I always wanted to tell you Brother…I'm sorry.

            I had stayed there with him the whole two weeks. I only left for short intervals of time. But he never came out of it. A few times Don was able to take him off the oxygen because his lungs started to function on their own, and he was showing signs of brain activity. But…he could never keep them clear. They kept filling up with fluids and such. I think that was the first sign…the second being that he wasn't able to speak and follow directions. Those were the first noticeable signs of the brain damage that had occurred, the first and…only. He passed away a few hours ago, finally. And…I never got the chance to tell him any of the thoughts I had written down. I never…a quiet sob escaped my lips, and finally I crumbled to my knees by the bed and buried my face in my hands. It wasn't right. No one should be ignored for mistakes they have made in the past. But it was too late for that. I couldn't go back now. I couldn't change the past…I couldn't torture myself with all the what if's and maybe's. But…you can never stop yourself, because they still flood your mind, consuming you. What if I had cared more than I had? What if I had tried harder! I didn't have to ignore him, didn't have to continue letting him go out knowing where he was going and what he would be doing. But I did. Time after time …I let him go and slowly kill himself. Half the things I had said to him I will never be able to forgive myself for. It just wasn't right. He was my brother. Why it took until now to see that, I don't know.  I reached out and held his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm so sorry Raphael. I'm sorry I never cared enough. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you. I…"

My voice trailed off as another wave of tears hit me full force. I was sure that my brothers could hear my quiet sobs. But I didn't care…I was mourning.

            I sighed and slowly got to my feet, wiping away the tears that hadn't dried from my face. I looked down at my brother one more time, and then slowly drew the sheet over his face. A quiet knock from behind startled me from my thoughts.

"Leo?"

"Yes?"

"Can…can I come in?"

"Yea."

The door slowly opened and I watched as Don slipped inside along with Mike. They walked over to me; Mike went to the other side of the bed and kneeled down.  I watched him for a moment, before turning to my brother.

"Uh…where do you want to cremate him?"

"Near the beach."

"Yea…he always did like the ocean. He used to sit there for hours at night and just…watch it."

My brother and I looked over at Mike and smiled. I was worried for him. He and Raph had always been real close. Mikey had only come into the room a couple times, only being able to stay until the tears started to fall, then he'd quickly leave and lock himself in his room for hours. It was all Don and I could do to get him to eat. I ate…but not much. Don kept himself busy in his lab. Never coming out unless it was to fix us all something to eat or check on Raphael's vital signs. But I knew Mikey was beating himself up pretty bad, worse than I have to myself. I turned and gave Don a worried glance, and he returned it, nodding slightly.

"We can do it tomorrow night then. There won't be any one around to ask questions."

"Can we do it where he always used to go Leo?"

I looked over at my youngest brother and gave him a small re-assuring smile.

"Of course Mikey."

He gave me a small grin in return and then lowered his head back to the bed. It broke my heart to see him like this. I had been there only a few moments ago.

"I fixed some soup Leo, why don't you come out and have a bowl…give Mike some time alone."

I nodded and followed Don to the door. Before stepping out I looked back at my brother and watched him for a moment.

"Hey Michelangelo?"

He looked up at me with a questioning look in his eyes.

"I love you."

A tear slowly slid down my cheek as I turned and left the room, closing the door behind me. And from the closed door I could hear the quiet sobs of my brother as he lay on the bed mourning just as I had, but not only for Raphael, but for the love that we all had shared but had never taken the time to voice. He mourned for the ignorance that blinded us and kept us from not sharing the love we felt.

Remember this: You can't wait to tell someone you love them. They could die tomorrow. You don't have all the time you think you do. Don't let ignorance blind you. And don't let past mistakes keep you from loving someone. We all make mistakes. And we all should be forgiven for them. Don't ignore someone because of what they have done. After they're gone you'll regret it and it will be a long time before you'll be able to forgive yourself for it. I'm speaking from personal experience. I never took the time to call and tell him I loved him. For a long time I acted as if I had only two uncles, when in fact I had three. Now…I only have two. I ignored him because of mistakes he had made in his past. I let ignorance blind me and keep from realizing that what I was doing was wrong. He loved me because I was his niece. And…I loved him because he was my uncle. I just never took the time to tell him. Now I'm learning the hard way. Don't end up where I am now. Learn from this and realize that time isn't something you can just put off. Time doesn't give a damn about your schedule or feelings. It's relentless in its motive to keep going. There are no pause buttons. Not even rewind. So stop and reflect upon this and learn. You can't wait to say, "I love you". And it's not right to ignore someone because of what they did in their past. In the end…time really does matter.

-April Storm