Maybe We Were Better Off Not Knowing

"You stole this tablet?" Xavier blinked at General Whithalf. "But why? What's so special about it?"

"Supposedly it describes some kind of ancient power," Hawk said. "But we don't know exactly what."

"And Cobra wanted it for itself," Hank concluded.

"Yeah we learned that Cobra was planning to steal the tablet this afternoon at the museum," General Whithalf told them. "They hired the Dreadnoks to attack and steal it during the exhibition."

"So you decided to steal it first," Hank finished. "But why didn't you simply ask…"

"Uh we did," Hawk grimaced. "But you see the current director used to work in Boston. He was kind of in charge of the Historical Antiquities there. He's still miffed at GI Joe."

"Why?" Xavier asked.

"Because we 'borrowed' the U.S.S. Constitution for a mission," Hawk told him. "It's a long story."

"You…stole the U.S.S. Constitution?" Xavier looked at him.

"Borrowed," Spirit told him. "We brought it right back after the battle."

"Battle?" Hank asked. "What…?"

"It's a long story," Hawk sighed.

"So what does the tablet say?" Hank asked.

"No one knows," General Whithalf. "It's written in an obscure Greek dialect."

"In other words it's unreadable," Xavier said.

"Well actually there is one person alive who can read it," Hawk grimaced. "And I think we have time to catch him."

"What is he going out of town?" Hank asked.

"No…he has a benefit this afternoon," Hawk sighed.

************************************************************************

"Hawk darling I am so glad you dropped by!" A man wearing a very strange costume greeted them. It was gold and shimmering. The top half had gold snakes on his shoulders and had a snake shaped cowl surrounding his head. The second part of the outfit was a long skirt with a high slit.

"Serpentor," Hawk tried hard to keep a straight face. "It's good to see you."

"It wasn't always the case, right Hawk?" Serpentor laughed. "At least that was true of my predecessor." He then noticed Hank and Xavier. "Oh hello there! We've never met have we? I'm Serpentor II."

"I'm Charles Xavier and this is Hank McCoy," Xavier nodded. "Wait a minute…Serpentor? As in the Cobra Emperor?"

"Former Cobra Emperor," Serpentor told him. "Well actually the first me was that. Very anal-retentive. Had no sense of humor whatsoever. Come on in!"

They went inside the dressing room. It was covered in lavish gold plated furniture and had royal purple trappings. "This is Stephan, my personal assistant," Serpentor waved at a swarthy young man with traces of Latin ancestry.

"Pleasure to meet you," He spoke with a smooth Spanish accent.

"Likewise," Xavier looked around the room.

"You see the first me was created to run Cobra out of all the dead leaders of the past," Serpentor explained as he sat down on a glittering gold chair. "However he well, let's just say he needed to work on his people skills. Got bumped off. Dr. Mindbender decided to try a second time. However this time he recruited the Dreadnoks behind Zartan's back. They accidentally added a few other individuals. Famous actors and a director or two. Well their personalities and memories mingled with the original."

"Like who?" Hank asked.

"Oh lots of people," Serpentor waved. "Liberache, Ed Wood, Marilyn Monroe, a chorus boy named Fifi…"

"I get the picture," Xavier winced.

"Long story short I decided that I would be much happier as an entertainer than an emperor," Serpentor said. "Oh yes there are still the long tedious hours. And I still get frustrated, but I have never in all my previous incarnations been so happy or personally fulfilled. Well maybe the exception of Fifi during that trip to Cancun but you get the idea."

"Serpentor we called you because we need your help," General Whithalf showed him the tablet. "Can you translate this for us?"

"Hmmm," Serpentor looked it over. "Yes this does seem familiar. I think I do remember this."

"Darling!" There was a knock at the stage door. "You're on in five minutes!"

"Be right there love!" Serpentor called out. "Oh I'm sorry. I'll have to do this after my performance. Why don't you all stay and see the show? I can get you front row seats!" He handed the tablet to Hawk.

"Really we don't want to cause any trouble," Xavier tried to keep his voice even.

"Oh it's no trouble at all!" Serpentor waved. "Stephan make sure they have the best seats in the house!"

"Splendid!" Whithalf smiled. "I'd love to see the show!"

"You would," Xavier groaned under his breath.

Soon they were seated at a table in a huge cabaret style room. Several people were also in the audience. "What benefit is this again?" Hawk looked around.

"The National Committee of Cross Dressers of America," Xavier moaned.

"Well I wanted to see the sights during this trip," Hank said. "This isn't however what I had in mind."

"And now, the Copacabana Room proudly presents…SERPENTOR II!" The Announcer called out to a rousing chorus of cheers. Serpentor came out riding a huge litter carried by four muscular barely clad men.

"Everyone must party! THIS I COMMAND!" He shouted. This was apparently his signature catch phrase because that was the audience's cute to holler and go wild. "Before I begin I'd like to say a special hello to some new friends of mine!"

"Oh no…" Xavier felt himself blushing. "No…don't…"

"Put your hands together for Professor Charles Xavier and Hank McCoy! This I command!" The spotlight fell on Xavier and Hank as the crowd cheered.

"Hi there!" Hank waved happily.

"Hank…" Xavier pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes.

"Oh come on Charles we might as well get into the spirit of the place!" Hank grinned.

"You really are a ham aren't you?" Xavier groaned.

"A kiss on the hand may be quite continental but diamonds are a girl's best friend!" Serpentor sang. He danced around with his cast as he performed and even threw a feather boa at Xavier.

If there is a god in heaven…Xavier thought to himself. Get me out of this nightmare! He looked over and saw Hank idly playing with the feather boa. Before Hank goes completely out of his mind!

That was when the sound of motorcycles sounded through the room. The Dreadnoks burst in through the stage. "THIS IS NOT IN THE SCRIPT!" Serpentor shouted as people fled the attack of the crazed bikers.

Before anyone could stop him, Zartan zoomed his bike to the table and grabbed General Whithalf. "Come on gramps! We're going for a little ride!" He laughed as he and the Dreadnoks made their getaway.

"I always thought those Dreadnoks were uncouth!" Serpentor stomped his foot. "And just when I was ready for my big number too!"

"They've kidnapped General Whithalf!" Hawk shouted. "After them!" The Joes went off after them.

"We've got to help!" Hank shouted.

"You're right! Stephan! Cancel my facial!" Serpentor shouted. "Get the Serpentmobile! We're going after them! Nobody kidnaps a member of my audience and gets away with it!"

"Uh actually I think he meant…" Xavier started to say, but was interrupted by Serpentor grabbing his chair and taking off after them.

"Oh goody!" Stephan clapped his hands. "This is so exciting! We're going on a chase!"

"Oh god…" Xavier groaned.

As you can tell, I never liked Serpentor. Killing him off and then replacing him with a clone that was a cross dresser is my idea! (See Cobrathon 2: The Musical for all the details.) So where will our group end up? You tell me! Come on people I need a good chase scene! So it's up to you to send in those ideas! The faster you send in those reviews, the faster the next chapter will come up!

Xavier: You are totally insane, you know that?