STANDARD DICLAIMERS APPLY: RK isn't mine, isn't that obvious by now?
Chapter 6: Unable.
"…I cannot teach you to be happy! I want to- you aren't ready for this!" Kaoru cried bitterly.
"But Kaoru-dono, if sessha is saying these things it is because sessha is ready!" Kenshin reasoned.
His fists were clenched at his sides. His jaw was set. Things were, by far, not going the way he had planned. Then again, whatever you expect, things always turn out differently.
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Kenshin had finally mustered up all of his courage and had firmly decided to tear down the barriers between himself and the object of his affection.
Upon entering her room, he had been unsure of what exactly he actually meant to do. Kaoru was sleeping and, he couldn't very well wake her, could he? Coming to terms with the fact that this was far too important to let politeness override his momentum, he shrugged off thoughts of a fuming Kaoru and a swollen head and took a deep breath.
Cautiously, he made his way through the dark room and as silently as inhumanly possible, he knelt beside her futon. Right there, caught in a ray of moonlight sparkling through her window, she was really a sight to behold.
Kenshin sighed. How had he managed to live without her mended to his side for so long? Why had no other man attempted to steal her from beneath his grasp already? Then again, perhaps the fact that everyone in Tokyo seemed to know that she lived underneath the same roof as the infamous hitokiri Battousai was enough of a warding as would be a scarlet letter imprinted on her forehead.
Kenshin let his head fall into his hands. How could he have done this to her? How could he have done this to her life? No matter. He would fix things now. He could fix things. He was ready. He was ready to make it up to her now, although not quite able. Truth be told, he still had a lot to learn, about life and about her. Living up to one's principles wasn't as easy as fighting for them. He knew how to fight all too well; now he needed to learn how to live. But that wasn't really a problem considering that, if anyone could teach him how this "living" thing worked, it was Kaoru. That's the reason he had crossed the threshold and that was the reason he was kneeling beside her.
Gently, uncertainly, he let his fingers thread themselves into her silky hair and brush softly against her rosy cheeks. He shivered. He hadn't realized that her skin would be so… warm and- he didn't have time to finish his thoughts for, suddenly, her eyes were fluttering open. Kenshin found himself smiling, like some sort of Pavlovian reaction to her; seeing her eyes, innocent and kind was instantaneously countered by a full-fledged grin on his part. She was, as always, the stimuli and he was merely consequential.
Kaoru stared upwards in hazy confusion. Was that Kenshin hovering over her? Was he smiling?! She responded with a lazy smile of her own. Undoubtedly, she was still dreaming. If that was the case, then she had better take full advantage of the situation before she awoke. She lifted her arm and pulled with her hand at one of the red bangs that messily framed Kenshin's face. Kenshin laughed gingerly; of all the scenarios he had pictured, this was quite unlike any of the measures he had imagined Kaoru would take when she found him in her room, at night, without her consent.
Kaoru propped herself on her elbows and stared intently at him. He frowned slightly, feeling by far too exposed under her scrutinizing gaze. Slowly, Kaoru drew nearer to Kenshin and- their lips met.
Kenshin was confused, but he had no intentions of pulling away. If this was what she wanted then, who was he to refuse? Kaoru reveled in the sweetness of his lips, in the rollercoaster of emotions at the pit of her stomach at the touch of his calloused hands on her neck, on her face, in the all to real sensation- all to real?! Her eyes widened. This was… real?! Kenshin was… kissing her?!
He felt something change in her attitude, in her boldness and, reluctantly, he separated himself from her, but only inches, only enough to miss her but still be able to feel her warm breath, hot on his skin.
"This… isn't a dream?" she whispered, losing herself in his eyes, in the hands that held her shoulders tightly, in the exhilaration and madness of this perfectly blissful moment.
Kenshin laughed at her naïve remark, touched by her sincerity.
"No, but it certainly feels like one, doesn't it?" he said, pressing his forehead against hers, swept away in a love-ridden impulse.
"Mmm… better…" she murmured with her eyes closed.
"Better?" he inquired, with something of a self-satisfied smirk gracing his lips. After 10 years of absolutely no "action", another one of his fears was that his "skills" would be kind of rusty but apparently, thus far, he had nothing to worry about.
She nodded assuredly, finally opening her eyes. Kenshin was taken aback by all the love and desire mirrored in those two deep pools of emotion.
"Your eyes…" he trailed off. He was trying, really trying, but he wasn't very good at this. All too soon he felt like a nervous, insecure, clumsy teenager again. It wasn't really his fault that he was sentimentally challenged. He had a hard time dealing with his feelings and, right now, his head was spinning, his palms were sweaty and he was hung up on… love.
