A/N: I'm SO sorry this took so long to get updated…I literally haven't had the inspiration or the time since the last chapter! I have several wonderful reviewers to thank, for hassling me into posting more and actually finishing this story! Here is one more chapter, but don't worry, it's not the end. J
DEFEATED WE RISE
By: Lily Shouk
Slowly, I let my eyes slide open, re-adjusting them to the sunlight. Then I smiled the smile of a very contented man. Her arm was still slung across my chest and her breath came slowly, evenly. She still slept.
Life was beautiful. After six years of holding my breath and hoping, living alone and miserable and regretting everything I had ever done, things had gone my way, and I was re-united with the one woman I truly loved. When I was sixteen, I was still young and foolish; I didn't fully comprehend what true love was—I couldn't grasp how painful it would be to be separated. I didn't really realize that she was it, she was the One, there wouldn't be another.
Yet, my mind still questioned. All of my naïve ideals from so many years ago popped up and a deep part of me was torn, absolutely painfully saddened to see this woman broken enough to give up the one thing she believed in, the one thing she had worked for, risked her life for, for a wretched, conniving man like me.
I still don't how it had happened, but I remember the very day that I realized I had turned into my father. I had lost my youthfulness, my hope, the shard of innocence which was my own. I was a hateful, murderous bastard, and there was absolutely no going back. No, I couldn't let this woman, this beautiful creature, the one thing I loved more than life itself, stay here, with me. I would have to set her free.
Agitated by this sudden realization, I jumped out of bed, startling her awake. The world froze as her eyelids opened into the cascading sunlight, confusion briefly marring her features before a look of complicity settled in.
"Draco! How late is it?" It was strange to hear anyone call me by my first name. Usually, it was Mr. Malfoy this, Mr. Malfoy that.
"It's only half-past nine, Hermione." I pulled my robe around me and began to stare out of the window, trying to ignore her and sort out all the thoughts going through my head.
***
He seemed so distant, so cool, so alone. It was everything I could do to keep from crying. I didn't want to betray him, but I couldn't bear to be around a man so disassociated from the boy I had loved so many years before. The loving youthfulness, the desire to help another human being, despite socially imposed hate, was entirely lacking. In short, Draco was the spitting image of his father.
Yet, only last night, after he thought I was asleep, the boy had crept out and he had said the things I had been waiting my whole life to hear. He said he had always loved me. This man was, in fact, everything my heart desired. I stifled a groan and turned onto my side. Draco didn't flinch, and continued looking out of the balcony window.
What was I to do? I could be foolish, like I had been so many years ago, and let my heart get carried away with things, only this time, the consequences would be even worse: I would be a traitor and a Death Eater's wife. I could completely ignore my heart and destroy any remnants of love left in his heart, by betraying his trust (like he had mine), and destroying Voldemort's invincibility.
Unfortunately, neither option sounded particularly appealing, so I decided to stall for time.
***
"Dra—"
"Her—"
"Oh, sorry! Oh, no, go ahead!" We exclaimed simultaneously, all politeness and formality.
"Really, ladies first."
"Oh, but it wasn't in the least bit important."
Well. I'll be damned. I'd finally decided to tell her the whole story, the whole truth, and she had to go try to say something. My courage was dangerously wavering. I didn't want this woman to be a Death Eater's wife. I didn't want to fight on this side of the war anymore.
"Hermione…."
***
He whirled around to face me, my name whispering from his lips like a leaf in the breeze. His eyes were crazed and pained and my heart contracted in a mixture of pity and fear. Had he found me out?
"Hermione, I…I need to talk to you about that last night…you know, in the Astronomy Tower…" he paused to clear his throat "at Hogwarts." Suddenly, he was the boy I had fallen in love with and I wasn't entirely sure what had changed but my blood was rushing in my ears and my breath was caught in my throat.
I whispered a meager 'yes?' and he looked down at the floor and scuffed his foot along the wood, stalling for time, seeming to gather his courage. I wrapped the sheet around myself and propped up in bed. It was a wonder that a man of such repute could act so uncertain in his own home.
His head whipped up again and he said, very clearly, so that I could hear every word for what it was, "I never wanted to be a Death Eater. Not after I met you."
I couldn't quite understand. Then why had he left? Why had he done all these things, why was I in a Death Eater's mansion?
"Do you remember that Christmas break? The one where you asked me to research your amulet?"
I nodded a mute yes as my cheeks burned and his eyes bore into mine. Suddenly his eyes clouded over and I knew he had been transported into his memories.
" I was sitting alone in the library. My father had already been questioning me, he already knew something strange was going on. I had gotten a few moments alone and was researching the amulet, when I finally hit on it. I had just discovered the power you had wrapped around your neck, I had just gotten the sweet taste of success, when I noticed the shadow over my shoulder and my father asked me who had this amulet. He already knew it was you and he wanted it for his Lord." I watched as his eyes clouded over in pain and his throat reflexively swallowed. I leaned forward, wanting to jump up and grab his hand, but I knew he had to get it out, I knew, with a sharp stab of guilt, that he had been waiting to tell me for six years.
"He threatened me with the Cruciatus and Imperious curses, and I told him it was you. I told him I loved you and he reminded me that I had promised to serve Voldemort. I said I didn't want to and he reminded me that I didn't have a choice. I tried to defy him, being young and naïve, but he simply put me under the Imperious curse and got his way. He dictated that Christmas note, and hand-selected your Christmas present, a ring which tracked your every movement. I was powerless to stop him." Now his face was marred by a hate so deep for the man he called father that I almost shrunk away in fear.
