy. So he knew a few moves, very painful moves. All I had to do was use Onagi and he'd have been begging for mercy.
MONICA
Where's Mr Treager? He promised to pump our bedroom.
RACHEL
I can't believe you guys bought a water bed and didn't tell us.
MONICA
Oh I'm sorry, Rach. Hey, big news, we bought a water bed and now our bedroom looks like lake Michigan. Happy now?
JOEY ENTERS. HE LOOKS SICK.
PHOEBE
Joey, you ok? You look terrible.
JOEY
I had the oysters at that new seafood place in the village. I got a hot date tonight so I figured, y'know, oysters are a big afro dizzy thing.
CHAND
Aphrodisiac.
JOEY
Yeah. Only I guess they must've been bad, cause I been puking my guts out all the way home.
MONICA
It's all the pollution in the sea. You gotta buy from a reputable supplier.
PHOEBE
Oh! Oh! The sea. Nostradamus's prediction. 'The brine shall seal your fate.'--- It's coming true!
ROSS
What?
PHOEBE
Monica and Chandler's water bed flooded the bedroom. Joey got poisoned by bad oysters. Ross got beat up by a sailor.Nostradamus predicted it.
ROSS
Hey, I was this close to using Onagi.
RACHEL
Ross, please.
ROSS
Yeah, I got my ass kicked by a sailor .
PHOEBE
What about you, Rach? Has anything bad happened to you?
RACHEL
Well, I'm wearing a new bra and that cute guy at work didn't even notice. And it makes my boobs look all perky.
JOEY
I noticed. Killer rack.
RACHEL
Thanks, Joey.
JOEY
I think I'm gonna puke again. (EXITS)
RACHEL
Ok, not quite the response I'd hoped for.
PHOEBE
May be Nostradamus's prediction doesn't apply to me and Rachel because we're so cute and sexy.
MONICA
Oh please. I'm just as cute and sexy as you two.
CHAND
That's right.
PHOEBE
Oh yeah? If you're so hot, Monica Gellar, how come you didn't marry better?
CHAND
I resent that!
MONICA
It's true, honey.
CHAND
I know, but..jeeez. Two for two.
MR TREAGER ENTERS, DRAGGING A LARGE PUMP.
MONICA
At last.
MR TREAGER
What's that?
MONICA
I said...how fast. Do you work out?
CHAND
I'll say. Look at the biceps on this guy. And the glutes. Amazing definition.
MONICA
Honey, suck up. Don't try and get him into bed.
CUT TO
BEDROOM. THE PUMP IS SET UP.
CHAND
Where should I put the end of the hose? In the toilet?
MR TREAGER
No. It'll overload the pipes. Stick it out the window. We'll pump the water out into the street.
CHANDLER THROWS THE END OF THE HOSE OUT THE WINDOW.
THE PUMP STARTS TO WORK.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.
RACHEL AND PHOEBE.
RACHEL
So you really think Nostradamus's prediction doesn't apply to us because we're too cute and sexy.
PHOEBE
Uh huh. Nostradamus was French. You know what French guys are like. They're suckers when it comes to hot babes like us. We're free and clear. No brine's gonna seal our fate.
THE HOSE FROM THE APARTMENT ABOVE DISCHARGES GALLONS OF WATER ON TO RACHEL AND PHOEBE.
THEY ARE THOROUGHLY SOAKED.
PHOEBE
Dammit, Nostradamus! Were you gay?
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.
CHANDLER IS GOOFING AROUND WITH THE OUIJA BOARD.
HE HAS HIS FINGER ON AN UPTURNED GLASS, WHICH MOVES AS HE ASKS QUESTIONS.
CHAND
So I'm really talking to Marilyn Monroe?
GLASS MOVES TO YES.
CHAND
The Marilyn Monroe?
YES
CHAND
Man, this is so cool!
YES
CHAND
Say, when I'm dead how about we get together?
NO
CHAND
No? You don't want to do it with me?
NO
CHAND
In all eternity?
NO
CHAND
Who do you want to do it with?
J - O - E - Y
CHAND
Joey? Marilyn Monroe wants to do it with Joey Tribianni?
