Disclaimer: Hi! Oh good heavens have I got news for all of you! I don't own
Gundam Wing! I know . . . isn't life just silly!?
Author's Note: Hi! Okay, so what can I say? Me + cookies + ham + more cookies + tea + pop + ice cream + milk + a strange phone conversation = this really weird fic . . . I don't expect you to review this freaky thing . . . in fact, you're very brave for even daring to read the disclaimer and the author's note . . . ^_^, eheh . . . goooood luck!
An Oz Exclusive Inside Peek: What Came After . . .
By: Amethyst Tiger
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ZECHS: (Walks on set with coffee mug) Hello, I'm Zechs Marquise, although some of you may know me as Milliardo Peacecraft. Many of you remember the great war that started in the year AfterColony195. I know I do. In fact, I tried to blow up the Earth, and lucky for all of you, the Gundam Pilots stopped me.
(Chuckles lightly & sighs)
Ah, those were the days weren't they folks? Since then, Oz has retired from their military ways, and thanks to government funding, and the six years of community service we've all been sentenced to do, the name 'OZ' is no longer a name to be feared by people. No friends, Oz is now the proud name of a cable television show who's goal is to dig into people's private lives, where we have no business being, and then to broadcast our findings on the air for your, the viewers, personal enjoyment.
(Sips coffee, and pauses briefly before smiling up at camera)
Speaking of the Gundam Pilots, have you ever wondered what happened to those five courageous young boys? Well if so, then it's your lucky night, because you're going to find out on another Oz Exclusive Inside Peek.
~*~*~
NOIN: And . . .cut!
ZECHS: (Smile disappears, walks off stage, throws coffee mug on floor) I don't care if this IS community service! Can't a guy get a cup of coffee that DOESN'T taste like sewage!?
RANDOM SOLDIER #1: Ms. Noin, Une wants to know what the next segment is.
NOIN: (Throws script on floor) Why don't you tell her to check the damned script herself? I'm going to go eat a tub of ice cream in an attempt to get rid of the depression that I have due to my life's failure, feel really bad about myself, get addicted to doctor prescribed anti-depressants, and then check into rehab. (Walks off)
RANDOM SOLDIER #1: (Blinks) Oooookay . . . Lady Une!
LADY UNE: What is it?
RANDOM SOLDIER #1: Noin says to check the script yourself.
LADY UNE: Very well I will. (Looks over script) Okay, the next segment is the documentary reenactment of the Gundam Pilot's story, starting right after the commercial break. Sounds good to me. Okay people! Take your places, roll it in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . and, now!
~*~*~
ZECHS: All events and characters in this story are real and due to some violent images and language, parental guidance is recommended.
CAMERA: (Fades in on room resembling an expensive looking study and man sitting at desk)
~*~*~
SECRETARY: (Comes in room) Mr. Winner.
QUATRE: (Looks up, smiles) Yes?
SECRETARY: Call on line 2 sir.
QUATRE: (Nods) Thank you.
SECRETARY: Yes sir. (Leaves)
QUATRE: (Picks up phone) Hello? Duo, hi! I haven't heard from you in two years. Yes, yes, um-hm. That's great to hear. Get together? Sure, sure okay. Yeah, I'll see you then. (Hangs up phone)
~*~*~
ZECHS: Now Quatre didn't know it at the time, but the little get together with Duo and the rest of them was going to prove to be one of the best things that ever happened to him.
CAMERA: (Fades into forest scene, car driving up)
~*~*~
QUATRE: (Stops car, gets out)
DUO: (Waves) Hey Quatre, over here man!
QUATRE: (Smiles, runs over to Duo, hugs him) It's great to see you again!
DUO: (Returns hug) You too! You're the first one here. Trowa, Heero, and Wufei are due here soon.
QUATRE: So tell me, why are we meeting in this forest?
DUO: (Shrugs) Why not?
~*~*~
ZECHS: Duo and Quatre are said to have waited in the forest for a good two hours before their three companions came. They had all been caught in traffic on the way to the meeting place, which would prove to be very fortunate for the five young men.
~*~*~
WUFEI: Sorry we're all so late.
DUO: No worries, we can get together some other time.
TROWA: Yes, it's getting late anyway.
HEERO: We'll try this again another day.
QUATRE: Yep.
ALL: (Go to place where vehicles were supposed to be parked)
QUATRE: Dudes, where's our cars?
DUO: Over there!
CAMERA: (Shows all five cars being driven away by hyperactive squirrels)
~*~*~
ZECHS: Now you can imagine how surprised the boys were. With their cars hijacked, and the sun going down, they were in a little bit of a jam being miles away from civilization. However, they were trained pilots and they quickly came up with a solution to their problem.
CAMERA: (Zooms in on boys coming up to abandoned log cabin)
~*~*~
DUO: Well it isn't exactly a hotel, but it'll do 'till tomorrow.
ALL: (Agree and walk into cabin)
TROWA: (Finds pile of firewood by wall, puts in brick fire place, lights match)
ALL: (Gather around the fire)
DUO: So, since we're here, what's everyone been doing with themselves?
WUFEI: Well, I moved to America six months ago and started a very successful Chinese restaurant called Wufei's Unjust House of Chinese Food Consumption.
DUO: (Blinks) Original. What about you Heero?
HEERO: Mall security guard.
DUO: (Coughs) Trowa?
TROWA: . . . Circus.
DUO: (Winks) Good place for ya. What about you Q?
QUATRE: You have to ask? I'm working as head of WEI.
DUO: (Nods) I do odd jobs. (Grins, gives peace sign) Last week I was a lumberjack! And the week before that I was President of the United States!
QUATRE: (Blinks) . . . How?
DUO: Well, I always wanted to know what it was like to be President, so I just gave the real President a candy bar and a shiny penny and he let me be President for a week. Cool, huh?
QUATRE: (Shakes head) Yeah.
HEERO: The fire is going out, I'll go get some more wood. (Gets up, goes to woodpile, trips and falls)
QUATRE: Heero, are you okay?
HEERO: (Nods, holds up old washboard) Tripped over this.
DUO: Hey cool, a washboard. (Gets up, goes over, looks around and holds up large jug) Check it out, an old moonshine jug.
QUATRE: (Goes over) Hey, a tin pan with a wooden spoon attached.
WUFEI: (Joins them) A long, flimsy saw blade, that when held correctly, makes sound.
TROWA: (Goes over) And two spoons.
ALL: (Silence, stare at one another)
DUO: So who here is only pretending to be happy with what their lives are like?
ALL: (Raise hands)
DUO: So are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
QUATRE: I think I speak for all of us when I say, let's go for it!
~*~*~
ZECHS: Now all our boys needed was a name and you'll find the rest out after these commercial messages.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: And . . . cut!
ZECHS: (Walks off stage, throws coffee mug on floor) It's not even coffee this time! It's water! Christ! All I want is a decent cup of coffee . . . and where's my cheese danish!?
RANDOM SOLDIER #2: (Walks up to Une) Here is next shows script like you asked ma'am.
