STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: I own absolutely nothing!
Kaoru's thoughts, yet again.
Chapter 2: One of these mornings
When did everything fade or fall away? Sometimes I do ask myself that question. Oftentimes, I remain unaware of the answer. All I know is that it happened, that the situation started to slip through my fingers and that there was not a thing I could do about it. I loved him. He knew this. He loved me, of that I was certain. Then why did things keep going horribly wrong?
I guess that the routinely fake smiles we both gifted each other with, did have something to do with the negative spiral that we were sinking into. I just needed him to be real, to be true to himself, and he needed me to be my usual self again. The problem with Kenshin, (yet another problem), was that he was just too damn perceptive for his own good. He never dared utter whatever crossed his mind, but the "Kauro-dono, are you alright?" catch-phrases, suddenly became a trend around the dojo.
He was concerned for me, yet again. And I was edgy and ready to whack him over the head with a bokken as usual, except… well, I just didn't have the strength in me anymore. I mean what good can come from several concussions if no sense is knocked into the person's thick head in the process of acquiring them?
The sun's rays filtered through the room's window and bathed my recently awakened form on the futon with blinding light.
Okay, so maybe I was overreacting, maybe things hadn't quite faded or fallen apart yet, but what I was certain of was that it wouldn't be too long before the walls of my sanity began crumbling down. Again, maybe that too was an overreaction due to my melodramatic nature… yes, I guess we all have a little Misao in all of us. Still, all drama queen poses aside, I knew that this situation was getting out of hand. I needed him to start trusting me. Of course, if he didn't open up and pour his heart out to me anytime soon, that did not mean that I would stop loving him. I would always love him; there was no doubt in my heart about it. My soul belonged to him, my very essence thinly spread against every one of his occasional and very rare, true smiles.
Love would not be put in question no matter what he chose to do or say. If my love for him would falter so easily, then obviously it wouldn't have been love, but mere passion and I was fully conscious that those unsettling butterflies in my stomach and my racy heart were physical and chemical reactions and mere consequences of that sensation, of that love spreading all around me and covering me like a warm blanket.
Yes, that was one thing that Kenshin's presence did manage to do to me. It seemed that his sole aura could encompass every corner of the room, fill every fiber of my being and make me feel wholesomely safe. That was somewhat funny, considering how he always presumed that his sole presence was the one weaving me into the most perilous of situations. Yet, he always managed to save me every time. He saved me from the brute who stained my family name, from that savage who had tormented my poor Kenshin up to the point of making his eyes glow amber again, from loneliness and routine and finally, from myself.
But, I digress… I could spend all of my days going on about the love and devotion that I felt for Kenshin but what I needed right now was not a mental confession of my undying love, but rather a solution to this endless waltz that was wreaking havoc in both our lives. We kept dancing around each other, never going straight for the root of the problem, never having a decent, polite discussion over matters that concerned our non-relationship. Of course, I did have to admit to myself that I tended to get carried away and that "calm, relaxed and reasonable" ways of approaching the matter, were somewhat unlike the method in my madness. I knew that if I didn't let my fiery temper get the better of me, I was most likely to burst into tears and have the words lodge in my throat and, as a result, worry Kenshin.
I sighed. I wanted Kenshin. I wanted a life with him. I wanted to be able to sit beside him in silence without feeling uncomfortable. I needed us both to learn to trust each other with our lives; past, present and future. That's all I wanted; was it too much to ask for?! I chuckled slightly. Undoubtedly too much. I already had enough to satisfy anyone. I had a new family, however annoying some of its members might prove at times, I had the dojo up and running again, slowly but steadily working its way back into what it once was, I had the company of a brave, kind man who swore to protect me under my own roof; I had the essentials and then some.
Still… could anyone blame me for wanting more? Could anyone dare scold me for being human as human can be and, therefore, assuming my life's discrepancies as quite the non conformist individual? All I wanted was more than I could have but I didn't care. I wanted him, I longed for him and most importantly, I needed him to know that I had finally understood, that I had finally seen the light regarding whom he was and that I wasn't afraid. I wasn't a little girl anymore and I was up and ready for the challenge. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but with his consent and for his life, I would go miles without ever turning to so much as glance behind my shoulder.
I rolled over on the futon and let the sun's warm, merciful light soak my bones. Yahiko would soon enough be busting into my room, demanding a lesson. Today, he would get a thousand swings just for that, just for being his bratty self, just to become the strong swordsman that he aspired to become, just to be the dignified and skilled swordsman that I had always known he could be.