Title: Back to You- chapter 12
Disclaimer: Anyone who says I own Third Watch is lying. And very disturbed.
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone once again for taking such an interest in
my story. A special thanks and warm fuzzies to jimbosJS and Janie. I really
appreciate the support.
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Kim stood in front of Joey's door, just staring at it. She had been right. All the confusion that she had been feeling lately had also been felt by their son. She had to do something about that. And she would.
Kim slowly opened the door and saw Joey sit up quickly on the bed, rubbing at his face furiously, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying. Kim knew better.
"Hey sweetie," Kim soothed gently, moving to sit on the bed next to him. "You wanna tell me what all that was about out there?" she asked, smoothing his hair away from his flushed face.
Joey shook his head slowly and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. He refused to look his mom in the eye, but Kim could see his little chin quivering, fighting bravely not to cry.
Kim sighed and put her arm around his shoulders. Her heart was breaking for her son. Joey snuggled into her side, still hiding his face. "Am I in trouble?," he asked in a small voice.
"Well, being rude to Tina is unacceptable. You know you're not supposed to treat people that way, Joey," Kim said, still playing with his hair.
Joey finally pulled away to look at Kim, "Am I gonna be grounded?" he asked softly.
"No baby, you're not grounded, but you do have to apologize for your behavior," Kim brushed the wetness off his cheek. "Joey, I love you. You know that you can talk to me if something is bothering you, right?" Kim questioned. She already had a pretty good idea of what was bothering him, but she wanted him to talk to her.
Joey slowly nodded his head, looking conflicted. "I didn't mean to be rude, but she's getting in the way," he struggled to explain.
Kim scooted off the bed, on to the floor so that she was right in his line of sight, which happened to be on a spot on the floor, not far from his feet. "Who's getting in the way of what, honey?"
"Tina. I like things the way they are with you and dad and she's messing it up. You and dad are never here at the same time anymore cuz he's always with her. And he's never here to watch movies and play games anymore," Joey rushed out, trying his hardest not to cry.
Kim took hold of his legs gently, "Honey, you know me and your dad aren't together again, right?" Joey stayed silent, but bit down on his bottom lip while he nervously played with his shirt. Kim's eyes were getting misty themselves. It hurt to see her baby in so much pain. Pain she could have avoided had she been a stronger person.
"Joey, I care about your dad very much and he's been a big help to me after I got hurt, but we aren't together anymore."
"But he makes you feel safe, and he makes you laugh, and I like it when we're all home watching movies, and I don't like him with her," Joey cried.
Kim pulled Joey into her arms and held him tight, rocking back and forth, whispering soothing words to him. When she felt him calm she continued, "I love your dad, Joey, but we can't be together. When we are, we fight and make each other feel bad, and I know that makes you feel bad." She felt Joey's head nod against her chest. "But we're friends and that's good." Kim tilted Joey's face to look at her, " One thing will never change though. We both love you more than anything."
"But can't you try to love him? Just a little?," Joey asked quietly.
Kim's eyes filled with real tears this time. Could she try to love him? That was exactly what she was trying not to do, because it would be so easy. "Honey, I will always love your dad because he gave me you, and I love you so much," she kissed his head.
Joey looked up at his mom and gave her a small smile, "Do you love me a million billion?"
Kim's laugh wobbled from her tears, "I love you a million, billion, trillion. Do you love me a million, billion, trillion?"
"I love you a million, billion, trillion, gazillion," Joey laughed and hugged his mom.
Kim turned serious again, "You know that your dad loves you, right baby?" Joey shrugged. Kim looked him in the eyes, "Don't you ever think that he doesn't, sweetie. Daddy loves you more than anybody on the planet."
Joey gave his mom a mischievous smile, "Even more than Tina?"
Kim laughed and tackled him to the ground with tickles, "Yeah, way more than Tina!" Kim laughed as she continued to attack her son, who was begging for her to stop.
Eventually, things settled down and she tucked Joey into bed, kissing him goodnight, again reminding him how much she loved him.
