Important Author's Notes: I started this story when I began to see several repeats of similar plots in the Harry Potter section. However, this story is in no way saying that the stories represented or any material/persons presented here are bad, or that they are stupid, or any other implication of discrimination. I have absolutely nothing against the characters, people, themes, plot lines, or anything else you feel I may be insulting. This story is only meant to poke fun at stuff, not to hurt other's feelings, suggest that certain stories should be banned or anything like that. If you feel I am doing this, consider the fact that there would be no humour in the world if it wasn't making fun of something.
BIG THANKS TO JIFFER AND SILVER PHOENIX, WHO BETA READ THIS CHAPTER!
Disclaimer: I own not. So sue not.
Harry Potter and the Plot Parody (and other unrelated issues)
Alan of Trebond was a highly unusual boy in many ways. For one thing, he was not the focus of this story. Some kid named Harry was. Anyway…
Harry Potter woke up in the morning with a burning pain on his scar.
"GYAAAAHHHHHHHHH! It burns!" he yelled.
Harry shot straight up and saw that his best friend, Ron Weasley, was standing over him with a red-hot branding iron.
"Ron! What in the name of Dungbombs do you think you're doing?" Harry asked indignantly.
"I was branding a rain cloud on your forehead."
"What!"
"I said-" Ron began.
"I heard you before! Why in bloody hell would you do something like that?"
"Well," said Ron, "you've already got a lightning shaped scar, and you can't have lightning without rain clouds."
"Yes you can," Harry disagreed. "It's called dry lightning."
"How am I supposed to know? I never went to a Muggle school, and my parents never told me anything."
"Like how you're not supposed to brand your best friend?' Harry asked sarcastically.
"Mom might've mentioned it once," Ron said thoughtfully, "but I don't remember it exactly. Besides, it doesn't look that bad, and it gives your scar a 3-dimensional effect."
Harry sighed. "I suppose so. It's better than what I thought it was burning for. I figured Voldemort was back for another go."
"He probably is. The day's off to a weird start already, so he should be here sometime tonight," Ron advised.
"Probably," Harry agreed, "He's like a Fanged Frisbee, he keeps on coming back to bite you in the arse."
* 8 * 8 * 8 * 8 * 8 *
Harry was making his way down to the Great Hall to eat breakfast when he met up with Hermione and Ron.
"Harry, what's that on your forehead?" Hermione said as she spotted his slightly altered scar.
"It's a rain cloud. What's it to you?"
"Looks more like road-kill than a cloud."
Ron went neon red in the face and retorted, "So? Maybe he'll start a new trend!"
"Yeah," Harry said as they and all the other students got seated in the Great Hall. "It's not like all of your ideas are big hits."
"Give an example of one idea of mine that hasn't worked," Hermione said skeptically.
"Does 'spew' ring the bell?" said Ron. A fire alarm went off and Ron looked triumphantly at Hermione.
"Well, it hasn't finished yet!" Hermione defended. "I'm still working on it!"
"I thought it ended when you tried to sell badges to the Slytherins," Harry said.
The little devils they spoke of were currently showing off some of the varieties of cheese they had swiped from Hogsmeade. Those losers. Who steals cheese, anyway?
"Didn't they all buy the badges, though?" Ron asked.
"Yes, but when I turned around, they threw them at me all at the same time. It was rather painful having two hundred and fifty badges hit me simultaneously in the head. But that's beside the point. It doesn't mean that S. P. E. W. won't work!"
"Don't worry, Hermione. We'll say a little prayer for you," said Ron as if it was a line from an extremely cheesy feel-good movie. He also completely compromised his character.
"What do you mean?"
Ron nodded at Harry, who took the hint immediately. All in an instant, music started playing in the background and both Harry and Ron began to sing.
"The moment I wake up, before I put on my make up!"
Ginny, Lavender and Parvati, who had caught on, sang with them. "I say a little prayer for you!"
"While combing my hair now, while wondering what dress to wear now!
All of Harry's year joined in. "I say a little prayer for you!"
Profanities and suggestions as to whether they were Drag Queens or not were directed to the boys singing. But they, like in all musicals, ignored the people not involved because that would break all rules of belting out your favorite tune. Who cares how off key you are?
"Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart, and I will love you-"
The entire Gryffindor table (and a few Hufflepuffs, too) was singing now. "-Forever and ever we never will part. Oh, how I love you! Together! Forever! That's how it should be, and life without you would only mean heartbreak for me!"
"I run for the bus, dear. While riding I think of us, dear--" Ron sang as he jumped onto the table and tap danced.
"WE GET THE POINT ALREADY!" said a random teacher. Many students cheered in agreement. The music stopped. Hermione's eyes shone with appreciation.
"Did you really mean that?"
"No," Harry said flatly. "We just needed a musical number."
"Oh…Well, your scar still sucks!"
"And so does yours."
Hermione looked around frantically and tugged her pants up. No one was supposed to know about that scar.
"So," Ron said as he scooped six sausages onto his plate and drowned them in Tabasco sauce, "What do we have first?"
"Potions," Hermione said.
"Oh, *beep*! Why do we have to take classes with that mother *beep*in' son of a *beep* and the *beep*hole Slytherins?!"
"Harry! Since when are you a potty mouth?" Hermione demanded. Indeed, dirt had spewed out of his mouth and had soiled his robes.
"Malfoy calls me Potty, so I figured that I must be one."
"Oh, I suppose that explains everything," Ron mused, stroking his chin and looking a lot like Sigmund Freud. "Better dust yourself off, then, before we leave."
"Right," Harry said, and he pulled a Black-and-Decker dust-buster from behind his back. He pushed the button, and it spluttered and died. They watched it's little dust-buster soul gain wings and flutter up to heaven. "What – was that for?"
"Muggle devices don't work at Hogwarts," Hermione told them stuffily. Harry nodded in realization.
"Ooooohhhhhh…"
As soon as they had finished eating their healthy breakfast of Lucky Charms (it was even educational! When you add milk, a chemical reaction occurs and a magic star appears in the big, orange moons!) they headed down towards the dungeons. On their way, to their astonishment, they saw Frodo Baggins, Captain Canuck, and Sailor Moon. All three of them were scrubbing the floors.
"What are you all doing here?" demanded Ron, his mouth hanging open.
Sailor Moon was the one who answered him. "I fell into a hole and got here somehow. Captain Canuck was sent here to destroy some Dark Lord, and Frodo's a long lost relative of Dobby."
"…What?" Harry said incredulously.
"When we got here, we figured that Dumbledore person would enroll us at this school because that's what usually happens, see?" said Frodo. "But instead, he said we didn't qualify and made us help the caretaker clean the castle as punishment for bothering him. I don't see what the big deal is. He was only chucking throwing stars at a picture of Barney."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione just stood there.
"Okay…" Hermione said.
"It's a bummer, dude," Captain Canuck said as he wiped the Jell-O off of a random cryptic message on the wall. "I was totally hoping to see that Harry Potter dude."
"I am Harry Potter."
"Dude, you are so not."
"Yes I am!"
"Then where's your scar, dude?" Captain Canuck said arrogantly.
"Right here!" said Harry, pulling back the hair on his forehead.
"Dude, Harry Potter has a lightning shaped scar!"
"It's there, see?" Harry leaned in closer so that Captain Canuck could see better.
"Then what's that funky mess on top of it?" Sailor Moon asked.
"It's a rain cloud!" Ron replied irritably.
"Looks more like road-kill than a cloud," she concluded.
"Ha! I told you!"
"Hermione, now's not the time to gloat!' Harry sighed in exasperation.
"Look here," said Frodo. "Everyone knows that Harry Potter has a lightning shaped scar on his forehead. We don't even have the Harry Potter books in Middle Earth, and even I know that fact."
"I have books?" Harry blinked twice.
Ron coughed and looked out the window. He had given J. K. Rowling permission to rip-off Harry's life story in exchange for all the royalties.
"Dude, you're totally not Harry Potter so stop trying to be, dude!" Captain Canuck cut in.
"Of course he's Harry Potter!" Hermione protested.
"Prove it, then," challenged Sailor Moon. "Show us you invisibility cloak!"
"It's up in my dormitory."
"A likely story!"
"Listen, you hairy footed git, I-"
"Harry, don't bother. They're obviously just too thick headed for what you're saying to sink in," Hermione reasoned as she pulled Ron and Harry away from the three and towards the dungeons.
"I resent that!" Frodo yelled after them.