Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story except the plot. But I would
be willing to trade that for any of the MALE characters in Harry Potter.
Just something to think about, Mrs. Rowling. Plus, Stacy (mysterywriter)
helped me with this whole story (plus many others) when I got writers block
(which ALWAYS happens).
************************************************************************
Chapter 5: Getting Down and Dirty
Before Hermione could explain to Ron that she had been temporarily insane at the time she accepted the proposal, he turned on his heal and went to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Hermione tried to go and follow him, but Krum was holding onto her hand like a fat man to his baklava.
"So, how has my bride-to-be been?" Krum asked, hugging Hermione tight to his side. She was about to tell him that, after two years, when she doesn't return his calls or letters, it means that she despises him and, obviously, the engagement is off. But, before she could so much as open her mouth, Hermione heard a groan come for Harry's bedroom.
"Excuse me a second." Hermione said, ripping her hand out of Krum's. She half ran to Harry's bedroom, and found him just starting to sit up.
"Harry!" Hermione squealed, running over to him and attacking him with a huge hug.
"Hey Mione." Harry choked, wishing that Hermione would stop cutting off his air supply. "What'd I miss?"
"Well, Ron and I kissed." Hermione said with a tiny smile. This smile disappeared when she added, "But Krum came."
"And that's bad because...?"
"I'm still engaged to him." Hermione said, cringing at the words.
"You're what?" Harry asked. "Did you just forget to mention to Krum that you threw away the ring and wanted him out of your life?"
"It... slipped my mind." Hermione said innocently. Harry didn't look convinced. "I just accepted the proposal because I had convinced myself that Ron would never like me. It's would just seem too mean to tell Krum, 'you were just a pawn in my sick and twisted game of love.'"
"You could at least mention to the guy that you don't even like him." Harry said. Hermione opened her mouth to say something, but what sounded like a banshee shriek stopped her. She stepped out into the hall to see what the hell was making that noise. I dieing cat? An insane bird? But what Hermione's eyes landed on turned out to be an actual banshee. Brigit.
Ron was by the front door, kissing Brigit. Hermione gasped, which, to her dismay, didn't get their attention. She ran back to the bedroom to tell Harry.
"Ron is kissing that... that.... THING in the hallway!" Hermione whispered frantically, not wanting Ron and Brigit to hear.
Harry pulled out his wand and put a silencing charm on the room. "Go on, let it out." He said, preparing himself for the worst.
"HE'S FUCKING SNOGGING THAT BITCH! THE FUCKING COW! WHORE! SLUT! DAMN EVERY BLOND HAIRED, BIG BOOBED, NO BRAINED HOOKER WHO JUST DECIDES TO PRANCE IN HERE AND FUCKING KISS THE ONE MAN WHO I COULD ACTUALLY BE HAPPY WITH! DAMN THEM ALL!!!!"
"...Are you done?" Harry asked politely, looking at a very winded Hermione.
"Yes." Hermione said quietly, brushing back a few strands of hair that had fallen across her face.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Harry asked.
Hermione thought for a bit, then said, with an evil smile, "I'll make him jealous."
"That's not what I was going for." Harry started, but knew that it wouldn't do any good. Once Hermione had a plan, she'd be damned if she didn't go through with it.
"You can't be awake." Hermione said wildly. "You have to go back to being unconscious."
"Ummm, that's a little hard to do." Harry said.
"You know what I mean." Hermione sighed. "Just pretend to be unconscious."
"Why?"
"It will give me more time. That way me and Ron have to be in the same place." Harry looked hesitant. "Oh, come on Harry." Hermione pleaded. "You've told me a million times to act on how I feel. This is my one chance. Please?"
"Fine." Harry sighed. "But you have to come in and tell me what's going on. And bring me food, I'm starving."
"Deal." Hermione smiled. She dashed out of the room, and found Ron and Brigit sitting on the couch, making small talk with Krum.
Hermione walked into the room and sat herself down right on Krum's lap. She smiled at the look on Ron's face. He quickly put his arm around Brigit.
