STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: Me not own RK!
Quick little message: First off, I would like to apologize to all you lovely readers that encourage me and enlighten me every step of the way for not updating as soon as I normally would. I, however, have a good excuse… my life got in the way. That, and my muse has some devilish tendencies and she absolutely adores playing hide – and - seek with me! Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter, sorry for the long wait and remember; good things come to those who wait…
Chapter 5: A time to Live.
It is in our nature to search the past for inspiration, but rarely do people find themselves with a past as cruel, empty and tattered as mine own. Nostalgia, upon recollection of previous experiences, is common but, would I willingly put myself through it all over again? No.
There are faces I will never forget, scents that will never fade and a sense of sympathy, love and honor will always be present in my heart for her, for my sheath during the bloodbath, for Tomoe.
However, the days when Tomoe owned me, heart and soul, are over; days that were not quite so idyllic to begin with. Magical days, strange days, confusing days, misleading days: days as tumultuous as was our love for one another, as was my heart constricted in turmoil.
She helped me survive, helped me feel in a time when I could have just lost myself in the darkness and madness of the world. She was a life line and the reason for my continued existence after the Bakumatsu's end.
I shall always be grateful for her help and saddened by the memory of her untimely death. I shall always curse my hands for the path my sword took; the grief and guilt shall never abandon me. But, somehow, those feelings have already been put to rest for the time of surviving is over, and the time for living has only just begun. And in this new cycle of my life she has no part, except maybe the occasional sigh upon the entrance of winter into our lives.
The thing is, in a way, my body has grown weary of merely surviving; it now longs to live! An outstretched hand one day offered me a new world, a new beginning and I do believe that it is now due time for me to take it, for me to reach out and meet that hand halfway. I do not now if by succumbing to these desires I will be making the wisest of choices, but I do know that I have always wanted that second chance to live and I fear I cannot postpone this decision any longer.
This newfound reason for my existence is far too fragile, too vulnerable and gentle for me to continue stubbornly pulling away. I crave for her smiles, for her laughter, for her melodious voice, and I realize that I am out of my league here, but I need her too much to care.
I cannot keep holding back when I am hurting us both unnecessarily. I am aware that I am still unworthy, that there is still too much blood upon these hands but… I can't bring myself to stop thinking about her! I can't stop coming to the conclusion that she is everything I have ever wanted and yearned for and that I am being a fool by denying us both the happiness that she rightfully deserves.
Yes, she deserves it; she has already been through enough as it is, whereas I… I doubt that I deserve any of it but, if fate keeps placing it on a silver platter, how can I refuse? I may be strong, centered and driven, but I am just a man. A lonely, somewhat sad imitation of a man, at that. And she, she so carelessly offers me her heart and soul every time she looks into my eyes.
Kaoru… I fell in love with those eyes the first time that mine own gazed upon those pride filled, determined orbs of shimmering crystal and angry crashing seas… how could anyone not fall in love with such sheer purity of spirit? How could anyone not get dragged along into the web of adventure and excitement that her words so carefully weaved as soon as they abandoned her parted lips?
As I rise from my futon on this very night, I feel a giant weight being lifted from my shoulders. I no longer fear loving her, for it is what she craves and what I have for so long desired to give her. I can't let another day drown away having to stare at her from afar and know that I can never make her mine. I have many regrets, many secrets that I do not wish to share with her, that should never reach her innocent ears, but should these things keep putting up a wall between us? What right do I have to be the only obstacle in our way?
I am tired of walking away, of letting her down, of not saying the words that she so anxiously and patiently awaits from me. Of course, it might only be the dream I just had talking here, but does it really matter where my current state of daring and open-mindedness sprang from? Is it really relevant to our case? Or is it just another futile attempt on my part to betray us both by letting this whim pass us by?
No, I shall not let the opportunity fade away into the scenery; I shall hold onto it for our benefit, for dear life, for my sanity. For, I am nothing without her. If as of now I have no value, when she isn't around I just merely cease to exist. All I need is her. All I want is her and all that currently stops me from sliding that shoji door open is… me.
