STANDAR DISCLAIMERS APPLY: Me, own RK? What are you on?!
Quick little message from author: I apologize for making you all wait so long to see what would happen next. I am so sorry!!! The thing is…*sigh* It's my muse again. I swear, sometimes she can be so unwilling to cooperate that it saddens me. Other times she has me working so much that my eyes are drooping and I can't stop writing. Would it be too much to ask if she managed to distribute inspiration in a more organized fashion? Oh well, after a lot of grumbling, headaches, wrist aches and heartache, here's a long chapter. Enjoy…
Chapter 9: The Courageous Heart of Kamiya Kaoru.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, to swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice. But for those who love time is not." -Henry van Dyke
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"Kami-sama, you're drenched!" he exclaimed, rushing to find a towel as soon as he had gently set her down in her bedroom.
Kaoru mechanically unwrapped herself from his dank gi and ran her fingers nervously through her damp hair.
The walk back to the dojo had been set in silence with only the continuous drumming of the rain disrupting the stillness of the night.
Her heart had been pounding so infuriatingly loud when in his arms that she had not even been capable of thinking properly, much less speaking her mind. There were so many things she yearned to say…
When she had bravely trudged off after him she had planned on apologizing, on scolding him, on telling him all the things that she had kept quiet for so long. Instead, she had let silence envelop them and swallow her whole. "Can you offer me what I want?" What kind of apology or profound undying love confession was that?!
Kaoru frowned and unconsciously tightened her grip on the fabric threaded through her fists. She was so angry with herself and her body was in turn so rigid that her knuckles were turning white. If she kept this up, soon her nails would be drawing blood from her very flesh.
There was just so much she wanted to say!!! And all she could do when he was around was cower and hide behind words she couldn't fully comprehend!!! Her mouth suddenly opened and before her mind had time to process any of it she was already caught in some embarrassing or confusing situation that she simply couldn't turn her back from. Wouldn't it just be easier if she were the type to get tongue-tied? Oh, but nooo, her mouth just had to have a will of its own and actually function properly without previously meditated on commands.
Kaoru glared down at her hands and stared, transfixed, at the magenta fabric of his dripping gi. A half smile graced her lips as she remembered how sweet his actions had been upon realizing that they had been caught in a rainstorm together. He had immediately peeled off the one item of clothing protecting his torso against the freezing ice showers and wrapped it around her to shield her from the cold, regardless of his own health. Always regardless of himself he stumbled through this life…
Kenshin crept into the room and found her standing as immobile as a statue, clutching his gi tightly, a sorrowful expression darkening her features.
"Kaoru?" he wondered aloud, stepping softly towards her. It appeared that she was deep in thought for his words and footsteps seemed to go unnoticed by her ears.
"Kaoru?" he repeated, tearing his gi gently from her clenched hands.
"Hunh? Oh Kenshin! Sorry; I didn't hear you come in."
"It's alright" he said placing a very dry towel into her not quite as dry hands.
Kaoru eyed the towel absently, still caught in the miasma of her thoughts:
"Sometimes, I regret telling him that I do not care about the past, for it seems he might have misinterpreted me. What I meant to say back then, was that I would gladly bear the burden of the lives he took long ago with him, for that did not matter to me, nor should it have any relevance in the life we might choose to lead. Killing people is wrong. Yes, I am aware of that, considering I adhere myself to the principle of the Sword of Life, the foundations of my very own being."
"Of course, if he doesn't open up and pour his heart out to me anytime soon, that does not mean that I will stop loving him. I will always love him; there is no doubt in my heart about it. My soul belongs to him, my very essence thinly spread against every one of his occasional and very rare, true smiles."
"We keep dancing around each other, never going straight for the root of the problem, never having a decent, polite discussion over matters that concern our non-relationship."
"I want to be able to sit beside him in silence without feeling uncomfortable. I need us both to learn to trust each other with our lives; past, present and future. That's all I want."
"I want him, I long for him and most importantly, I need him to know that I have finally understood, that I have finally seen the light regarding whom he is and that I am not afraid."
