January 2, 1975
Dear diary,
I woke up this morning and I remembered all about what happened yesterday. I am not speaking to James, and Anise is angry at me because I will not tell her what is wrong. All I can remember is James' kiss, and how elated I was, until he declared it to be a mistake. I also remember slapping him, and now I don't feel like he completely deserved to be slapped. I remember the feeling of his hands in my hair, and his lips on mine. When he kissed me I felt like everything was right, and I felt beautiful and desirable, even though I know I am neither. I am longing for James now more than before, and there is nothing that I can do about it.
I am contemplating apologizing to James, and trying to get back on good terms, but he is stubborn, and I doubt he will have forgiven me for slapping him. I am going downstairs to the common room, maybe he will be there.
LATER:
Downstairs I found James, he was sitting on a sofa alone reading a book about Quidditch. I sat down beside him, and tentatively laid my hand on his shoulder. When he recognized me he turned away with a scowl.
"James, please listen to me," I begged him.
He gave me the silence treatment, but I still spoke to him.
"I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have slapped you, you didn't deserve it."
James was still refusing to acknowledge my presence.
"James why can't my apology be good enough for you? You're so stubborn and you can't forgive me, even though it wasn't entirely my fault!"
My temper was rising when he finally turned to face me. "What did I do that was my fault?"
"You kissed me James. I thought you wanted me back, and you killed my last flickering hope that you did return my feelings with your reaction to our kiss."
"What kiss are you talking about Lily?"
I clasped his wrist in my hand. "Do not pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about James."
"Well it was your fault, you wouldn't undo that spell unless we kissed."
"James, you can't hide the truth behind that."
"But the only reason I kissed you was to get back the use of my hand and it worked."
"You arrogant prat!!!" I shouted, and then I started to sob. I felt someone's arms snake themselves over my shoulders, and I heard a reproving voice.
"James, why do you always have to make her cry?"
I turned around, and I was in Sirius' arms.
"James. You're making her miserable!" he snapped at him.
James stood up and walked over to us.
"Well maybe if she didn't fancy me it wouldn't be so easy. It's impossible to even be her friend anymore, because she wants more than I can ever give her!"
"Are you suggesting that we stop being friends?" I asked him.
"Yes Lily! Yes!"
I then tore myself out of Sirius' arms and glared up into James' face. "So you don't even value me as a friend. After all the years we've been together, and you don't even value me as a friend!"
I turned and ran out into the hall. I sat down by the portrait of the fat lady and continued to cry. I suddenly felt someone's hands on my shoulders. Then I felt myself being pulled backwards until I was leaning against their chest.
"Lily?"
I pulled away the second I recognized the voice. James had followed me.
"Stop it James! Just go away!" I snapped.
"Lily you need to understand something. I know why I kissed you."
"It doesn't matter James, it doesn't matter. Our friendship was doomed from the start."
"Don't you dare say that!" He tried to wrap his arm around my waist, but I pulled myself out of his reach.
"It's true James. I wish it wasn't, but it's true."
"Lily." he gulped. "I think that I might feel something for you too, I'm just scared Lils. I am really scared."
I turned to face him, and I took his hand in mine. "And you think that I'm not?"
"I don't know Lily. I just don't want to lose you. If we broke up we couldn't be friends again."
I sighed. "James, we haven't exactly been friends since I confessed how I feel about you."
"When you looked at me that night I felt like I was in heaven. You had never looked at me in that way before, and when you did, I felt like I had died and been born again," he confessed. "The only thing I could think of to do was to kiss you. It scared me, because I have never needed anyone before, not like I needed you."
I then cradled his face in my hands. I gazed into his lovely blue eyes, and I stepped closer to him. "James. I need you too, and it scares me too, but at the same time, I know if I don't do anything about it, it will be the greatest mistake of my life." His hands slipped around my waist and I felt my breath quickening in anticipation. My gaze fell to his lips, and I gasped, imagining how wonderful they would feel on my skin. His eyes were smoldering in desire for me, and I knew that my own eyes must have mirrored his. "James."
"No more talking," he murmured huskily. I closed my eyes, and I felt his soft lips caressing mine. I began to grow weak as his tongue traced my lips urging them to part. The moment they did his tongue entered my mouth, and then I felt his hand running up my spine, and his fingers curled around my nape. I moaned, and then I pulled away for air. The second I did his mouth met my neck, and trailed down to my collarbone. I leaned back slightly, longing for more. As he kissed me his hand began to caress my nape, I shivered in delight, and his other arm tightened around my waist drawing me closer to him. He then returned his lips to mine and I kissed him hungrily. I pulled away finally, and I gasped. "James? We really do need to talk."
He backed away a bit, but he did not release me. "Lily. I'm sorry I didn't tell you until now."
"No James, it's fine." I leaned my forehead on his chest, and his fingers began to caress my nape again. "Stop it, you are making me so weak James, and we really do need to talk."
He laughed quietly. "I understand perfectly," and he dropped his hand. It landed on my waist and I felt safe in the circle of his arms.
"James, thank you."
"For what?"
"For loving me back." I murmured. Then he asked me if I would go out with him. I was so unbelievably happy. I have never been that happy in my life. I am glad that I revealed to James how I truly felt about him. The last few days have been awful, but today has really made enduring them very worthwhile. I am going to go tell Anise what has happened. She will be so proud, after all she did predict that James and I would be a couple before December ended. Her prediction nearly came true.