"That night he threw me in the dungeons and let me starve. After a few days I realized there was only one thing to do, to protect you. I knew that if I didn't take the amulet from you someone else would, someone who didn't love you and would kill you without another thought. So I bargained with my father and I bargained with Voldemort; I promised them that I would get the amulet for them, if they, in turn, would promise to never kill you. I did what I had to do and I'm sorry." He came out of his trance and looked at me, pain lancing through his eyes, and I jumped up and ran to him, overwhelmed by his love and his purity and his righteousness. He had lived six years of hell for me, and I was planning on delivering a lifetime to him. All my previous plans were destroyed in that moment, as I threw my arms around him and showered him in kisses and he laughed and he cried. Then he cautiously pulled away, and whispered, "You don't seem so anxious to become a Death Eater's wife after all."
I hung my head guiltily and swallowed reflexively, under his suddenly stern gaze. "I…well, Draco…I have my own story to tell."
***
She looked up at me, cautiously, shamefully, and motioned for me to sit. Somehow, I felt like I was walking a death sentence. If she didn't want to be a Death Eater, then she'd had me…then…No. I would let her explain. I looked at her expectantly.
"Draco, you have to understand that when you left my whole world shattered again." I looked up, worried. Had she started cutting again? "Thanks to you, I had gotten over my self-destructive phase…" she paused and smiled at me "but, unfortunately, this left me with a huge pool of hate and frustration. As a child, I always wanted to be a teacher. After you left, after you betrayed me (you have to look at things from my point of view), I renounced that and vowed to spend my life avenging my parents' death and ending Voldemort's reign. I made it my mission to get that amulet back. I trained as an Auror, studying with the best Auror's of our time, fueled by a confused mix of hatred and love (I still loved you) which ended up making me the most powerful Auror of my class and time." She looked at me with shame and regret pasted across her face.
"Draco, I always loved you, but I gave up on our love being mutual. I figured, if a man could betray someone so entirely, for a beast, for insubstantial power, he couldn't have any grasp on love and…couldn't be hurt by my plan. I planned on using you, abusing our relationship. I planned on using you as my pawn, to complete my mission, even at the risk of my own death." She smiled ruefully, "I figured, at least I'd have a few moments with you before I died, and at least I'd avenge my parents. I'm so sorry."
I looked at her uncertainly. If she was apologizing, had she already done something?
"Hermione" my voice sounded harsh and cold and she flinched, " what have you done?"
"I-I haven't actually done anything…I'm just sorry for what I was going to do." A lone tear slid down her cheek and she shook her head in wonder.
Gently, I said, "Please tell me what you were going to do."
She looked at me and mouthed another 'sorry' before taking a deep breath and continuing. "In your parting letter you said that if I ever wished to reconsider, I was always welcome with you, as a Death Eater. I now realize you said it but didn't expect anything to come of it…but this was the beginning of my awful plan. I trained for years to be the best, strongest, fittest, smartest Auror. I finally succeeded, and was ready to put my plan into action. I hadn't even told Harry and Ron about it, really. I led the troops into the Apartments, then I went up to you and told you I'd made a mistake…from that moment on, I was playing a character, Draco. I was lying. Except…except when we made love, because, well, it would have been impossible for me to pretend." I knew she had been a virgin, but now I saw it in a whole new light; her virginity had been her trump card, filling me with a masculine pride at being the one man she had ever wanted. It had sealed her sweet deal.
***
I watched with horror as all sorts of emotions flitted across his face, settling on bitterness, and, yes, hatred.
"I can't believe you! You actually used your sexuality to manipulate me! Who are you?" He shook his head and looked away from me in disgust, in horror.
"Draco!" It was all I could choke out. Did he actually think I had saved my virginity to manipulate him? I had saved it because I loved him and no one else came close. "You don't think…you don't think I would actually…" Then I was crying, crying in horror at the mess that lay before my feet. All I had wanted was a simple love, a pure love. Instead, I was left with this chaos, this infinite pit of hellish surprises.
"When I said I wanted to be a Death Eater, I was lying, Draco. But when said I loved you, when I made love to you, that was Hermione. That was me, and that was as truthful as I'm ever going to get. It was tainted with bad intentions, but the act itself was pure and honest. You've got to believe me. Please, Draco."
Silence hung thick in the air, my stomach knotted itself, and he seemed to be evenly thinking things over. I couldn't really tell, because he'd pulled one of his tricks, and blocked all emotion from his face. "I don't really know what to say, Hermione. I feel cheated. I didn't think you were capable of doing something like that, especially to someone you said you loved. I don't know what to think or who to believe and I believe we've really dug ourselves into a mess this time." His face fell and I could see disappointment eating out his eyes. He stood up and walked over to the window, his back to me. Looking out the window, he continued to speak. "I really hate this Death Eater role. I was really hoping that I would have something come into my life which would make it worth risking, throwing away. Hermione…" Need drenched his voice but there was something else, something which made me clench in fear and I had a feeling that I was about to lose it all, lose everything I'd ever wanted, because of my stupid, frightful plan. I was an idiot, and he knew everything. I was trapped.
It all happened in a flash. His wand was out, then I was bound in the air and floating next to him. He shook his head and said, "I really hate to have to do this."
***
My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I loved her more than anything, but time and a war had come between us and I had chosen my place in the world long ago. I took her back to the dungeons despite a soul screaming against my every step. Because she was floating above me, her tears showered down on me like the rain, and her screams rang through the halls, echoing in terror and disbelief.