"The wall had never been him: it is me! The silent barrier wasn't his guilt; it is my apprehension. I thought I could take it, but when presented with the truth all I did was pull back, unwilling to confront and only ready to forget. It was his past- his life. How could I ever ask him to forget his life?"
Kenshin was talking, but Kaoru wasn't listening at all. She was too busy gathering her thoughts, all of them. There was just so much that she wanted to say…
Her mouth had a mind of its own, often throwing her into situations the more sensitive side of her would have rather gladly avoided; perhaps she could use this for her own benefit. There were a great deal of things she wanted to speak out but she was too scared and would rather avoid exposing all of her thoughts. Maybe her accursed condition could prove to her advantage. Maybe her clumsiness could be turned right back around into something else, something more… something akin to courage.
"… then after your warm bath you could drink some tea just to avoid a cold or the flu." She heard Kenshin say.
A warm bath… What about him? Some tea… What about him?!
Courage. She needed courage and she needed it now. Now would definitely be a good time for her foggy mind and her easygoing mouth to work their magic. Thus:
"Kenshin, I know it's late and we are both tired and we've both spoken up about a lot of things today but- if I don't say certain things right now I fear I might never say them."
She had decided. It was time. He needed to understand. He needed to see just how much she wanted, needed and longed for him. All else could wait. Everything else didn't matter; it was all devoid of relevance if he walked away yet again. She could wait. She could wait an eternity if he asked her to but she needed to make sure that he understood, that he knew how she felt before he put them through the filter of patience and impatience derived in a forever.
"Kaoru…" he breathed out. What would she ask of him now? What words would she like him to say that he knew he very well wouldn't be able to blurt out? What was she going to make him listen to? What was he not going to be capable of responding accordingly to now?
"No, please, let me get this over with. First thing's first: here." She said handing him the pristine white towel.
"Oro?" he blinked, confused by her actions.
"You are a very strong man; we've already covered that. Your body works in amazing ways: I don't think I have ever encountered someone with your physical and healing abilities. Now, that being said; take this stupid towel and dry up! You were just caught in the rain like me and are every bit as human as I am. If I get sick you will coddle me; if you get sick you will cover it up and strain yourself to the point of possible death. I'm not ready to have you die on me just yet, so here." She insisted, giving him the soft, fluffy thing.
Kenshin found himself ready to argue with her, complaining about the fact that she read him wrong. However, the sincerity in her quivering voice, his less-than-eager will to worry her and the actual truth behind her speech drove him to a curt nod and a grateful response.
"Your concern is very much appreciated Kaoru-do – Kaoru." He stuttered, still not entirely accustomed to the lack of the famed honorific after pronouncing her name.
Kaoru smiled at him sadly. Had no one ever cared for him his entire life? Had anyone bothered to be kind with him and actually treat him human before? These questions made another wave of scattered thoughts swarm about in her head, which prompted her next statement:
"How did it feel to sacrifice your soul for the greater good knowing that most people wouldn't understand you, that they wouldn't acknowledge the nobility of your deeds?"
"Killing people isn't noble." He replied in a low, sinister tone.
Kaoru slowly padded her way to the futon, sitting on its surface, fully intent on seeing this conversation through.
"I'm not saying that taking a life is noble or right but… those were different times. There was war on the streets and someone had to fight to make it stop, for it to have some sort of justification or, at the very least, a purpose. It's strange really, but I think about it a lot and, even if I can't ever say that what you did was morally correct, I understand it. Maybe it's an awful thing to say, especially since it contradicts my budo but… it is how I feel.
The context in which you fought and slaughtered- slaughtered really is a horrible word, isn't it? – made you out to be only a victim of circumstance, pretty much like everyone back then."
"He who can wield a sword to protect his own life, who can at any given moment assume the arrogant role of playing God, is not a victim of anything, ever." Kenshin practically growled.
"Perhaps. You were fighting for a belief though, not as a means to keeping yourself alive, and your cause won. I can live in peaceful times because you carved my path to a better future, along with that of millions of people, with your sword's blade shedding others' blood. Those of us who live in peace, who thrive and proudly hold our heads high because we never caused another's death, we bask in that same blood everyday, proclaiming innocence. How can I judge you when it is through your sins that I can look forward to a brighter future of content living?"
