Disclaimer: The characters from Kareshi Kano No Jijou do not belong to me. I am just borrowing them for a bit and returning them

Author Note: Some of the perspectives reactions come from the Manga, however this brings in a more in depth thought of each character.  

Relationship: Tsubasa/Kazuma

Rating: PG-13

Growing Up!

By Starfire

When I first met him, I thought he was an ecchi a rock yaro since he had a skull necklace and his hair was spiky. It never occurred to me that this was his image and that he was one of the popular singers in the group called "Ying and Yang." I always felt alone and now my father wanted me to be family with the rock yaro named Kazumi and his mother.

I admit that I wasn't fair in my assessment of him; after all, it was unusual for me to see a person dress so radical. I suppose I first started to fall in love with him when he punched out a major ecchi hentai man who wanted to pay me to go with him. Like I was that stupid and besides the man was beginning to make me mad, after all what sort of individual does he takes me to be? I am not a slut.

I think that was when I started to realize my feelings for him. I found it amazing that anyone would do such a thing for me. I mean, I always protected myself or Arima helped me out.

Confused. I wasn't sure how I felt for Arima anymore. I had always wanted him to play with me, be with me. I sacrificed my time in order to study so that I could be with him. However he was something that I never expected, he was lonely just like me. We both are used to being alone and yet we cope in different ways. Me, with my childish behavior; Kazuma with his love for music. A way we can drift away from our troubles and worries.

We were the same and yet we are different. Kazumi never did treat me like a kid; he treated me as how he felt he should. Different compared to everyone else, a wonder to those who expected me to be a cute little kid.  I never did change my outlook in order to make my father happy; after all, I was his baby, not to mention I wanted to retain the outlook that I would always be his baby. Of course, this restricted me from what I truly was, a mature woman, even if I didn't want to grow up.

You see most of the men in my life have left me. They never choose me and stick around. Arima left me to go with Yukino, my father went with Kazuma's mother. So where does that leave me? Nowhere. I want someone to choose me for me. I want them to want me enough to stay with me. I didn't want them to leave me for other things.

My heart bled, my mind hurt, and I didn't feel hungry when Kazuma left me. Did I do something wrong? That thought kept on running through me as I saw him walk away from me telling me that he was to busy for me. I miss him. I am scared. Not because of the loneliness. No I live with that, I am more afraid of never ever being with Kazuma again. That is why I don't feel like eating, or even doing much, depression, anxiety, and fear. These flood my entire being, for I cannot live without, and that is what scares me more. Being forgotten, as the one that I love goes for the other love in his life 'music.'

I want him back home again. I want to see him and feel his arms surround me. The one I loved took care of me and cherished me, even though at the time I thought we were siblings, but lately that has seemed to change. I felt myself change. I was always driven by animal instinct to seek out something stable. My father wasn't exactly a good source of stability, but he was all I had. Sakura was another and that is probably why I cling to her. I grew up without a mother; she had died early when I was born. I heard from Papa that she was beautiful like me, that I had her figure, and her structure.  However, even those little words made me wonder if I was even worth anything when I was left alone to deal with things. I always shied away from strangers, they were something new and I never liked the new or the unknown. People see how cute I am and they want to touch me as if I was a special doll. I am none of those things. I am flesh, and blood, clear, and simple.

I never wanted to grow up, just like the character 'Peter Pan', because the thought of being able to freezing time and never letting it dwindle away from me gave me the idea that I never had to grow up. For I fear that things would change and I would never see those that I truly cherish deeply. After all Peter had the Lost Boys, Indians, and Captain Hook. They were with him forever, never leaving him, always bringing a new trend and adventure to the boy that refused to become an adult. I guess that sounds like another rabbit hole and that the White Rabbit continues to run down into it. And maybe it is.

I know that I can't stay in this looking glass world forever, that I need to grow up and wake up from the deep slumber. That freezes me in time, yet time goes on around me. I wanted to freeze Kazuma just like Peter Pan tried to do to Wendy, but even that is impossible, for Wendy left and soon enough Kazuma will too. Kazuma is becoming more like a man; he is growing up faster, and me, I can't follow.

My heart bleeds even more as I walk away from the large image of Kazuma. It was a shock and I felt like a part of me died as those gentle eyes stared down at me from the screen, showing me his pain, sorrow and desperation. I didn't realize then that I was the cause of his desperation. He came to see me of course, at the hospital I was assigned too. I woke up and like that, I felt like an Angel was watching over me. When I saw him, I kept on screaming his name crying for him to finally come back.

I even begged him not to leave me again, for I knew that if he left me once again that I would not be able to live. Especially if he came to tell me that he hated me and didn't want to see me anymore. I was surprised actually; I was shocked to discover that he left me not because he hated me. No, Kazuma told me that he loved me and at that my heart seemed to have frozen in shock. I couldn't accept this fact, I thought he was playing with me tantalizing me with some dessert and swiping it away again. After all Arima left, Papa left, what else was there for me?

I tried to ask him instead to stay with me if he was done singing with his band so that we would be together forever. I wince at those words now. Even the inner me thought it was a bad excuse for why I wanted him, even he knew it.  He told me he expected such an answer and I tremble thinking about the next words that flew from those lips, 'so, how about a kiss?' That threw me off guard and he knew it, but I could feel the sadness and the lust, the pure love in those eyes. I felt how his hands were placed on my head as he drew me nearer and it still makes me tingle at the memory. How close our lips were to touching each other. It runs shivers through me still. Yet I shied away from him for I feared the unknown and that he would leave me like the others did.

Instead of being angry with me, for rejecting his gift to me. He told me that he still loved me and that he knew that I was scared. Kazuma was always one to be able see the real me. Not too many people did see why I behaved the way I did, but he did. He wanted a real kiss, something that would symbolize our growing up. Something to show that I was leaving the world I created to stay young. Instead of the kiss on the thimble, that still signifies innocence, and still being children, he wanted me to grow up to be with him. Yet, I didn't want to accept that yet, I didn't want to lose my world, my looking glass, and the place where Neverland existed.

I glanced up to see him whisper in agony that he would wait for me no matter how long it took. However, the one thing that tore me away from my world into his was when he said, "Tsubasa can you even try to love me part of the way? Can you even try to love me more then the siblings that you think us to be?" I felt myself break apart as I watched the tears trickle down from those beautiful and expressive eyes and onto his cheeks. Pain, hurt, hope, anxiety, fear, and Love.  I woke up later on, the scent of Kazuma's tears still fresh in my memory, the touch of his hand, and the hurt I felt from him still coming to me. I don't want him to hurt anymore, and for that I will try to get better.

My new mother came in to bring me a tray of food; she wanted me to eat, even though I didn't feel like touching the stuff. I struggled to force it down my throat. After all, I hurt Kazuma, and I don't want him to hurt anymore. Especially knowing that I am the first thing that matters in his life. I don't want to hurt him anymore with me being sick. For that reason alone I felt myself maturing and forgetting my selfish wanting to cling to childhood forever. At last, I finally decided to grow up, and maybe just maybe I can be with Kazuma finally.