LADY UNE: (Raises eyebrow) What happened to Random Soldier #1?
RANDOM SOLDIER #2: He's in the bathroom ma'am.
LADY UNE: Oh, the producers gave us bathrooms now? Neato. (Looks at watch) Okay people, places, places! We're on in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . and action!
ZECHS: (Walks on set with coffee mug and cheese danish)
LADY UNE: (Whispers) Since when is a cheese danish in the script? Who gave him a cheese danish?
ZECHS: (Gives Une evil glare)
LADY UNE: Fine, KEEP the cheese danish, see if I care.
~*~*~
ZECHS: (Clears throat) Welcome back to a very special Oz Exclusive Inside Peek. For those of you who are just now joining us, Oz is looking into what happened to the five young Gundam Pilots after the war. So far we've discovered that none of the boys were particularly happy with their lives, and so, thanks to fate and some friendly hyperactive squirrels, they have stumbled across some very unique musical instruments.
CAMERA: (Shows boys sitting around fire with musical items)
~*~*~
DUO: I don't know, what do you think would be a good name for us?
QUATRE: (Shrugs) I don't know. It needs to be something we can all agree on.
WUFEI: And also something catching to the ear.
HEERO: Something that will promote us.
QUATRE: (Looks to Trowa) What do you think Trowa?
TROWA: I think I heard something outside. I'm going to go check. (Gets up, goes to cabin door and goes outside)
QUATRE: Hope he'll be okay.
DUO: Let's go check on him.
ALL MINUS TROWA 'CAUSE HE WAS ALL READY OUT THERE: (Agree, go outside)
DUO: Man it's dark.
ALL . . . STILL MINUS TROWA: (Hear yell, run toward it, find Trowa on ground)
QUATRE: (Helps Trowa up) Are you all right?
TROWA: Yeah.
DUO: What'd you scream for?
TROWA: Well, at first because that bear over to my left really scared me.
ALL: (Turn to look at bear)
BEAR: (Waves)
ALL: (Blink, and turn away)
TROWA: And then because I tripped over that stump. (Points to tree stump)
HEERO: (Bends down to inspect stump) Yup, it's a stump all right. I've seen a stump before, and I'll be damned if this isn't one of 'em.
WUFEI: (Bends down next to Heero) Wow, this is a good lookin' stump too. In fact, I don't remember ever seeing a stump quite as good lookin' as this one. It really shows the traits of excellence, strength, and over all good- natured quality. I could just stare at this thing all night.
HEERO: Yeah, it's so good looking that it's mesmerizing.
DUO: Excellence, strength, AND quality? You guys that's it! We'll call ourselves The STUMPS!
QUATRE: No, it has to be more specific . . . we'll call ourselves The Hickory Stumps!
~*~*~
ZECHS: And that's where it all started. The boy's career in the band The Hickory Stumps started that very night. They even found a very good agent in the Bear that scared Trowa. With Duo on jugs, Heero on washboards, Quatre on tin pan with a wooden spoon attached, Wufei on floppy sound making saw, and Trowa on the two spoons, The Hickory Stumps quickly went to the top of the charts. It seemed people just couldn't get enough of the boy's modern blue grass music. Songs like, "I'll Run It Over if you Cook It Up" and "I'm Gon' Gettcha You Little Critter" dazzled the world. However, like all world-renowned bands, they did have their problems. All that and more after these messages.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: Cut! That was good people! Zechs, good job, good job. (Pats annoyed looking Zechs on back)
ZECHS: (Mumbles) I'm gunna go use the bathroom.
RANDOM SOLDIER #3: (Runs up to Une) Lady Une, here's the new pair of glasses you ordered.
LADY UNE: (Takes glasses) Thank you, but what happened to Random Soldier # 2 and #1?
RANDOM SOLDIER #3: Well, Random Soldier #1 got his hand stuck in the toilet when he was flushing it, and so now, Random Soldier #2 is in there trying to help him get unstuck.
LADY UNE: (Blinks) I see, okay then, thanks.
RANDOM SOLDIER #3: (Exit)
LADY UNE: Okay everyone, we're on again, and just to spice things up, I'm not going to count or cue you in! Places!
ZECHS: (Walks on set with coffee mug)
CAMERA: (Turns on)
ZECHS: (Sitting there looking around, humming)
CAMERA MAN: (Clears throat)
ZECHS: (Looks at Camera Man) What? Oh! Eheh . . . (Clears throat) Welcome back to the show. Before the break we had just found out how the boys managed to come up with a name for their band, and had discussed how they had quickly risen to fame. They toured all over the world and the colonies, and people drank them up like a glass of hard liquor. However the road to fame is a hard one and the boys were doomed to find that out.
CAMERA: (Fades in on backstage of a concert hall)
~*~*~
HEERO: Hey Duo, I'm lookin' for Wufei, have you seen Quatre?
DUO: He's over there tuning up his tin pan with a wooden spoon attached.
HEERO: (Goes over to Quatre) Hey Quatre, I'm lookin' for Wufei, have you seen Trowa?
QUATRE: He's over there standing.
HEERO: (Goes over to Trowa) Hey Trowa, I'm lookin' for Wufei, have you seen him?
TROWA: (Blinks, tilts head) You know, you could have just asked Duo where Wufei was.
HEERO: (Blinks, shrugs) Good idea. (Starts to walk over to Duo)
TROWA: (Grabs him by back of shirt) It's a little late for that now Heero. I saw Wufei in his dressing room.
HEERO: (Nods) Thanks. (Goes to dressing room and knocks on door) Hey Wufei, are you in there?
WUFEI: (Moan)
HEERO: (Raises eyebrow) Wufei?
WUFEI: . . .
HEERO: All right, I'm coming in. (Tries to open door)
DOOR: (Is locked)
HEERO: (Shoulders door open, gasps)
WUFEI: (On floor surrounded by Chinese food containers)
HEERO: (Runs out to Trowa) Quick, call an ambulance! Wufei isn't moving!
~*~*~
ZECHS: It turns out that The Hickory Stumps' Chang Wufei had over eaten some carry out Chinese food. This was a very tragic time for the boys as their friend was hospitalized. Quatre Winner fell into depression and had to seek medical help. Trowa Barton lost his will and interest in the spoons and went back to the circus. Heero and Duo were the only ones left in the band. However, The Hickory Stumps was not the same with out the three missing members and so eventually even Heero and Duo had to drop out of the band. For a long time The Hickory Stumps were nothing more than a memory to the saddened public. The people could only listen to their CD's and the radio, which played their songs daily. Yes, even with the band broken apart, it seemed that the people wouldn't let them die. Yet, no one expected them to make a come back.
CAMERA: (Fades in on Bear That Scared Trowa sitting in office)
~*~*~
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Picks up phone) Hello? Yes. Yes. Really? I'll do what I can. All right, bye. WHOOPIE! (Gets up, does little dance of glee)
DUO: (Pulls up to orphanage, gets out of car)
QUATRE: Hey Duo! (Runs up to Duo)
DUO: Quatre? Hey man!
