Title: Back to You- chapter 5
Disclaimer: Life would be so cool if I owned the characters from Third
Watch, but alas, I don't.
Jimmy had put Joey to bed as soon as they walked in the door. With all the excitement that night he had been exhausted an fallen asleep on the way. Jimmy was still unsure about how to act around Kim. She was so clearly terrified, but wouldn't or couldn't ask for help. Tonight was the first time he had gotten a good look at her in a while, and he noticed how much weight she really had lost. More than anything he wanted to help her and protect her, but he had no idea how.
Jimmy entered the living room to find Kim sitting on the couch with her legs tucked under her and her hands rubbing her temples, trying to release some tension. "Hey. How are you?" he asked concerned.
Kim looked at him through sleepy eyes, "Is he asleep?" she asked, trying to get him to leave her alone.
Jimmy noticed the dodge and sighed, "Yeah Kim, he's fine." Jimmy took a seat across from her on the coffee table, "Are you gonna avoid me forever?" he asked softly.
Kim looked down and laughed nervously, "I'm not avoiding you."
"Kim, I see you everyday and you never talk to me. I can't even get you to look at me. Look, you have every right to hate me, but you have to believe that I want to help you," he pleaded with her.
"Hate you? Why would I hate you?" Kim asked with confusion.
"If it wasn't for me, none of this would have ever happened," he said, looking away from her.
Kim moved to the edge of the couch and put her hand under his chin, forcing him to look at her, "What on earth are you talking about? None of this is your fault."
Jimmy laughed humorlessly, "Yeah, right. If I hadn't pushed you that night we went out to dinner, than you wouldn't have left alone. You wouldn't have ran into that guy. None of this would have happened." He was having a seriously hard time keeping his emotions under control, but he didn't want Kim's sympathy. He didn't deserve it.
Kim took his hands in hers and stroked them lightly. Having these heart to hearts was never an easy thing for Jimmy. Very seldom could you ever tell what he was actually feeling. He always resorted to being the macho, player type, always the dog in front of the guys. But she knew better, she was married to the guy after all. "Is that really what you think?" she asked softly.
"I'll never forgive myself for this. If I had just left it alone..," he trailed off.
"Jimmy, this was not your fault. You offered to drive me home and I said no."
"If I hadn't acted like such an ass, you wouldn't have said no."
Kim smiled, "Eh. I'm used to it by now," she teased.
Jimmy laughed, "I'm still sorry." He paused for a while hesitating to go on, but he had to say something. "I know you act like you're alright, but I can tell you're still scared," he said, gently rubbing his thumbs over her hands.
Kim's smile faded. For a moment she was actually comfortable, for once focusing on someone else's problems, but now the attention was back on her, and Jimmy had that look on his face again. The one that she used to see when they were married and she was having a hard time. The look that said he wanted to protect her and take care of her. The look that she absolutely could not handle right now. Kim pulled her hands away and nervously tucked some hair behind her ear. "Where do you want me to sleep? I'm getting pretty tired and we have to work tomorrow."
Jimmy just stared at her, "You shouldn't go to work tomorrow. Why don't you stay home with Joey and get some rest?" Jimmy was fighting the urge to loose it. Every time he thought he was getting through to her, she freaked out and pushed him away further.
"I don't need to rest. I'll take Joey over to my mom's place before work."
Jimmy sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "So you're just gonna dodge me forever? Kim, you need to talk to someone. Keeping it all inside isn't good for you."
Kim stood up fast, "Don't you tell me what's good for me! You're Joey's dad, not mine. I know how to take care of myself and I don't need you telling me what to do. I'm tired of you and everyone else looking at me like that!" Kim was breathing hard and she was shaking, unable to control her emotions.
Jimmy looked up at her, "Looking at you like what?" he asked calmly, his heart breaking at the sight before him.
"Like I'm gonna break, like I'm the saddest thing you've ever seen," she continued to shake, though her voice was more quiet.
"Kim, I'm just worried about you, and so is everyone else. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you don't talk and I'm just afraid for you!" Jimmy tried to make her see.
Kim stayed quiet but looked at him with fear and hurt in her eyes, "You think I'm gonna hurt myself again, don't you?" she asked quietly. Jimmy didn't say anything, but held her gaze. "You think I'm gonna hurt myself and you're gonna try and take Joey away from me again."