"So, what are we talking about?" Hermione asked sweetly. Brigit started talking, probably about her clothes. But Hermione wasn't listening. She was concentrating all of her energy on watching Ron, discreetly of course. She saw Brigit put her hand on Ron's thigh, so Hermione decided to level the playing field. She did the same to Krum, and, suddenly, there was a little.... bulge in his pants, that cut straight into her butt. And, when I say little, I'm being generous. The man might be huge, but he's not so big down south.
~*~*~*~
That night was not a good nights sleep for one Hermione Granger. Brigit and Krum were staying since everyone but Hermione thought that Harry was still unconscious. But he was anything but that. Hermione had to hide food in places that she'd rather not talk about, and bring them into Harry's room. So far, she'd had a cookie down her pants, a box of cereal up her shirt, and an apple in her bra (two actually, so that she didn't look unbalanced). Of course, Harry didn't know that the food he was shoving in his mouth had been in Hermione's naughty places, she just kept that to herself.
Krum and she were staying in the spare bedroom. In the same bed. Together. Which was no cup of tea for Hermione. Krum was a big boy, but he took up way more then his share of the double bed. He'd hug her next to him until he drifted off to sleep. Which was about the time Hermione would do her version of the hug-and-roll (see Friends episode). This method involved her pushing Krum over to his side of the bed, and hitting him multiple times (he was a VERY heavy sleeper). She would then make an 'ick!' noise as she tried to shake off all of the Krum cooties that might have crawled onto her at some point during the hugging process.
~*~*~*~
Hermione and Krum went out to lunch during the afternoon, and came back around three. Hermione threw the door open loudly and announced that they were home. She then proceeded to make out with Krum in the doorway. During this, she was convinced that he was going to eat her alive. She felt that if she didn't open her mouth just as wide as his, then he would swallow her whole. The kiss was sloppy and disgusting, not something that Hermione would want to do in her spare time.
"Ron's not here." Harry said, walking out of his bedroom and into the kitchen. Hermione quickly stopped kissing Krum, and had to hit him a few times before he would let go of her.
"Damnit." Hermione said under her breath. "Where'd they go?" she asked, deserting her 'fiancé' and following Harry into the kitchen.
"Out shopping I think." Harry said, pouring himself some orange juice. "I wouldn't know though. It's a little hard to hear them when I'm pretending to be unconscious." He said, looking up at Hermione in a you- should-feel-guilty way.
"It'll only be a few more days..." Hermione said confidently. "Anyways, you better get back into the bedroom." Harry groaned in annoyance. "Come on." She said, pulling his arm and forcing him to follow her. "Ron might be home any second. I don't want him to see you."
Harry reluctantly got under the covers. Hermione sat on the end of the bed.
"If I don't get Ron's attention soon, I think I'm just going to break up with Krum." She confessed. "He's driving me absolutely insane! And I don't think any man is worth this much suffering."
"Even Ron?" Harry asked.
"Krum snores, Harry." Hermione said seriously. "You don't understand. He also kisses like a dog."
"That bad, huh?" Harry asked.
"Yeah. But I still don't know how I'm going to tell him that the engagement is off. It's going to crush him." Hermione said, looking almost sorry for him.
"You could practice on me." Harry said happily, glad to have some form of entertainment. And if knowing the exact words that were going to crush Krum's heart weren't entertainment, then Harry didn't know what was.
"Really?" Hermione asked with a smile. "Okay." She took a deep breath and looked right at Harry, who had suddenly started to slouch and look a little confused. "... what are you doing?" Hermione asked.
"Just getting into character." Harry said with a smirk.
Hermione laughed, then took another big breath. "Krum? I've been thinking about this for a really long time, and I just don't think that this is working out. I'm really sorry, but I'm calling off the engagement." She pause for a second. "I'd give you the ring back, but I threw- I mean, dropped it down my garbage disposal."
Harry nodded knowingly. "Let me just ask you one question Hermione." He said in a low voice that was mimicking Krum's. "... Do you like my hair?" he asked, slicking it back with one hand. "I mean, some days I look in the mirror and I'm like, 'cool' and other days I'm like 'not so cool.' And, today, I was like 'right side, cool. Left side, not so cool.'"
"Ha ha ha." Hermione sighed sarcastically. She glanced at her watch and said, "Oh crap. I got to go. Krum and I are going shopping. And, hopefully, we'll run into Ron."
