A Time to Tear Down Walls
Rating: PG-13Not mine ~ they're just borrowing my head for a playground! :0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we reached the table, I sat down in the chair in the corner. This was gonna be one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life. And by sitting in the corner, where I couldn't easily jump up and run out, I was committed to saying what needed to be said ~ or just sitting there for an interminable amount of time. I think Woody understood ~ he must have seen the vulnerability I was showing just by my seat choice. Rather than fully pen me in on one side, he chose the chair directly across from me.
I briefly wished I'd thought to get us some drinks, but oh well. There was no way I was going to be allowed back down at the bar, and no way was Woody going to leave me alone with the chance to run, and no way I wanted a server coming around. I think Dad must have told them to leave us alone because none of them bothered us.
I took a deep breath and prepared to open my mouth.
"Woody, it may not look like it, but in the time that I've known you, I've. . ."
"Jordan, I am so sor-. . ."
"Woody, I don't want to cut you off, but I need to tell you some stuff. And if I don't do it now, I never will. Ok?"
"Ok." He looked across the table at me.
"Woody, I think I've. . .I've. . ." Breathe, Jordan. "Woody, I love you. And frankly it scares the shit out of me. Falling in love isn't safe. And I hate not being safe. But it's happened and there's nothing I can do about it." Damn, that sounded clinical. He seemed to be taking it all in stride. I never told a man I loved him before. . . Maybe this was going to be easier than I thought.
"And I guess there are some things you really need to know.
"Jordan you don't. . ."
"Please? If I don't say this now, I might never say it. I need to put everything on the table now. Before. . .well, just before." Woody only closed his mouth and waited for me to finish. Maybe this wasn't going to as easy as I thought.
"I know Dad just told you one of them, but. . .there's more." Even though he knew about LA, his eyes were filled with such love ~ love like I'd never seen before. Using that to help me summon all my strength, I started to tell my story.
"I'm not going to start with when I was 10 because you know what happened then."
"I'd like to hear it from you." His eyes and his voice were so tender I couldn't resist him.
"Ok. It was a week after my birthday. We had breakfast and Dad walked me to school on his way to work. I had these new shoes Mom gave me for my birthday the week before. New saddle shoes. The white was so clean. I was so proud and so happy to be walking to school holding my Dad's hand. While I was in class, I heard something in the hall and saw the principal and a police officer. They came into my classroom. I knew they were there for me. I though it was Dad. Father Dyer didn't tell me anything other than the officer needed to take me home. They left bad news for parents to deliver. The officer walked me home, but the closer we got, the more panicked I became. I broke out of his hand and ran towards the house, screaming for Mom. She would tell me everything was alright. I got in the living room and stopped. There were people everywhere, and even though it was cold, especially for mid-September, all the windows were open. Mom was lying on the floor, blood pooled around her shoulder. I've never seen red like that. I knew she was dead. I could see everyone's breath but hers.
"I screamed for Dad and saw him in the kitchen surrounded by officers. I could see her blood on him, but I knew it had to be because he'd come home and found her. He'd never do anything to hurt her. I screamed for him. But they wouldn't let him come to me. He yelled my name and told them to let him go to me. But they wouldn't. I watched as they put him in handcuffs and led him away. Then Malden," I shuddered at the name, "took my hand and put me in another squad car and walked me into Children's Services. I stayed in a 'transition house' for a day before they finally got around to giving Dad the paperwork to sign so I could stay with my friend Kim. After a couple of days, they finally decided they didn't have enough evidence to hold Dad so they let him go and I got to go home. It was just Dad and me after that, but we did... ok."
I looked up at Woody to see how he was taking all this. He seemed fine, but I hadn't even started. What to tell him next? I wasn't spilling everything this time, but there were things he needed to know.
"From the time I was about 12 I wanted to be a heart surgeon. I graduated from Tufts and then went on to Med School. I got into a top-notch cardio-thoracic residency at Boston U Medical Center. Then one day I assisted on a surgery, and the patient died. It wasn't my fault, but I knew that the surgeon, the head of my program, the best in the field, had made a mistake. That's when I met Garret for the first time. He was trying to find out what happened for the woman's husband. He wanted me to tell what I knew. At first, in our M and M conference, I lied and said I didn't see anything. I was just a new and lowly resident after all. But a couple of days later I changed my mind. I went to the chief of surgery and told him that I thought a mistake had been made. The tissue he went for was too damaged. Even I saw that. The woman's husband filed a lawsuit against the doctor. And the chief resident saw to it that funding for the residency program was 'cut.' He used the excuse of 'last one hired' and then assured me he'd have me blacklisted so I could never get into any surgical residency program again. My dreams were shattered.
