-Disclaimer- I do not own the ninja turtles. So stuff a sock down yer throat you petty lawyers!

I always wanted to tell you Brother, I'm sorry

So this was it. The night that my brother's and I would lay to rest one of our own. It still hadn't fully hit me that Raphael was gone forever. Well no I shouldn't say forever, because I will see him again. I shook my head slowly as we made our way along the rocky hill leading towards the shoreline. The moon light was breath taking as its reflection rippled over the waves crashing towards the beach. I now realized why Raph spent so much time here alone. It was soothing to watch, to know that there could be such beauty in a world so corrupted and misled. A heavy sigh escaped past my lips as we reached the stack of wood that would serve as our bonfire and means of cremating our brother. It was close to two in the morning now with no one around to catch us, or ask us questions. The whole scenery seemed fitting. The cool breeze of the ocean air, the calm ocean with its small waves rolling in and out, and the full moon blazing brightly above us in the midnight velvet sky. Somewhere I knew that my brother was near, watching us, loving us as he always has.

"This is it". Donatello's voice quietly called over my shoulder.

I nodded and bent down, lowering the box holding my brother's body onto the sand.

"Got the matches"? I looked over at Mikey expectantly.

"Uh…um…" He searched around his pouches for a few moments, and then revealed a lighter instead.

"Heh sorry about that Leo". He gave me an awkward grin as he handed the lighter to me.

I gave him a brief smile then walked over to the pile of wood. It was time to say goodbye. I felt my remaining two brothers' come up behind me with our brother's body, and watched them as they carefully set it on top of the pile of driftwood. I cleared my throat, and glanced over at Donnie.

"Oh! Yea…umm…ok…" He scratched his bald head for a moment, then straightened up, his eyes remained lowered.

"Raphael, the only word that comes to mind when I think of you is…indestructible." He chuckled. "You always were the one to dive into the middle of a swarm of foot ninja, always the one to take on more than you should have, and always the one to make it out with hardly a bruise on you. Raphael, you were indestructible in that sense…but in another…you were destructible to yourself. All the drugs and alcohol you consumed brought forth your death sooner than it should have come. But, through all those mistakes I still love you, because you are my brother. Although we never talked much nor knew each other very well, I knew every time our eyes met that you loved me as I loved you. And you respected me as I respected you. I will miss you Raphael. Tell Master Splinter that I love and miss him deeply".

I raised my eyes to my elder brother and felt my heart sink as I watched the tears roll down his face. We shouldn't be here doing this, we should be back at the lair watching TV and bickering jokingly back and forth between one another. I shook my head slightly, and then turned to my youngest brother. He was already crying which told me that it was going to be hard for him to speak.

"I um…I…don't want to be here doing this. We should be back at home sitting on the couch and watching TV. Raph you have always been there for me. You always had an answer to my annoying and pointless questions and you were always there to hold me when I cried over stupid things in life. We shared such an incredible bond and…" He paused swallowing back a sob rising in his throat. "I miss you so much Raph. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for not being there for you. For not forcing you to talk about your problems, and your addictions. I will forever regret not telling you to quit. I love you and I miss you…and…I really…don't…" His voice faded as the sobs won over his will power, and he dropped to his knees, face buried in his hands. The heavy feeling in my chest was growing increasingly suffocating, and the frown on my face seemed to only be growing darker. It was now my turn…and I had no idea what to say. I turned and looked out at the ocean and watched the waves lazily roll in and out, disfiguring the reflection of the moon, expanding it and stretching it. Suddenly the heavy feeling seemed to be disappearing and the words and imagery started to form into coherent thoughts and sentences that I soon began to share with my brothers. I didn't really pay attention…I just…let my mind free and let my thoughts take control of my mouth and voice.

