STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: I own absolutely nothing at all!

These are all of Kaoru's thoughts regarding her beloved swirly-eyed rurouni.

All I wanted.

I wanted to touch him, to reach him, but I didn't know how… Instead, I stood there staring as he struggled to smile for me. He was always smiling for me, driving himself mad inside to cause me no more worries. I was so angry!!! Didn't he notice?! Didn't he realize that I didn't care?! That all I wanted from him was the truth, his truth?!

 A long time ago, I had become aware and accustomed to the fact that life wasn't a bed of roses, that life wasn't just bright smiles and sunshine. And there it was again, that standard rurouni grin of his… I tried to smile at him but failed miserably in the attempt. The only thing I wanted to do was be by his side and comfort him, let him know that I would readily understand if he would just allow himself to be free, if he would indulge in being his true self for once. I knew that that was what kept us apart. I wasn't a fool; when someone looks at you with so much love in their eyes, as he did, it never goes unnoticed. So, the love was there and that could not be doubted.

However, the truth was elsewhere, somewhere within the thousands of scars that covered his body and his soul. He could never heal, because he could never ever fathom giving in to that possibility. For him, healing was not an option; he had to carry his burden to the bitter end. 

I sat down next to him as he diligently worked on his infamous "laundry" and sighed loudly. He instantly looked up with questioning eyes and demanded to know if I was well. Of course, I was well. I was always well, wasn't I? I gave him a reassuring nod and commented on something about training wearing me out. He gave me one more knowing glance before contentedly resuming his chore. I smiled slightly. When was he going to realize that no matter how much laundry he did, no matter how many times he soaked his hands within the water and soap of the basin, he would never be clean of the blood, of the guilt. Getting rid of the pain was not something that a simple physical act involving antibacterial substances could fix. No, this required a whole mental process and obviously, a lifetime. A lifetime that she was willing to share with him if he would just let go of his mask and learn to embrace his true self. Kenshin Himura wasn't Battousai, he wasn't the ruruoni either. For God's sake, couldn't anyone see that he was just a man?! He was just a man trying to do the right thing, trying to atone for his sins, but being imperfect was okay, even on his quest to heal everyone else's scars but his own for that's what being a mere man implied; not being perfect, but just  being. And I, I would gladly just be with him, if only he were to notice that I don't mind, that he needn't keep on wearing fake smiles taut across his lips. I would be more than glad to accept him, just as he was.

Sometimes, I regretted telling him that I did not care about the past, for it seems he might have misinterpreted me. What I meant to say back then, was that I would gladly bear the burden of the lives he took long ago with him, for that did not matter to me, nor should it have any relevance in the life we might choose to lead. Killing people was wrong. Yes, I was aware of that, considering I adhered myself to the principle of the Sword of Life, the foundations of my very own being. But, I was also aware that this man seated next to me deeply regretted having ever taken someone's life and he deserved a second chance for his repentance, for his ten years of solitude, of frustration, of mental agony. I , I was willing to offer that second chance but he didn't have to pretend that all of those things had never happened, nor did he have to live in the shadows of those events for the rest of his life. All he had to do for that second chance to be in his hands was realize that I was standing right there waiting and willing to hold him whenever necessary. I would be strong for him if need be. I would shed tears for him if it was called for. I would die for him if it came to that. All he had to do was come to me just as he was. All he had to do was abandon that sense of fear that had reigned his existence from the moment he stopped being hitokiri. I wanted to touch him, to reach him, to soothe his inner demons, but I didn't know how… Sighing loudly, I stood up and walked towards the interior of our humble abode. I was about to ask him to run a bath for me when he startled me by saying:

"You needn't worry about me Kaoru-dono."

"Someone has to."

"Perhaps, but I did promise that I would not worry you again, and it is all I ever seem to do nowadays, I am afraid, that I am."

"Well, stop being 'afraid' about anything Kenshin. If I choose to worry about you then it is my decision and that should not make you, in turn, worry about the choices that I weigh upon myself."

"It seems we do an awful lot of worrying, that we do", he said scratching the back of his head whilst displaying a silly smile.

I sighed and headed back into the house. He calmly proceeded with his household duties. I wanted to touch him, to reach him, but I didn't know how…

Author Note: I would like to give very many special thanx to fellow author Venus Smurf, who happens to be my very first reviewer. I fixed this the best I could, but any tips      you have on improving the posting will be gladly welcome. Again Venus Smurf thank you so much! You made my day!!!