"Making Krum walk three steps behind you?" Harry asked, not the least bit surprised.
"Four." Hermione answered with a laugh. "And then I ditch him at the Quidditch shop so I can go look at clothes without him constantly asking me to try on the lingerie for him." She sighed, shaking her head. "So, basically, I bring the guy around to make Ron jealous, and ditch him when I'm done."
Harry looked at Hermione with another one of his looks that screamed, 'you heartless demon, why aren't you feeling guilty?!'
"What?!" Hermione asked defensively. "It's tough love. The guy needs to get some balls."
"So THAT'S what your shopping for." Harry laughed, dodging a punch from Hermione.
~*~*~*~
OKAY! Time for thank yous!
Eedoe- omg, you're review had me laughing so hard! "Holy bugarian seekers batman!" lol! Batman? I never even thought of that!
TheSilverLady- lol, "holy crap!", that was just about everyone's reaction. As for updating soon? I prefer making you guys suffer. *evil cackle*
Awonkachonka()- Actually, I quite enjoyed your blabbering! I'm so happy that you like it!!! First time in humor, huh? You should visit more often! We might be weird, but (hopefully) we make you laugh! Please, blabber more, it makes me smile :) BTW: thank you so much for reviewing 'Girl's Night' and 'Yule Ball'! Thank you for pointing out the Fleetwood Mac thing. I can't believe I forgot that!
Straycat- lol, had to pick whipped cream out of your ears, huh? Well, at least you had fun! I am happy that I got you addicted....wait, now I sound like the tobacco company. Anyways, I don't think you'd be able to seek help even if you tried. The Nicole-fic rehab center is still under construction. BTW: thank you so much for reviewing Lavender's Inner Eye!!! : D
Moony- "WTF?" *smiles* that is the EXACT reaction I was going for! I hope that this chapter aided your confused mind. lol
Krystal1989- :) I will try my best to "keep up the good work" on this story. Just as long as you guys aren't using it as a sedative, I'm happy.
Trickhayden- I hope that this chapter cleared all of those questions up for you. It's bazaar, I know, but I needed a twist!
Pixi Punkrocker- "A toaster dun play toons... it cooks bread" wow, wise words. lol, and I loved your valley girl approach to the Krum/Hermione engagement.
Elizabeth Frost/Angelic Ashley- Wow, you are really good at dialogue! BTW: thank you for telling me that this is similar to the Fellytones story. I was worrying about that, and, hopefully, I am going in a different direction. I asked one of my friends, who has also read Fellytones, to read this, and she said that it started out similar, but went in a different direction later on. But, just to make sure, please tell me if it continues to be similar. Thank you so much for being honest!
Princessflowerchild- Don't we all hate that feeling? lol, but thanks for comforting Ron. I'm sure he appreciated it.
OtterMoon- I share your feelings of hate toward Krum. Just when Ron has started to see the light, Krum just has to come and turn the power off..... or something to that affect. I'm sure that they will be fine with their own brains, or lack of, for the time being.
Exlibris- I would be more then happy to consider you my 'bigger fan'. You said so many nice things, I wanna jump through the screen and give you a hug! But, since that is currently impossible, you'll just have to settle for this; THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
Niki-chan- Starting off on a new foot sound good. Thank you so much for saying that the title and summary grab you into the story, that was EXACTLY what I was going for! I'm glad that you are warming up to the swearing cause there's going to be plenty more where that came from. Actually, this was the chapter with the most swearing, what with Hermione's outburst and all. I'm also glad that you understand why the swearing is there. As for the Bam... Pow stuff, I donno why I did that. It was sort of a spur of the moment kinda thing. I suppose I was just in a Batman kinda mood (see my response to eedoe).
I love ya'll! Thanks so much for the reviews!
************************************************************************
A/N: The paragraph where Harry asked Hermione about his hair comes straight out of a Gilmore Girls episode. I don't know which one, I just thought it was cute, so I put it in there. It just seemed like a very 'Krum' thing to say.
The Friend episode I was talking about was when Ross teaches Chandler to do the hug-and-roll to Janice. First, you hug her, then slowly roll her over to her side of the bed. Hug for her. Roll for you. No one but a Friends fanatic such as myself would know.
...... I quote far too many TV shows...... it's a sickness, really.
