Interlude
Rating: PG-13Not mine ~ they're just borrowing my head for a playground! :0)
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Once again the characters break out to have a conversation with the author. . .
**NOTE: This contains references to other fics I'm working on ~ "Home," "Identity," and "Causa Mortis" ~ alone and with friends. I hope it's not too much for you to follow!
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Woody: Ok, what the hell is the problem? Why are you doing this to me?
What?
Woody: "Didn't your mother ever tell you. . .?" What the hell is up with that. You knew what that would do to Jordan!
Hey, I just type. You're the one who said it.
Woody: But. . . But. . .
But nothing. You had to have wanted to hurt her or you wouldn't have said it.
Woody: Well, I wasn't thrilled with the whole "let's play a joke on Woody" thing, but this is a bit extreme.
Claire: You think that's bad? You should see what she's doing with my boyfriend's head three stories down. In something she's calling "Identity."
Woody: Who the hell are you?
Claire: Claire Kincaid. I was an Assistant District Attorney in New York ~ on another show. I died, but in a lot of people's minds apparently I live on forever.
Don't forget syndication!
Claire: Oh yeah!
Woody: So why are you even here?
Jordan: Claire? Claire? Did I hear someone say Claire? Would you please explain to me who the hell she is?
Woody: I'm trying to get it out of her.
Claire: Yeah, I'm here. Do you have a problem with that?
Jordan: I just. . . Shit! You do look like me.
Claire: Oh my God.
Um y'all? You're played by the same person.
Jordan and Claire: Oh. Ok.
Claire: So why are you messing with Jack?
Woody: Who's Jack?
Jordan: What the hell did you see in him, man? He's been creeping me out. Everyone else accepted stuff before fingerprints, and even those didn't really work.
Claire: Yeah, I'm really NOT understanding that. I mean, you look like me and all that, but. . .
Woody: Wait a minute, has he been threatening you?
Jordan: I wouldn't say threatening but. . .
Woody: Hey author person! Get me three stories down ~ to that "Identity" thing. I've gotta help Jordan out.
You're there ~ by phone but you're there.
Jordan: Her name's Beth. Oh, and Woody, no offense babe, but I don't think. . .
Claire: Jack would eat you alive.
Woody: But, but. . .
Nigel: Don't worry, mate. I'm in that one and I'm looking out for her. And we're on our way back to Boston.
Woody: What? I'm so confused.
Peter: Hey! It's me, Peter. I'm only in that story you keep neglecting. "Home"? Remember that one? Anyway, I think I'm developing a straw allergy. Any chance I'm gonna get out of this Scarecrow costume any time soon?
Everybody chill! I'm doing the best I can! I've got three stories going on my own AND the group thing. It's a little much. Even without y'all popping in and giving your own commentary.
Jordan: Um, guys? You know how I get when things start going weird in my head? I think that's gonna look like a spring shower compared to what we could end up with here if you don't take some pressure off her.
Peter: But. . . Ok, ok. I'll get some Benadryl or something.
Peter, I'm getting there, I'm getting there! I promise. Just go back to the Land of Morgue!
Peter: Fine! I'm outta here.
Nigel: It's ok babe. I know you're trying the best you can. Don't worry about it ~ the train isn't that bad. Speaking of which, I think I saw an attractive young thing headed towards the snack car. I'm going to follow her. Thank you my dear. Excellent choice for the train ride.
Jordan: Speak for yourself. I'm being stared at the whole time by someone who thinks I'm hid dead assistant/girlfriend. In "Identity." In "Home" I'm bouncing around the woods with a scarecrow, a tin man and a lion in red stiletto Jimmy Choo boots. I'm enjoying my break from those right now. They're hot, but they hurt.
Peter: They're smoking! I swear you've got taste.
Jordan: Yeah, Peter? I've been wanting to talk with you about that one.
Peter: Why?
Jordan: Ever seen "Legally Blonde"?
Peter: Ummm…
Jordan: Straight guys don't know fashion!
Peter: What?
Jordan: Woody, what kind of shoes are these?
Woody: Um. . .black ones?
Jordan: Point proved.
Peter: But, but. . .Nigel, help me!
Nigel: I'm taking the Fifth. And going after that cutie in the snack car!
Claire: Wait a minute. Jack's riding in coach? You've got to be kidding me.
It's all the city would spring for on tickets for Jordan and Nigel. And he insisted on staying in the same car.
Claire: Oh.
Woody: Wait a minute. You're in all of her stories?
Jordan: The show is called "Crossing Jordan."
Woody: Oh yeah. But. . .
Don't worry farm boy. You're in all of them too.
Woody: What is this obsession with "The Princess Bride" that you all have? All of you ~ the show's real writers, you, your writing buddies?
It's a wonderful movie. And, well. . .