YES
CHAND
Dammit, Joey gets all the hot dead chicks.
THE END
***
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***
A Friends fanfic by Pjazz
2003
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.
THE GANG ARE WATCHING 'DAYS OF OUR LIVES'.
RACHEL
Let me get this straight. Joey's character's long lost brother Brick is a transvestite, while you've got the brain of a woman transplanted in your skull?
JOEY
Uh huh. And later Brick gets a sex change and becomes Briquette Ramoray. Pretty cool, huh?
ROSS
Briquette? Sheesh, wouldn't want to invite him to a barbecue.
MONICA
Man, these writers are amazing. How do they keep coming up with this stuff?
CHANDLER
And all without the aid of mind-expanding drugs.
RACHEL
If Shakespeare were alive today he'd be writing for 'Days of our Lives'.
ROSS
Ah, hello. The Bard of Avon? The greatest literary talent of all time working for a daytime soap opera? I don't think so, Rach.
CHAND
'Lo what light through yonder window breaks? Tis Dr Ramoray with the transplanted brain of a woman.'
PHOEBE
Ross is right.
ROSS
Thank you, Phoebs.
PHOEBE
Shakespeare told me he'd really like to work in movies.
ROSS
Shakespeare told you? You, uh, talk to many playwrights who have been dead for 400 years?
PHOEBE
A few.
ROSS
Isn't that...insane?
PHOEBE
Well obviously I don't talk to him by phone.
CHAND
Shakespeare's unlisted. I checked. These paranoid celebrities.
PHOEBE
I contact him with my ouija board.
RACHEL
Aren't those things dangerous?
PHOEBE
No, you're thinking of guns. Bullets and shooting and stuff. Ouija boards are safe. Though you amateurs shouldn't meddle.
MONICA
You saying we're a bunch of wusses?
PHOEBE
Uh huh. Pretty much.
CHAND
We're not wusses.
JOEY
Chandler, you were too fraidy cat to go see the new Harry Potter movie.
CHAND
Voldemort's really scary!
MONICA
I had to tell him what happened and he still peed his pants.
RACHEL
Chandler!
CHAND
Hey, it was an involuntary loss of bladder control. It's a proven medical condition.
ROSS
You talk to many, uh, dead people, Phoebs?
PHOEBE
Uh huh. Marilyn Monroe and I are really good friends. Did you know she was doing it with President Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy and Rock Hudson?
RACHEL
Rock Hudson was gay, Phoebs.
PHOEBE
He was?
RACHEL
Uh huh.
PHOEBE
(YELLS) Here that, Marilyn? Rock was gay, you dumb bitch! Ugh, she had such terrible taste in men. Like Monica.
CHAND
Hey, I resent that.
MONICA
It's true, honey.
CHAND
Yeah,but..jeez.
JOEY
You ever talk to Robert DeNiro?
RACHEL
Robert DeNiro's alive, Joe.
JOEY
I knew that. I just wondered if Phoebe ever talked to him.
ROSS
Not that I believe any of this, but do you ever talk to Albert Einstein?
PHOEBE
All the time. He explained E=MC2 to me. It's really quite simple.
ROSS
Uh, Phoebs, some of the greatest minds in history don't fully understand what E=MC2 means.
PHOEBE
Yea for me! Oh, and Einstein is a really big Knicks fan.
JOEY
Way to go, Einstein!
MONICA
You should bring the ouija board round. Then we can all talk to the dead.
ROSS
And share her lunacy? No, thank you.
MONICA
Chandler could wear his special rubber pants.
JOEY
Dude, you told me they were to help you lose weight!
CHAND
It's a proven medical condition, people.
PHOEBE
Alrighty. I'll bring it over tomorrow night.
CHAND
Oh man, I am never drinking liquids again.
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.
BEDROOM.
A WATER BED HAS JUST BEEN INSTALLED.
MONICA
Wow. A water bed. This is so 70s. I feel I should have flicks in my hair and be called Farrah.
CHAND
Should we try it out? Our maiden voyage, so to speak?
MONICA
Phoebe's coming over, remember?
CHAND
Right. The ouija board. Talking to dead people. Big passion killer.
MONICA
And don't brag to Joey we've got a water bed. He'll only bring dates over here.
