STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: *sigh*... no, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin....
Quick little message from author: All I have to say is that I am deeply sorry for taking so long to update, but I wanted to get this just right, to give you guys something actually worth reading. I tried my best (or at least what I am fully able to consider my best right now) and I hope it doesn't prove to be a disappointment. Well, without further ado, please proceed to rejoice in CHAPTER 8!!!
Chapter 8: Rain on our parade.
Thump - Thump. I can hear a heartbeat. Thump-Thump-Thump. It quickens, gets louder, seems racy, and seems to have climbed to the roof of my mouth.
Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump! It's truly awkward; even through battles I have never heard it pound this loud.
Bzz Bzz. There goes a firefly twirling by: I wish I had the time to contemplate its fading beauty tonight.
Swish, Swish. The rustle of fabric, a rhythmic noise I could pinpoint from many other familiar sounds. Swish, Swish. She's still moving, still fidgeting, still unsure of the words that will abandon her mouth.
Whoosh, Whoosh. A gust of wind plays with loose strands of her hair; a wind all too privileged by its undeniable claim and disposal of that silken ebony, moving it which way and that in utmost freedom of action.
Blink, Blink. My eyes keep closing and opening again, fascinated by her natural beauty, by the salty tears that glisten and glow down the porcelain of her flushed cheeks. Blink, Blink. Truly unsure on whether they should remain closed or open, on whether these tired eyes of mine should gape in admiration or squint and squeeze shut in despair.
Pant, Pant. Troubled, ragged breathing abandons her trembling frame: is it only the distress and flurry from her hard run or could it be fear? Fear of me, of my reactions?
I shake my head. Why in the world would she choose to run after me? "Because she loves you, you dimwit!" spoke a voice in the back of my head. The truth be damned, I didn't ask her to walk after me; I didn't need her to do anything like that! All I needed was time to be by myself, time to think, time to ponder on how I was going to get over her, time to squish and diminish the truth into a corner of my mind where it wouldn't be making bold statements that minify my already sufficiently low self-esteem.
Breathing in the cold and sterile air, gasping back the sob that suddenly caught in my throat I look down at her to find her staring down at her trembling fists, still unable to utter anything, in some way, I guess, waiting for me to make the next move. I nod my head in assentment; she ran after me, spoke up and now she was expecting some sort of response from me. I gave in to the shaky figure scorched by my penetrating glare:
"I didn't ask you to walk after me." I winced; that sounded too harsh to be me! I couldn't help it though, no one could get to me as easily as her, nobody had the power to hurt me like she did. And she had hurt me, deeply. The truth always hurts…
"You didn't have to ask. If you walk out on me, I walk after you: that's the way it works when you love someone…" she trailed off, still unwilling to meet my eyes.
"It's not that simple" I hear myself say, turning my back to her. It's too hard to say such things with her standing right there, with her every flinch and gasp of pain visible to me. I hate to see her cry, to see her hurt, to see her sad. I hate that it's me who is causing this but… that's all I can do, isn't it? Bring her misery, I mean.
"Loving you has never been simple, but that's not the point." She voices calmly. It shocks me on some level to hear her speak with such poise after all the trembling and rattling that her body's been doing.
I only know two reactions from her; the sad teary one and the angry, sometimes violent one. I am aware that there are more sides to her than that, but she rarely shows it; she would much rather hide from me. She always feared I would never love her back, never say the words out loud, never trust her enough with my memories. I know she's, once again, experiencing all of these thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I feel like if I've known her forever and I am sure that 90% of the time I can accurately predict what she's thinking, what she's feeling; I'm not that dense, or so I like to tell myself. In spite of this, Kaoru never ceases to amaze me.
She draws up strength from some place within herself that I only hope to one day reach, to also find within me. She's stronger than I in many ways. Right now I, the once feared hitokiri Battoussai, can't bring myself to meet her gaze head on whereas she… she, with the calmest demeanor I have ever witnessed from her, bores holes into my back. She's challenging me, scared of loosing me but never does the thought of backing down cross her mind. I know it. I know her. Her determination is something to both be feared and admired. Her determination is just one of her thousands of qualities. It's what makes her special; it's what makes me love her. Unpredictability is part of her character, part of what makes the woman I love so particularly attractive.