"In this new era not much has changed. It is still somewhat naïve to consider these to be truly peaceful times. There's still a great deal to work on before the beliefs that finally drove the previous one to a close actually fully kick in. The path might have been carved but we have yet to tread it and, if it is not walked upon, it is useless."
"I agree: if you don't attempt to experience peace, you render it useless. Even against your will Kenshin, you will have to live in peace sooner or later. It's not really a choice you know; it's human life. Which brings me to tonight…"
Kenshin cringed. What was she looking to get at? This conversation- he didn't want to be having this conversation right now. What he wanted was for Kaoru to be in bed, asleep, avoiding any possible chances of getting a bit under the weather, given their midnight bath and all.
"Kaoru, discussing such things at this hour might not be for the best. Tomorrow will be a brand new day, then all of this-"
"Tomorrow will be too late. Kenshin, every single day of your life you weep with your whole heart; I believe you can laugh with the whole of it too.
I don't know much, except that you need to heal. However you choose to take it upon yourself to heal I will abide by it but, I do believe that love can help some and… I love you. Like I said, I don't know much about anything in the end, but I love you and maybe, just maybe, that might turn out to be a good thing for the both of us."
Kenshin shook his head. She was asking too much from him and the bad news was that… he was this close to giving up on himself and just taking it all, allowing her to call the shots, to make the tough decisions for him. He was tired, it had been a long night and, apparently, they still had a long way to go.
"Kaoru, please…"
"No! Don't think that I am asking you for an answer or for you to feel ready! I'm not telling you this so you can jump into my arms and we can live happily ever after! I'm not going to deny that I would like that to happen either, but if I expected it then I wouldn't know you at all. You have many secrets but at least I think I can presume to know you, just a little bit. And that little bit that I have on you, it makes me fully conscious that you need to go slow, take your time, brood, pine, ponder and whatnot. All I want is for you to get the fact that I love you through that thick head of yours! Worthiness, unworthiness, clean hands, blood and martyrdom- all of that is in YOUR mind, not mine! I LOVE YOU!!! The rest… I don't care. L – O – V – E. I LOVE YOU!!! Nightmares, gruesome memories, guilt, slumped shoulders and faraway looks, I will share the lot of it with you! And why is that?! BECAUSE I, KAMIYA KAORU, LOVE YOU, KENSHIN HIMURA!!! NOT THE RUROUNI, NOT THE BATOUSSAI, JUST YOU!"
Kenshin's eyes widened and his throat closed up. Suddenly he snapped back to reality when lack of oxygen to his lungs got him dizzy. He hadn't realized that he had forgotten to breathe.
When had he ever just been 'Kenshin'? The last time he checked, there was always some eloquent wording meant to define him.
First came the cold-blooded assassin known as Batoussai. Then came the gentle, warm-hearted and simple rurouni. He was a swordsman, a shadow assassin, a bodyguard, a protector of the oppressed, the strongest man in Japan… the list could go on forever. But when, oh when, had he just been Kenshin? Not Himura-san, not baka deshi but just Kenshin, a regular name fit for a regular man, like any other? How long had he wished to become, to be reborn into a common person tending to the daily labors of their routinely and ordinary life?
'Just you!' Just him… How did that work? What was it like to be just 'him'? It had been years, a lifetime of hardships and travels on an everlasting quest for redemption before he had ever been reverted to the role of the little boy he once knew, of the little boy that just 'was'.
At this point, Kaoru was trembling. Never, in all the time that she had known this beautiful man had she deemed herself capable of screaming away her most guarded emotions. The effect he seemed to have on her was so strange…
Since that fateful day, since that alley, since his initial goofy grin, she had been caught under his spell, entranced by the mystery that was him.
Tonight, with flustered cheeks and heavy breathing she tried to gather herself, to assimilate the reality behind what seemed to be nothing more than a daydream, one of the many she used to have involving her favorite redhead and her big mouth accompanied by a florid confession and a passionate kiss.Tonight there were no heated kisses and the syllables that flowed from her very heart out into the silence of her room were neither refined nor enhanced in metaphor; they just were, and it had really happened, and she could not take a single breath of it back.