QUATRE and DUO: (Hug)
DUO: Dude, what are you doing here?
QUATRE: The Bear That Scared Trowa called me up and told me that this orphanage needed a speaker for some entertainment today. I couldn't say no.
DUO: Hey, me too! (Looks into distance, sees three other cars) Is that who I think it is?
QUATRE: It's Trowa, Wufei, and Heero!
TROWA, WUFEI, and HEERO: (Run up to all ready present friends)
TROWA: Are you guys here for the speaking gig?
QUATRE: Yes.
HEERO: So um . . . I guess we're all here for it, huh? Well um, since we are, what do you say we all get together again and give those kids a show to remember?
WUFEI: Sounds like a plan to me.
~*~*~
ZECHS: The boys played for the children of the orphanage and when they finished they all went out for pizza to catch up. They figured out that The Bear That Scared Trowa, their beloved agent, had set them up to try and get them back together and decided not to disappoint him. The Hickory Stumps were back in business.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: And . . . cut.
ZECHS: (Leaves set)
RANDOM SOLDIER #4: (Comes up to Une) Lady Une, here's the chips you asked for.
LADY UNE: (Blinks) Thanks, but what happened to Random Soldier #'s 1, 2 , and 3?
RANDOM SOLDIER #4: Well, you know how Random Soldier # 1 got his hand stuck in the toilet and how Random Soldier #2 was attempting to help him?
LADY UNE: Yes. . .
RANDOM SOLDIER #4: Well, Random Soldier #3 went into check on them and somehow or other, they all got sucked into the toilet, deposited into the sewers, survived, and just as they started to climb out of the man hole, a huge truck hit them and now they're all in the hospital.
LADY UNE: . . . Oh, I see, well then um here's some cash. Go buy a bouquet of flowers and take them to the hospital.
RANDOM SOLDIER #4: Yes ma'am. (Exit)
LADY UNE: (Looks at watch) Places!
ZECHS: (Grumbles as he walks onto set, this time with a sandwich)
LADY UNE: Why does he have a sandwich? Who gave him a sandwich?
ZECHS: (Gives Une evil glare)
LADY UNE: (Rolls eyes) Whatever, keep the dumb sandwich.
ZECHS: (Nods, takes bite of sandwich)
LADY UNE: And 5 . . . 4 . . . 3. . . 2 . . . go!
ZECHS: (Swallows bite of sandwich) Hello and welcome back. Well once again, The Hickory Stumps quickly rose to the top of their game with new songs like, "If I had an Edumacation" and "Boom Sticks n' Overalls". The public loved them even more, but unfortunately, the boys were about to hit yet another road block in life.
CAMERA: (Fades in on extravagant ball room)
~*~*~
DUO: (Standing next to food tables and eating)
WUFEI: (Comes up to Duo holding glass of wine)
DUO: (Eyes glass of wine, grabs it from Wufei and drinks) Thanks Wu, I needed that.
WUFEI: (Blinks, sighs, shakes head) Sure, glad to be of help.
DUO: (Grins, sees Heero coming toward them) Hey Heero.
HEERO: Hello.
TROWA: (Pops up out of nowhere)
DUO: Hey Trowa.
TROWA: Hi Duo.
DUO: Where's Quatre?
TROWA: (Shrugs)
DUO: (Looks out into dancing crowd, spies Quatre coming toward them) There he is. Hey . . . Quatre . . .
QUATRE: (Walks up to them smiling and holding hand of girl) Hi you guys. You all remember Dorothy Catalonia, don't you?
TROWA: (Blinks) The one that stabbed you?
QUATRE: One and the same!
DUO: Um, hi Dorothy.
DOROTHY: Well, well Mr. Maxwell, we finally meet on more social terms. (Holds out hand)
DUO: (Shakes Dorothy's hand)
HEERO, WUFEI, TROWA, and DUO: (Exchange looks of uneasiness)
~*~*~
ZECHS: Ah, yes, Ms. Dorothy Catalonia, the manipulative, snide, mysterious, lovely, and dangerous girl who we all may or may not remember. As it turned out, Dorothy Catalonia played a very large part in Quatre's life and had some devastating effects on The Hickory Stumps.
CAMERA: (Fades in on Trowa, Duo, Wufei, and Heero in recording room)
~*~*~
DUO: Man, he should have been here an hour ago, where is he?
TROWA: Maybe he got held up?
DUO: (Looks at Trowa dully) Held up in what, traffic? Our hotel is a BLOCK from here!
TROWA: (Shrugs)
WUFEI: Relax Duo, I'm sure he'll be here soon.
HEERO: I concur. Quatre has never been one to let us down before.
DUO: (Mumbles) Yeah, well there's a first time for everything.
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Comes running in) Quatre is finally here!
DUO: Well it's about time!
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: But he has someone with him.
WUFEI: Who is it?
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: I don't know, you tell me.
QUATRE: (Enters with Dorothy) Hey all. Sorry we're late, we got distracted.
DOROTHY: (Snickers)
DUO: Aw man, I think I'm gunna be sick.
WUFEI: Just forget about it . . . lets just get to work.
QUATRE: Okay.
DOROTHY: (Whispers something to Quatre)
QUATRE: (Nods) Hey you guys, Dorothy and I were talking this morning and she has some really good ideas that I think we should try.
~*~*~
ZECHS: From this point on, The Hickory Stumps went down hill. Dorothy's influence over Quatre was strong and because of this the band suffered greatly. The boys simply weren't into the music anymore and the public could tell when they listened to songs like, "A B C D G T A Z" and "1 2 6 4 8 9 3". Something had to be done. After these messages, the exciting conclusion.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: All right, almost done people.
ZECHS: (Leaves stage mumbling)
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: Lady Une, here are the keys to that new car you asked for.
LADY UNE: (Takes keys) Thank you, but what happened to Random Soldier #'s 1, 2, 3, and 4?
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: Well ma'am . . . you heard about the whole bathroom incident, right?
LADY UNE: Yes, and I sent Random Soldier #4 to get them flowers.
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: Well you see, Random Soldier #4 bought the flowers and was going to the hospital. He was crossing the street when all of the sudden a cop car ran him over for jaywalking. They said that if he was stupid enough to jaywalk and get hit, then he deserved it.
LADY UNE: Oh dear . . . well, is he okay?
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: Not really ma'am . . . he's paralyzed from the waist down, but the good news is that the paramedics were able to save the flowers and it turns out the bouquet will make a full recovery! They said that in three days those flowers will be up and ready to be sent to Random Soldier #s 1, 2, 3, and now, 4.
LADY UNE: (Blinks) Um, that's good . . . to uh . . . hear Random Soldier #5. Anyway, the show is about ready to start again, would you mind grabbing Zechs a cup of coffee for after the show, he's a little up tight.
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: No ma'am. (Exit)
LADY UNE: (Clears throat) Places everyone!
ZECHS: (Comes walking on stage with jelly doughnut, trying to wipe red jelly stain off shirt)
LADY UNE: (Whispers) Would someone find out where he keeps getting all this food!?