Who wouldn't be caught in a laconic trance–like state if they finally had the girl, such a beautiful girl at that, entangled in sheets and silken strands of ebony, in the utmost definition of disheveled grace, if there was such a thing? For it was true, Kenshin finally had the girl. The boy got the girl…well, almost. Some minor technicalities aside, they were finally where they had always wanted to be. Nothing could ever go awry again; this was just too good to be true, to be spoiled. Suddenly:
"Kenshin, what are you doing in my room?" Kaoru asked, full of intrigue.
"Oh, that… Kaoru-dono please forgive sessha for his imprudence but sessha needed a word with you, you see…" Kenshin stammered and stuttered.
"Word of advice Kenshin: drop the sessha. It doesn't suit you anymore, not that it ever did."
Kenshin laughed nervously. So this was it; no more unworthiness, no more tormenting self-imposed denial… but he still was unworthy! He had committed too many crimes. He could take that step forward and indulge in her, but he could not erase his past; she needed to know this.
"Kaoru-dono…"
"Kaoru" she corrected, smiling sunshine his way.
"Kaoru…" he sounded out.
"Has a nice ring to it, don't you find?" she said giggling in delight at the swift changes that were FINALLY beginning to take place between her and her beloved.
"Yes, it sounds lovely." He said, caressing her cheek with his thumb.
"Well, I'm glad you think so…" she said, blushing at the intimacy of his actions toward her.
"Kaoru, I need you to understand that… sessha loves you and wants to be with you but-"
"No buts. Buts are rarely placed in the middle of a sentence as bearers of good news. You love me, you want to be with me; that's all I need to know, and all I ever wanted to hear." she breathed out quickly, trapped between the sudden delight of these surfacing emotions and the despair that could come, should the spell be broken. She had awoken to the most wonderful night in her entire existence, possibly the best in all of her prior incarnations and she would be damned if she let Kenshin ruin it by getting his foot caught in his mouth, as was his tendency!
"Kaoru, believe it when sessha says sessha is relieved that sessha managed to do something right. It is no secret that you have longed to hear these words for far too long and that sessha has denied you said happiness, up until now, but sessha still has more things to say-"
"Quit it with the 'sessha' already! You are not beneath me or undeserving of me! You don't have to keep on doing this anymore!" She interrupted his declamation, unsure that she wanted to hear the rest, fearing the outcome of said speech.
"My past is not going to fade away Kaoru! Murder, blood, innocent lives cut short… all of that's real!" he said seriously.
Bad move on the rurouni's part. The thing about happiness… it's never complete. Happiness is a still frame, a moment, a fragment of a sentence, the piece of a puzzle, but never is it a whole. Perfection exists, within the boundaries of imperfection. There is no "perfect bliss", only "eventual bliss." Things can be going right as rain one moment and the next, well, it all goes down hill after you reach the summit of the mountain, doesn't it? One lousy phrase and you're done for. Kenshin had his moment of clarity and, as usual, he blew it! One look at her face and he knew that everything that had happened so far, that the 'I love you' he had finally managed to blurt out without regret or guilt, all of it, meant nothing. Somehow, he had managed to screw up and hurt her, yet again…
"Kenshin, you are no worse than the rest of us." She voiced calmly, trying to steer clear from: pummeling him; option A, bawling her eyes out; option B, kissing him into silence, option C, forcing him to spoon down a 'delicious' banquet prepared by yours truly; option D or, all of the above; option E.
"You are too kind and have too good a heart to understand-" Kenshin stopped himself short, wincing at the certainty that smoke was coming out of her ears.
"You think I don't understand?! You think I don't get it?! You honestly believe that after all of this time I am still oblivious to your 'I killed too many people to ever be capable of gaining redemption but I still, in martyr-like fashion, strive for it' issues?! Who do you take me for?! A five year old, clueless to the world and its dealings?! I may never have taken a life, unlike you, but that doesn't make me completely ignorant when it comes down to what matters, when it comes down to the people I love!" Kaoru began in irritated tones and ended off her statement in loud sobs.
Meanwhile, Kenshin mentally kicked himself for, well, being Kenshin! He was sure that, had it been someone else, they would have managed to handle the situation smoothly, leaving angst and drama for posterior, less merry, occasions. He cursed Hiko for not including handling of interpersonal relations and females as a rigorous part of his training.
"Kaoru please, you are not listening to sessha's words! It's not that sessha believes you incapable of comprehending, it is just that sessha is the one incapable of letting his past go!" he said, cupping her face into his hands.
"It's okay for you to learn from it, but you can't live in it anymore! This is now, Kenshin, it's us! This isn't ten years ago in an alley somewhere where swords are clashing together, this is you trying to finally tell me everything you have kept locked inside yourself throughout the years. Right now, it's a happy moment! Right now isn't about bloodshed and tears and memories long gone, it's about you and me and how happy we can be! The problem is that you don't know how to be happy! I cannot teach you to be happy! I want to- you aren't ready for this!" Kaoru cried bitterly.
"But Kaoru-dono, if sessha is saying these things it is because sessha is ready!" Kenshin reasoned.