"I remember the night that we ended up talking for hours. I remember every word you said to me, and the way your eyes looked into mine. I felt this unbreakable bond between us that I normally didn't have the pleasure of feeling. And although it was only one night…it still brought us closer together and made us understand each other a little more. I just wished we could have done that every night". I sighed deeply, looking away from the ocean and to my brother's. They looked back at me with tear filled eyes, waiting expectantly for me to continue. I turned away and faced the ocean once more. And began recalling that night that seemed only a few hours ago.

He sat there on the couch beside me, shell leaning against the couch's arm, and kept steady eye contact with me. It was one of those rare nights when he was sober. He had just come back from the small beach he frequently went to, to sit and think about life and whatever else was on his mind.

"I want to go back and sit on the rocks and watch the ocean forever. And feel myself forever. Every time I leave, I end up losing myself and I hate that. I wish you could…I wish I could explain in such a way that the world could understand".

"You know that it doesn't have to be like that. If you just stopped using all those drugs and drinking like you do, you'd find yourself again Raph, and you wouldn't have to worry about losing it".

"It's not that easy Leon, I can't just…drop it ya know"? He sighed deeply and leaned forward, resting his chin in his upturned palm, his elbow sinking into his thigh. He sat lotus style, still facing me, eyes still burning deep into mine.

"You know that I'm here for you whenever you need someone to talk to. I listen very well".

"Would you mind if I just kinda...spoke my mind"?

"No not at all, I'd love to hear what's on your mind".

He nodded, and then cleared his throat.

"I want to be back on the beach, knee deep in ocean water, letting the waves crash into me and watching them roll back out only to come back in…and gaze out into the endless horizon of gray blue. I want to feel pure and refreshing like the ocean does. But why is it that I lose myself once I come back here? Mmm…because I'm afraid of showing it. This is probably just tasteless babblings to you, but it paints a picture and a memory for me. And that's all that matters.

"Why clam up"? I frowned, the emotions I saw swirling inside those dark gray eyes of his were almost overwhelming. I had never seen this side of Raphael.

"Why breath? I don't have an answer to that, just more diluted questions. This is me. This is me when I'm alone…thinking…these are thoughts inside my head…the images. The beauty, the hurt, pain, numbness, darkness, loneliness and the love. All of it will be locked up soon, pushed into the back of my mind. I don't intentionally do this, it just sorta happens like that".

I reached over and grasped his hand, and gave it a squeeze. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him that I loved him, but he knew. We both did.

I gasped in surprise at the sudden realization of that. He knew all along the love I had for him. It didn't have to be said; it was just something we both knew whenever we looked into one another's eyes, whenever we exchanged a smile, or small joke, a pat on the back or a hug. My hand found it's way to my cheek, wiping the tears that were falling from my eyes. Behind me I could hear the quiet sobs of my brothers'. I took a couple of deep breaths, then turned around and walked over to the pile of driftwood and my brother's body. I made a silent prayer to the gods above, then bent down and held the small flame of the lighter against the gasoline soaked wood. In moments the bonfire was lit, and the smell of burning wood and flesh invaded our nostrils. I walked over and took a seat between my brothers and watched the fire crackle and engulf the box he was in. Sparks flew upwards towards the star-strewn sky, and blew across the beach when the ocean breeze picked up. There comes a point that you reach in life where thing's have to change whether you want them to or not. It was going to be hard the next couple of years that were ahead, but I knew that we would all pull through together. I love you Raphael, may you find peace with yourself and may Master Splinter guide you in the after-life. There will come a time that we will be joined together again, and share old memories together. But until then, continue to watch us from wherever you may be, and protect us from the unseen evils of the world. I love you Raphael and I thank you for loving me and being my brother. I always wanted to tell you brother…Thanks.

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Hey all, I just wanted to thank you for all the support and wonderful reviews you've given me. It makes me so indescribably happy to hear that I've changed your life in some way. That I have inspired you to go and tell someone that you love them. I hope that I continue to help people with realizing there is no time to waste when telling someone how they feel. It's a dream of mine to inspire people. But…yea…I'm just rambling now. I love you all, may there be peace and plenty of turtle power in your lives. Ja ne

-April Storm