ZECHS: (Glares at Une)
LADY UNE: Fine, whatever, keep your stupid doughnut!
ZECHS: (Takes bite, spills on himself again and shrugs)
LADY UNE: 1, 2, skip a few, 99, action!
ZECHS: (Swallows doughnut and smiles) Hello and welcome back to the show. When we left you The Hickory Stumps' fame was suffering because of Quatre Winner and Dorothy Catalonia's involvement with one another. It was decided by the band that something had to be done.
CAMERA: (Fades in on Duo, Trowa, Heero, and Wufei conversing around a table)
~*~*~
DUO: Well we've got to do something. Dorothy has completely taken over Quatre's mind.
WUFEI: Yup, I'd say Winner is eating out of the palm of her hand.
TROWA: And unfortunately pulling us down.
DUO: Quatre seems so happy though.
WUFEI: 'Seems' is the key word. It is my belief that if Dorothy were out of the picture for even a few days Quatre would be back to normal.
DUO: Okay, so but what can we do?
HEERO: (Pulls out gun)
DUO: We can't shoot her Heero.
HEERO: (Pouts, puts gun away and pulls out hand grenade)
TROWA: (Shakes head) Or blow her up.
HEERO: (Sighs and puts away grenade, pulls out noose)
WUFEI: We can't hang her either.
HEERO: (Sighs, puts away noose) Then what CAN we do?
DUO: (Raises eyebrow) I think a better question is, where the hell do you keep putting those weapons of destruction?
HEERO: (Shrugs) It's this whole thing about science, don't worry about it.
DUO: Yeeeah, anyway, back to the problem at hand.
HEERO: Wait, I think I have a plan . . .
~*~*~
ZECHS: And what a plan it was. Heero had come up with a rather ingenious plan to fix their little dilemma, and surprisingly my little sister had a major role in it.
CAMERA: (Cuts to Trowa, Duo, Wufei, and Heero talking with Relena)
~*~*~
DUO: So, what do you think?
RELENA: (Shrugs) Okay, I'm game.
DUO: Cool.
TROWA: So everyone knows what they have to do?
EVERYONE: Yup.
WUFEI: Good, may we use your phone?
RELENA: Go right ahead.
WUFEI: (Dials number) Hi, is Bear That Scared Trowa there? Thanks. Bear That Scared Trowa? Yeah, it's Wufei. (Goes onto tell them of plan) So you'll do it? Great. What? Oh they found our cars? You say they took the hyperactive hyjacking squirrels in to custody. Good, good, well okay, we'll be seein' you.
DUO: Well?
WUFEI: Bear That Scared Trowa says he'll be happy to do it and that the hyperactive squirrels that stole our cars have been taken into custody.
HEERO: Where are the cars?
WUFEI: Bear That Scared Trowa says that the cars have been taken over by forest dwelling cannibals who will give us back the cars if we can find a pizza delivery guy to deliver three large pizzas, one with half cheese and half sausage, one pepperoni, and one supreme, oh and then one cannibal is a vegetarian, so he just wants some tofu and a glass of filtered water.
DUO: (Blinks) . . . Random . . .
RELENA: Anyway, moving right along . . .
~*~*~
ZECHS: It was time for my baby sister, the boys, and Bear That Scared Trowa to put the plan in action.
~*~*~
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Sneaks into Dorothy's room)
DOROTHY: Oh, hey Bear That Scared Trowa.
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: Um . . . roar, grr, uh . . . bark!
DOROTHY: (Blinks) . . . Well, it's obvious you're trying to scare me into unconsciousness as a part of some elaborate scheme thought up by you and all of the members of The Hickory Stumps, minus Quatre because you realize that I have complete and utter control over him and that I am completely ruining the band's reputation. I'm guessing the plan was to put me into a state of unconsciousness and then drag me off to Ms. Relena's mansion where she would chatter endlessly to me about her ideals of peace, thereby driving me insane and saving Quatre from my evil and metaphorical claws. However, your plan is flawed in several areas. You see, little does anyone know, I was actually raised all my life by a political family who were actually kin to a pack of wild bears. Because of this fact, I do not fear bears . . . oh yes . . . and bears don't go 'bark'.
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Blinks) . . . Witch! Witch! Evil! (Picks Dorothy up, carries her outside, ties her to wooden stake, and sets on fire)
RANDOM ANGRY VILLAGERS: (Holding pitch forks and torches and chanting) Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
~*~*~
ZECHS: Well, the plan didn't go quite as planned although it did diminish the Catalonia crisis. A few days later, things were back to normal.
CAMERA: (Fades in on five boys backstage just before a concert)
~*~*~
DUO: So tell me Quatre, you miss Dorothy?
QUATRE: Dorothy? Dorothy who?
DUO: (Looks back and Trowa, Wufei, Heero, and Bear That Scared Trowa and winks)
ANOUNCER ON STAGE: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for. Put your hands together for . . . (Dramatic Drum Roll) The Hickory Stumps!
ALL EXCEPT BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Run out on stage)
AUDIENCE: YAY!
~*~*~
ZECHS: (Smiles) And that's the story folks. The Hickory Stumps were once again at the top of the charts with all new, and popular songs such as, "My Ma, My Aunt", and "Ain't Nothin' Wrong With Bein' Cross Eyed". The boys played and toured together for many years afterwards and they all lived happily ever after. Now all five of them are filthy rich and don't have to work because even though they're retired, people still keep buying their albums and they keep making money, whereas I'm stuck in this dead end community service job, and living in a small apartment with no pluming. (Chuckles) Well that's it for us tonight. Join us next time on another Oz Exclusive Inside Peek.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: And cut. That's that people, let's all go home.
EVERYONE: Yay.
ZECHS: (Walks off stage)
LADY UNE: Good show tonight Zechs.
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: (Comes up to Une and Zechs) Mr. Zechs, here's your coffee.
ZECHS: (Takes cup, sips coffee) Wait a minute . . . this is a cappuccino! I hate cappuccino! (Takes out gun, shoots Random Soldier #5)
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: (Falls down)
LADY UNE: You do know that you just added 2 more years onto this whole community service deal, don't you?
ZECHS: (Frowns) Aw, damn it! You're right. Man, I gotta go to some anger management.
LADY UNE and ZECHS: (Walking toward studio exit)
LADY UNE: Hey, we all have bad days.
ZECHS: I guess you're right. Whatever happened to Noin?
LADY UNE: Something about an addiction to anti-depressants, I think she checked into rehab.
ZECHS: Oh yeah?
LADY UNE: (Flips off studio lights as she and Zechs walk out) Yeah, we should visit her.
ZECHS: Sounds like fun . . .