BTW: If you want me to e-mail you when I update, just tell me your e-mail address in the review. I'd be happy to :)
************************************************************************
Chapter 5: Getting Down and Dirty
Before Hermione could explain to Ron that she had been temporarily insane at the time she accepted the proposal, he turned on his heal and went to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Hermione tried to go and follow him, but Krum was holding onto her hand like a fat man to his baklava.
"So, how has my bride-to-be been?" Krum asked, hugging Hermione tight to his side. She was about to tell him that, after two years, when she doesn't return his calls or letters, it means that she despises him and, obviously, the engagement is off. But, before she could so much as open her mouth, Hermione heard a groan come for Harry's bedroom.
"Excuse me a second." Hermione said, ripping her hand out of Krum's. She half ran to Harry's bedroom, and found him just starting to sit up.
"Harry!" Hermione squealed, running over to him and attacking him with a huge hug.
"Hey Mione." Harry choked, wishing that Hermione would stop cutting off his air supply. "What'd I miss?"
"Well, Ron and I kissed." Hermione said with a tiny smile. This smile disappeared when she added, "But Krum came."
"And that's bad because...?"
"I'm still engaged to him." Hermione said, cringing at the words.
"You're what?" Harry asked. "Did you just forget to mention to Krum that you threw away the ring and wanted him out of your life?"
"It... slipped my mind." Hermione said innocently. Harry didn't look convinced. "I just accepted the proposal because I had convinced myself that Ron would never like me. It's would just seem too mean to tell Krum, 'you were just a pawn in my sick and twisted game of love.'"
"You could at least mention to the guy that you don't even like him." Harry said. Hermione opened her mouth to say something, but what sounded like a banshee shriek stopped her. She stepped out into the hall to see what the hell was making that noise. I dieing cat? An insane bird? But what Hermione's eyes landed on turned out to be an actual banshee. Brigit.
Ron was by the front door, kissing Brigit. Hermione gasped, which, to her dismay, didn't get their attention. She ran back to the bedroom to tell Harry.
"Ron is kissing that... that.... THING in the hallway!" Hermione whispered frantically, not wanting Ron and Brigit to hear.
Harry pulled out his wand and put a silencing charm on the room. "Go on, let it out." He said, preparing himself for the worst.
"HE'S FUCKING SNOGGING THAT BITCH! THE FUCKING COW! WHORE! SLUT! DAMN EVERY BLOND HAIRED, BIG BOOBED, NO BRAINED HOOKER WHO JUST DECIDES TO PRANCE IN HERE AND FUCKING KISS THE ONE MAN WHO I COULD ACTUALLY BE HAPPY WITH! DAMN THEM ALL!!!!"
"...Are you done?" Harry asked politely, looking at a very winded Hermione.
"Yes." Hermione said quietly, brushing back a few strands of hair that had fallen across her face.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Harry asked.
Hermione thought for a bit, then said, with an evil smile, "I'll make him jealous."
"That's not what I was going for." Harry started, but knew that it wouldn't do any good. Once Hermione had a plan, she'd be damned if she didn't go through with it.
"You can't be awake." Hermione said wildly. "You have to go back to being unconscious."
"Ummm, that's a little hard to do." Harry said.
"You know what I mean." Hermione sighed. "Just pretend to be unconscious."
"Why?"
"It will give me more time. That way me and Ron have to be in the same place." Harry looked hesitant. "Oh, come on Harry." Hermione pleaded. "You've told me a million times to act on how I feel. This is my one chance. Please?"
"Fine." Harry sighed. "But you have to come in and tell me what's going on. And bring me food, I'm starving."
"Deal." Hermione smiled. She dashed out of the room, and found Ron and Brigit sitting on the couch, making small talk with Krum.
Hermione walked into the room and sat herself down right on Krum's lap. She smiled at the look on Ron's face. He quickly put his arm around Brigit.
"So, what are we talking about?" Hermione asked sweetly. Brigit started talking, probably about her clothes. But Hermione wasn't listening. She was concentrating all of her energy on watching Ron, discreetly of course. She saw Brigit put her hand on Ron's thigh, so Hermione decided to level the playing field. She did the same to Krum, and, suddenly, there was a little.... bulge in his pants, that cut straight into her butt. And, when I say little, I'm being generous. The man might be huge, but he's not so big down south.