Meticulously picking herself off the futon, avoiding him entirely, she walked past him and stood before the sliding doors of her bedchamber.
"Good night Kenshin." She called out.
Kenshin, lost in space, only half registered her polite order of retreat and, like a zombie with light feet, glided out of her personal space and found himself in the hallway, right back where he had started.
Spinning around, he came face to face with a shoji sliding shut. For the second time that night he stared with fierce intensity at the thin rice paper that separated him from something completely unknown to his person up until now, lost in the deepest of thinking patterns.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
On the other side of the poorly rebuilt barrier Kaoru's hands spread out stiffly against the rice paper's surface, her eyes glazed over and she crumbled to the ground like a dejected paper crane.
Had she done the right thing? She needed to know. She told Kenshin she loved him, that she didn't care about all the reasons that compelled him to put their relationship on hold. She also happened to mention that, maybe, taking into account the motives that of his actions during the Bakumatsu, he blames himself excessively for his wrongdoings. Then, she proceeded to discreetly shove him out of her room because she didn't want him to feel obliged to anything due to her aforementioned statements.
Why did everything have to be so complicated?!! Sure she recognized that the romance novels that she devoured before letting her head flop sleepily down on her pillow were too farfetched to someday compare to an actual chapter of her own life, but still… Couldn't the world give her a break for once?!! Couldn't the love of her life get over guilt tripping for at least one lousy night?
But nooo… simple things were obviously not meant for he; it was only through a tirade of complications that she could finally reach her heart's desires. That was just the way the universe had intended it, or something: clearly the universe conspired against her from the moment she was conceived. That bunch of middle aged, bald, bored out of their minds comedians who transform puny humans into the perfect characters for their skits, also known as the ruling forces of the universe, had mapped out her entire life into one giant teardrop, sprinkled with golden showers of laughter and amusement all the way, all the taunt and flirt, before slamming down versus harsh soil.
Kamiya Kaoru's life chart in a nutshell: loose mother, then father at young age, consequently becoming traumatized with the idea of living and dying alone and lonely in this rapidly spinning world. Cut to Act 3, Scene 1: meeting with an adored tormentor disguised in long auburn hair and baggy white hakama, followed by; abandonment by said embodiment of torment; various close encounters with death because of the auburn spreading slightly more crimson all over the adored one's figure; several kidnappings as an outcome to her questionable association with her heart's owner, not to mention daily life occurrences deriving in the "will they or won't they?" talk of the town.
Yes, the kamis had graced her with complication after complication, but only in the adequate dosage to numb her and not choke her; just enough so she could learn to deal with herself without dying.
On a limb, she had decided to defy the heavenly forces that controlled her destiny and tried to de-complicate her situation with her soul mate by setting things right, which implied admitting her feelings for him, demonstrating her vast knowledge and comprehension of his inner turmoil, and apologizing for erroneous, pointless accusations made.
Wait… she had admitted and acknowledged… but had she apologized?!!
Leaping to her feet and wiping at her eyes, she pulled on that wretched, stubborn barrier one more time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I'm unworthy, I'm unworthy, I'm unworthy, I'm unworthy…" Kenshin repeated to himself for the zillionth time.
"Face it: that mantra's getting old." He thought to himself.
Unworthy, incapable, unable, guilty, dangerous, hurtful, unthinkable- Kenshin's own thesaurus of ugly terms synonymous to that which he was and represented, blown to smithereens by a courageous angel's breathtaking performance.
So, the question arised: what now?
If he couldn't feel unworthy, incapable, unable, and so on, and so on, in her presence, if his cover was blown and he was no longer allowed to scour behind used and reused safety measures to keep her at a distance, what now?
The rurouni, this role he had played for so long, had been deconstructed by a kind, yet simple, girl- or so he had thought. No; he had always known that she wasn't simple. If so though, then why hadn't his warrior instincts seen this coming?
Because this wasn't a battle! He had been a clever strategist all the time, overlooking the simplest of things: this wasn't, had never been, nor would ever be battleground. Apparently, this was home base and he, somehow, had gotten the two seriously mixed up. Then again, HE was seriously mixed and messed up; mistakes such as these were bound to happen.