"Later that night, Dad tried to get me to see some reason. Life was not over. There would be a program somewhere I could get into. But I didn't want to hear it." My courage was beginning to falter but the ghost of a smile on Woody's face kept me going.
"I. . .I had a prescription for some sleeping pills. Pretty standard for new residents who get really long, off-beat hours. While Dad was refilling our glasses with scotch, I opened the bottle and poured them into my hand. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. Not consciously anyway. I tossed them all in my mouth and swallowed. Then followed it up with a nice swig of scotch. A few seconds later when I started to go up to my room, I collapsed. Dad called 911 immediately and got me to the hospital. Ironically, they took me to BUMC where my former chief resident was on call in the ER and happened to be the one who took my case. Dad tells me that at one point they lost me and had to shock my heart back into rhythm. Obviously I made it." I tried to laugh, but when I looked up at Woody and he wasn't laughing. Another deep breath and I continued.
"The next day, the jerk had the nerve to come in and see me. Well, as attending, he did have to check up on me. But he said he'd thought things out and cooled down and there was a space for me, so I needed to hurry up and get well because he had a full surgical schedule. The night before, I would have jumped at the chance, but something changed. I turned him down. I didn't know what I was going to do, but somehow I found my way to the Medical Examiner's office and Garret hired me pretty much on the spot. 'Somehow I have a feeling you'll liven up the joint,' were his words I think. Little did he know. . ."
Woody seemed to be holding up alright with all these revelations. And amazingly, I found that the more I talked, the stronger and more confident I felt. Yeah, these were things that happened to me, but they were in my past. Suddenly they didn't feel like the monsters I had let time and my mind turn them into. Yes, they shaped who I was and how I worked, but I didn't have to give into the prison their memories provided. I realized that I really did love Woody. And since he was still sitting there ~ he hadn't run away in disgust at any rate ~ he obviously loved me. Now if we were going to have a chance, he had to understand. It surprised me ~ seeming so out of the character, this persona I'd created for myself ~ but at the same time it felt so right. Another deep breath. . . It was time to get into the harder stuff.
"You already know a little about my history. Issues come up that...brings up my mother's death and I end up getting fired. Well, about 6 years ago it happened the first time. I. . ." Did I really want to go there? Well, if I was going to tell him everything. . . Alright, deep breath.
"I had an affair with a married man. His wife found out and she called me. She asked me what I was doing with her husband. I hung up on her and freaked out. I ran. Not far, just to family. But I didn't tell anyone where I was going. About a week later, I came back and went back to work in the morgue. Things were going to be ok, or so I thought. I was wrong. There was a domestic violence case that came in and landed right on my desk. I was next up. The way she was killed. . .just. . .everything. Something snapped and I started having nightmares. I stopped sleeping altogether. At the time I wasn't letting myself identify it, but now I know. . . My mother cheated on Dad more than just the one time with Malden. I remember when I found out. I went downstairs thinking it was Daddy, but there was a Yankees cap on the table ~ and we do NOT under any circumstances root for the Yankees in our house. I heard them ~ my mother and this. . .this man, I don't know who he was. I just knew it wasn't safe to love anyone. But what did I go and do? I went right down the same path and helped to break someone else's heart. I couldn't face it ~ what I'd done. I couldn't face myself. That's why I ran. It's probably why I went over the edge so quickly. I thought I was becoming my mother. I forced Garret to fire me ~ he didn't have a choice.
"I bounced around for a while. First Chicago, then Atlanta, Denver, and finally Los Angeles. That's where I met Hector. He was a detective. My first solo case with the department, I got called to a house one day for a DV case. The police were 98% sure they had the right guy ~ the husband. I just had to give them the other 2% they'd need. It was vicious. Made what happened to Nicole and Ron ~ the OJ trial? ~ look like child's play. I've never gotten sick at a crime scene before, but that one almost did me in. Blood everywhere. It took me about an hour in autopsy and I had the proof they needed. The SOB had killed her, let her lie in her own blood and then raped the body.
"I took the files down to Hector directly. There was no way we were gonna screw this case up. The ADA had just given the go ahead to formally arrest the creep. I was there when the officers were leading him down the hall to booking. I don't know how he did it, but somehow he got away from them. The incompetent idiots had only cuffed his hands in the front of his body ~ no shackles. He ran up to me and shoved me up against the wall. I can still hear his voice. . .'I'll get you for this you scrawny bitch. No woman's gonna prove anything against me.'" I shuddered as the memory flooded back.