~*~*~*~
That night was not a good nights sleep for one Hermione Granger. Brigit and Krum were staying since everyone but Hermione thought that Harry was still unconscious. But he was anything but that. Hermione had to hide food in places that she'd rather not talk about, and bring them into Harry's room. So far, she'd had a cookie down her pants, a box of cereal up her shirt, and an apple in her bra (two actually, so that she didn't look unbalanced). Of course, Harry didn't know that the food he was shoving in his mouth had been in Hermione's naughty places, she just kept that to herself.
Krum and she were staying in the spare bedroom. In the same bed. Together. Which was no cup of tea for Hermione. Krum was a big boy, but he took up way more then his share of the double bed. He'd hug her next to him until he drifted off to sleep. Which was about the time Hermione would do her version of the hug-and-roll (see Friends episode). This method involved her pushing Krum over to his side of the bed, and hitting him multiple times (he was a VERY heavy sleeper). She would then make an 'ick!' noise as she tried to shake off all of the Krum cooties that might have crawled onto her at some point during the hugging process.
~*~*~*~
Hermione and Krum went out to lunch during the afternoon, and came back around three. Hermione threw the door open loudly and announced that they were home. She then proceeded to make out with Krum in the doorway. During this, she was convinced that he was going to eat her alive. She felt that if she didn't open her mouth just as wide as his, then he would swallow her whole. The kiss was sloppy and disgusting, not something that Hermione would want to do in her spare time.
"Ron's not here." Harry said, walking out of his bedroom and into the kitchen. Hermione quickly stopped kissing Krum, and had to hit him a few times before he would let go of her.
"Damnit." Hermione said under her breath. "Where'd they go?" she asked, deserting her 'fiancé' and following Harry into the kitchen.
"Out shopping I think." Harry said, pouring himself some orange juice. "I wouldn't know though. It's a little hard to hear them when I'm pretending to be unconscious." He said, looking up at Hermione in a you- should-feel-guilty way.
"It'll only be a few more days..." Hermione said confidently. "Anyways, you better get back into the bedroom." Harry groaned in annoyance. "Come on." She said, pulling his arm and forcing him to follow her. "Ron might be home any second. I don't want him to see you."
Harry reluctantly got under the covers. Hermione sat on the end of the bed.
"If I don't get Ron's attention soon, I think I'm just going to break up with Krum." She confessed. "He's driving me absolutely insane! And I don't think any man is worth this much suffering."
"Even Ron?" Harry asked.
"Krum snores, Harry." Hermione said seriously. "You don't understand. He also kisses like a dog."
"That bad, huh?" Harry asked.
"Yeah. But I still don't know how I'm going to tell him that the engagement is off. It's going to crush him." Hermione said, looking almost sorry for him.
"You could practice on me." Harry said happily, glad to have some form of entertainment. And if knowing the exact words that were going to crush Krum's heart weren't entertainment, then Harry didn't know what was.
"Really?" Hermione asked with a smile. "Okay." She took a deep breath and looked right at Harry, who had suddenly started to slouch and look a little confused. "... what are you doing?" Hermione asked.
"Just getting into character." Harry said with a smirk.
Hermione laughed, then took another big breath. "Krum? I've been thinking about this for a really long time, and I just don't think that this is working out. I'm really sorry, but I'm calling off the engagement." She pause for a second. "I'd give you the ring back, but I threw- I mean, dropped it down my garbage disposal."
Harry nodded knowingly. "Let me just ask you one question Hermione." He said in a low voice that was mimicking Krum's. "... Do you like my hair?" he asked, slicking it back with one hand. "I mean, some days I look in the mirror and I'm like, 'cool' and other days I'm like 'not so cool.' And, today, I was like 'right side, cool. Left side, not so cool.'"
"Ha ha ha." Hermione sighed sarcastically. She glanced at her watch and said, "Oh crap. I got to go. Krum and I are going shopping. And, hopefully, we'll run into Ron."
"Making Krum walk three steps behind you?" Harry asked, not the least bit surprised.