She loved him through everything. All he thought she couldn't see, was too ingenious to understand, turned out to be his demise and downfall. Had this been a duel, he would be a limp, lifeless heap of a body by now, but this was home; he was left still standing, an arm's length away from his only reason to live.
Kenshin scratched the back of his head sheepishly: could he be more idiotic if he tried?!! Probably not, but if there was a contest for idiot of the year, he would be ruling champion for the past… his entire life!
His philosophy regarding Kaoru had been as follows: she is my road to happiness, she is that which urges me to live; yet another mistake. Tonight he stood corrected: she WAS his happiness, she WAS his life, not the means to an end. She was both the means, the end and a bonus, nicely stuffed as an extra to the already full package.
What Kaoru had said inside the confines of her bedroom was… amazing; his response to everything had been… disconcerting, to keep it low key. He had found himself at a loss for words, not the least on the night's long list of firsts. He had wanted to let go of all restraints and drown in her gravitational pull, unsurprisingly yet another first since sundown.
He was getting tires and, on some level, too old for this. She was right; he would have to deal with living in peace eventually, the thought had already crossed his mind a few times after he had awoken from the dream.
About the dream… The dream's fuel had burnt out quickly, but a certain raven haired beauty's insistence had maintained this journey of self awakening eventful and surprising. She was just full of surprises; quite the little piñata.
Events, surprises, tears, rage, frustration, hope and a million other expressions later, he was certain that she, although not sully familiar with his every ordeal and affliction, was indeed the person that knew him best. She was informed on just enough to draw him in.
As for the many other blanks; he could fill them in afterwards or leave some spaced out and unanswered forever: there wee some things she was better off not knowing and that suited him just fine.
He loved her, she loved him and all bets were off, all arguments coming undone at the thought of her long lashes, the perfect frame to her sparkling eyes. So, what now?
Synonyms of barrier: barricade, restraint.
Antonyms of barrier: assistance, encouragement.*
To pull down the barrier, some assistance through encouragement, brought on by courage and valiance, was required: a sliding door and Kaoru's face came into full view.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kaoru wasn't sure of what happened next: one minute she was stammering his name dumbly, confused by finding him still in the hallway, and suddenly, before she knew what was going on, Kenshin's lips were crushed against hers, sheer bottled up passion and love shining through.
His hands were in her hair, on her waist, on her cheeks; they were everywhere, roaming her, exploring her. Her hands were also doing a little wandering of their own, discovering the feel of his hair, slipping through her fingers, the softness of his skin and the warmth of his eyes. Everything was so new and so wonderful and so foreign and undisclosed all at once, that going about this newfound discovery slowly was impossible. They were both caught in a mad rush of adrenaline; too many things left unsaid that could only be made out and proved real through action.
Ever so gently, he began prying on her yukata and she tenderly slipped her hands through the opening on his gi, making contact with his bare skin, scarred and mistreated by years of fighting for dreams and ideals, of fighting in a world gone mad and for a world that was now all the better for it.
The caresses, the exchanged glances, the crescendo in the already frenetic rhythm of surfacing emotions finally breaking through; it was all heaven to him. The jasmine scent of her hair was intoxicating and irresistible. The smoothness of creamy ruffling imaginary wings at her back was the sweetest hallucination that he had ever fallen victim to.
The white yukata came off. All inhibitions fell on the floor with their clothes and what proceeded was a gentle game of skin on skin, an exercise in further recognizing, admiring and understanding each other.
Two souls laid bare on a cotton cloud, slipping into each other's truths, reaching for each other's hearts, desperately clinging onto one another's disarrayed emotions, begging to be acknowledged. The tenderness and the forcefulness of their natures was exposed. There were no secrets that night, at least none that floated beyond the barrier of words. They themselves were floating, exploring the immensity of each others' worlds, worlds that were presented at their very feet, humbly offered with pleading gazes, quickening breaths and relinquished with the outburst of acceptance.