"Kaoru-dono, sessha meant what sessha said inside; it's not all just going to disappear, to vanish into thin air. You meant what you said in there and you are right… sessha doesn't know how to be happy. Sessha didn't need to know how to do that before; all sessha needed was to secure and guarantee everyone else's happiness. That was enough, just what was necessary for sessha to survive. What you deserve, sessha cannot offer you."
I wanted to be angry, I really did; I had every right to: she hurt me. But how can one stay upset at pure honesty and sympathy? All I could do was resign myself to bow my head and speak my heart, as bound and devoid of choices as was her hair against eventual harsh and cold gusts of wind.
I hear the squeaking of her bare feet against the ground, advancing toward me in one small, hesitant step.
"Can you offer me what I want?" she whispers tentatively into the night.
I closed my eyes and sighed. The temptation is always so hard to resist. The wind whip lashing against my face breaks me free of my reverie and forces me to focus on the now, on her voice, on her question that, unbeknownst to her, makes me come undone. A raindrop plops heavily on my crimson tinted hair. I look up into the night sky and realize that a storm is brewing. Can I give her what she wants without betraying her? What she wants, if she does finally get it is, I'm sure, not what she bargained for. I'm a broken man: she thinks me whole but I'm destroyed beyond repair. We are short of a miracle here tonight.
Splat, splat. Raindrop after raindrop comes crashing down against the grass. I want to believe… I want to believe… I need her, but can I put her through the misery of having me? Splat, splat, splat.
"Kaoru-dono, go back inside. It's staring to rain and you are barefoot; sessha does not want you to get sick."
"That doesn't answer my question."
SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT. Harder now, the rain comes pouring down. Harder now, more than ever I want to pull her against me. I know she is shivering and bravely fighting against the liquid ice water that is beginning to soak us both, dragging us into its small world of hazy mists. My head is reeling.
"It is not what you deserve." I squeak, cowardice getting the better of me.
"That still doesn't answer my question." She voices again, as calm as ever.
SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT. Raindrops, teardrops; what difference does it make when you are drenched in salty seas of despair, each wound reopening and burning your flesh like if the cuts and bruises had just been inflicted?
Please don't make me do this. Please don't make me tell you what will hurt you. Please don't make me leave you. Please, I need you! I need to believe… I want to believe… I want to believe you need me… I know you want me, but do you need this bundle of insecurities, nightmares and regrets that is me? Please, go back inside or I will never forgive myself if you get sick for walking after me. Please help me; I'm drowning amidst the pouring rain.
Finally I turn to face her, to confront my emotions. I have to tell her no; she can't have what she wants because it is no good for her. I have to tell her to let go because I'm not worth holding on to.
Her eyes are shimmering, her hair is stuck to her forehead, to her neck and her yukata is going see-through in this downpour. She looks beautiful and radiant and… all else goes beyond words. I want to say yes but I can't. I should say no but, I don't dare; I'll loose her otherwise. I'll loose me.
"You are going to get sick."
Kaoru's eyes fleet down to the ground, rejection stinging and overwhelming her. No, please don't loose hope in me!!! I need you; I need you to believe in me! I need to believe… I need to believe that you can believe in me. Don't abandon me, don't let go of all of this so easily. Please…
I wrestle out off my gi and feel the pitter patter of the rain burn against my skin, ice shards cutting through my flesh. I delicately wrap it around her, trying to protect her from the cold as best as I can, savoring this one meek moment of intimacy. Her widened eyes shoot up, searching for some sign on my face proving that somehow I am giving in to her desires. I can't afford to offer her such openness; I need to heal some more, need to believe in me some more so that she can be happy, so all her patience and waiting won't go to waste. I love her and that is all I know. I cannot be with her as she wishes, not yet, not until I figure some things out but, I won't loose her; she's all I have and she's all I want.
"Let's go back inside and warm up… Kaoru." I add that as an afterthought and I say this just to keep her close, to make sure she will believe in me and hang on some more, just because her name tastes so sweet against my lips.
She smiles softly at me and buries herself into my chest.
"You are going to get sick." Her muffled words abandon my chest and rumble through my body like electricity.
