(I'm continuing this story as the events happen. This will be a relatively short chapter, but it will be significant like the others. The last chapter of this story will not be done till I get back from New Hampshire. I'll be gone from the 14-23 of this month. The funeral will be somewhere during that time period. I'm so grateful for all your reviews and all your support. You guys have really helped me through this and I hope to continue having your support b/c I really need it right now. For those of you who I look up to for your amazing writing abilities (and you know who your are) I thank you for your amazing reviews. For those of you who are close friends of mine (you know who you are as well) I thank you for your wonderful support and care that you give to me. And for those of you who I don't know (and…you know who you are) I hope to get to know you. You are wonderful people. So feel free to email me or IM me. Sorry that this disclaimer is so long. But I needed to get these thoughts out in the beginning b/c at the end of this chapter I will not be in the state of mind to write any of this. Thank you once again and I love you all.)
He sat there on the edge of the bed and watched me quietly, studying my face as I slept. At some point I woke up and looked at him, and a joy that is completely indescribable filled my heart and soul and I sat up pulling him into a suffocating embrace. He chuckled and hugged me back just as fiercely. I would have laughed but I was crying to hard to do anything else except for breathing. And even that was difficult. Finally we pulled away from each other and I took his face in both my hands and stared into his eyes for the longest time.
"I'm so sorry Raphael. I never meant to ignore you, and I never meant any of the shit I said to you. I'm so so sorry."
"Leo…Leo it's fine. Calm down alright? Chill…before ya give yerself a stroke or somethin'!"
I couldn't help but laugh, just as I remembered him. Always having to say something smart.
"You know I love you right? You know I've always loved you. No matter how much of an obnoxious asshole you could be."
"I know Leo…I'm sorry I never listened to you. But I'm ok now. I'm alright where I am. I finally see all the shit I did wrong and I finally understand all the things you and Mikey and Don tried to tell me. But…I want you to know I'm ok now. Splinter was there to meet me when I passed, and he led me to where I am now. I'm at peace with myself Leo, as you should be. It's ok now. You don't have to worry about me anymore. Splinter does.
He smirked and lightly patted the side of my face, his thumb brushing away a few tears.
"I love you so much Raph. And I'm going to miss you too."
A lump caught in my throat causing me to choke on those last few words. This was the last chance I had with him. The last moment I'll share with my brother.
"I love you too Leo and I'll miss all of you. Tell Donnie thanks for everything. And…tell Mikey…"
He paused for a moment, holding back emotions that I had never seen him fight with before. Then he continued with a whisper.
"Tell Mikey that I love him and that he'll always be my little brother. Tell him that I'm sorry for not being there enough for him. Would you do that for me bro'?"
I nodded, swallowing back another wave of tears.
"Tell Splinter that I love him and miss him as well…. tell him we all do."
"Sure thing Leo…I promise. He loves and misses you as well. And we both want you to know we'll be watchin' over you. Well 'cept for when yer in the bathroom"
We both laughed, breaking some of the intense emotions swimming around us.
"I gotta go…hang in there Leo. Always know if ya need someone ta talk to I'm always listenin' to ya"
He pulled me into another tight embrace; the kind that two close brothers would only share in private. Then I was surprised to find him crying on my shoulder. At first I had no Idea what to do…but then I realized that I was doing exactly the right thing. I was loving him. And I held him and cried as well and we shared our tears together for the final time.
A short gasp escaped my lips as I awoke to find myself alone in my bedroom. He was gone now…that was the last time I'd ever see him. Why did it have to be like that? Why couldn't it have been while he was still alive? I should have pulled him aside those few weeks ago. What had stopped me! I curled up in a tight ball under the covers and listened to my own quiet sobs of guilt and pain. The heat rose around me as I let the hot tears roll down my cheeks and onto the pillow. I couldn't escape it. And at that moment more than anything I wanted someone to be there holding me, wiping away my tears and whispering to me that it'd all be ok, that I needed to let it out. I wanted someone to hold me till I fell asleep. But no one was there and the knowledge of this only made me cry harder. No one could hear my crying. I wanted Raphael to be alive so badly. I wanted it all to be some horrible nightmare that I would wake up from. I wanted Raph to shake me awake and tell me to knock it off and stop being such a pussy. But he wasn't going to…he never would be going to. I continued to cry until I finally exhausted myself and fell asleep. Dreams were now my new source of torture that I couldn't escape. I hoped with time they would get better.
I feel so lost without you here; wonder if you feel it too
So as I sit here staring at the floor are you thinking of me in some far off world.
I need you now more than anything so where are you please come to me.
Remember all those smiles and quiet times when it was just you and me?
I remember every move you made just wish you were here again
I need you now more than anything so where are you please come to me.
-Paints of Every Color
-Words by April L.
-Music by Dish
*I don't own the Ninja Turtles. Only my emotions.