CUT TO
LIVING ROOM. LATER.
THE GANG ARE SAT AROUND THE TABLE WITH A OUIJA BOARD, LIT ONLY BY CANDLES.
MONICA
I didn't know what kind of snacks go best with raising the dead, so I baked cookies and chilli dip. Take your pick.
PHOEBE
We're not raising the dead, Monica. We're communicating with the afterlife.
ROSS
Yeah, Monica. Get real.
CHAND
It's kinda spooky with just the candles lit.
MONICA
You got your rubber pants on, right?
CHAND
Check.
RACHEL
Who should we talk to first?
JOEY
How about Elvis? The King.
PHOEBE
Okay. Elvis? Are you there?
RACHEL
Whoa!
MONICA
What is it? Do you feel Elvis?
RACHEL
Well, someone just felt my butt.
JOEY
That was me. Sorry. Reflex action. When the lights go out, Joey goes for the good stuff.
PHOEBE
I think I sense Elvis.
ROSS
Yeah? Ask him to sing a song, why don't you.
PHOEBE
Elvis says his throat's kinda sore.
ROSS
From all those cheese burgers. Ask him if it's true he was so fat he wore nappies on stage.
PHOEBE
Ross, Elvis says when you're dead he's going to hunt you down and whup you like a dog.
ROSS
You're kidding, right? Because that's not funny. I bruise like a peach.
PHOEBE
OOh ooh, Monica. Elvis says your cookies smell delicious. Just like his mama used to bake.
MONICA
Why thank you, Elvis. Always been a big fan.
RACHEL
You can smell stuff in the afterlife?
PHOEBE
Sure. And taste it. And you never gain a pound.
MONICA
Oh man, I'm gonna love being dead!
RACHEL
Try Lee Harvey Oswald. I want to know did he really shoot JFK or was it all a conspiracy.
PHOEBE
Ok. Ooh. Ooh. Sorry, Rach. Lee's busy shooting skeet. With John Lennon. Which is kinda ironic what with the all the 'Give Peace a Chance' schtick.
ROSS
Any chance of a chat with James Joyce? There are a few questions I have regarding 'Ulysses'.
JOEY
Forget that. Try Joe DiMaggio. Or Babe Ruth.
RACHEL
Jackie Onassis.
MONICA
Princess Diana.
PHOEBE
Not all at once, people! Let's see. Princess Di? Oh, I'm so sorry, your royal highness.
RACHEL
What happened?
PHOEBE
She was with Dodi Fayed. Let's just say, nice buns.
CHAND
You can have sex in the afterlife?
PHOEBE
Sure. With anyone you want.
JOEY
Man, I'm going to love being dead, too!
PHOEBE
Ok, who next?
JOEY
I know, try Notre Dame.
ROSS
Notre Dame's not a person, Joe.
JOEY
He is too. Notre Dame, the guy who predicted the future. Ask him if he knows the lottery numbers.
ROSS
That's Nostradamus.
JOEY
Notre Dame-us.
ROSS
Close enough. That's not a bad idea, though.
MONICA
Oh so now Agent Scully's suddenly a believer. Ross, you are such a hypocrite.
ROSS
I may be a hypocrite but at least I'm a ...greedy hypocrite.
RACHEL
And ask Nostradamus how the new Ralph Lauren Fall line is gonna do. If it's a hit I get a big bonus.
MONICA
Rach, if Nostradamus gives us the lottery numbers you could afford to buy Ralph Lauren.
RACH
Hey that'd be cool. I could totally fire that bitch in internal accounting. No money for a new coffee machine, my ass.
PHOEBE
Nostradamus. Are you there, Nostradamus? Talk avec Mademoiselle Phoebe.
JOEY
Come in crazy dead French dude.
PHOEBE
Will you shush. I can't hear the dead.
RACHEL
Yeah, shush.
PHOEBE
Will you shush shushing, Rachel.
RACHEL
Sorry, Phoebs.
SUDDENLY PHOEBE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT. SHE SPEAKS IN A DEEP, SONOROUS MAN'S VOICE.