Jimmy shook his head and tried to move closer to her, but she backed away, "Kim, I'm not going to take Joey away from you."
"Is that what you think though? That I'll try and kill myself again?" she asked softly, the fight leaving her exhausted. Jimmy remained silent. "Is that what you think?" she asked again.
"Kim, I want to help you and-" Jimmy was cut off by her retreating form. Jimmy grabbed her arm and forced her to look at him, "Where are you going?"
Kim pulled her arm away, "I'll go to my mom's tonight. I can't be here. Make sure to drop Joey off in the morning." She turned and reached for the door.
"Kim, please. Please don't go. It's late," Jimmy begged.
"I'll be fine," she said, not turning around, making her way outside.
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After not getting any sleep at all the night before, Jimmy got up and went to call Kim at Katherine's. He hoped she might have gotten some sleep and was feeling a little better. At least not like she wanted to kill him anyways.
"Hello," answered Kim's mom.
"Morning Katherine. Can I talk to Kim?"
"Kim isn't here, Jimmy."
Jimmy stopped for a minute and tried to push down the panic that was rising inside. "Kim said that she was going to stay with you last night. Someone was pounding at their door last night and I went over and picked them up. Joey is still asleep here, but Kim and I had an argument and she said she was gonna go and stay with you."
"I know what happened. She called me early in the morning and asked me to tell you that she was staying with me. I wanted her to come, but she said she wanted to be alone."
"Where is she then?" Jimmy didn't understand why Kim would ask her mom to lie to him.
"She went home. Look Jimmy, she sounded really bad last night. She wouldn't say anything, but I could tell there was something wrong. I think she's still scared."
"I'll call in sick. Would you mind watching Joey today?"
"Of course not. What are you gonna do though? I doubt Kim wants to see you right now."
"She doesn't have a choice."
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Kim was sitting on the couch in front of the t.v. Almost every light in the apartment was on, it was the only way she felt safe now. She was wrapped in a blanket, but all night she had been shaking. She wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from something else, but knew she didn't want to examine it too closely. Suddenly she started crying. How long could she go on like this? Last night was crossing a boundary. She wasn't just scaring herself, she was scaring her son. She knew Joey was worried about her all the time and that didn't make her feel any better. He was just a kid, he shouldn't have to worry about his mother. Maybe he would be better off staying with Jimmy for a while. Just until she got herself back together again. That thought made her cry even harder. She heard a knock at the door and her heart started to race and her breathing sped up. Kim got up, shaking harder and walked to the door. It registered in her mind that whoever was knocking wasn't intent on trying to break her door down like the guy had been last night.
"Kim? Kim are you still home?" Jimmy called out gently, not wanting to startle her.
Kim let out a huge breath and opened the door, "What are you doing here?" she asked, trying to slow down her breathing.
"What are you doing here?" he repeated the question. Kim looked down and pulled at the hem of her shirt. "You told me you were going over to your mom's."
"I did," she lied, "I came back here not to long ago to get ready for work."
Jimmy closed his eyes, forcing himself to stay calm, "I called your mom's this morning and she said you asked her to tell me you were there. Why are you lying to me?"
Kim backed up a few steps, "I knew if I told you last night that I was going to come home, you would have made a big deal about it."
Jimmy hardly heard her answer, he was too busy taking in her appearance. She was shaking, her eyes were red, and there were tears rolling out of her eyes. He had come here with the intention of yelling at her, but just looking at her made him want to cry too. He took a couple steps towards her, noticing she was trying to inch away from him. "I'm not gonna hurt you," he reassured her. She stopped moving, but stared at her feet. Jimmy cupped the side of her face with one hand and brushed the tears away with his thumb. He did the same with the other side and gently raised her head, "Did you sleep at all last night?" he asked softly.
"No," she whispered in a hoarse voice.
Jimmy continued to gently caress her cheeks with his thumbs, noticing that it seemed to calm her. She was still shaking, but not as bad. "Me either." She moved a little closer to him, still nervously playing with the hem of her shirt. "Are you still insisting on going to work today?"
"I think I'm too tired," she whispered.
Jimmy looked around, "It's no wonder you didn't sleep. It's brighter than the surface of the sun in here," he frowned looking at all the lights. "There's going to be an electricity shortage in New York if we don't turn some lights off."
Kim smiled and finally looked at him, "It makes me feel better," she confessed.
