A/N: This is my first Harry Potter fic, but after book 5 this story just came to me. I've tried to keep the characters as much like their selves as I could, though if I let them get a little OOC, I'm really, really sorry. Also, I'd really appreciate if someone would review my story. Oh, thought I'd remind everyone again, this has got major spoilers for book 5, so wait till you finish the book to read it. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Never have; never will. Just borrowing. Please don't sue. I have no money.
Harry sat on his bed at Privet Drive hoping, wishing, praying that the last weeks had been a dream. The dry sobs leaving his throat didn't seem real; but then, neither did anything that had been happening the last few weeks. His body was in a different world than his mind and heart. He hadn't left his room since returning "home". His mind was reliving that horrible night, yet his heart, his heart was reliving every single moment, every single word, he had had with Sirius in the last two years. He had been crying so much that there was not one single tear left in his body, just dry sobs coming from his throat.
The picture of his parent's wedding hung on the wall next to his bed, but it was Sirius he had been looking at, not his parents. His mind turned back to the last time he had talked to Sirius at Hogwarts. Lupin, Sirius, and him had been talking about his father and Snape. And now, he regretted having spent that 20 minuets on such a useless thing. But what was more, he regretted having forgotten about the mirror, the mirror that would have saved Sirius life. There were so many "what ifs" surrounding his death. So many things that he, Harry, could have done to stop that from happening.
**********************************************************
The house on Grimmauld Place was dark; the only light came from a single candle stub on top of the table in the downstairs kitchen. On the table sat several empty bottles of butterbeer and a bottle of what looked suspiciously like an empty bottle of firewhisky, and sitting on the chair pulled up to the table was Remus Lupin. The werewolf had tearstains down his dirty face, and there were stains on the front of his robes. The fire had long since died down to ashes, but the cold didn't seem to faze the depressed werewolf.
"Why'd it have to be him?" muttered the werewolf. "First James and Lily, then Sirius. I'm the last one. My best friends are gone." And with that the werewolf broke out into what would have been uncontrollable crying, but, he'd been doing so much crying that, all that came out were dry sobs. His best friend had died, but he wasn't only his best friend, he was like a brother, not only to him, but also to Harry. Harry Potter. He had held Harry's struggling body only moments after Sirius died. Held onto Harry, because he couldn't do anything else. He was sure to some people that he had seemed indifferent, maybe even uncaring, but how was he supposed to react to the death of his best friend in the world?
His thoughts strayed to Harry. Of course, he had met Harry when he got off the train, and said goodbye to him before Harry had returned to Privet Drive, but he hadn't gotten to tell him everything. Like how much he was going to miss Sirius. How Sirius's last breath had been the end of his world. He sighed. There was nothing he could do about it. Harry was staying with his aunt and uncle until Dumbledore gave the order to retrieve him. Besides, even if he could just go visit, which he didn't think Dumbledore would allow, he doubted Harry would want to see him, especially after he had stopped him from going after Sirius.
Lupin let another sigh escape his lips and pursued his bottle of butterbeer again, hoping to drown his memories that night in anything within reach.
***********************************************************
Harry stared out the window. He had done it so many times over the last weeks, yet he never saw anyone at the window. He'd only heard from his friends once, and then it was back to the nondescript letters like last year. No news only vague "hellos" and "how are yous?" and, they came rarely. Harry sighed and looked up at the clouds. But something caught his eye. An owl was gently declining towards his window. He caught the owl on his arm and quickly removed the letter from the strange owl. As soon as Harry had the letter, the owl left Harry to puzzle over who sent it.
Harry looked at the address, but all it said was "To: Harry Potter, Number 4 Privet Drive" in writing that was vaguely familiar to the wizard. He opened it, only minimally curious about the sender. His emotions had been numb since Sirius's death. With these new thoughts of Sirius, the letter was discarded upon the bed as Harry once again beat himself up over the death of his Godfather, friend, father, and brother. His thoughts once again traveled the dark halls of the Department of Mysteries to the room where Sirius had died - Harry started to cry again, but as before all he got were dry sobs.
He sat up, trying to push Sirius to the back of his mind, when his hand brushed against the forgotten letter on his bed. He wiped his burning eyes and opened it. Once again he puzzled over whom the letter could be from. He looked down to the closing and gasped with surprise. It was signed "Remus Lupin." Harry wondered what Lupin could want and began reading the letter….
***********************************************************
Remus got up from the table and walked over to the window. He was expecting Harry's reply anytime now. Remus hoped that Harry would reply soon, so that he could unburden his soul, and maybe help Harry do the same, or at least help him to understand what had happened that night at the Ministry. It was funny, he had thought and cried about that night so many times that he couldn't cry, he could only emit dry sobs.
Remus looked out the window and saw Harry's owl flying towards him. He opened the window and stuck out his arm allowing Hedwig to land on him. He removed the letter from Hedwig and opened it.