PHOEBE
HARK, O MOST UNRIGHTEOUS MEDDLERS! WATER IST WHENCE THOU CAME, AND WATER WHENCE THOU SHALL
RETURN. BEWARE! THE BRINE SHALL SEAL THY FATE!
THE CANDLES GO OUT.
THE GIRLS SCREAM. THEN CHANDLER.
JOEY
My eyes! What happened to my eyes!
ROSS
The candles went out, Joe.
JOEY
Oh thank God!
RACHEL
Omigod! Something touched my butt.
JOEY
That was me again. Sorry.
PHOEBE
Was that Nostradamus?
ROSS
Well it sure as hell wasn't Walt Whitman.
PHOEBE
Ugh! What's that smell?
CHAND
Dammit, the rubber pants sprang a leak.
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S BEDROOM. LATER.
CHANDLER'S IN PJ'S, MONICA A NIGHTIE.
CHAND
You really want to do this? Nostradamus didn't totally freak you out?
MONICA
Sure. That 'the brine shall seal thy fate?' That's Phoebe trying to scare us.
CHAND
It sure didn't sound like Phoebe.
MONICA
You wanna have sex, or discuss Phoebe's practical joke?
CHAND
Ok. Let's get it on. On the count of 3. 1. 2. 3.
MONICA AND CHANDLER LEAP ON THE WATER BED. IT BURSTS, SENDING WATER EVERYWHERE.
CUT TO
INT. BEDROOM. LATER.
MR TREAGER, THE BUILDING SUPER, AND A BEDRAGGLED MONICA AND CHANDLER ARE SURVEYING THE SODDEN MESS.
MR TREAGER
Wow. I haven't seen a water bed outside a 70s porn film.
MONICA
Do ya think you can help us? We tried mopping up, but it's no use. There's too much water.
MR TREAGER
Technically you're in breach of the tenancy agreement. I should have you evicted.
MONICA
Oh please, Mr Treager. Don't kick us out.
CHAND
Yeah, man. We'll get rid of the bed. Help us out here.
MR TREAGER
What the hell. I've got a pump downstairs I used when the laundry room mysteriously flooded. I'll bring it up.
CHAND
(TO MONICA) Should I tell him it was my fault the laundry room flooded?
MONICA
(TO CHAND) You do and I'll chop your fool head off.
INT. CENTRAL PERK.
ROSS SEATED AT THE COUNTER.
BRIDGET, A PRETTY ENGLISH GIRL, ENTERS.
BRIDGET
(TO GUNTHER) 'Cuse me. You wouldn't happen to serve tea?
GUNTHER
Sure.
BRIDGET
Brill. I could murder a cuppa.
ROSS
You're either English, or a very weird psycopath. Murder a cuppa, I mean, not that you're a weird psy.....Hi, I'm Ross.
BRIDGET
Bridget.
ROSS
Like Bridget Jones? I love that movie. I love fat girls. Um, not that you're fat. The movie was so empowering for....
BRDGET
Fat girls?
ROSS
Uh huh.
BRIDGET
Nice to know.
FRANK, A ROYAL NAVY SAILOR IN UNIFORM, ENTERS.
FRANK
Oi, what are you doing pulling my bird?
ROSS
Excuse me? What bird? There's no birds here. Try the aviary. Jeez.
BRIDGET
This is Frank, my fiancee. Frank, Ross. He likes fat girls.
FRANK
You calling my bird fat?
ROSS
Oh, bird means woman in England. Here it's broad. Bridget's a broad.
BRIDGET
I'm broad, am I? As well as fat.
ROSS
No, no. American women are broads. You're a fat bird. No, sorry. Just a bird. Not fat. Or broad.
BRIDGET
You're a horrible sexist pig. Frank, punch his lights out.
FRANK THROWS A PUNCH AT ROSS.
CUT TO
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. LATER.
ROSS HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS NOSE. PHOEBE AND RACHEL FUSS AROUND HIM.
ROSS
I mean I know Onagi. I could literally have killed that guy with my bare hands.
RACHEL
Right. Onagi. How come you're the one with the busted nose?
ROSS
Don't touch it. It's still very tender. I mean, big deal so he's in the British Royal navy. So he knew a few moves, very painful moves. All I had to do was use Onagi and he'd have been begging for mercy.