Jordan: Beth, don't even go there. And Woody! Dude, chill out. You heard all the stuff Dad let fly about me today.
Woody: The stuff that happened in Los Angeles? Jordan, I. . .
Jordan: No one knew about that. Where the hell did it come from?
I don't know. I've been reading books from the Law section of the library and the latest book is about sex crimes.
Jordan: And you do this for fun?
Claire: You're the one who cuts up dead bodies and you're wondering about her sanity?
I'm just doing research.
Jordan: For these stories? Lot of work for something you're not getting paid for.
No, no. It just influenced them. I'm thinking about going to Law School.
Claire: Good choice. Which kind?
Not sure ~ either advocacy with something like the Moratorium Campaign. . .
Claire: My kind of girl. No wonder I decided to get in your head.
. . .Or work as a prosecutor in a Moratorium state and work my way up to working in the Special Victims Bureau.
Claire: Cool.
Woody: Can we get back to the original point of this whole thing?
Claire, Jordan and the author: Which was?
Woody: Why Beth had me say something that insensitive to you, Jordan.
Claire: Wrong one. I'm Claire.
Woody: Oh, sorry.
Jordan: Yes, oh observant one. I've got longer hair. And I smile from time to time.
Claire: And you've got a MUCH better wardrobe.
Jordan: Why thank you!
Excuse me, can we finish this up? Woody, what was the question again?
Woody: Why did I have to say something like that to Jordan?
Oh, that.
Claire: Alright. I'm leaving. But before I do. . .
No, Jordan's not going to sleep with Jack.
Claire: Ok. Good. Thank you.
No problem. Now, who's left.
Woody: Me.
Jordan: Me.
Ok. Jordan, I'm sorry that the stuff that came out did. I didn't know it was going to until Max opened his mouth.
Woody: You do realize how crazy this makes you sound, don't you.
Hey ~ read my disclaimer.
Woody: Oh.
Jordan: But how are things going to. . .
Have you read my chapters for the group fic I'm working on?
Jordan: Um, well. . . I don't remember a lot of it.
Eddie: It's ok. Come on and I'll walk you through it again.
Jordan: Where'd you come from?
Eddie: That group one ~ "Causa Mortis." I'm in the second chapter sitting with you in the hospital and talking with you.
Jordan: Oh yeah. Ok. Thanks Eddie. I guess. I mean I don't remember a lot of it. That methylhexital-scotch combo Tim had them give me really knocked me out of it. I mean, drugged scotch and a trip to Interrogation instead of the ER? What was up with that Beth?
Sorry. That wasn't my section of the story. But I got you there, didn't I.
Eddie: Yeah, with my help!
Jordan: Oh. Ok.
Woody: Wait a minute. First Hector and now Eddie and whoever this Jack guy is are all after her?
Jordan: Woody, Hector is NOT after me. Didn't you learn anything?
Woody: Oh yeah. I forgot. But that doesn't explain Eddie or this Jack guy. You know, Beth, you seem to have this thing for being difficult to guys. What's up with that?
Eddie: Hey, she's always a dream to me in her stories.
Woody: What!?!?!? Not fair!!
Hey, what can I say. I think I'm writing my dream guy when I'm writing Eddie.
Eddie: Aww. Thanks. You're making me blush!
Sorry.
Eddie: It's ok.
Woody: But. . . But. . .
Jordan: I'm outta here. Naked male insecurity really leaves me cold.
Woody: But what does he have that I don't?
Jordan: I give up. Try to talk some sense into him, will ya?
Sure thing babe. I'll do my best.
Woody: Where's she going?
One of my co-authors on the group one needs her to pick up where I left off in my latest addition to that one due out sometime shortly I think. Don't worry. She'll be back.
Woody: Oh. Ok. But. . .
Don't worry. Things will work out as they're meant to.
Woody: Even with this Jack guy?
Hey, I think you're going to like how that turns out ~ even if you were an insensitive jerk earlier today.
Woody: Really?
Yeah. You might even get a bit of a backbone.
Woody: Hey! I've got a backbone. Sort of.
Yeah. Right. You got beat up by a girl!
Woody: That was not my idea. That was Tim's.
Yeah, yeah. Look I do what needs to be done. You're gonna be fine. Just relax.
Woody: I don't know. . .
Hey, dude! Have I ever let you down before?
Woody: No, I guess not.
Alright then. Are you going to let me get back to my stories?
Woody: I suppose so. I'm still not happy with the whole "didn't your mother ever tell you. . ." line. But if you're going to work things out. . .
Hey, you're talking to her in the back corner of the Pogue. That's gotta be a good sign. Trust me.
Woody: Alright. Happy writing.
Hector: Come on my man. I'll buy you a chili-cheeseburger!
Woody: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Thanks dude! Happy playing!
. . .I'll return you to your regularly scheduled story shortly. . .