"Hector was there and immediately shoved him against the opposite wall and held him until the uniforms were able to shackle him. The ADA at the station saw everything. But at the arraignment, he couldn't convince the idiot judge to set a high bail. The SOB had no kids, and other than some DV cases involving the now-deceased wife, there was nothing in his file. He was one of those 'respected businessmen' who's only respected because everyone else is threatened by him with a job. The ADA told the judge about what happened in the station, but he wouldn't listen. The idiot granted him a ridiculously low bail and the guy was out in a matter of hours.
"Hector went straight to the chief of police and told him they had to provide some protection for me. The scumbag knew who I was and it wouldn't be that hard for him to track me down. Hec and at least a dozen other people including the ADA heard him threaten me. But the chief wouldn't listen. They were under a mega-tight budget and he 'couldn't spare any officers from the streets' or ask any of them to volunteer for extra time without pay. Hector stared him down and said that he'd do it then, no matter what it took. He walked out of the building and headed straight for the ME's office.
"After everything that had happened, I was way too shaky to do anything, and my boss, in an inexplicable fit of niceness agreed to let me go home. I didn't have a car when I moved to LA. I'd found a loft close to the office so I could walk. If it was really bad weather I could always take the bus or call a cab. That afternoon the sky was so dark ~ we were in for a big storm. But no bus was in sight so I decided I'd just risk it. If I got wet, I got wet. Odds were that with all the buildings around me, lightning wouldn't touch me anyway. So I walked towards my building. It was a great place except for one thing. The entrance was off a courtyard and to get into it, I had to go through this 'alley' that was dim even in the best lighting conditions.
"Since I'd left early, nobody had called me to tell me that the guy was out on bail, so I wasn't overly concerned walking up to my building. As far as I knew he was safely tucked away in the county jail. I went into the alley and immediately someone pushed me up against the wall. I got one good scream out before he had a knife to my throat. 'See bitch? I told you I was going to get you. No way some woman's going to be my downfall.' I was too terrified to speak. At first I thought he was just going to kill me, but then he ripped my skirt off and jammed his hand. . . " I broke off, not really wanting to complete that sentence. The memories were almost too much ~ I could still feel the steel of the blade on my throat, his hot breath on my face, his hand. . . Woody reached over and took my hands, which I didn't realize were trembling, until I felt the steadiness of his own. He didn't have to say anything. That gesture told me all I needed to know. I swallowed hard and continued. . .
"About that time the bottom fell out of the sky ~ thunder and lightning like I've never experienced before or since. The pelting hail and rain only added to my fear. I tried to scream again, but as soon as I opened my mouth, he pressed the knife into my throat. Not enough to cut me, but enough to make his point. 'You try that again bitch and I'll slit your throat all the way through.' I froze. With the knife on my neck there was no way I was going to try any self-defense moves. I decided to give in without giving in. Maybe if I just let him . . .maybe then he'd go away. He undid his belt and was working on his pants ~ thank God for button-fly jeans. I thought I saw someone moving in the shadows, but I didn't know if it was just a trick my mind was playing on me or someone there to help him or what. The SOB got distracted because he, well, he couldn't. . .
"I felt the hand holding the knife at my throat relax a little in his distraction, and in that split second Hector was at his side bending the arm holding the knife backwards until the grip released and the knife clattered to the cement. He jerked the creep backwards away from me and they struggled. I slid to the ground and curled into a ball. Everything that almost happened hit me and I burst into tears. At the same time I heard a gun fire and screamed for Hector. I didn't know who was hit. Hector moved over to me quickly, keeping an eye on the husband. He pulled me into his arms assured me that he was ok, he'd gotten the guy in the leg and he wasn't going anywhere. He said over and over again that I was going to be ok. Things were going to be fine. I tried to believe him.
"He radioed for a squad car and an ambulance and they arrived within seconds. They took the husband to the hospital where he was placed under 24-hour maximum-security watch. Unfortunately for him, he survived. He managed to end up with one of the stronger sentences handed down. Consecutive sentences. I don't have to worry about him for a long, long time.