MONICA
Where's Mr Treager? He promised to pump our bedroom.
RACHEL
I can't believe you guys bought a water bed and didn't tell us.
MONICA
Oh I'm sorry, Rach. Hey, big news, we bought a water bed and now our bedroom looks like lake Michigan. Happy now?
JOEY ENTERS. HE LOOKS SICK.
PHOEBE
Joey, you ok? You look terrible.
JOEY
I had the oysters at that new seafood place in the village. I got a hot date tonight so I figured, y'know, oysters are a big afro dizzy thing.
CHAND
Aphrodisiac.
JOEY
Yeah. Only I guess they must've been bad, cause I been puking my guts out all the way home.
MONICA
It's all the pollution in the sea. You gotta buy from a reputable supplier.
PHOEBE
Oh! Oh! The sea. Nostradamus's prediction. 'The brine shall seal your fate.'--- It's coming true!
ROSS
What?
PHOEBE
Monica and Chandler's water bed flooded the bedroom. Joey got poisoned by bad oysters. Ross got beat up by a sailor.Nostradamus predicted it.
ROSS
Hey, I was this close to using Onagi.
RACHEL
Ross, please.
ROSS
Yeah, I got my ass kicked by a sailor .
PHOEBE
What about you, Rach? Has anything bad happened to you?
RACHEL
Well, I'm wearing a new bra and that cute guy at work didn't even notice. And it makes my boobs look all perky.
JOEY
I noticed. Killer rack.
RACHEL
Thanks, Joey.
JOEY
I think I'm gonna puke again. (EXITS)
RACHEL
Ok, not quite the response I'd hoped for.
PHOEBE
May be Nostradamus's prediction doesn't apply to me and Rachel because we're so cute and sexy.
MONICA
Oh please. I'm just as cute and sexy as you two.
CHAND
That's right.
PHOEBE
Oh yeah? If you're so hot, Monica Gellar, how come you didn't marry better?
CHAND
I resent that!
MONICA
It's true, honey.
CHAND
I know, but..jeeez. Two for two.
MR TREAGER ENTERS, DRAGGING A LARGE PUMP.
MONICA
At last.
MR TREAGER
What's that?
MONICA
I said...how fast. Do you work out?
CHAND
I'll say. Look at the biceps on this guy. And the glutes. Amazing definition.
MONICA
Honey, suck up. Don't try and get him into bed.
CUT TO
BEDROOM. THE PUMP IS SET UP.
CHAND
Where should I put the end of the hose? In the toilet?
MR TREAGER
No. It'll overload the pipes. Stick it out the window. We'll pump the water out into the street.
CHANDLER THROWS THE END OF THE HOSE OUT THE WINDOW.
THE PUMP STARTS TO WORK.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.
RACHEL AND PHOEBE.
RACHEL
So you really think Nostradamus's prediction doesn't apply to us because we're too cute and sexy.
PHOEBE
Uh huh. Nostradamus was French. You know what French guys are like. They're suckers when it comes to hot babes like us. We're free and clear. No brine's gonna seal our fate.
THE HOSE FROM THE APARTMENT ABOVE DISCHARGES GALLONS OF WATER ON TO RACHEL AND PHOEBE.
THEY ARE THOROUGHLY SOAKED.
PHOEBE
Dammit, Nostradamus! Were you gay?
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.
CHANDLER IS GOOFING AROUND WITH THE OUIJA BOARD.
HE HAS HIS FINGER ON AN UPTURNED GLASS, WHICH MOVES AS HE ASKS QUESTIONS.
CHAND
So I'm really talking to Marilyn Monroe?
GLASS MOVES TO YES.
CHAND
The Marilyn Monroe?
YES
CHAND
Man, this is so cool!
YES
CHAND
Say, when I'm dead how about we get together?
NO
CHAND
No? You don't want to do it with me?
NO
CHAND
In all eternity?
NO
CHAND
Who do you want to do it with?
J - O - E - Y
CHAND
Joey? Marilyn Monroe wants to do it with Joey Tribianni?
YES
CHAND
Dammit, Joey gets all the hot dead chicks.
THE END
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