LADY UNE and ZECHS: (Voices fade off into distance)
-Owari.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: I know I put some major Dorothy bashing in here, but I didn't really mean to, I mean, I like Dorothy, so sorry if I offended anyone. Oh yeah, and sorry this thing was so utterly strange . . . eheh . . . the mind of a crazy person . . . ^_^,
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~
Author's Note: Hi! Okay, so what can I say? Me + cookies + ham + more cookies + tea + pop + ice cream + milk + a strange phone conversation = this really weird fic . . . I don't expect you to review this freaky thing . . . in fact, you're very brave for even daring to read the disclaimer and the author's note . . . ^_^, eheh . . . goooood luck!
An Oz Exclusive Inside Peek: What Came After . . .
By: Amethyst Tiger
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ZECHS: (Walks on set with coffee mug) Hello, I'm Zechs Marquise, although some of you may know me as Milliardo Peacecraft. Many of you remember the great war that started in the year AfterColony195. I know I do. In fact, I tried to blow up the Earth, and lucky for all of you, the Gundam Pilots stopped me.
(Chuckles lightly & sighs)
Ah, those were the days weren't they folks? Since then, Oz has retired from their military ways, and thanks to government funding, and the six years of community service we've all been sentenced to do, the name 'OZ' is no longer a name to be feared by people. No friends, Oz is now the proud name of a cable television show who's goal is to dig into people's private lives, where we have no business being, and then to broadcast our findings on the air for your, the viewers, personal enjoyment.
(Sips coffee, and pauses briefly before smiling up at camera)
Speaking of the Gundam Pilots, have you ever wondered what happened to those five courageous young boys? Well if so, then it's your lucky night, because you're going to find out on another Oz Exclusive Inside Peek.
~*~*~
NOIN: And . . .cut!
ZECHS: (Smile disappears, walks off stage, throws coffee mug on floor) I don't care if this IS community service! Can't a guy get a cup of coffee that DOESN'T taste like sewage!?
RANDOM SOLDIER #1: Ms. Noin, Une wants to know what the next segment is.
NOIN: (Throws script on floor) Why don't you tell her to check the damned script herself? I'm going to go eat a tub of ice cream in an attempt to get rid of the depression that I have due to my life's failure, feel really bad about myself, get addicted to doctor prescribed anti-depressants, and then check into rehab. (Walks off)
RANDOM SOLDIER #1: (Blinks) Oooookay . . . Lady Une!
LADY UNE: What is it?
RANDOM SOLDIER #1: Noin says to check the script yourself.
LADY UNE: Very well I will. (Looks over script) Okay, the next segment is the documentary reenactment of the Gundam Pilot's story, starting right after the commercial break. Sounds good to me. Okay people! Take your places, roll it in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . and, now!
~*~*~
ZECHS: All events and characters in this story are real and due to some violent images and language, parental guidance is recommended.
CAMERA: (Fades in on room resembling an expensive looking study and man sitting at desk)
~*~*~
SECRETARY: (Comes in room) Mr. Winner.
QUATRE: (Looks up, smiles) Yes?
SECRETARY: Call on line 2 sir.
QUATRE: (Nods) Thank you.
SECRETARY: Yes sir. (Leaves)
QUATRE: (Picks up phone) Hello? Duo, hi! I haven't heard from you in two years. Yes, yes, um-hm. That's great to hear. Get together? Sure, sure okay. Yeah, I'll see you then. (Hangs up phone)
~*~*~
ZECHS: Now Quatre didn't know it at the time, but the little get together with Duo and the rest of them was going to prove to be one of the best things that ever happened to him.
CAMERA: (Fades into forest scene, car driving up)
~*~*~
QUATRE: (Stops car, gets out)
DUO: (Waves) Hey Quatre, over here man!
QUATRE: (Smiles, runs over to Duo, hugs him) It's great to see you again!
DUO: (Returns hug) You too! You're the first one here. Trowa, Heero, and Wufei are due here soon.
QUATRE: So tell me, why are we meeting in this forest?
DUO: (Shrugs) Why not?
~*~*~
ZECHS: Duo and Quatre are said to have waited in the forest for a good two hours before their three companions came. They had all been caught in traffic on the way to the meeting place, which would prove to be very fortunate for the five young men.
~*~*~
WUFEI: Sorry we're all so late.
DUO: No worries, we can get together some other time.
TROWA: Yes, it's getting late anyway.
HEERO: We'll try this again another day.
QUATRE: Yep.
ALL: (Go to place where vehicles were supposed to be parked)
QUATRE: Dudes, where's our cars?
DUO: Over there!
CAMERA: (Shows all five cars being driven away by hyperactive squirrels)
~*~*~
ZECHS: Now you can imagine how surprised the boys were. With their cars hijacked, and the sun going down, they were in a little bit of a jam being miles away from civilization. However, they were trained pilots and they quickly came up with a solution to their problem.
CAMERA: (Zooms in on boys coming up to abandoned log cabin)
~*~*~
DUO: Well it isn't exactly a hotel, but it'll do 'till tomorrow.
ALL: (Agree and walk into cabin)
TROWA: (Finds pile of firewood by wall, puts in brick fire place, lights match)
ALL: (Gather around the fire)
DUO: So, since we're here, what's everyone been doing with themselves?
WUFEI: Well, I moved to America six months ago and started a very successful Chinese restaurant called Wufei's Unjust House of Chinese Food Consumption.
DUO: (Blinks) Original. What about you Heero?
HEERO: Mall security guard.
DUO: (Coughs) Trowa?
TROWA: . . . Circus.
DUO: (Winks) Good place for ya. What about you Q?
QUATRE: You have to ask? I'm working as head of WEI.
DUO: (Nods) I do odd jobs. (Grins, gives peace sign) Last week I was a lumberjack! And the week before that I was President of the United States!
QUATRE: (Blinks) . . . How?
DUO: Well, I always wanted to know what it was like to be President, so I just gave the real President a candy bar and a shiny penny and he let me be President for a week. Cool, huh?
QUATRE: (Shakes head) Yeah.
HEERO: The fire is going out, I'll go get some more wood. (Gets up, goes to woodpile, trips and falls)
QUATRE: Heero, are you okay?
HEERO: (Nods, holds up old washboard) Tripped over this.
DUO: Hey cool, a washboard. (Gets up, goes over, looks around and holds up large jug) Check it out, an old moonshine jug.
QUATRE: (Goes over) Hey, a tin pan with a wooden spoon attached.
WUFEI: (Joins them) A long, flimsy saw blade, that when held correctly, makes sound.
TROWA: (Goes over) And two spoons.
ALL: (Silence, stare at one another)
DUO: So who here is only pretending to be happy with what their lives are like?
ALL: (Raise hands)
DUO: So are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
QUATRE: I think I speak for all of us when I say, let's go for it!
~*~*~
ZECHS: Now all our boys needed was a name and you'll find the rest out after these commercial messages.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: And . . . cut!
ZECHS: (Walks off stage, throws coffee mug on floor) It's not even coffee this time! It's water! Christ! All I want is a decent cup of coffee . . . and where's my cheese danish!?
RANDOM SOLDIER #2: (Walks up to Une) Here is next shows script like you asked ma'am.
LADY UNE: (Raises eyebrow) What happened to Random Soldier #1?
RANDOM SOLDIER #2: He's in the bathroom ma'am.