Love, Lils
Dear diary,
I woke up this morning and I remembered all about what happened yesterday. I am not speaking to James, and Anise is angry at me because I will not tell her what is wrong. All I can remember is James' kiss, and how elated I was, until he declared it to be a mistake. I also remember slapping him, and now I don't feel like he completely deserved to be slapped. I remember the feeling of his hands in my hair, and his lips on mine. When he kissed me I felt like everything was right, and I felt beautiful and desirable, even though I know I am neither. I am longing for James now more than before, and there is nothing that I can do about it.
I am contemplating apologizing to James, and trying to get back on good terms, but he is stubborn, and I doubt he will have forgiven me for slapping him. I am going downstairs to the common room, maybe he will be there.
LATER:
Downstairs I found James, he was sitting on a sofa alone reading a book about Quidditch. I sat down beside him, and tentatively laid my hand on his shoulder. When he recognized me he turned away with a scowl.
"James, please listen to me," I begged him.
He gave me the silence treatment, but I still spoke to him.
"I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have slapped you, you didn't deserve it."
James was still refusing to acknowledge my presence.
"James why can't my apology be good enough for you? You're so stubborn and you can't forgive me, even though it wasn't entirely my fault!"
My temper was rising when he finally turned to face me. "What did I do that was my fault?"
"You kissed me James. I thought you wanted me back, and you killed my last flickering hope that you did return my feelings with your reaction to our kiss."
"What kiss are you talking about Lily?"
I clasped his wrist in my hand. "Do not pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about James."
"Well it was your fault, you wouldn't undo that spell unless we kissed."
"James, you can't hide the truth behind that."
"But the only reason I kissed you was to get back the use of my hand and it worked."
"You arrogant prat!!!" I shouted, and then I started to sob. I felt someone's arms snake themselves over my shoulders, and I heard a reproving voice.
"James, why do you always have to make her cry?"
I turned around, and I was in Sirius' arms.
"James. You're making her miserable!" he snapped at him.
James stood up and walked over to us.
"Well maybe if she didn't fancy me it wouldn't be so easy. It's impossible to even be her friend anymore, because she wants more than I can ever give her!"
"Are you suggesting that we stop being friends?" I asked him.
"Yes Lily! Yes!"
I then tore myself out of Sirius' arms and glared up into James' face. "So you don't even value me as a friend. After all the years we've been together, and you don't even value me as a friend!"
I turned and ran out into the hall. I sat down by the portrait of the fat lady and continued to cry. I suddenly felt someone's hands on my shoulders. Then I felt myself being pulled backwards until I was leaning against their chest.
"Lily?"
I pulled away the second I recognized the voice. James had followed me.
"Stop it James! Just go away!" I snapped.
"Lily you need to understand something. I know why I kissed you."
"It doesn't matter James, it doesn't matter. Our friendship was doomed from the start."
"Don't you dare say that!" He tried to wrap his arm around my waist, but I pulled myself out of his reach.
"It's true James. I wish it wasn't, but it's true."
"Lily." he gulped. "I think that I might feel something for you too, I'm just scared Lils. I am really scared."
I turned to face him, and I took his hand in mine. "And you think that I'm not?"
"I don't know Lily. I just don't want to lose you. If we broke up we couldn't be friends again."
I sighed. "James, we haven't exactly been friends since I confessed how I feel about you."
"When you looked at me that night I felt like I was in heaven. You had never looked at me in that way before, and when you did, I felt like I had died and been born again," he confessed. "The only thing I could think of to do was to kiss you. It scared me, because I have never needed anyone before, not like I needed you."
I then cradled his face in my hands. I gazed into his lovely blue eyes, and I stepped closer to him. "James. I need you too, and it scares me too, but at the same time, I know if I don't do anything about it, it will be the greatest mistake of my life." His hands slipped around my waist and I felt my breath quickening in anticipation. My gaze fell to his lips, and I gasped, imagining how wonderful they would feel on my skin. His eyes were smoldering in desire for me, and I knew that my own eyes must have mirrored his. "James."
"No more talking," he murmured huskily. I closed my eyes, and I felt his soft lips caressing mine. I began to grow weak as his tongue traced my lips urging them to part. The moment they did his tongue entered my mouth, and then I felt his hand running up my spine, and his fingers curled around my nape. I moaned, and then I pulled away for air. The second I did his mouth met my neck, and trailed down to my collarbone. I leaned back slightly, longing for more. As he kissed me his hand began to caress my nape, I shivered in delight, and his other arm tightened around my waist drawing me closer to him. He then returned his lips to mine and I kissed him hungrily. I pulled away finally, and I gasped. "James? We really do need to talk."
He backed away a bit, but he did not release me. "Lily. I'm sorry I didn't tell you until now."
"No James, it's fine." I leaned my forehead on his chest, and his fingers began to caress my nape again. "Stop it, you are making me so weak James, and we really do need to talk."
He laughed quietly. "I understand perfectly," and he dropped his hand. It landed on my waist and I felt safe in the circle of his arms.
"James, thank you."
"For what?"
"For loving me back." I murmured. Then he asked me if I would go out with him. I was so unbelievably happy. I have never been that happy in my life. I am glad that I revealed to James how I truly felt about him. The last few days have been awful, but today has really made enduring them very worthwhile. I am going to go tell Anise what has happened. She will be so proud, after all she did predict that James and I would be a couple before December ended. Her prediction nearly came true.
Love, Lils