"Would it make you feel any better if I stayed with you?" he asked, hoping that suggestion wouldn't piss her off.
Kim started to cry again, "I hate being like this."
Jimmy slowly pulled her into his arms, giving her the opportunity to pull away, but she didn't. She wrapped her shaking arms around his waist and buried her face into his chest. Jimmy sighed with relief, finally she was letting him in. "I know, baby. I know." They continued to stand there and hold each other like that for a long time. He began to feel Kim's body sagging against his. "Why don't I put you to bed, huh?"
Kim pulled away slightly and looked at her room, "I haven't slept in there since I was attacked."
"I don't think you've slept at all." Kim turned and looked at him. "I mean, you look like you haven't slept in ages."
"Oh, gee. Thanks. You really know how to make a girl feel special," she smirked.
"Where you planning on going with those bags? Japan?" he smiled.
"Jimmy!" she pushed him away and laughed.
They became serious again and Jimmy went around the apartment turning off all the lights. It was daytime, so the apartment wasn't dark, but it still made her nervous. Jimmy took her hand and led her into her bedroom. He felt her start to shake again. "So, when do you get off work tonight?" she asked, not wanting to be alone.
"I called in sick," he said. Jimmy moved closer to her and looked her in the eyes. "I'm not going anywhere, Kim."
Kim unzipped his jacket and slid it off his big shoulders. Jimmy raised his eyebrows in surprise, but didn't protest. He slipped his hands around her waist, "This isn't exactly what I had in mind, but I'm open to suggestion," he smiled.
Kim rolled her eyes, but he saw the hint of a smile. She looked up at him, "Will you stay with me?"
He brushed some hair out of her face, "Of course."
Kim looked down briefly, "I didn't mean like."
"I know what you meant," Jimmy smiled.
Kim crawled into bed and reached a hand out to pull him in. Jimmy quickly kicked off his shoes and slid in beside her, not quite knowing what she wanted him to do. Kim waited for him to lay down and curled up into his side, her head resting on his chest, her arm around his waist. Jimmy smiled and wrapped his arm around her, "Just sleep, Kimmy. I'll be here when you wake up." Jimmy knew she hadn't heard a word he said because she was already fast asleep. He kissed her head and drifted into sleep himself.
Jimmy had put Joey to bed as soon as they walked in the door. With all the excitement that night he had been exhausted an fallen asleep on the way. Jimmy was still unsure about how to act around Kim. She was so clearly terrified, but wouldn't or couldn't ask for help. Tonight was the first time he had gotten a good look at her in a while, and he noticed how much weight she really had lost. More than anything he wanted to help her and protect her, but he had no idea how.
Jimmy entered the living room to find Kim sitting on the couch with her legs tucked under her and her hands rubbing her temples, trying to release some tension. "Hey. How are you?" he asked concerned.
Kim looked at him through sleepy eyes, "Is he asleep?" she asked, trying to get him to leave her alone.
Jimmy noticed the dodge and sighed, "Yeah Kim, he's fine." Jimmy took a seat across from her on the coffee table, "Are you gonna avoid me forever?" he asked softly.
Kim looked down and laughed nervously, "I'm not avoiding you."
"Kim, I see you everyday and you never talk to me. I can't even get you to look at me. Look, you have every right to hate me, but you have to believe that I want to help you," he pleaded with her.
"Hate you? Why would I hate you?" Kim asked with confusion.
"If it wasn't for me, none of this would have ever happened," he said, looking away from her.
Kim moved to the edge of the couch and put her hand under his chin, forcing him to look at her, "What on earth are you talking about? None of this is your fault."
Jimmy laughed humorlessly, "Yeah, right. If I hadn't pushed you that night we went out to dinner, than you wouldn't have left alone. You wouldn't have ran into that guy. None of this would have happened." He was having a seriously hard time keeping his emotions under control, but he didn't want Kim's sympathy. He didn't deserve it.
Kim took his hands in hers and stroked them lightly. Having these heart to hearts was never an easy thing for Jimmy. Very seldom could you ever tell what he was actually feeling. He always resorted to being the macho, player type, always the dog in front of the guys. But she knew better, she was married to the guy after all. "Is that really what you think?" she asked softly.
"I'll never forgive myself for this. If I had just left it alone..," he trailed off.
"Jimmy, this was not your fault. You offered to drive me home and I said no."