His fists were clenched at his sides. His jaw was set.
"Ready for what?! Ready to make me miserable too because you can't come to terms with the fact that you're good, noble and kind, that the past is no more, that you try to atone for your sins and that it actually seems to work in everyone else's eyes but your own?! What is it that you want?!" she screamed, unable to take the suffering that was tearing through her chest.
"I want you!" he yelled back fiercely, hints of amber glowing dangerously in his eyes.
Kaoru gaped at him, glued to her very spot, rendered speechless by his eyes, by his tone… this was the first time since they had ever met that he had raised his voice at her.
"Kenshin…" she managed to choke out. She wanted to say more, but the words were lodged in her throat, her vocal cords 100% unwilling to cooperate with her.
Kenshin eyed Kaoru silently. He was hurt beyond words. He knew he had made mistakes on this night, but he was only trying to reach out, trying to let her in, trying to let her know what they would have to work on together. Instead, reality had come back with a vengeance. How could he have been so foolish? How could he have allowed himself to willingly grasp at the dementia of nothing more than a dream, a nightmare of sorts for now he could hear the wave again and he was sinking deeper and deeper, he was drowning, he was falling into the night and she was nowhere in sight.
Miserable… After all they had been through, did she think that the only thing he had the ability for was making her miserable? Kenshin shook his head, fighting back tears. Yes, that was the truth, he could delude himself into believing that he could make her happy, but the only thing he could offer whomever chose to remain beside him was misery. His soul was empty and all he had to offer was darkness. She was right: all he had was himself, his sword, some bitter memories and several tons of misery that weighed down his every step. All he was, was a simple-minded fool and all he wanted, he could never have. Hiding his eyes from her beneath his long bangs, Kenshin, wordlessly walked out of the room.
"Kenshin wait!" she cried out desperately.
She had seen it, that flicker of pain in his eyes right before he turned away. She hadn't imagined the hopelessness in his eyes and suddenly, she felt the compelling urgency to run and catch up with him, and the fear settling inside her heart that he might never come back. In spite of herself, however, she drooped her head to her knees and wept for she was paralyzed and unable to run his way. She was unable to meet him half away, to take it all back. She wanted to, God, how she wanted to! But her legs wouldn't carry her and her feet wouldn't budge. She was just trapped there in the misery that he could only ever offer her with but his absence, terribly heart-broken and devastatingly unable.
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Did you love this chapter? Did you hate it with every fiber of your being? If so, or of not, either way, please review!
ReviewerResponses:
Mewberries: Very funny with the flying tomatoes!!! No, Kenshin didn't chicken out but… I bet you hate what happened now even more than the possibility of him chickening out, don't you? I'm very glad that you have decided to keep reviewing!!! Thank you for the support, the humour and cheerfulness that you always send my way, it's truly appreciated.
coldxshivers: HAAAAAAPPYYYYYYY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!! (a little belated, I know, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?) Anyway, this isn't much, but consider this chapter a birthday present for you, even though it didn't end on a particularly happy note. Don't worry about it much, though. Somehow I'll get those two together; where there's a will, there's a way…
Yami Yue: Weird dreams are great inspiration, but reviews are the truly special touch that makes writer's block slowly vanish off into the night! Thanks for taking the time to read this and actually liking it; it makes me very happy!!! ^_^
mvdiva: Hello again hon'! Glad to see you are still reading and reviewing this fic. I'm glad that you are understanding Kenshin's "inner turmoil" because… I get the feeling that more of it is to come before the rosy "and they all lived happily ever after" conclusion. After all, a guy can't just change overnight; a dream can only take you so far…
AmbieChan: Hmmm… why do I get the feeling that this time you are seriously going to want to drive me into a body bag? Before you start hunting me down with a very deadly sword (gulps), rest assured that Kenshin and his Kaoru-dono will get together and be pretty happy about it. In the meantime keep reading this, keep reviewing, take deep breaths and think happy thoughts…
Venus Smurf: Sure, making green custard pies for the rest of your existence is perfectly normal; it's ONLY when a cat keeps chewing on your hair that it's weird… For your relief koishii = darling/ beloved. From what I can gather, it's a term that is used when there's plenty of intimacy between the couple, but I'm not Japanese, never lived in Japan, don't speak a word of Japanese, etc, so I'm not the best source to go to for definitions. As for the dream, it was kind of creepy, but I made it darker for writing purposes and also for the sake of the storyline. However, the wave thing is 100% true and instead of horses, I found myself on a highway with cars and trucks; believe me not very pleasant. Sorry for the cliffhanger, sorry for the way this chapter ended but, all will come to be where it is meant to be in its due time my friend. Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews, for your encouragement and for your praise. I have to say, you are a great part of the fuel of this story so, thanx once again.
Well, I think that's everyone!!! Have a lovely day and until next time!!! Bye ^_^