Author's Notes: Easter's here! Yay! I can write again!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this chapter! Which uses stuff that I have no power over or the brains to invent. *sniff*

Clutching the stitches in their sides and their throbbing funny bones (they had to elbow a rather persistent and annoying suit of armor out of the way), they arrived at the classroom door. But not before slipping on thousands of hot wheel cars made in 1990.

The Home Alone kid whirled around the corner and looked at them.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed girlishly while slapping his hands to his face. He then proceeded to scurry in the opposite direction until he disappeared down a stairway.

Ron glared at where he'd vanished. "Damn Macaulay Culkin." He yelled after him, "GET OVER IT! YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE!"

To act in Culkin's defense, a paint can swung from where it was bound to the wall on a string, swinging towards our heroes. The string broke halfway there, and it fell down with a splat, covering everything with neon pink paint except for its intended victims. Harry shook his head.

"Pathetic. Simply pathetic," Harry said shamefully. They all stood and cautiously entered the room.

"Aaaaannnd here are our first guests!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were met with a startling applause from the audience. The stage was a complete rip off the Maury show. There were several chairs beside the hostess, who was none other than-

"Rita Skeeter!" Hermione shrieked. "But you're trapped in my bug jar!"

"Not anymore!" she said happily. "I snuck out and put a potatoe in my place. You've been feeding it for a month."

Hermione rummaged in her book bag, tossing Britney's panties aside in annoyance. She produced a jar with, sure enough, a large potatoe sitting amongst some leaves and a twig. "And I thought you were just getting fat," she exclaimed in astonishment.

"Sit down already," Rita ordered, and they did so. "We're here to clear up some issues that have been following you all around."

"Issues?" Harry said.

"Rumors, issues, big dif. First question – Harry, is it true that you and Cedric Diggory were having an affair?"

Harry's face scrunched up in disgust. "Eeeewwwww! I would never ever do that!"

"Don't lie, Harry. We have footage of you two in the Astronomy Tower," Rita said evilly.

"I never did anything in the Astronomy Tower! And you can't use Muggle devices at Hogwarts, so you couldn't have videotaped anything! It's a lie!" Harry cried out in protest, but Ron was starting to get a little suspicious.

"Harry, you did sneak off to the prefects bathroom once," Ron said slowly.

"That was only because Cedric told…me…to…go…" Harry realized just how sick that sentence sounded and abruptly started to go red.

"So you admit it?" Rita said slyly. Oh yes, she would get her good ratings with stuff like this.

"Never! I never have, and never will do anything like that with another guy!" Rita snapped her fingers and footage showed up on the screen behind them.

"Hello, Severus," said Rita on the screen in a silky voice.

"Andrew, you twit! That's the wrong tape! I need the one of Harry and Cedric!" Rita screeched. The picture flickered and was replaced with another.

This one had Harry and Cedric standing on opposite sides of the Astronomy tower.

"Harry! I've been in love with you ever since that first Quidditch Match!" The movie Cedric gushed.

"Really?" the other Harry giggled, a blush overcoming his freckles.

"Waaaiiiitttt…Freckles?" Hermione said. Just then the screen Harry's wig fell off, revealing him to be none other than Seamus Finnigan.

"Damn," he said in his Irish accent. Cedric looked appalled.

"SEAMUS? WHAT THE HE-"

"Let's bring him out then. Seamus!" Rita called.

A puzzled Seamus stumbled on stage through the door that Harry and co. came through earlier. Harry gave him a death glare.

"WHY. IN. HELL. DID. YOU-" Harry was cut off by the flamboyant Ms. Skeeter.

"I'll be asking the questions here. Seamus, is it true you impersonated Harry Potter to be with your true love, Cedric Diggory?" she asked with a malicious gleam in her eye. Seamus swallowed nervously.

"Erm…" Seamus said, looking over at Harry. Harry was giving him such a frigid glare that Seamus literally froze on the spot.

"Shit," Rita said. "Just put him on a window sill or something. He'll melt." A worker man with a nametag that said "Hi! I'm a little teapot!" pulled Seamus offstage. Rita rounded on the kids again. "Hermione, is it true that your spew is really a cover-up to support your cocaine habits?"

Hermione was appalled. "How dare you!"

"You think I wouldn't notice when you kidnapped me?" Rita glared evilly. The audience gave the appropriate gasp of shock as directed by the cue card man. At that the Hogwarts swat team stormed in and carried Hermione away in handcuffs. Ron and Harry exchanged nervous glances.