He fell asleep fast, emotionally taxed. Just as she was tip-toeing away, she noticed Jimmy leaning against the doorframe, with a turbulent look on his face. Jimmy stepped back and Kim shut the door behind her. "Hey," she whispered.
Jimmy leaned against the wall opposite Joey's door. "Did he get to sleep okay?" Jimmy whispered back.
Kim was a little confused. She figured either Tina would still be here, or he would have gone to her place tonight. "Yeah, out like a light." Kim looked down the hall and back at him, "Did Tina leave already?"
Jimmy rubbed a hand across the back of his neck, "She left not too long after you went to talk to Joey."
"Oh, Jimmy, I'm really sorry about that. I hope she wasn't too upset."
"Actually, she was. But that was only after I asked her to go."
Kim didn't know what to say to that so she stayed silent and went back to fidgeting with the hem of her flannel shirt. Well, one solved mystery. Joey definitely got that habit from her.
The silence was becoming unbearable and Kim felt like an idiot standing in the hall and not looking at him. "Well, I guess I'm gonna head to bed. Long night and all." Kim moved down the hall to Jimmy's room.
"He thinks I don't love him," Jimmy said quietly, but loud enough for her to catch, the devastation clear in his voice. It wasn't a question he was asking, it was a statement.
Kim turned and walked back to him. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he stared at a spot on the floor, not far away from his feet. Mystery number 2 solved. Joey got that habit from his dad.
"Jimmy, that's not what he said," Kim gently put a hand on his arm.
"You asked him if he knew that I loved him, and he didn't answer, Kim. It's just as bad," he rasped, his voice hoarse with emotion.
Kim had to get out of this hallway. She walked down the hall to the living room, pulling him behind her. The t.v. was on and the kitchen light was on, but other than that the place was pretty dim. Kim sat on the couch and looked up at Jimmy who just stood there looking lost. Kim pulled at his pant leg and he slumped on to the couch facing the t.v.
"How much did you hear?" Kim asked quietly.
"I came in about where you started to explain to him why we aren't together." Jimmy looked at her slowly. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop on you, but I heard him crying," he tried to explain.
Kim turned her body to face him. "No, it's okay. Jimmy, he knows that you love him, he was just upset. So much has happened in the last couple months and I think that he just feels a little threatened by your new girlfriend." The word felt gross in her mouth. But this wasn't about that. This was about helping Jimmy understand his son. "Just give it some time. I'm sure he'll get used to her in a while." Kim plastered an encouraging smile on her face.
"Well, he won't have to worry about it because I'm not going to call her back," Jimmy stated.
"Jimmy, really, give it some time. It will get better." She couldn't believe she was actually suggesting that.
Jimmy looked and Kim, "Kim, Tina's not important to me. My son is. If he feels threatened by her, she's gone. I don't want him to think that I would choose her, or anybody, over him. Besides, I didn't really like her anyway."
Kim's brow furrowed. He had seemed to like her a lot. They had seemed pretty cozy together after dinner, and he had said she was a lot of fun. Whatever that meant, she really didn't wanna know. "Than why..never mind, stupid question," Kim shook her head.
"What?" Jimmy looked at her quizzically.
"I was gonna ask why you kept going out with her than, but I'm guessing she didn't put out on the first date," Kim smiled wryly.
Jimmy actually cracked a smile at that, "What can I say, she isn't like you," he jabbed back.
Kim gasped in mock horror, "Are you calling me easy?"
Jimmy chuckled, "If the shoe fits." he laughed and dodged a pillow. "Really Kim, is that all you think I have on my agenda?"
"No asshole, I know that's all you have on your agenda," she smirked.
They exchanged a few more insults, but became quiet again. Kim looked at Jimmy, "He knows you love him, Jimmy," he looked at her, "he knows."
Jimmy's hand reached for hers and he squeezed it lightly. "I'll make sure he does," he vowed. They remained quiet for a while until Kim spoke.
"You think maybe this is messing with his head?" Kim asked.
Jimmy looked at her worriedly, "What?"
