CHAPTER 2 - If Only She Knew
Damn, if only she knew, if only she knew. How many times I sit beside her as she drives the car along the long and winding roads. How many times I reach out to touch her and she shies away from my reach. I watch her cry. I watch her laugh to hide her tears. If only she knew that I really did believe her standing in the Hellmouth. If only she knew I still loved her, and was there beside her, watching her as she buried her head into the pillow and cried herself to sleep. I see her everyday, I see her when things remind her of me, and spark her to start her water works again. Stupid happy meals have to hurt the woman I love. They don't know it, but if I were there, all the look-a-likes, and leather coat wearers wouldn't be around much longer. So much for having my own say around here. Had to fight them to let me wander around down here and watch her. I wasn't doing much good elsewhere anyway, saying I'm too eccentric or something like that. I know what she was talking about, the fuzzy warm feeling. Yeah, had it for a while, didn't like it much, like being around her better. She's all the damned warm fuzzies I need. Watching her go out with bastards she meets at bars hurts me the most though. Knowing that the simplest memory of me is making her do that to herself. Part of me wants to say she deserves that, but all in all, I don't believe she deserves any of it. Still mostly a gentleman after all these decades. My mother had to much of an influence when it came to women. Damn her too, damn all the woman in my life that I love. They make it too hard. Not that being dead dead is hard, it's just… It strains your beliefs, it makes you re-evaluate your situation while you wandered the world, and it doesn't seem so bad. Especially when there aren't that many loved ones up here, and you have your own 'section' because your basically a first time heaven reject. Love the label they've got for me, well they don't have one, but I'm thinking about coming up with something that has a nice jingle to it. I'm like the plague up here though, you think people wouldn't be as prissy, but I guess old habits never die. Just like me not wanting to hang around there too long, and wanting to wander, invisible to anyone, the earth again. Some say I'm like a ghost, nah, they're souls wandering with purpose. I'm just wandering because I don't want to be without her, I want to be with her. Even though it occasionally makes me want to go back up to the big vampire resort in the sky, and on occasion I do, to get my hair re-done of course, I still tag alongside of her. Whispering as though she could hear me. If only she could. See, the first few weeks of me being down here, I thought I could be heard. So I yelled at her, hoping someone would hear me. I screamed in her ears and broke down in tears when I realized, I really was dead. Officially dead, not just undead anymore. I cried like a nancy little baby. Now I have to look back and laugh at how stupid I was. Never figured being dead meant not being able to communicate with that world anymore. Nope, I'm on my own plane of existence now, and as Nibblet would say, it royally sucks. God I miss talking to them, even the whelp, I mean, after losing Anya he doesn't seem to be that bad of a guy. Still can't believe that the three of them let bit hang out with the other kid getting a little to friendly there for my liking, but I guess things change. Like the big hole in the ground that I can stand up and proudly say I made. No more Sunnyhell, no more her, but at least no more Sunnyhell. God I miss her. If only she knew how much I still loved her, and wished I could hold her through those tough nights. If only she knew…
The damned 'powers that be' told me I'd get to talk to her once in a while. Well it's been ten bloody months and I haven't gotten a fucking thing from them. Bunch of lying screw ups if you ask me. Offering me the one thing I want, but not letting me have it, is that what this heaven business is really all about? If it is, I really wouldn't mind getting out and going back down to earth, but I guess that's a little late. God Buffy, how much I want to be with you, to hold you, to smell you just one more time. To tell you that what you said to me in the tunnels meant worlds to me, I just couldn't take it knowing I was going to lose you. You know I love you, damnit, if you only knew how much, and that I still do. Spike absently thought to himself as he sat in the shadows of her hotel room, just watching, unable to touch her or do anything for her. It made him angry beyond words that he could not be there for her when she needed someone the most. He wanted to cry with her, but he only watched as her petite frame racked as she sobbed into the pillow in a vain attempt to smother her tears. He watched until he couldn't take it anymore and lay on the bed beside her, watching his hands slip through very solid form. He just lay there watching her, tears welling up in his own eyes for the pain he caused her to go through, wishing he could make it stop. Wishing there was something more he could do, but there was nothing, because he was an 'other worldly being' and earth beings and 'other worldly beings' did not mix. The damned PTB forbade it and as much as he wanted to interact with her, could not bring himself to break yet another rule that they set up. It was all a test, sooner or later they would be joined somehow, he felt it, how he didn't know, he just figured there wasn't much more they could do to keep in his fuzzy feeling cage.