One autumn night, amidst chilly temperatures, fleeting yellowed leaves and the cold sun's first heart warming rays, two souls bargained the rest of their lives innocently, clumsily and completely.
One autumn night, turning into day, on a warm mattress, two hearts beat as one, finally relaxing into another's rhythm, finally finding a place to belong to in such a vast world: each other's arms.
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If you have any comments, give me a review. I'll stick around for the good, the bad and the ugly. Except if you are a K/K hater because, well, why were you reading this story if it's about them? Are you some sort of masochist? Still, if that's your case, don't bother yourself by reading this and don't bother me by sending me a negative review. Aside from that, all comments, good or bad, are fully welcome.
Reviewer Responses:
To Rekka's Angel: Thank you for your kind review. What I was trying to convey last chapter was exactly that, love in the real world, not some idyllic fairytale. Fairytales are nice, but they are more of a fantasy than anything else; I wanted my characters to be as real as fictional characters could be, under the circumstances. I'm glad that you saw eye to eye with me on that.
To Megumi_Katekawa: I'm sorry that I left you hanging quite a while there. I hope that this new chapter was to your liking and that you continue as much in love with this story as the first time you read it. I know I'm still in love with writing it. It pleases me immensely that other people can actually come to enjoy something I write
To Papaya!: It makes me happy to know that your new vice is a fanfic called "All I Wanted"; it gets me in a good mood to know that! I REALLY wanted Kenshin to turn around and just kiss her or something but… I knew I couldn't. As for what happens in this chapter, I hope you still find K and K to be quite as in character as before. Let's just take into account, though, that Kaoru was being a brave young lady here, speaking her heart and that, after a dumfounded state, Kenshin proved to be just human. I mean, after a gal says all she does, if the guy doesn't respond, there is something really wrong with him. That, or he's just Heero…
To Mewberries: Happy enough for ya? ^_^ Sure, I'm still not done, I think I have only one more chapter to go, but it's all going to be happy, happy, happy!!! Another question: do you still feel sorry for broody Kenni now? Hahhaah… I thought not…
To Ookami-Chan: Curiously enough, this morning I found a giant brown box in the middle of the kitchen *bites nails and glances around nervously*. I fear that your threat has become a reality and now I don't know what to do! What if the dog pounces on me, Hector tackles me and suddenly I end up duct taped to my computer chair?!! So… the box remains closed because, whatever is in there, I don't wanna know…. Thank you for liking my ficcie!!!
To tampopo: Luckily for you, I found the time to write the chapter… eventually anyways. Okay so, chapter 8, not so happy. What about now? Are you grinning broadly from ear to ear? I hope so! I didn't give in to your idea about Kaoru saying she was sorry although, would you rather have had her say so and nothing else happen or let Kenshin kiss her into silence before she spilled the beans? Toughie, hunh? Anyway, thank you for the support!
To Kenshin-Kaoru Forever: Another chapter was posted, another e-mail was sent.
To TenkunoMeiou: Me glad u likes.
To ShilviGrl/Amyjenc1: Thanx for appreciating the sound sequence. Well, I think he told her now, right? Well, sort of anyways…
To Shaeya Sedjet Namir: I love your penname!!! I have no idea what it means, if it's a real name or the name of some anime character, but it's trippy! Ahn, thank you for deeming this humble piece of work as sniffle worthy; hopefully, after this chappie, it will be equally grin worthy! It was very sweet and kind of you to consider me a great writer. Thank you, I think that a message like that always gives room to some inspiration.
To A.R. Frederik: Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I don't think I can ever say it enough! You said my writing has passion!!! *stars glimmer in eyes*. As for your offer; I will joyfully take it. Thank you for your extreme kindness and for the continuous encouragement. I love the way you review with concise pointers and sound advice. You don't sugarcoat it but you are gentle in your approach and very sweet. That is something that always makes me eager to write: knowing that someone that is reading this believes in me not just as a fic writer, but as a writer, period. I would write more but it's 4 am and my eyes are closing all on their own. Better get me some rest. Good night and, again, thank you.
Thank you to all and to all a good night!!! Next chapter is the last (I think, with my muse you never know.) so, be on the lookout, 'kay? Bye now!