Kim shrugged her shoulders and pulled her had away. "This. Us. Being together under one roof all the time. Him seeing us together."
Jimmy really didn't like where this conversation was going, but he knew she might be right. He knew the whole thing was messing with his own head, he couldn't imagine what it was doing to his son's. Still, he couldn't bear the thought of them leaving. Either one. "Maybe things are just a little unclear and we should sit down and explain some things to him."
Kim looked at her hands and felt those damned tears gathering in the back of her eyes. "Jimmy, I can't even explain things to myself. How am I supposed to explain them to him?"
Jimmy felt a sensation of dread well in his stomach. Any minute she was gonna suggest that they go back to the way things were before, and the thought scared him. And the fact that the thought scared him, really scared the shit out of him. It would be bad to go back to only seeing Joey 3 days out of the week, but it would be really bad not to see Kim at all. Not to see her in the morning when he woke up. Not to see her waiting up on the couch, late at night for him when he got off his shift. Not smell her smell when he walked into the apartment. He couldn't go back to that again. "We'll figure something out. Then it won't be so confusing for him to see us both together." Jimmy heard Kim sigh and he looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. She had tears running down her cheeks and she was nervously playing with her hands, which signaled she was really upset. What had he said that had upset her so much? Jimmy scooted close to her and tilted her face to look at him. "Hey, baby, what's the matter," he asked softly as he wiped away her tears.
Hearing him call her that made her want to throw her arms around him and never let go. She looked at him and realized it was too late. She had already done what Joey wanted, and want she absolutely did not. She was falling back in love with him little by little and if she didn't do something fast, she would end up completely drowned. She tried to fight everything in herself that was telling her to move into his arms, but failed. Maybe they could make it work. Maybe all her fighting was for nothing. Maybe he really was different and they could handle it this time. Maybe she could give Joey what he wanted after all. Kim nuzzled her face into his hand and kissed his palm. Jimmy didn't move away, so that was a good sign. In fact, he seemed to have moved a little closer. She closed her eyes and felt his lips on her forehead, an act he always did to calm her. Or maybe it was to calm himself. She cupped his face in her hands and brushed a thumb over his lips. "Isn't this a little confusing for you?" she whispered, searching his eyes, wanting him to say he was as miserable without her as she was without him. And being close to her, but not having her was too much to bear.
Jimmy was so close to kissing her, it felt like his whole body was screaming. He was so close to begging her to take him back. To getting on his knees and pleading with her to never leave. But he couldn't show her that, because if he did, that's exactly what she would do. Leave. She couldn't know how he felt. Not if he wanted her to stay. And he did. He was determined not to scare her away.
"Kim, we'll figure something out. It's not as confusing as you make it seem. He knows that you got hurt and that I want to help."
And with that, the moment died. Brutally. Kim pulled away from him slowly, the small, hopeful smile that was on her face, quickly dying also. That was all this was for him. Help. All the confusion and mixed feelings had been completely one sided. Kim cleared her throat and forced out a chuckle, "You make it sound so simple," she said, giving him one last chance to tell her what she wanted to hear. Maybe she was giving herself one more chance.
"It is simple. I care about you and want to make sure that you're okay. He knows we still care about each other, right?" he asked.
Kim fought back the onslaught of tears she felt coming, "Right. I guess it is that simple."
Jimmy couldn't understand why she still seemed upset. Telling her his intentions were completely noble usually made her feel better. It was a complete lie, telling her it was simple, because it couldn't have been more complicated for him, but he loved her. If taking care of her was as much as she would allow, he would take it.
Kim stood shakily and looked down at him. "Well, it's pretty late. We should probably get some sleep."
"Are you sure? We could watch a movie or something," Jimmy suggested, hoping to stall her.
She had to get away from him before she started to sob uncontrollably. She could feel herself falling apart. "Naw, I'm sleepy and we have work tomorrow."
Jimmy still couldn't figure out what that look in her eyes meant. "Kim, did I say something wrong," he asked with worry to her retreating form.
