Author's Notes: I hope this chapter's a bit more exciting than the last one was, because I wasn't too fond of it. With the exception of the Death Eater scene…*snickers* Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I'm not that smart. Or creative.

"I play Ookazi, which wipes out your life points!" Harry proclaimed smugly, folding his arms across his chest.

"Argghh!!!!!" Ron cried in frustration. "You always win at Yu-Gi-Oh cards! I hate you!" Harry cackled as he collected his booty – jumbo Pixy Stix®.

Hermione peered over the top of the Dick and Jane book she was reading. "There is something else you could play- "

"No Hermione, we will not play the drinking game with you." The girl sniffed and turned back to her intensive and intellectually challenging reading.

Without any warning, Ginny Weasley slid down the banister at 60 km/h and landed on Harry, giving him a big ol' bear hug.

"Harry! I have discovered that I have an undying love for you!" Ginny squealed.

"What?" Harry choked.

"Yes, it's true! Oh, Harry, you complete me!" Ginny sighed. "Did you get me a ring?"

"Hold it!" Harry shouted, pushing Ginny off. "A ring?"

"Why not? Aren't you going to propose?"

"No," Ron said, getting up. "He's proposing to me."

"Huh?!?!?!" Harry backed away from them, scared for his life.

"Come on, Harrykins," Ron cooed. "We've been best friends for years! It's so obvious that we're going to hook up."

"No," Harry protested, "That – that's-"

"Impossible," Hermione finished.

"Thank you," Harry smiled at the walking encyclopedia.

"Because Harry's going to marry me."

"NNOO!!!!!" Harry screamed, running towards the portrait door.

"But we love you!" Harry moved to open the portrait when it swung open with such an unimaginable force that it knocked him into a suit of armor.

"Potter!" exclaimed Malfoy, standing in the doorway. "There you are! I was just coming to tell you that I've loved you ever since I laid eyes on you!"

Harry sputtered and went as pale as a corpse. Draco walked towards him, arms outstretched and a lovesick grin on his face. "Get away from me!" Harry slapped Draco and ran as fast as he could out the door.

"Waaaiiiiiiittttttt!!!!!" he heard Parvati's voice come from inside, "I haven't told you that I love you yet!"

That simply added fuel to the fire, and Harry kept sprinting until he came upon a fork in the hallway. He stopped to catch his breath and weigh his options.

"Dumbledore obviously took the red pill instead of the blue one this morning, so I can't go to him. McGonagall reeks, so she's out of the question…"

"Harry? Is that you?"

Harry looked up to see Neville. He groaned. Then he noticed something odd about the scene.

"What are you doing with Fawkes?"

Neville looked both ways and squeaked to Harry, "She's making me date him! I don't even like birds! And it keeps on trying to bite me! When it squawks, I swear it's saying 'Neville! Neville!' It's really starting to creep me out, man! You've got to help me!" Fawkes randomly attacked Neville's ear, causing a shriek and the boy slapping at the bird with a dishrag, trying to keep it away. "See what I mean?!!"

"Who's 'she'?" Harry asked, dreading the answer.

Neville pointed to a dusty corner where there was a girl with a keyboard and a computer monitor sitting on her lap. "Her! Right there!"

"Neville, you twit!" she yelled. "You're not supposed to point out the author!"

"Haven't I seen you before?" Harry inquired.

"No," she lied.

"Can you pllllleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssseeeeee make the bird go away?" Neville begged. "I can't take it anymore!"

"No! You will date the bird until I say you don't, got that?" Neville nodded, his eyes as wide as his arse. "Now go!" Neville didn't need to be told twice (except in special circumstances). She turned to Harry. "Turn around and forget I was here, okay?"

"But-"

"It doesn't talk back!"

Harry face-faulted. "What?"

"It does what it's told!" Confused, Harry turned around and forgot about the author. Why?

"Potter," hissed Snape. He launched into a fit of coughing from hissing and abruptly stopped.

That's why.

"I need to see you in my…office," Snape leered suggestively, an odd glint in his eyes. "About…school work."

Silence. Then-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Harry ran for the nearest window and hurled himself out, all the while yelling, "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!!!"

Someone caught him at the bottom (which was relieving and frightening at the same time). He quickly jumped out the person's arms and turned to face his rescuer.

It was Quirrell.

"You!" gasped Harry.

Quirrell smiled. His face wasn't twitching at all.

"Me," he said calmly. "I wondered whether I'd be meeting you here, Potter."

"But I thought – Snape-"

"Serverus?" Quirrell laughed and it wasn't his usual quivering treble, wither, but cold and sharp. "Yes, Serverus does seem the type, doesn't he? So useful to have him swooping around like an overgrown bat. Next to him, who would suspect p-p-poor st-stuttering P-Professor Quirrell?"

Harry couldn't take it in. This couldn't be true, it couldn't.

Harry scrunched up his face. "Wait-a-minute…We've had this conversation already, haven't we?"

Quirrell stroked his chin. "Oh yeah! We did!" he said reflectively. Harry looked pointedly at him. "Oh – right!" Quirrell ran into the Forbidden Forest, because he wasn't supposed to exist anymore.

"Harry! There you are!" Hermione tackled him with glee. "I loooove you!"

"Get off!" Harry yelled, trying to pry the girl's impenetrable grip.

Hermione looked behind her. "Ron! It's your line now!"

"Oh! Sorry," Ron cleared his throat and squinted at the billboard-sized cue card. "No – Hermione – you – can't – love – him – I – love – you – Harry – you – are – no – longer – my – friend – I – hate -"

"Oh, for cripes' sake," cursed the cue card man, who resembled the man from the Skeeter Show with the "I'm a little Teapot" nametag. "Learn to read, Ron!"

"I can't help it!" Ron said. "Can't I just sulk in the corner out of jealousy?"

"Go ahead."

Hermione continued to hug Harry. "We're gonna get married, and have babies, and buy a broom…"

Harry grabbed her arm and flipped her over his back.

"Ha! I learned that from Dumbledore!" Harry said impressively.

"Go ahead, leave me!" Hermione wheezed, like some sort of dying villain uttering his last curse. "But there'll be others! Mark my words."

"'Arry!" Fleur yelled from the Quidditch post nearby. "I love you! Can you get me down?"

Harry almost said yes (hey, she's a Veela) when Ron interrupted him.

"Great, now we're getting into the odd pairings."

"Shut up, you fruit!" Fleur yelled, "Or I'll 'ook you up wiz Percy!"

"Stop it! All of you!" Harry shouted. "I don't love any of you! I love-"

Everyone leaned in, waiting for the answer.

"-Myself!"

With that, Harry ran into the forest, cackling his scarred head off. Ron and Hermione followed, not knowing the doom that awaited them.

For you see, in the forest was –

A Powerpuff girl.