"Four." Hermione answered with a laugh. "And then I ditch him at the Quidditch shop so I can go look at clothes without him constantly asking me to try on the lingerie for him." She sighed, shaking her head. "So, basically, I bring the guy around to make Ron jealous, and ditch him when I'm done."
Harry looked at Hermione with another one of his looks that screamed, 'you heartless demon, why aren't you feeling guilty?!'
"What?!" Hermione asked defensively. "It's tough love. The guy needs to get some balls."
"So THAT'S what your shopping for." Harry laughed, dodging a punch from Hermione.
~*~*~*~
OKAY! Time for thank yous!
Eedoe- omg, you're review had me laughing so hard! "Holy bugarian seekers batman!" lol! Batman? I never even thought of that!
TheSilverLady- lol, "holy crap!", that was just about everyone's reaction. As for updating soon? I prefer making you guys suffer. *evil cackle*
Awonkachonka()- Actually, I quite enjoyed your blabbering! I'm so happy that you like it!!! First time in humor, huh? You should visit more often! We might be weird, but (hopefully) we make you laugh! Please, blabber more, it makes me smile :) BTW: thank you so much for reviewing 'Girl's Night' and 'Yule Ball'! Thank you for pointing out the Fleetwood Mac thing. I can't believe I forgot that!
Straycat- lol, had to pick whipped cream out of your ears, huh? Well, at least you had fun! I am happy that I got you addicted....wait, now I sound like the tobacco company. Anyways, I don't think you'd be able to seek help even if you tried. The Nicole-fic rehab center is still under construction. BTW: thank you so much for reviewing Lavender's Inner Eye!!! : D
Moony- "WTF?" *smiles* that is the EXACT reaction I was going for! I hope that this chapter aided your confused mind. lol
Krystal1989- :) I will try my best to "keep up the good work" on this story. Just as long as you guys aren't using it as a sedative, I'm happy.
Trickhayden- I hope that this chapter cleared all of those questions up for you. It's bazaar, I know, but I needed a twist!
Pixi Punkrocker- "A toaster dun play toons... it cooks bread" wow, wise words. lol, and I loved your valley girl approach to the Krum/Hermione engagement.
Elizabeth Frost/Angelic Ashley- Wow, you are really good at dialogue! BTW: thank you for telling me that this is similar to the Fellytones story. I was worrying about that, and, hopefully, I am going in a different direction. I asked one of my friends, who has also read Fellytones, to read this, and she said that it started out similar, but went in a different direction later on. But, just to make sure, please tell me if it continues to be similar. Thank you so much for being honest!
Princessflowerchild- Don't we all hate that feeling? lol, but thanks for comforting Ron. I'm sure he appreciated it.
OtterMoon- I share your feelings of hate toward Krum. Just when Ron has started to see the light, Krum just has to come and turn the power off..... or something to that affect. I'm sure that they will be fine with their own brains, or lack of, for the time being.
Exlibris- I would be more then happy to consider you my 'bigger fan'. You said so many nice things, I wanna jump through the screen and give you a hug! But, since that is currently impossible, you'll just have to settle for this; THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
Niki-chan- Starting off on a new foot sound good. Thank you so much for saying that the title and summary grab you into the story, that was EXACTLY what I was going for! I'm glad that you are warming up to the swearing cause there's going to be plenty more where that came from. Actually, this was the chapter with the most swearing, what with Hermione's outburst and all. I'm also glad that you understand why the swearing is there. As for the Bam... Pow stuff, I donno why I did that. It was sort of a spur of the moment kinda thing. I suppose I was just in a Batman kinda mood (see my response to eedoe).
I love ya'll! Thanks so much for the reviews!
************************************************************************
A/N: The paragraph where Harry asked Hermione about his hair comes straight out of a Gilmore Girls episode. I don't know which one, I just thought it was cute, so I put it in there. It just seemed like a very 'Krum' thing to say.
The Friend episode I was talking about was when Ross teaches Chandler to do the hug-and-roll to Janice. First, you hug her, then slowly roll her over to her side of the bed. Hug for her. Roll for you. No one but a Friends fanatic such as myself would know.
...... I quote far too many TV shows...... it's a sickness, really.
BTW: If you want me to e-mail you when I update, just tell me your e-mail address in the review. I'd be happy to :)