I can't help but chuckle as I think to myself that I am already sick. The rain has nothing to do with my ailment. The girl in my arms, with all of her concern, has more to do with my illness than the splattering rain. Being lovesick has nothing to do with the weather…
Thus, she abandons the soft spot on my chest ready to walk ahead of me, when I place my arm around her shoulder and pull her close to me, intent on keeping her as warm as possible until we reach the dojo. I remember her bare feet and frown. That just won't do. I lift her into my arms and decide I will just have to carry her instead. She gasps in shock but then simply opts for relaxing, nuzzling her face in the crook of my neck, trying to hide her pale skin from the rain. It might be true that we, as a unit, are short of a miracle tonight but me, as a man, I carry living proof of miracles in my arms tonight.
Thump - Thump. I can hear a heartbeat. Thump-Thump-Thump. It quickens, gets louder, seems racy. Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump! It's truly awkward, but that fast, steady pounding soothes me. It's nice to know that when in proximity of me, her heart beats just as fast as mine.
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Well folks, whatever your opinion of this then please do review and, remember, me no own RK, so please, don't sue!
Reviewer Responses:
To mvdiva: Hi! Umm… thanks for continuously reviewing this fic and taking the time to read it. It makes me feel special!!! *blushes madly*. As for your fic, I have been keeping an eye on it and I have to say, I find it's coming along GREAT! In my opinion you never wrote yourself into a corner but rather made yourself some room to create and expand on many possibilities. Kenshin is being very much like Kenshin once he gets into his brooding phase and vows, yet again to protect his Kaoru-dono, even from himself. Nicely done!
To A.R. Frederik: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your review for chapter 7 did wonders for me! I did exactly as you recommended, took some time off to think and ponder and then pine over the characters' next move and… suddenly I woke up humming a song and decided I was ready to write again, giving this my all. I hope it worked. Well, you tell me, right? *giggles nervously* Anyway, just really, please keep reviewing because you have proved to be wonderful help and if the flame of writing was rekindled, I owe it in grand part to you.
To Mewberries: Sorry I made you wait!!! Okay, so I didn't insert your megaphone into the storyline, but I did make Kenshin's conscience tell him he was an idiot. I think that's as close as I will ever get to the megaphone, although you seem to have other wonderful uses for it *snickers*. Well, do keep the feedback coming and thank you for your interest in this fic.
To Ambie Chan: You know, in a way I am grateful that fanfiction.net only allows one review per story otherwise I get the feeling that, in spite of your words declaring the contrary, you WOULD have been throwing death threats my way because of the sweet time I took to finally upload. Gomen! *bows head in shame*. I just really needed to get my muse back! Please don't give up on this story! Do read and review!
To Ocean Fish: a.k.a, the writer formally known as newbee. Hahaha. Okay I won't ask and it sounds okay, better than 'starfish and the hot-dog flavored water' anyway! Of course I will be on the lookout for your upcoming creation! Thanx for your sweet words and your support! Tell me what you think of this chapter, I would gladly appreciate it.
To ShilviGrl/Amyjenc1: I didn't really understand everything you said in your review but one thing was clear… YOU LIKED MY STORY!!! Thanks.
To neko youkai prncezz: Here is more of this story, just for you!!! Okay, so not exactly posted ASAP, but hey, I do my best! Thanks for the review!
To tampopo: *Iram blushes 100 different shades of red and shyly makes circles on the floor with feet*. Awww, what you said was so nice!!! I am touched and honored that you could make this humble writer out to be so talented. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter; do let me know what you made of it.
To Kenshin-Kaoru-Forever: Wish granted! New chapter posted and e-mail to notify update sent!
To Vensu Smurf: Lets get into the topic of adoration: I think I adore you more than you adore me. You are just amazing at saying the right things to get me going and happy and open to writing! As for your brother and adoration, I am taking a slight dislike to him because of what he did to your laptop but, since he's your family… I won't hold a grudge… not long, anyway. I am going to miss your reviews and believe me, the idea of getting absurdly long reviews from you in a not so distant future is truly pleasant. I'm glad you liked the "whisper" concept and I would love to know, once you get around to reading this, no matter how long that might take, how you felt with the whole "sound sequence" in this chapter. Once again, I'm sad about the act that you won't be able to review me until a laptop's back in your hands, but I wish you the best of luck and hope that you an buy the darned thing soon! Kisses and over a thousand thank yous for your continual encouragement and honest praise.
Well people, I'm done for the night. Stay tuned to find out what happens next time in our 20 min. long drama "All I wanted". Hahhaha. 'Till next time kids!