Kim turned to look at him, "No Jimmy. Everything you said was right," she smiled weakly and disappeared down the hall, leaving both in complete misery.
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Kim stood in front of Joey's door, just staring at it. She had been right. All the confusion that she had been feeling lately had also been felt by their son. She had to do something about that. And she would.
Kim slowly opened the door and saw Joey sit up quickly on the bed, rubbing at his face furiously, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying. Kim knew better.
"Hey sweetie," Kim soothed gently, moving to sit on the bed next to him. "You wanna tell me what all that was about out there?" she asked, smoothing his hair away from his flushed face.
Joey shook his head slowly and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. He refused to look his mom in the eye, but Kim could see his little chin quivering, fighting bravely not to cry.
Kim sighed and put her arm around his shoulders. Her heart was breaking for her son. Joey snuggled into her side, still hiding his face. "Am I in trouble?," he asked in a small voice.
"Well, being rude to Tina is unacceptable. You know you're not supposed to treat people that way, Joey," Kim said, still playing with his hair.
Joey finally pulled away to look at Kim, "Am I gonna be grounded?" he asked softly.
"No baby, you're not grounded, but you do have to apologize for your behavior," Kim brushed the wetness off his cheek. "Joey, I love you. You know that you can talk to me if something is bothering you, right?" Kim questioned. She already had a pretty good idea of what was bothering him, but she wanted him to talk to her.
Joey slowly nodded his head, looking conflicted. "I didn't mean to be rude, but she's getting in the way," he struggled to explain.
Kim scooted off the bed, on to the floor so that she was right in his line of sight, which happened to be on a spot on the floor, not far from his feet. "Who's getting in the way of what, honey?"
"Tina. I like things the way they are with you and dad and she's messing it up. You and dad are never here at the same time anymore cuz he's always with her. And he's never here to watch movies and play games anymore," Joey rushed out, trying his hardest not to cry.
Kim took hold of his legs gently, "Honey, you know me and your dad aren't together again, right?" Joey stayed silent, but bit down on his bottom lip while he nervously played with his shirt. Kim's eyes were getting misty themselves. It hurt to see her baby in so much pain. Pain she could have avoided had she been a stronger person.
"Joey, I care about your dad very much and he's been a big help to me after I got hurt, but we aren't together anymore."
"But he makes you feel safe, and he makes you laugh, and I like it when we're all home watching movies, and I don't like him with her," Joey cried.
Kim pulled Joey into her arms and held him tight, rocking back and forth, whispering soothing words to him. When she felt him calm she continued, "I love your dad, Joey, but we can't be together. When we are, we fight and make each other feel bad, and I know that makes you feel bad." She felt Joey's head nod against her chest. "But we're friends and that's good." Kim tilted Joey's face to look at her, " One thing will never change though. We both love you more than anything."
"But can't you try to love him? Just a little?," Joey asked quietly.
Kim's eyes filled with real tears this time. Could she try to love him? That was exactly what she was trying not to do, because it would be so easy. "Honey, I will always love your dad because he gave me you, and I love you so much," she kissed his head.
Joey looked up at his mom and gave her a small smile, "Do you love me a million billion?"
Kim's laugh wobbled from her tears, "I love you a million, billion, trillion. Do you love me a million, billion, trillion?"
"I love you a million, billion, trillion, gazillion," Joey laughed and hugged his mom.
Kim turned serious again, "You know that your dad loves you, right baby?" Joey shrugged. Kim looked him in the eyes, "Don't you ever think that he doesn't, sweetie. Daddy loves you more than anybody on the planet."
Joey gave his mom a mischievous smile, "Even more than Tina?"
Kim laughed and tackled him to the ground with tickles, "Yeah, way more than Tina!" Kim laughed as she continued to attack her son, who was begging for her to stop.
Eventually, things settled down and she tucked Joey into bed, kissing him goodnight, again reminding him how much she loved him.
He fell asleep fast, emotionally taxed. Just as she was tip-toeing away, she noticed Jimmy leaning against the doorframe, with a turbulent look on his face. Jimmy stepped back and Kim shut the door behind her. "Hey," she whispered.