LADY UNE: Oh, the producers gave us bathrooms now? Neato. (Looks at watch) Okay people, places, places! We're on in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . and action!
ZECHS: (Walks on set with coffee mug and cheese danish)
LADY UNE: (Whispers) Since when is a cheese danish in the script? Who gave him a cheese danish?
ZECHS: (Gives Une evil glare)
LADY UNE: Fine, KEEP the cheese danish, see if I care.
~*~*~
ZECHS: (Clears throat) Welcome back to a very special Oz Exclusive Inside Peek. For those of you who are just now joining us, Oz is looking into what happened to the five young Gundam Pilots after the war. So far we've discovered that none of the boys were particularly happy with their lives, and so, thanks to fate and some friendly hyperactive squirrels, they have stumbled across some very unique musical instruments.
CAMERA: (Shows boys sitting around fire with musical items)
~*~*~
DUO: I don't know, what do you think would be a good name for us?
QUATRE: (Shrugs) I don't know. It needs to be something we can all agree on.
WUFEI: And also something catching to the ear.
HEERO: Something that will promote us.
QUATRE: (Looks to Trowa) What do you think Trowa?
TROWA: I think I heard something outside. I'm going to go check. (Gets up, goes to cabin door and goes outside)
QUATRE: Hope he'll be okay.
DUO: Let's go check on him.
ALL MINUS TROWA 'CAUSE HE WAS ALL READY OUT THERE: (Agree, go outside)
DUO: Man it's dark.
ALL . . . STILL MINUS TROWA: (Hear yell, run toward it, find Trowa on ground)
QUATRE: (Helps Trowa up) Are you all right?
TROWA: Yeah.
DUO: What'd you scream for?
TROWA: Well, at first because that bear over to my left really scared me.
ALL: (Turn to look at bear)
BEAR: (Waves)
ALL: (Blink, and turn away)
TROWA: And then because I tripped over that stump. (Points to tree stump)
HEERO: (Bends down to inspect stump) Yup, it's a stump all right. I've seen a stump before, and I'll be damned if this isn't one of 'em.
WUFEI: (Bends down next to Heero) Wow, this is a good lookin' stump too. In fact, I don't remember ever seeing a stump quite as good lookin' as this one. It really shows the traits of excellence, strength, and over all good- natured quality. I could just stare at this thing all night.
HEERO: Yeah, it's so good looking that it's mesmerizing.
DUO: Excellence, strength, AND quality? You guys that's it! We'll call ourselves The STUMPS!
QUATRE: No, it has to be more specific . . . we'll call ourselves The Hickory Stumps!
~*~*~
ZECHS: And that's where it all started. The boy's career in the band The Hickory Stumps started that very night. They even found a very good agent in the Bear that scared Trowa. With Duo on jugs, Heero on washboards, Quatre on tin pan with a wooden spoon attached, Wufei on floppy sound making saw, and Trowa on the two spoons, The Hickory Stumps quickly went to the top of the charts. It seemed people just couldn't get enough of the boy's modern blue grass music. Songs like, "I'll Run It Over if you Cook It Up" and "I'm Gon' Gettcha You Little Critter" dazzled the world. However, like all world-renowned bands, they did have their problems. All that and more after these messages.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: Cut! That was good people! Zechs, good job, good job. (Pats annoyed looking Zechs on back)
ZECHS: (Mumbles) I'm gunna go use the bathroom.
RANDOM SOLDIER #3: (Runs up to Une) Lady Une, here's the new pair of glasses you ordered.
LADY UNE: (Takes glasses) Thank you, but what happened to Random Soldier # 2 and #1?
RANDOM SOLDIER #3: Well, Random Soldier #1 got his hand stuck in the toilet when he was flushing it, and so now, Random Soldier #2 is in there trying to help him get unstuck.
LADY UNE: (Blinks) I see, okay then, thanks.
RANDOM SOLDIER #3: (Exit)
LADY UNE: Okay everyone, we're on again, and just to spice things up, I'm not going to count or cue you in! Places!
ZECHS: (Walks on set with coffee mug)
CAMERA: (Turns on)
ZECHS: (Sitting there looking around, humming)
CAMERA MAN: (Clears throat)
ZECHS: (Looks at Camera Man) What? Oh! Eheh . . . (Clears throat) Welcome back to the show. Before the break we had just found out how the boys managed to come up with a name for their band, and had discussed how they had quickly risen to fame. They toured all over the world and the colonies, and people drank them up like a glass of hard liquor. However the road to fame is a hard one and the boys were doomed to find that out.
CAMERA: (Fades in on backstage of a concert hall)
~*~*~
HEERO: Hey Duo, I'm lookin' for Wufei, have you seen Quatre?
DUO: He's over there tuning up his tin pan with a wooden spoon attached.
HEERO: (Goes over to Quatre) Hey Quatre, I'm lookin' for Wufei, have you seen Trowa?
QUATRE: He's over there standing.
HEERO: (Goes over to Trowa) Hey Trowa, I'm lookin' for Wufei, have you seen him?
TROWA: (Blinks, tilts head) You know, you could have just asked Duo where Wufei was.
HEERO: (Blinks, shrugs) Good idea. (Starts to walk over to Duo)
TROWA: (Grabs him by back of shirt) It's a little late for that now Heero. I saw Wufei in his dressing room.
HEERO: (Nods) Thanks. (Goes to dressing room and knocks on door) Hey Wufei, are you in there?
WUFEI: (Moan)
HEERO: (Raises eyebrow) Wufei?
WUFEI: . . .
HEERO: All right, I'm coming in. (Tries to open door)
DOOR: (Is locked)
HEERO: (Shoulders door open, gasps)
WUFEI: (On floor surrounded by Chinese food containers)
HEERO: (Runs out to Trowa) Quick, call an ambulance! Wufei isn't moving!
~*~*~
ZECHS: It turns out that The Hickory Stumps' Chang Wufei had over eaten some carry out Chinese food. This was a very tragic time for the boys as their friend was hospitalized. Quatre Winner fell into depression and had to seek medical help. Trowa Barton lost his will and interest in the spoons and went back to the circus. Heero and Duo were the only ones left in the band. However, The Hickory Stumps was not the same with out the three missing members and so eventually even Heero and Duo had to drop out of the band. For a long time The Hickory Stumps were nothing more than a memory to the saddened public. The people could only listen to their CD's and the radio, which played their songs daily. Yes, even with the band broken apart, it seemed that the people wouldn't let them die. Yet, no one expected them to make a come back.
CAMERA: (Fades in on Bear That Scared Trowa sitting in office)
~*~*~
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Picks up phone) Hello? Yes. Yes. Really? I'll do what I can. All right, bye. WHOOPIE! (Gets up, does little dance of glee)
DUO: (Pulls up to orphanage, gets out of car)
QUATRE: Hey Duo! (Runs up to Duo)
DUO: Quatre? Hey man!
QUATRE and DUO: (Hug)
DUO: Dude, what are you doing here?