"If I hadn't acted like such an ass, you wouldn't have said no."
Kim smiled, "Eh. I'm used to it by now," she teased.
Jimmy laughed, "I'm still sorry." He paused for a while hesitating to go on, but he had to say something. "I know you act like you're alright, but I can tell you're still scared," he said, gently rubbing his thumbs over her hands.
Kim's smile faded. For a moment she was actually comfortable, for once focusing on someone else's problems, but now the attention was back on her, and Jimmy had that look on his face again. The one that she used to see when they were married and she was having a hard time. The look that said he wanted to protect her and take care of her. The look that she absolutely could not handle right now. Kim pulled her hands away and nervously tucked some hair behind her ear. "Where do you want me to sleep? I'm getting pretty tired and we have to work tomorrow."
Jimmy just stared at her, "You shouldn't go to work tomorrow. Why don't you stay home with Joey and get some rest?" Jimmy was fighting the urge to loose it. Every time he thought he was getting through to her, she freaked out and pushed him away further.
"I don't need to rest. I'll take Joey over to my mom's place before work."
Jimmy sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "So you're just gonna dodge me forever? Kim, you need to talk to someone. Keeping it all inside isn't good for you."
Kim stood up fast, "Don't you tell me what's good for me! You're Joey's dad, not mine. I know how to take care of myself and I don't need you telling me what to do. I'm tired of you and everyone else looking at me like that!" Kim was breathing hard and she was shaking, unable to control her emotions.
Jimmy looked up at her, "Looking at you like what?" he asked calmly, his heart breaking at the sight before him.
"Like I'm gonna break, like I'm the saddest thing you've ever seen," she continued to shake, though her voice was more quiet.
"Kim, I'm just worried about you, and so is everyone else. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you don't talk and I'm just afraid for you!" Jimmy tried to make her see.
Kim stayed quiet but looked at him with fear and hurt in her eyes, "You think I'm gonna hurt myself again, don't you?" she asked quietly. Jimmy didn't say anything, but held her gaze. "You think I'm gonna hurt myself and you're gonna try and take Joey away from me again."
Jimmy shook his head and tried to move closer to her, but she backed away, "Kim, I'm not going to take Joey away from you."
"Is that what you think though? That I'll try and kill myself again?" she asked softly, the fight leaving her exhausted. Jimmy remained silent. "Is that what you think?" she asked again.
"Kim, I want to help you and-" Jimmy was cut off by her retreating form. Jimmy grabbed her arm and forced her to look at him, "Where are you going?"
Kim pulled her arm away, "I'll go to my mom's tonight. I can't be here. Make sure to drop Joey off in the morning." She turned and reached for the door.
"Kim, please. Please don't go. It's late," Jimmy begged.
"I'll be fine," she said, not turning around, making her way outside.
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After not getting any sleep at all the night before, Jimmy got up and went to call Kim at Katherine's. He hoped she might have gotten some sleep and was feeling a little better. At least not like she wanted to kill him anyways.
"Hello," answered Kim's mom.
"Morning Katherine. Can I talk to Kim?"
"Kim isn't here, Jimmy."
Jimmy stopped for a minute and tried to push down the panic that was rising inside. "Kim said that she was going to stay with you last night. Someone was pounding at their door last night and I went over and picked them up. Joey is still asleep here, but Kim and I had an argument and she said she was gonna go and stay with you."
"I know what happened. She called me early in the morning and asked me to tell you that she was staying with me. I wanted her to come, but she said she wanted to be alone."
"Where is she then?" Jimmy didn't understand why Kim would ask her mom to lie to him.
"She went home. Look Jimmy, she sounded really bad last night. She wouldn't say anything, but I could tell there was something wrong. I think she's still scared."
"I'll call in sick. Would you mind watching Joey today?"
"Of course not. What are you gonna do though? I doubt Kim wants to see you right now."
"She doesn't have a choice."
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Kim was sitting on the couch in front of the t.v. Almost every light in the apartment was on, it was the only way she felt safe now. She was wrapped in a blanket, but all night she had been shaking. She wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from something else, but knew she didn't want to examine it too closely. Suddenly she started crying. How long could she go on like this? Last night was crossing a boundary. She wasn't just scaring herself, she was scaring her son. She knew Joey was worried about her all the time and that didn't make her feel any better. He was just a kid, he shouldn't have to worry about his mother. Maybe he would be better off staying with Jimmy for a while. Just until she got herself back together again. That thought made her cry even harder. She heard a knock at the door and her heart started to race and her breathing sped up. Kim got up, shaking harder and walked to the door. It registered in her mind that whoever was knocking wasn't intent on trying to break her door down like the guy had been last night.