Jimmy leaned against the wall opposite Joey's door. "Did he get to sleep okay?" Jimmy whispered back.
Kim was a little confused. She figured either Tina would still be here, or he would have gone to her place tonight. "Yeah, out like a light." Kim looked down the hall and back at him, "Did Tina leave already?"
Jimmy rubbed a hand across the back of his neck, "She left not too long after you went to talk to Joey."
"Oh, Jimmy, I'm really sorry about that. I hope she wasn't too upset."
"Actually, she was. But that was only after I asked her to go."
Kim didn't know what to say to that so she stayed silent and went back to fidgeting with the hem of her flannel shirt. Well, one solved mystery. Joey definitely got that habit from her.
The silence was becoming unbearable and Kim felt like an idiot standing in the hall and not looking at him. "Well, I guess I'm gonna head to bed. Long night and all." Kim moved down the hall to Jimmy's room.
"He thinks I don't love him," Jimmy said quietly, but loud enough for her to catch, the devastation clear in his voice. It wasn't a question he was asking, it was a statement.
Kim turned and walked back to him. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he stared at a spot on the floor, not far away from his feet. Mystery number 2 solved. Joey got that habit from his dad.
"Jimmy, that's not what he said," Kim gently put a hand on his arm.
"You asked him if he knew that I loved him, and he didn't answer, Kim. It's just as bad," he rasped, his voice hoarse with emotion.
Kim had to get out of this hallway. She walked down the hall to the living room, pulling him behind her. The t.v. was on and the kitchen light was on, but other than that the place was pretty dim. Kim sat on the couch and looked up at Jimmy who just stood there looking lost. Kim pulled at his pant leg and he slumped on to the couch facing the t.v.
"How much did you hear?" Kim asked quietly.
"I came in about where you started to explain to him why we aren't together." Jimmy looked at her slowly. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop on you, but I heard him crying," he tried to explain.
Kim turned her body to face him. "No, it's okay. Jimmy, he knows that you love him, he was just upset. So much has happened in the last couple months and I think that he just feels a little threatened by your new girlfriend." The word felt gross in her mouth. But this wasn't about that. This was about helping Jimmy understand his son. "Just give it some time. I'm sure he'll get used to her in a while." Kim plastered an encouraging smile on her face.
"Well, he won't have to worry about it because I'm not going to call her back," Jimmy stated.
"Jimmy, really, give it some time. It will get better." She couldn't believe she was actually suggesting that.
Jimmy looked and Kim, "Kim, Tina's not important to me. My son is. If he feels threatened by her, she's gone. I don't want him to think that I would choose her, or anybody, over him. Besides, I didn't really like her anyway."
Kim's brow furrowed. He had seemed to like her a lot. They had seemed pretty cozy together after dinner, and he had said she was a lot of fun. Whatever that meant, she really didn't wanna know. "Than why..never mind, stupid question," Kim shook her head.
"What?" Jimmy looked at her quizzically.
"I was gonna ask why you kept going out with her than, but I'm guessing she didn't put out on the first date," Kim smiled wryly.
Jimmy actually cracked a smile at that, "What can I say, she isn't like you," he jabbed back.
Kim gasped in mock horror, "Are you calling me easy?"
Jimmy chuckled, "If the shoe fits." he laughed and dodged a pillow. "Really Kim, is that all you think I have on my agenda?"
"No asshole, I know that's all you have on your agenda," she smirked.
They exchanged a few more insults, but became quiet again. Kim looked at Jimmy, "He knows you love him, Jimmy," he looked at her, "he knows."
Jimmy's hand reached for hers and he squeezed it lightly. "I'll make sure he does," he vowed. They remained quiet for a while until Kim spoke.
"You think maybe this is messing with his head?" Kim asked.
Jimmy looked at her worriedly, "What?"
Kim shrugged her shoulders and pulled her had away. "This. Us. Being together under one roof all the time. Him seeing us together."