QUATRE: The Bear That Scared Trowa called me up and told me that this orphanage needed a speaker for some entertainment today. I couldn't say no.
DUO: Hey, me too! (Looks into distance, sees three other cars) Is that who I think it is?
QUATRE: It's Trowa, Wufei, and Heero!
TROWA, WUFEI, and HEERO: (Run up to all ready present friends)
TROWA: Are you guys here for the speaking gig?
QUATRE: Yes.
HEERO: So um . . . I guess we're all here for it, huh? Well um, since we are, what do you say we all get together again and give those kids a show to remember?
WUFEI: Sounds like a plan to me.
~*~*~
ZECHS: The boys played for the children of the orphanage and when they finished they all went out for pizza to catch up. They figured out that The Bear That Scared Trowa, their beloved agent, had set them up to try and get them back together and decided not to disappoint him. The Hickory Stumps were back in business.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: And . . . cut.
ZECHS: (Leaves set)
RANDOM SOLDIER #4: (Comes up to Une) Lady Une, here's the chips you asked for.
LADY UNE: (Blinks) Thanks, but what happened to Random Soldier #'s 1, 2 , and 3?
RANDOM SOLDIER #4: Well, you know how Random Soldier # 1 got his hand stuck in the toilet and how Random Soldier #2 was attempting to help him?
LADY UNE: Yes. . .
RANDOM SOLDIER #4: Well, Random Soldier #3 went into check on them and somehow or other, they all got sucked into the toilet, deposited into the sewers, survived, and just as they started to climb out of the man hole, a huge truck hit them and now they're all in the hospital.
LADY UNE: . . . Oh, I see, well then um here's some cash. Go buy a bouquet of flowers and take them to the hospital.
RANDOM SOLDIER #4: Yes ma'am. (Exit)
LADY UNE: (Looks at watch) Places!
ZECHS: (Grumbles as he walks onto set, this time with a sandwich)
LADY UNE: Why does he have a sandwich? Who gave him a sandwich?
ZECHS: (Gives Une evil glare)
LADY UNE: (Rolls eyes) Whatever, keep the dumb sandwich.
ZECHS: (Nods, takes bite of sandwich)
LADY UNE: And 5 . . . 4 . . . 3. . . 2 . . . go!
ZECHS: (Swallows bite of sandwich) Hello and welcome back. Well once again, The Hickory Stumps quickly rose to the top of their game with new songs like, "If I had an Edumacation" and "Boom Sticks n' Overalls". The public loved them even more, but unfortunately, the boys were about to hit yet another road block in life.
CAMERA: (Fades in on extravagant ball room)
~*~*~
DUO: (Standing next to food tables and eating)
WUFEI: (Comes up to Duo holding glass of wine)
DUO: (Eyes glass of wine, grabs it from Wufei and drinks) Thanks Wu, I needed that.
WUFEI: (Blinks, sighs, shakes head) Sure, glad to be of help.
DUO: (Grins, sees Heero coming toward them) Hey Heero.
HEERO: Hello.
TROWA: (Pops up out of nowhere)
DUO: Hey Trowa.
TROWA: Hi Duo.
DUO: Where's Quatre?
TROWA: (Shrugs)
DUO: (Looks out into dancing crowd, spies Quatre coming toward them) There he is. Hey . . . Quatre . . .
QUATRE: (Walks up to them smiling and holding hand of girl) Hi you guys. You all remember Dorothy Catalonia, don't you?
TROWA: (Blinks) The one that stabbed you?
QUATRE: One and the same!
DUO: Um, hi Dorothy.
DOROTHY: Well, well Mr. Maxwell, we finally meet on more social terms. (Holds out hand)
DUO: (Shakes Dorothy's hand)
HEERO, WUFEI, TROWA, and DUO: (Exchange looks of uneasiness)
~*~*~
ZECHS: Ah, yes, Ms. Dorothy Catalonia, the manipulative, snide, mysterious, lovely, and dangerous girl who we all may or may not remember. As it turned out, Dorothy Catalonia played a very large part in Quatre's life and had some devastating effects on The Hickory Stumps.
CAMERA: (Fades in on Trowa, Duo, Wufei, and Heero in recording room)
~*~*~
DUO: Man, he should have been here an hour ago, where is he?
TROWA: Maybe he got held up?
DUO: (Looks at Trowa dully) Held up in what, traffic? Our hotel is a BLOCK from here!
TROWA: (Shrugs)
WUFEI: Relax Duo, I'm sure he'll be here soon.
HEERO: I concur. Quatre has never been one to let us down before.
DUO: (Mumbles) Yeah, well there's a first time for everything.
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Comes running in) Quatre is finally here!
DUO: Well it's about time!
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: But he has someone with him.
WUFEI: Who is it?
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: I don't know, you tell me.
QUATRE: (Enters with Dorothy) Hey all. Sorry we're late, we got distracted.
DOROTHY: (Snickers)
DUO: Aw man, I think I'm gunna be sick.
WUFEI: Just forget about it . . . lets just get to work.
QUATRE: Okay.
DOROTHY: (Whispers something to Quatre)
QUATRE: (Nods) Hey you guys, Dorothy and I were talking this morning and she has some really good ideas that I think we should try.
~*~*~
ZECHS: From this point on, The Hickory Stumps went down hill. Dorothy's influence over Quatre was strong and because of this the band suffered greatly. The boys simply weren't into the music anymore and the public could tell when they listened to songs like, "A B C D G T A Z" and "1 2 6 4 8 9 3". Something had to be done. After these messages, the exciting conclusion.
~*~*~
LADY UNE: All right, almost done people.
ZECHS: (Leaves stage mumbling)
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: Lady Une, here are the keys to that new car you asked for.
LADY UNE: (Takes keys) Thank you, but what happened to Random Soldier #'s 1, 2, 3, and 4?
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: Well ma'am . . . you heard about the whole bathroom incident, right?
LADY UNE: Yes, and I sent Random Soldier #4 to get them flowers.
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: Well you see, Random Soldier #4 bought the flowers and was going to the hospital. He was crossing the street when all of the sudden a cop car ran him over for jaywalking. They said that if he was stupid enough to jaywalk and get hit, then he deserved it.
LADY UNE: Oh dear . . . well, is he okay?
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: Not really ma'am . . . he's paralyzed from the waist down, but the good news is that the paramedics were able to save the flowers and it turns out the bouquet will make a full recovery! They said that in three days those flowers will be up and ready to be sent to Random Soldier #s 1, 2, 3, and now, 4.
LADY UNE: (Blinks) Um, that's good . . . to uh . . . hear Random Soldier #5. Anyway, the show is about ready to start again, would you mind grabbing Zechs a cup of coffee for after the show, he's a little up tight.
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: No ma'am. (Exit)
LADY UNE: (Clears throat) Places everyone!
ZECHS: (Comes walking on stage with jelly doughnut, trying to wipe red jelly stain off shirt)
LADY UNE: (Whispers) Would someone find out where he keeps getting all this food!?