"Kim? Kim are you still home?" Jimmy called out gently, not wanting to startle her.
Kim let out a huge breath and opened the door, "What are you doing here?" she asked, trying to slow down her breathing.
"What are you doing here?" he repeated the question. Kim looked down and pulled at the hem of her shirt. "You told me you were going over to your mom's."
"I did," she lied, "I came back here not to long ago to get ready for work."
Jimmy closed his eyes, forcing himself to stay calm, "I called your mom's this morning and she said you asked her to tell me you were there. Why are you lying to me?"
Kim backed up a few steps, "I knew if I told you last night that I was going to come home, you would have made a big deal about it."
Jimmy hardly heard her answer, he was too busy taking in her appearance. She was shaking, her eyes were red, and there were tears rolling out of her eyes. He had come here with the intention of yelling at her, but just looking at her made him want to cry too. He took a couple steps towards her, noticing she was trying to inch away from him. "I'm not gonna hurt you," he reassured her. She stopped moving, but stared at her feet. Jimmy cupped the side of her face with one hand and brushed the tears away with his thumb. He did the same with the other side and gently raised her head, "Did you sleep at all last night?" he asked softly.
"No," she whispered in a hoarse voice.
Jimmy continued to gently caress her cheeks with his thumbs, noticing that it seemed to calm her. She was still shaking, but not as bad. "Me either." She moved a little closer to him, still nervously playing with the hem of her shirt. "Are you still insisting on going to work today?"
"I think I'm too tired," she whispered.
Jimmy looked around, "It's no wonder you didn't sleep. It's brighter than the surface of the sun in here," he frowned looking at all the lights. "There's going to be an electricity shortage in New York if we don't turn some lights off."
Kim smiled and finally looked at him, "It makes me feel better," she confessed.
"Would it make you feel any better if I stayed with you?" he asked, hoping that suggestion wouldn't piss her off.
Kim started to cry again, "I hate being like this."
Jimmy slowly pulled her into his arms, giving her the opportunity to pull away, but she didn't. She wrapped her shaking arms around his waist and buried her face into his chest. Jimmy sighed with relief, finally she was letting him in. "I know, baby. I know." They continued to stand there and hold each other like that for a long time. He began to feel Kim's body sagging against his. "Why don't I put you to bed, huh?"
Kim pulled away slightly and looked at her room, "I haven't slept in there since I was attacked."
"I don't think you've slept at all." Kim turned and looked at him. "I mean, you look like you haven't slept in ages."
"Oh, gee. Thanks. You really know how to make a girl feel special," she smirked.
"Where you planning on going with those bags? Japan?" he smiled.
"Jimmy!" she pushed him away and laughed.
They became serious again and Jimmy went around the apartment turning off all the lights. It was daytime, so the apartment wasn't dark, but it still made her nervous. Jimmy took her hand and led her into her bedroom. He felt her start to shake again. "So, when do you get off work tonight?" she asked, not wanting to be alone.
"I called in sick," he said. Jimmy moved closer to her and looked her in the eyes. "I'm not going anywhere, Kim."
Kim unzipped his jacket and slid it off his big shoulders. Jimmy raised his eyebrows in surprise, but didn't protest. He slipped his hands around her waist, "This isn't exactly what I had in mind, but I'm open to suggestion," he smiled.
Kim rolled her eyes, but he saw the hint of a smile. She looked up at him, "Will you stay with me?"
He brushed some hair out of her face, "Of course."
Kim looked down briefly, "I didn't mean like."
"I know what you meant," Jimmy smiled.
Kim crawled into bed and reached a hand out to pull him in. Jimmy quickly kicked off his shoes and slid in beside her, not quite knowing what she wanted him to do. Kim waited for him to lay down and curled up into his side, her head resting on his chest, her arm around his waist. Jimmy smiled and wrapped his arm around her, "Just sleep, Kimmy. I'll be here when you wake up." Jimmy knew she hadn't heard a word he said because she was already fast asleep. He kissed her head and drifted into sleep himself.