Jimmy really didn't like where this conversation was going, but he knew she might be right. He knew the whole thing was messing with his own head, he couldn't imagine what it was doing to his son's. Still, he couldn't bear the thought of them leaving. Either one. "Maybe things are just a little unclear and we should sit down and explain some things to him."
Kim looked at her hands and felt those damned tears gathering in the back of her eyes. "Jimmy, I can't even explain things to myself. How am I supposed to explain them to him?"
Jimmy felt a sensation of dread well in his stomach. Any minute she was gonna suggest that they go back to the way things were before, and the thought scared him. And the fact that the thought scared him, really scared the shit out of him. It would be bad to go back to only seeing Joey 3 days out of the week, but it would be really bad not to see Kim at all. Not to see her in the morning when he woke up. Not to see her waiting up on the couch, late at night for him when he got off his shift. Not smell her smell when he walked into the apartment. He couldn't go back to that again. "We'll figure something out. Then it won't be so confusing for him to see us both together." Jimmy heard Kim sigh and he looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. She had tears running down her cheeks and she was nervously playing with her hands, which signaled she was really upset. What had he said that had upset her so much? Jimmy scooted close to her and tilted her face to look at him. "Hey, baby, what's the matter," he asked softly as he wiped away her tears.
Hearing him call her that made her want to throw her arms around him and never let go. She looked at him and realized it was too late. She had already done what Joey wanted, and want she absolutely did not. She was falling back in love with him little by little and if she didn't do something fast, she would end up completely drowned. She tried to fight everything in herself that was telling her to move into his arms, but failed. Maybe they could make it work. Maybe all her fighting was for nothing. Maybe he really was different and they could handle it this time. Maybe she could give Joey what he wanted after all. Kim nuzzled her face into his hand and kissed his palm. Jimmy didn't move away, so that was a good sign. In fact, he seemed to have moved a little closer. She closed her eyes and felt his lips on her forehead, an act he always did to calm her. Or maybe it was to calm himself. She cupped his face in her hands and brushed a thumb over his lips. "Isn't this a little confusing for you?" she whispered, searching his eyes, wanting him to say he was as miserable without her as she was without him. And being close to her, but not having her was too much to bear.
Jimmy was so close to kissing her, it felt like his whole body was screaming. He was so close to begging her to take him back. To getting on his knees and pleading with her to never leave. But he couldn't show her that, because if he did, that's exactly what she would do. Leave. She couldn't know how he felt. Not if he wanted her to stay. And he did. He was determined not to scare her away.
"Kim, we'll figure something out. It's not as confusing as you make it seem. He knows that you got hurt and that I want to help."
And with that, the moment died. Brutally. Kim pulled away from him slowly, the small, hopeful smile that was on her face, quickly dying also. That was all this was for him. Help. All the confusion and mixed feelings had been completely one sided. Kim cleared her throat and forced out a chuckle, "You make it sound so simple," she said, giving him one last chance to tell her what she wanted to hear. Maybe she was giving herself one more chance.
"It is simple. I care about you and want to make sure that you're okay. He knows we still care about each other, right?" he asked.
Kim fought back the onslaught of tears she felt coming, "Right. I guess it is that simple."
Jimmy couldn't understand why she still seemed upset. Telling her his intentions were completely noble usually made her feel better. It was a complete lie, telling her it was simple, because it couldn't have been more complicated for him, but he loved her. If taking care of her was as much as she would allow, he would take it.
Kim stood shakily and looked down at him. "Well, it's pretty late. We should probably get some sleep."
"Are you sure? We could watch a movie or something," Jimmy suggested, hoping to stall her.
She had to get away from him before she started to sob uncontrollably. She could feel herself falling apart. "Naw, I'm sleepy and we have work tomorrow."
Jimmy still couldn't figure out what that look in her eyes meant. "Kim, did I say something wrong," he asked with worry to her retreating form.
Kim turned to look at him, "No Jimmy. Everything you said was right," she smiled weakly and disappeared down the hall, leaving both in complete misery.