Professor Lupin-
Yes, you can come. I'll be ready for you tomorrow. Make sure you come into my room, otherwise the Ministry will get upset because my aunt and uncle saw you Apperate into my house. Or, you can Apperate in down the street and walk over, thought I'm not sure my aunt and uncle would let you in.
I'll see you tomorrow.
-Harry
Lupin sighed. There were no teardrops anywhere on the paper. Harry either wasn't as upset over his godfather's death, or he had cried so many times that, like Lupin, he was out of tears to cry. Lupin suspected it was the latter. Remus wasn't sure if he should be relieved or upset that Harry had agreed to discuss Sirius's death, but it was too late now, the werewolf told himself, he had already promised Harry he would. Besides, maybe if they talked he could tell Harry some of the stories from when he was at school with James and Sirius and try to help ease his pain. And, maybe, someway, he could get through to Harry and help him realize it wasn't his fault.
**********************************************************
Harry sat starring out of his window, waiting for the sound that would announce Remus Lupin's arrival. Harry was beyond the point of crying, at the moment, and hadn't even bothered to clean his room, though he didn't think that Lupin would care. He still couldn't figure out why Lupin wanted to talk to him about Sirius. After all, Lupin hadn't really seemed too concerned when Sirius died, and he didn't really noticed that Harry was beyond the point of depression when they said goodbye at the train station. But, despite all of this, Harry had agreed to talk to Lupin.
A sudden explosion, like the backfire of a car, announced the arrival of Lupin. Harry turned and looked at him and was immediately brought back to Sirius's death. He sat down and stared at the wall, trying hard not to lose his composure in front of one of his dad's friends. Yet, every time he thought, or looked, at Lupin, Sirius was brought back to his mind, and he remembered the Department of Mysteries and Sirius's death.
A soft sigh, as Lupin guessed what Harry was thinking about, brought Harry back to reality.
"Oh, sorry, please sit down, Professor."
"You can call me Remus," said the werewolf, as he sat down next to Harry. "Look Harry, I know that Sirius's death had to be really hard on you. And, I don't want to make this any harder on you, but I thought that, maybe, if we talked about it that, well, maybe you might fell a little better."
Harry glanced at Lupin and couldn't help but explode. "You don't understand do you? You really don't understand! But then, how could you?" Harry laughed, not a natural laugh, but the laugh of someone so desperate for happiness that he tries to create it himself. "I caused him to die! I was the one that got the vision and, like Hermione said, I had to play hero, never doubting that maybe, just maybe it was a trap. Then, I dragged Moody and Tonks and you and Siri –" Harry choked as he said Sirius's name. Harry stood up and walked to the window, trying to control himself. "I never even thought that Voldermort might have set a trap! Or that Snape, who I knew was part of the Order, could do something to see if Sirius was in danger! I didn't even listen to one of my best friends! I ignored Hermione's warning! If I had just learned Occlumency from Snape and hadn't looked in that stupid pensive full of Snape's memories! My God Remus, I got him killed! And, not only that, but I let our last conversation be about my father!" Harry turned to Remus, to the werewolf, Harry looked like he would have been in tears, if he could still cry, but still, he went on. "Remus, I let him blame himself for my doubts in our last conversation, then I went got him killed!" With this, Harry broke down into dry sobs and collapsed back onto his bed next to his former teacher.
Lupin looked at the boy with pity in his eyes, and somehow, because of what Harry had just said, he found his voice. "Look, Harry, it wasn't your fault. Sirius would have come even if Dumbledore had strictly forbidden him not to come. Sirius had been cooped up in his house too long. You've got to realize that Sirius was meant to roam wild and free, not be forced into hiding like some pet dog. I told him to stay, but I knew it was pointless. Harry, nothing we did would have stopped Sirius from dying. James used to say that Padfoot would die fighting, or would never die at all." A grim smile passed the lips of Lupin as he thought back to the days before Voldemort's first rise. "You've got to understand that Sirius loved you. Also, don't let that discussion about your dad make you feel guilty. Sirius would want you to know the true James Potter, not just what Severus Snape remembers about him. Harry, Padfoot is not gone, as long as you, and I, still remember him and allow him to live through us. He loved you Harry. They both did. We all do." Lupin couldn't take it anymore. He broke down, right there next to Harry on Privet Drive, into dry sobs.
-End
A/N: I hope you liked it and that the characters where as in Character as possible. After reading book 5 I just couldn't leave Lupin and Harry sitting there with everything left unsaid. If you liked it and would like more, review and I can probably write something about the days when the Marauders were in school, or anything you think would be something these two should discuss. If you have a suggestion for a future chapter put it in your review and I might use it. If nobody reviews, then I'll leave this story where it is. Please review, even if you didn't like the story, as everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. Thanks for reading. –Mistress Saturn