"Rooonnn," Rita said, smiling innocently. "Did you ever-" Ron jumped out of his seat.

"RUUUNNNN, HARRRRYYYY!!! SAVE YOURSEEEEEEEELLLLLLFFFF!" Ron yelled dramatically as security guards pinned him down to prevent his escape. Harry ran, in slow motion (because this is TV after all) with the whole audience following him, to the door. He was running – and running- and someone had tried to catch him but got his shoe instead – and running –

When he reached the door and slammed it in everyone's face, fleeing from the Skeeter Show. He paused for a moment, to remember his now doomed friends.

"After all that rule breaking, and the plotting of Malfoy's ruin, it had to come to this." Harry wiped a tear from his eye, then put a look of triumph on his face. "But I won in the end!" He did a little jig and moved on.

Suddenly, as if from no where, sweet, little, untainted, completely innocent Ginny came around the corner carrying a large, bubbling, purplish greenish brownish orange potion. Harry privately cursed the laws of Inertia when they naturally crashed into each other and the potion spilt all over Harry.

"Oh, Haaarrrrrryyyyy!" Ginny cried. "I've gone and spilt my wretched potion all over your poor little self! What am I to do!" She batted her eyelashes for dramatic effect.

"…I thought you were supposed to be shy around me," Harry said suspiciously. Ginny blushed.

"Everyone wants me to be more forward and to be the perfect dream girl, because so little is known about me!" Ginny said, looking rather like a Disney leading lady. "Naturally, they take that for granted and mold me into whatever they want! Oh, wooooeee is me!"

"I'm sure," Harry said sarcastically, and in a little higher voice than he meant to. "Waaaaiiiiit a minute…" Ginny gasped delicately.

"Harry! You've gone and turned yourself into a – a girl!" Ginny exclaimed. Harry paled and looked down at his chest. There stood two Pamela Anderson sized lumps – okay, maybe a little smaller than that - and his waist had shrunk 13 inches. Harry sprang up and sprinted to the mirror, and he gazed in. Staring back at him, was a beautiful green-eyed black-haired girl with glasses and a lightning shaped scar on her forehead.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" squealed the now undoubtedly female Harry, with a very nice arse, if you asked Sir-Mix-A-Lot. Ginny giggled with happiness.

"Oh, Harry! Now you can join my Astonishingly Gorgeous Girls Club!" Ginny gushed attractively. "It's for astonishingly gorgeous girls! Lavender and Parvati have already joined, and Fleur Delacour is an honorary member who is in charge of our headquarters in France!"

Harry looked at her in fear. The one thing he/she feared most of all was being in a room full of shallow and giggly girls, much less being one himself. Ginny grabbed his/her arm and started to drag him/her off. "We can do your hair, and talk about Draco Malfoy's butt, and all sorts of ways to give your eyes that awesome smoky look without overdoing it!"

"No! Ginny, you don't understand! I have to get to Dumbledore right away to fix this!" Harry struggled in vain against Ginny's grasp. His/her new girl arms weren't quite as seasoned as Ginny's. "Let go of me! I don't want to join your club!"

"Why not?" Ginny replied melodically. "You'll fit in just fine! I'll lend you some of my tampons even!" Harry nearly fainted at that statement. He/she wasn't ready to have a period! It isn't natural!

"LET GO, GINNY! NOW!" Harry struggled to flee, but then the worst possible thing happened.

"And who is this charming young Gryffindor?" Harry looked behind him/her in fear as Draco Malfoy approached them.

"Oh, her name is Harriet! She's going to join my club!" Ginny bubbled, turning giddy at the sight of Draco. Harry took this moment to wrench himself away from Ginny's hold. Unfortunately, his/her efforts took momentum that flung him/her into Draco.

Draco, going completely out of character and blindly ignoring the resemblance to Harry, kissed him/her. It was the utter most disgusting moment of Harry's life. Especially since all of a sudden he changed back into a boy.

"POTTER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Draco spluttered in surprise, backing away. Harry ran away to barf as Ginny started to loudly complain that she had lost a member of her club. Harry composed a short but heartfelt prayer thanking whatever great entity was out there that he wouldn't have to buy push up bras after all.

Alright, I know the potatoe thing is a complete rip-off from that one Garfield comic, but it fits so perfectly! Please forgive me!!!!!!