"Hector took me to the hospital to be checked over, just to be sure. Once I was released, we went back to the station to give our statements. My cell phone rang while I was there. Dad got one of those gut feelings to call me. I'd pulled myself together until I heard his voice and I lost it. I mean lost it. Finally Hector took the phone and talked with him. After he finished talking, he gave the phone back to me. Dad assured me that it wasn't my fault. Then he said he was going to get on the first flight he could out to LA just to make sure I was alright ~ one of those Dad things. I agreed and said good-bye.
"Hector took charge and decided that I was NOT going to stay by myself that night, and it was fine. I didn't want to. But I wanted. . .no, I needed to go to my place. I felt safer there with my own stuff. He said that was fine. We walked out to his car and he stopped for Chinese on the way ~ said he was going to make me eat so I'd better tell him what I liked. We ended up with sweet and sour chicken, General Tsao's chicken, and orange beef complete with egg rolls, rice, and fortune cookies. We spent the night just talking. Another storm blew up and I freaked out again at the first clap of thunder. Hector just grabbed me and held me and wouldn't let me go. All night he held me. That was the beginning of our friendship. And it's only gotten stronger through the years. But it's only friendship.
"After that I was. . .I really didn't want anything to do with men in general. That's when Hector started the routine you heard ~ 'you should have seen me before she chewed me up and spit me out . . . it starts with one chili-cheeseburger man. . .' ~ and it worked for a lot of them. There were a few ~ Tyler among them ~ who weren't so easily deterred. But I never opened up to them ~ not like this. They never knew. . ."
I still had more to tell him, but by that point I was emotionally exhausted. I took a deep breath and looked tentatively at Woody. He squeezed my hands and smiled.
"Jordan? It's ok. It's going to be alright. I'm not going to leave you. Hector and Max were. . .are right. What happened was not your fault."
"But I should have known. . ."
"You just said you didn't know he'd gotten and made bail"
"But if I'd just waited for the bus. It did look like serious rain after all. If I'd done that then. . ."
"Did the bus or a cab go into your courtyard?"
"No."
"So you would have had to walk through the alley anyway, right?"
"Yeah. But if I hadn't been so bent on making sure that. . ."
"Jordan, from what you told me ~ and what Max told me earlier ~ the guy was sick. There was nothing you could have done. It was not your fault. It wasn't."
"How can you sit here holding my hands after everything I've told you. . .?"
"Jordan, what you told me is in your past. It's made you who you are. The woman I've fallen in love with. Nothing's going to change that. I wish to God I could. I wish I could take away all your pain. But I can't. But I can promise you one thing. I'm not going anywhere." He squeezed my hands again and pulled me closer to his face.
"Jordan, look at me." I brought my eyes up until they met his. "I am not going anywhere. I love you, Jordan Cavanaugh. I love you."
And he leaned forward and kissed me gently, but firmly on the lips. I felt myself respond and relax into the kiss. We lingered there for a minute, and then Woody pulled me to my feet.
"How about we go get your friend, grab some food, and go back to your place? I'm starved and I'd like to get to know Hector a little better. He seems like a really good guy."
"He is." I looked at Woody for a minute and saw a brief flash of jealousy pass over his face. Oh well, I guess there's always going to be some naked male insecurity that's got to be dealt with. "And so are you." I reached up and kissed him quickly.
We walked down to the bar and I threaded my arm through Hector's. "Wanna get some food? Woody here would like to get to know you a little better. I know it's late, but. . .maybe some Chinese and conversation at my place?"
"Sounds great. Let me just pay my tab and. . ." Hector started to reach for his wallet.
"Now you put that away. It's on the house." Dad was grinning at Hector. He looked at me questioningly. I pulled free of Woody's arm, hopped up on the bar and threw my arms around Dad's shoulders.
"I love you, Daddy."
"I love you too, baby. Call me tomorrow?"
"Will do." Woody helped me off the bar and took my hand in his. Hector walked next to me. Right as we got to the door, the sky decided what it wanted to do. A huge flash of lightning lit up the sky followed by a spectacular clap of thunder. I shrieked and jumped and turned instinctively into Woody, seeking some type of protection.
"Oh, Jordan. It's going to be ok." Woody stroked my back. He lowered his head and whispered into my hair, "I'm not going to leave you alone. I promise."
Hector offered to go and get the car, but I stopped him. I looked at the two men standing there with me ~ one my best friend in all the world, the other the man I loved more than anything else in the world. After a minute, I grinned at them, grabbed their hands, and said, "Nah! Let's run for it!" After all, I had everything I needed right there.
. . .to be continued MAYBE for an epilogue. . .