ZECHS: (Glares at Une)
LADY UNE: Fine, whatever, keep your stupid doughnut!
ZECHS: (Takes bite, spills on himself again and shrugs)
LADY UNE: 1, 2, skip a few, 99, action!
ZECHS: (Swallows doughnut and smiles) Hello and welcome back to the show. When we left you The Hickory Stumps' fame was suffering because of Quatre Winner and Dorothy Catalonia's involvement with one another. It was decided by the band that something had to be done.
CAMERA: (Fades in on Duo, Trowa, Heero, and Wufei conversing around a table)
~*~*~
DUO: Well we've got to do something. Dorothy has completely taken over Quatre's mind.
WUFEI: Yup, I'd say Winner is eating out of the palm of her hand.
TROWA: And unfortunately pulling us down.
DUO: Quatre seems so happy though.
WUFEI: 'Seems' is the key word. It is my belief that if Dorothy were out of the picture for even a few days Quatre would be back to normal.
DUO: Okay, so but what can we do?
HEERO: (Pulls out gun)
DUO: We can't shoot her Heero.
HEERO: (Pouts, puts gun away and pulls out hand grenade)
TROWA: (Shakes head) Or blow her up.
HEERO: (Sighs and puts away grenade, pulls out noose)
WUFEI: We can't hang her either.
HEERO: (Sighs, puts away noose) Then what CAN we do?
DUO: (Raises eyebrow) I think a better question is, where the hell do you keep putting those weapons of destruction?
HEERO: (Shrugs) It's this whole thing about science, don't worry about it.
DUO: Yeeeah, anyway, back to the problem at hand.
HEERO: Wait, I think I have a plan . . .
~*~*~
ZECHS: And what a plan it was. Heero had come up with a rather ingenious plan to fix their little dilemma, and surprisingly my little sister had a major role in it.
CAMERA: (Cuts to Trowa, Duo, Wufei, and Heero talking with Relena)
~*~*~
DUO: So, what do you think?
RELENA: (Shrugs) Okay, I'm game.
DUO: Cool.
TROWA: So everyone knows what they have to do?
EVERYONE: Yup.
WUFEI: Good, may we use your phone?
RELENA: Go right ahead.
WUFEI: (Dials number) Hi, is Bear That Scared Trowa there? Thanks. Bear That Scared Trowa? Yeah, it's Wufei. (Goes onto tell them of plan) So you'll do it? Great. What? Oh they found our cars? You say they took the hyperactive hyjacking squirrels in to custody. Good, good, well okay, we'll be seein' you.
DUO: Well?
WUFEI: Bear That Scared Trowa says he'll be happy to do it and that the hyperactive squirrels that stole our cars have been taken into custody.
HEERO: Where are the cars?
WUFEI: Bear That Scared Trowa says that the cars have been taken over by forest dwelling cannibals who will give us back the cars if we can find a pizza delivery guy to deliver three large pizzas, one with half cheese and half sausage, one pepperoni, and one supreme, oh and then one cannibal is a vegetarian, so he just wants some tofu and a glass of filtered water.
DUO: (Blinks) . . . Random . . .
RELENA: Anyway, moving right along . . .
~*~*~
ZECHS: It was time for my baby sister, the boys, and Bear That Scared Trowa to put the plan in action.
~*~*~
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Sneaks into Dorothy's room)
DOROTHY: Oh, hey Bear That Scared Trowa.
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: Um . . . roar, grr, uh . . . bark!
DOROTHY: (Blinks) . . . Well, it's obvious you're trying to scare me into unconsciousness as a part of some elaborate scheme thought up by you and all of the members of The Hickory Stumps, minus Quatre because you realize that I have complete and utter control over him and that I am completely ruining the band's reputation. I'm guessing the plan was to put me into a state of unconsciousness and then drag me off to Ms. Relena's mansion where she would chatter endlessly to me about her ideals of peace, thereby driving me insane and saving Quatre from my evil and metaphorical claws. However, your plan is flawed in several areas. You see, little does anyone know, I was actually raised all my life by a political family who were actually kin to a pack of wild bears. Because of this fact, I do not fear bears . . . oh yes . . . and bears don't go 'bark'.
BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Blinks) . . . Witch! Witch! Evil! (Picks Dorothy up, carries her outside, ties her to wooden stake, and sets on fire)
RANDOM ANGRY VILLAGERS: (Holding pitch forks and torches and chanting) Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
~*~*~
ZECHS: Well, the plan didn't go quite as planned although it did diminish the Catalonia crisis. A few days later, things were back to normal.
CAMERA: (Fades in on five boys backstage just before a concert)
~*~*~
DUO: So tell me Quatre, you miss Dorothy?
QUATRE: Dorothy? Dorothy who?
DUO: (Looks back and Trowa, Wufei, Heero, and Bear That Scared Trowa and winks)
ANOUNCER ON STAGE: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for. Put your hands together for . . . (Dramatic Drum Roll) The Hickory Stumps!
ALL EXCEPT BEAR THAT SCARED TROWA: (Run out on stage)
AUDIENCE: YAY!
~*~*~
ZECHS: (Smiles) And that's the story folks. The Hickory Stumps were once again at the top of the charts with all new, and popular songs such as, "My Ma, My Aunt", and "Ain't Nothin' Wrong With Bein' Cross Eyed". The boys played and toured together for many years afterwards and they all lived happily ever after. Now all five of them are filthy rich and don't have to work because even though they're retired, people still keep buying their albums and they keep making money, whereas I'm stuck in this dead end community service job, and living in a small apartment with no pluming. (Chuckles) Well that's it for us tonight. Join us next time on another Oz Exclusive Inside Peek.
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LADY UNE: And cut. That's that people, let's all go home.
EVERYONE: Yay.
ZECHS: (Walks off stage)
LADY UNE: Good show tonight Zechs.
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: (Comes up to Une and Zechs) Mr. Zechs, here's your coffee.
ZECHS: (Takes cup, sips coffee) Wait a minute . . . this is a cappuccino! I hate cappuccino! (Takes out gun, shoots Random Soldier #5)
RANDOM SOLDIER #5: (Falls down)
LADY UNE: You do know that you just added 2 more years onto this whole community service deal, don't you?
ZECHS: (Frowns) Aw, damn it! You're right. Man, I gotta go to some anger management.
LADY UNE and ZECHS: (Walking toward studio exit)
LADY UNE: Hey, we all have bad days.
ZECHS: I guess you're right. Whatever happened to Noin?
LADY UNE: Something about an addiction to anti-depressants, I think she checked into rehab.
ZECHS: Oh yeah?
LADY UNE: (Flips off studio lights as she and Zechs walk out) Yeah, we should visit her.
ZECHS: Sounds like fun . . .
LADY UNE and ZECHS: (Voices fade off into distance)
-Owari.
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A/N: I know I put some major Dorothy bashing in here, but I didn't really mean to, I mean, I like Dorothy, so sorry if I offended anyone. Oh yeah, and sorry this thing was so utterly strange . . . eheh . . . the mind of a crazy person . . . ^_^,
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