There it is again: that fear that pins me down to the floor, which squeezes at my heart and makes me incapable of breathing properly. If I touch her, will I taint her? If I speak up will I dishonor her? Of course not! But- I am so undeserving and she is so beautiful… I have never been able to nurture any type of beauty within myself, I have only been at the ready to destroy and annihilate anything that grows. It is only recently that I have managed to control my skills and turn them into the means to the peaceful exacerbation of existence. It is only since I met her that I finally managed to gather up the courage to fully pursue that change within myself. Only by staying, by declaring myself the unpronounced protector of her life did I truly gain a purpose. Yes, she gave me a purpose, she gave me a reason to keep on struggling, to keep on living.
It doesn't seem right to look at my benefactor fully in the eye and profess whatever empty, vowed out speech pours out of me. Nothing I can say or do seems like enough. No words or actions could ever convey, justify and express my love and gratitude toward this miraculous woman that pulled me out of the dark corners of the earth and filled me with light. No deeds could I perform that would prove proper or worthy to her needs, to her deserving rights. I am not enough…
Still, I recall that tidal wave ready to take me down and fill me to the rim with despair and how the only image, remembrance and name that achieved the almost impossible task of making me step out of that dark hole was that of her face, her scent, her love for me… my Kaoru.
Unable to take anymore self pity, self loathing and self doubt I decide that it is indeed time to rise to the occasion. I slide my shoji open, step out into the hallway and stop at her door. I am immobile and enchanted by the even breathing reaching my ears through the thin rice–paper wall. I catch my breath and lift my arm, ready to yank the wooden surface separating me from her in one swift motion if I suddenly falter.
"Here goes everything…" I mutter to myself as I stare in deep trance at the wall I raised so high and for so long between us.
Reviewer Responses:
To Jen: Thank you for continuing to read me, even when everything gets as confusing as in chapter 4.
To Mewberries: You noticed! You noticed the Shakespeare reference in chapter 3! I am delighted!!! You know, you are the only one who happens to have mentioned it! Thank you for your support, I promise to continue trying to see this through.
To mvdiva: Thanks for staying tuned. Yes, Kenshin is extremely dense… in fact, in spite of the resolve in this chapter I think his density will still have a major role to play in chapters to come… hihihi… I can't promise anything though, since my muse might just decide to simply go against my ideas and decide on something completely different to what I have in mind for next chappie.
Polka dot: Sorry if it seems like I offended Sano because of the whole 'none too wise' deal but, if it's any consolation, I have nothing at all against the guy. In fact, in my opinion he's one of the most beautiful characters of RK. I just think that being wise, is not one of his strong suits. Being loyal, frank, strong and true to himself, sure, but wise? In a way yes, but not Dalai Lama style or anything.
To AmbieChan: Man, I am so sorry that the suspense is killing you! Now with this chapter you will, for sure, be ready to choke me to death. Relax, they will be together… in due time. ^_^
To babydoll 101: Thanx for the suggestion; duly noted! Yes, I do also believe he should do SOMETHING instead of just letting Kaoru go out of her way to try and get him to notice her all the time. Of course, she already knows that he loves her, she doesn't need Kenshin to do anything to prove his point but, still, I'm sure that she would feel nice and flattered if he put his thoughts into action once in a while.
To JMK: Thank you for your kind words. This humble writer appreciates it very much. Comparing this to one of those profound, love that lasts an eternity, sort of novels was pretty much the highlight of my day. I hope this chapter wasn't too bad for you… one does what one can when writer's block gets in the way.
To cherri ookami: Awww!!! You're so sweet! And funny too!!! Thank you for the review, you absolutely have to keep reviewing me because well… your cheeriness is infectious and your will to read makes me want to write. Thanks so much! ^_^
See y'all next chapter, everyone!!!